illusions

I was soaring,
Yes, there was turbulence, but I was still in the sky, soaring,
reaching for what I knew I needed.

Then I knocked into an invisible glass wall and unlike a video game,
You don't just come back to the checkpoint.

Now I'm still struggling on the ground.
I have been fighting so hard, beating against the ground unceasingly.
I started hurting my wings,
Hurting myself.

I know it'll take time to heal,
But time deserted me long ago along with the azure.
The earth is crumbling beneath me, taking away any help I could have had,
any hope I could've had.

I falter, falling in the darkness  but still flying all at once, how contradictory.

I can't see where I'm supposed to be,
I can't see where I'm going,
Where am I?
Who am I?

I'm flying on broken wings, each flap of my wings is agony.

I wonder where the azure went,
Where my happiness went,
Where my light went,
Where is whatever pushed me to take a leap of that cliff not knowing I would soar?

I want to soar again in the bright blue skies, among the stars...
I need to soar again.

I don't want to watch my dreams fly in the night and sing with the moon as it waxes and wanes,
Changing how I can't.

I need a place to rest so I can pick myself back up,
Do you think the shadows in the abyss will hold me if u let go?

Should I take a chance,
the same way I did when I jumped off the cliff?

Are my eyes open or was me soaring just a dream among dreams?

Was my smile and the azure blue sky at trick of the moon's siren song?

>×××××<

I love and hate the moon

It pulls my dreams like the tide,
One day they're so close,
I can see them,
feel them,
reach for them;
others they're so far away that I can reach and reach,
But its merely an illusion.

I could hole them in my palm
But they are light years away,
having a merry time with the moon,
dancing with the stars.

>×××××<

I longed to be there, but I had no wings

So I made wings, but now they're broken

I have no where to stop to mend them,
Someone help,
I don't trust the shadows not to throw me
further into the abyss.

Help me mend my wings.

Every shadow in the crevices between my wings and the contours of my face weighs me down, dragging me deeper into the darkness,
The air is so heavy,
My lungs won't take it in,

The voices in my head that have been silent are making their presence known,

"let go"

"stop trying"

"slow down"

But I stopped once and I still haven't gotten back up,

What will happen if I stopped crawling,
inching across upon broken wings reaching for tomorrow,
Hoping and praying it will bring back the azure.

I'm scared
I'm scared an eternity will pass and I'll still be living underneath the surface of what would have been alive,

I'm scared I'll listen,
I'll listen to the voices and the shadows weight on my shoulders will become too much for my broken wings.

They groan and squeak with every move I make, protesting against use.

My home-made wings of paper and glue are failing apart piece by piece.

I should've bought them at the store like everyone else, then perhaps I'd be flying with everyone else;
 
Dancing with the stars to the moon's haunting tune,
Clutchin onto my caught dreams,
planting them,
Nuturing them.
Till they are a huge oak,
Reaching past the moon,
Past the dancing stars
Into the big wide universe
Where goal after goal can be achieved,
Every completed task another healthy bright green leaf,
Every caught dream a branch, growing and growing until it reaches a place of  contentment.
Where it will settle to shed then frost never to thaw, taking with it the entire universe, the dance of the stars frozen in place etched into my memory,
The moon's song of wax and wane serenading me into a frozen place.

But I didn't get store bought wings of iron to last me through the worst of storms.

But it wasn't a storm that took me,
It was my own ignorance,
My failure to look before I leaped,

I was so entranced by the azure,
The whistle of the wind,
The brightness that never once wavered and never once strayed from its everlasting task, always there without fail,
No distraction could deter it,
I was envious,
I still am.

As I beat my weathered wings I open my eyes and at the farthest corner of the abyss is a light...
I know that's where I need to be
But all of a sudden the shadows are heavier,
The voices are louder,
My journey is longer.

I lift up a hand and I reach and reach until I hold the light in my hand
And for a moment I feel success,
"I've done it"
Or have I?

My over exerted muscles are sore and with one last shake my arm falls to my side, useless.
The effort is too much,
My wings have stopped,
I'm falling,
I'm fighting,
I'm fighting to see the light.

I'm afraid,
I'm afraid to be shoved back into the abyss of hopelessness, of having a goal but no means to achieve it,

So I fight, I nearly do it, but it's not enough, it never is.

Where do I go from here?

As I fall I feel all the arms of all the people who had pushed me to fly and I thought I had found my sanctuary.

I let go, because of the familiar comfort they brought, the same arms that had pushed me towards the cliff, the same arms that held me when I couldn't decide, the same arms that gave me comfort silently telling me,
'its okay if u don't jump.im here for you'

I relaxed into those same arms
But they pushed me down further,
deeper and deeper,
Making my fall faster.

I tried to scream, I really did
But the darkness engulfed my pleas for help.

Hot tears stung my eyes as the betrayal embedded itself in the deepest crevices of my soul, taking apart the seams I had worked so hard to put in place ,just to make it to its destination.

I cried and screamed,
For a minute I felt nothing.

Then as I slammed into the hard ground, I felt every bone shatter, every muscle tear, I felt the shards of my broken soul peirce my lungs, stealing my breathe, unleashing the betrayal and pain I had locked away for so long, all the things I had turned a blind eye to just to save my innocence with ignorance.

The pain burned like an open flame unleashed on dry grass, I felt it everywhere from the tips of my toes to the split ends of my ragged hair.

The fire that raged within me was so different from the numbing cold of the shadows.

I opened my eyes and saw the arms pulling away my last breaths.
I looked past them.

They could take whatever they wanted,
I didn't want it anymore anyway.

I looked past them, to the moon,to my dreams dancing with the stars.
I lifted a flaming arm, reaching for them once more, even though I knew it was an illusion.

I held on to it and for once emmersed myself in the illusion,
Letting it trick me into false happiness
But it was happiness nevertheless.