~Jesse's perspective~
My arms are empty when I wake up. He's probably peeing or something. I look at the clock, 6.30. Why didn't he wake me up? I don't even bother to put on a shirt, my sweatpants will be enough. I rub my eyes and stretch before I stumble out of the room. He's standing in the kitchen, buttering some bread for a sandwich.
"Morning, don't you want me to make you something nice?"
I want to hug him from behind, but when he turns around I take a step back out of fear. His eyes are no longer warm and friendly. It looks like something closed off. It looks like they are spewing fire in defense but I still feel a chill running down my neck, he looks cold and distant.
"Shouldn't you make that for Jonathan?"
What the-
"Who?"
"You tell me, you were talking about him in your sleep."
"I don't know anyone named Jonathan-" but the memory comes back as I say his name. Jolein. Betrayal. Why the fuck did I say his name out loud? What did I dream about?
"Oh yeah, then what is he doing in your dreams?"
"I don't know, I swear I don't sleep with another guy." Why did I say it like that?
"You said 'No, Jonathan... don't'. What do you think that means?"
"I don't-" should I tell him? Should I tell him I saw my ex-wife with a colleague of hers? No, he'll take it the wrong way, he'll think I came back because of jealousy. But isn't that exactly what I did? Didn't I hear her voice tell someone I'm pushy and wanting to prove her wrong? Isn't that exactly what I did? But he didn't need to know that, it would only hurt his feelings, make him think that I don't love him. Fuck, what do I say?
"I don't know what I dreamed about! Maybe I dreamed about being- I don't know- a spy, or a wizard or I don't know! And he was a villain, or a-a-a friend and he shouldn't do something I don't know! I only know that you're the only one I'm with right now."
His eyes narrow.
"I don't believe you."
My throat becomes dry. I shouldn't have lied.
"What do you mean?"
"You're not telling me something. I'm giving you another shot, who is Jonathan?"
I have lost control of the situation, I feel like I am slipping on ice, praying I will finally get up. But maybe I have to fall down. No, there has to be another way. Shit. I should just tell the truth while I can. But what if it hurts him?
He apparently sees the panic in my eyes because he sighs and turns around.
"If you aren't going to tell me you can better leave. We can just pretend nothing happened, go back to being friends."
I hear his voice crack, just like hers did. Why do I hurt everyone around me?
"Okay fine. Yesterday I needed some time to think... about me, and you and us so I-"
"Fell into another man's arms?"
"No- NO. I already told you I didn't sleep with anyone else. I went to the tulip fields."
He turns around with his eyebrows raised.
"Tulip fields?"
"Yeah, where did you think I got you those?" I point at the basket with tulips in it.
"Anyway, I always went there with... you know... because they're beautiful this time of year. And even with the tourists, it can still be a nice spot to think or to clear your head."
"I don't see how there's a Jonathan."
"Hang on, I'm getting there. So I was reflecting on what I did to upset you and how to better myself when I suddenly heard a voice. Her voice."
"Oh no..."
"And she was with her colleague named Jonathan, who she swore she had no feelings for."
"Oh my God, Jesse-"
I feel a lump in my throat and damn my eyes for allowing water in them.
"I couldn't believe she would go to a spot that we went to together for the past 10 years. I felt like it was one of our spots but apparently, she can just walk into it with another man."
I really hate the tears stinging my face right now, but it is a relieve to talk about it. He comes closer and hugs me. I lean into his shoulder, the tears now flowing freely.
"And what's even worse is that she said the same as you, to another man. She told him that I was too pushy."
How am I still crying?
"So you didn't realize when I said it, but when she said it."
"No- I did realize it before, but it just hurts that she thought so and didn't tell me, but she does tell a random guy from work."
He pushes back, now I see tears glistening on his face. Oh no-
"I told you you still loved her. And now look at you: why did you come here last night? Did you come because you love me or because you wanted to prove the both of us wrong?"
Oh shit. I was afraid of this.
"Oh I see, it's the latter."
"See this is why I was afraid of telling you!"
