It's been eighteen days since I first checked into Neo. Coming here was frightening, especially since I didn't have Gray or Nessie or anyone to accompany me. Yet I wanted to get better. I needed to get better. And I couldn't do that by returning home as if I hadn't tried to kill myself again. My depression would only resurface, never dissipating until it finally swept me under the waves.
Looking back, I'm beyond thankful for coming to Neo. Not only did I forge such wonderful friendships with Sabina and André, but I also found peace.
Since starting Prozac, I've felt a gradual improvement in my mood and overall outlook. Of course, it isn't a miracle drug. My problems haven't magically vanished. They're still here and they always will be. However, taking an antidepressant, as well as attending numerous therapy sessions with Dr. Cole, has helped me heal the cuts that were much more tender than I'd thought. All the anguish from my mom's death that I held back for so long. All the anger I harbored toward my dad. All the sorrow I felt in the weeks prior to the accident that I buried after Gray's arrival.
The cuts don't sting so much anymore. They've started to heal, and so have I.
Following Dr. Cole's recommendation that I be discharged tomorrow, I immediately called Gray, Nessie, and my dad. All of them were ecstatic. They'll never understand how much their love and support means to me. These past few years, I've dealt with everything on my own. Finally, I can step back and just breathe.
Additionally, Nessie had some good news of her own to share! She earned a substitute teaching position at Santa Barbara High School. It's nothing permanent, but it's a start to her new life here. I'm thankful she's decided to stay in Santa Barbara. Nessie makes the world a brighter place. Not just for me, but for my dad too.
Before I depart, Dr. Cole suggests that I attend one last group therapy session. Since I express my feelings best through words, she thinks it would be beneficial for me to talk through everything I've learned these past few weeks. It'll provide an ounce of closure to this chapter of my life. Hopefully it'll give André, Tiff, and the other patients the strength to someday depart Neo too.
***
"After I survived my first suicide attempt, my sorrow didn't simply vanish," I begin, speaking to the circle of patients staring intently at me. It's nerve-wracking looking out at dozens of blinking beady eyes. Yet Dr. Cole's hazel gaze meets mine and peace washes over me, bolstering my confidence.
"But, for a while, I stopped wishing for my life to end. When you've felt the water suck away almost every breath you have left, you're reluctant to give it another go. Instead, I begged God, the Universe, whatever, to bring me something or someone to take the pain away. Then Gray came along, and I thought all my problems were solved. I felt happy, happier than I'd felt in a very long time. I thought I'd put my depression behind me. 'Gray's here now,' I assured myself. Then everything fell apart. I drowned in the darkness and decided Gray would be better off without me. The world would be better off without me. I would be better off without me."
"It was wrong for me to place all my healing in Gray. He couldn't save me. Nobody could save me except myself. I had to be the one to seek help. Except I didn't consider my options - therapy, medication - until I came to Neo."
"Now I feel free, and I can be with Gray without depending on him to make me happy. I'm happy on my own, and that's the best feeling in the world."
"I'm thankful for Dr. Cole, Sabina, André," I glance over at him and he gives me a supportive smirk, "for all of you. You've helped me reach the place I'm at today. As I prepare to leave Neo, my one wish is that, one way or another, you all find your own happiness."
For the next few hours, I converse with André. We share warm embraces, infectious laughter, and what will inevitably be our last conversation for quite a while. Except we choose not to dwell on that. Instead, we focus on the present. André's made phenomenal progress in his therapy sessions with Dr. Cole, and he's in a much better place than where he was at last week.
By evening, I return to my room with an immense excitement for the coming day and an enduring gratitude for all the incredible individuals who helped pull me out of the darkness. Most of all, I'm grateful for myself and my choice to become the best self I can be.