"Why? Because I would be right and be shown your true motives?"
"Those aren't- I was already planning on how to apologize before I saw them!"
But I can see that he doesn't believe me. I step closer and cup his face.
"Rob, please believe me..."
"Jesse..."
I see tears welling up, oh no-
"Don't... don't say it."
"We should have waited."
"No, we shouldn't have! I don't think I could've gone on without... this."
"And that's the problem! I'm a rebound, don't you see it?"
"You could never be a rebound for me!"
"You're using me to make your ex jealous."
"I am not! She doesn't even know about us!"
"You're making her jealous in your head. Every time you feel happy with me you think 'See, I can feel happiness without you.'."
All words drain from my brain. What do you even say to this? Was it a lie? Not completely...
"Rob, I..." I what?
"I think we should go back to friends, at least until you figure out your feelings. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you when you clearly weren't in the right mindset."
"Say that again but now while looking me in my eyes."
"I can't..."
I lift his face and look into his eyes.
"That's because you know it's not true. You know I've had my feelings figured out for over a year now, you know you didn't take advantage of me."
"No, it's because I don't want to believe it's true."
He pushes down my arm and goes back to making a sandwich.
"Now, friend, if you want some breakfast there's some bread there, or you can finish last night's dinner. But maybe change first-" he turns around for a second and his eyes linger on my naked torso, before returning to his sandwich.
"Rob, we can't just-"
"Yes, we can. I don't want to be used to hurt somebody."
"You're not being used to hurt anybody."
"Oh yeah? Then why are you mad at Jolein for going out with someone else?"
"Because she got mad at me for possibly having feelings for a colleague and now she's doing it herself."
"I don't see the difference."
"It's hypocritical. Also, that guy has been chasing her for the past 5 years, constantly sending her flowers and asking her to divorce me. I can't believe she went with him."
"So you're jealous."
"No, I just think she made a dumb decision. Why go with him?"
"Why go with me?"
"You haven't been stalking me since I've known you."
"Maybe it's even worse, at least she told you about his feelings."
"I didn't know you had feelings!"
"But you do see how this hurts you right?"
"I-what?"
He turns around, his eyes piercing into mine. I recognize the look in his eyes: he found a new argument.
"Her going out with this guy hurts you, right? So now imagine how hurt she'll be when she finds out about... this."
An idea pops into my head. An idea so stupid, so ridiculous that it probably will not work. But I have to try, just to be with him for as long as possible. I can not lose him.
"We can put it to the test."
"What?"
"If we do some type of flirting, or really look like we're a couple while the camera's looking at us, we could put your hypothesis to the test."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. How would you explain it."
"Popularity. We pretend to be a couple so our faces will be all over the news again. People will, even if it's unconsciously, pay more attention to us."
"3 years before the elections?"
"My new plan for cultured meat."
"Your what?"
"The livestock needs to be cut in half in order to help the environment, but 78% of that livestock, or at least the meat it produces, gets exported."
"Yes, the 20%.."
"Well no, if you subtract the import you'll come out around 2%, but nevertheless a part of the GDP and a lot of employment opportunities. Now, more and more people start to see a problem with keeping hundreds of animals stacked on top of each other, not only because, well it's morally wrong but also because it contributes to climate change and the possibility of creating diseases. We don't want another COVID-19."
"Okay, so?"
"But now there's a new invention: cultured meat. No animals need to be harmed, we'll still be able to produce enough meat to keep the economy running, since that's the only thing they seem to care about, and we'll keep down the production of methane, meaning it would be the same as cutting off most of the livestock. And, on top of all of this, the production of meat wastes a lot of water. One kilogram of beef takes 15 500 liters of water. Cultured meat cuts the water consumption down by 90%."
"So you have a big plan and you need attention."
"Well, yes-"
"So now you're using me to get attention."
"I- no. I have a cover-up, if needed. So, are you in?"
"It really doesn't help that you look extremely hot when you're talking about a new plan."
Oh, he'll need to wear a high turtleneck today.