I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. My gut was knotted tighter than a hangman's noose round the neck of a 300-pound wrestler. I rushed to the toilet and barfed out the half digested macaroni that I had for dinner last night. My stomach agitated and grumbled like an off-balance washing machine. I could hear my mother arguing with the house maid at the top of her lungs.
"Damn, I'm late!"
I flushed the toilet and brushed my teeth in a hurry. It took me less than a minute to pick an outfit, I wore an oversized sweatshirt to hide my bloated belly.
"Isn't it too hot for a sweatshirt?" my mother asked casually.
"I'm not feeling well." I replied as I headed out.
"At least have your breakfast!" she yelled before I closed the door behind me. I had lost my appetite.
The dappled sun shone through the trees, creating mysterious shadows. It was too hot for a sweatshirt, hot enough to melt the tar on the road. I wanted to cry.
"May I come in, Sir?"
"You're too early for the next class," said the professor.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling well."
"In that case, you should've stayed home," he said. "Please close the door. I'm trying to take a class here."
The whole class gawked at me. I felt hot in my face as I closed the door behind.
"I'm definitely dropping this course."
The cafeteria was nearly empty. It wasn't lunch time yet. I got myself a cup of coffee and took a seat near the wall, away from the entrance. I was not in the mood to socialize, in case someone noticed me. The coffee was scalding, much too hot to drink, so I started fidgeting with my hair tie.
"What am I doing with my life?"
I noticed a creepy looking guy sitting right in front of me on the opposite table. He stared at me, taking a large, slow bite of his fully peeled banana. Feeling insulted, and slightly disgusted from his audacious act, I got up and took the seat facing away from him.
"Good God, you look awful!" I recognized the voice, it was Saya.
"Is it that bad?" I sighed.
"What happened to you?" She looked concerned for a moment. "You've been missing classes."
"I was..."
"Did you hear anything about Farah?" she asked.
"No, what about her?"
"Ismail broke up with her last night. Apparently, she cheated on him. So he leaked her nudes." She studied my face with mocking eyes, and her mouth twisted into a humorless smile. "She's a wreck."
Gossiping is a social skill and Saya excelled at it just how she excelled at keeping a straight GPA. She led a popular student website and was active in club activities. She was in the public eye. Although, being known by everyone was not the same as being loved.
"That's messed up."
"Is that all you have to say?" She looked disappointed.
"I'll call her when I get home... Hey, I have to go. I'll see you in class." I hurried out.
He was waiting for me, I could see him through the window. His lean slender fingers wrapped around the handle of his backpack. He wore bigger glasses that kept slipping down his sweaty nose as he kept pushing it back up. He was too thin for his height, and he slouched when he walked. There was an almost ritualistic quality to his movements.
"Memories are unforgiving." he said with a smile which was not returned.
I went towards him, and he waited motionless, leaning against the wall, his eyes never leaving my face. He had a bad habit of pinching my little finger. How I hated it when he did that. He seemed to have noticed when I flinched as he tried to hold my hand. Neither of us spoke a word on the way. We crossed the road and went along a narrow dingy passage, and then turned left, through a sliding door, and up a narrow flight of stairs, and so to another door. The room was a dump. A pungent odor of unwashed clothes swooped over and enveloped my nostrils.
"Please, open the window," I said, holding my breath.
The room was a bit small and rectangular in shape with a single window, I could barely see anything outside. Just a wall. But the window let in some light. The bed was in a corner, a small closet at its foot, a study table and a chair beside it. The smooth, tiled floor was hardly recognizable underneath all of the random items that were thrown throughout the room. There were leftovers on the floor of garlic bread from yesterday, pizza from the day before accompanied by two empty coke cans. I felt green around the gills. A thick layer of dust had built up on all the shelves. The trail of tissues ended as the trail of clothes began. The small metal wastebasket, overflowed with crumpled note paper, begged to be emptied.
He started picking things up from the bed.
"For the last time." I told myself.
"Farah's nudes are all over social media. Did you know?" he said, while lifting a heap of
dirty clothes from the bed and dumping it on the chair which was already piled up with more clothes.
"No." I lied.
"I bet it was her boyfriend,"
I winced at his remark.
"I would never do something like that to you," he continued. He knew how to get to me.
"Of course."
"You know I love you too much."
"Yes, could you...please hurry up? I have to sober up before the next class." I said impatiently.
"This is good stuff, you'll like it," he said before pulling the joint out of his pocket.
"Just light the damn thing already," I replied.
I felt a sudden head rush after the first hit. It slowed down after the second and I mellowed out for the rest of the trip. Kind of like riding a wave. My mind began to get foggy. I tried to gather my thoughts. The ceiling fan was rattling at times. The bed sheet felt soft against my skin, I could lay there for an eternity. The skunky smell was replaced by the smoke from the weed. I could feel the pressure of his hands on my arms and his nails digging into my skin.
"You're like a boy," he said as he rolled over.
"What?"
"You never say anything," he seemed annoyed, "Nevermind. I'll get you a pill on the way."
All I could see was light, like a scalding yellow sun which gradually began to show me the smooth, flat ceiling above. I stared at the featureless wall.
"This is a dream," I told myself.
Tiny specks of dust seemed to dance in the shaft of afternoon sunlight that slanted through the window. I extended my arms in front of me as if to grab some from the air. I was "coming down".
"You're late." He said.
"Huh?"
"You haven't had your period yet. You're late by a month."
"You said it was because of the pill," I looked at him. "Should I be worried?"
"No. You're fine."
I picked my underwear and started getting dressed. I had been waiting for this moment for so long. My face lit up with a sly grin at the thought of never coming back here.
"I don't want to do this anymore," I attempted to look sad.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't..."
"Do you like someone else?"
"No, I don't."
"Who is it?" he demanded.
"Look, this isn't working out for me." I was pissed.
"You don't mean that, after everything I've done for you. You hurt me," he started sobbing, pulling his eyebrows close together and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to force out tears, and finally hiding his face with his hands. He was a natural.
"I'm sorry."
"What did I do wrong?" he asked through sniffles.
"It doesn't feel right."
"What more can I do?"
"You've done more than enough." I said wryly. He was making muffled sounds of sniffs and small sobs. It went on for a while. I wanted to leave, but it would've been impolite, not that he deserved any compassion in the first place. I just didn't want to come off as insensitive.
"You'll regret it," he said. "You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into."
I looked at him. He wasn't crying anymore. A slow smile passed over his calm, placid face.
"Are you threatening me?" I knew this was coming. "Listen, if you're thinking about using my pictures, I don't care. I have enough evidence to prove how you blackmailed me into this. Also, I won't hesitate to file a case."
"You're so stupid," he laughed. "I think you're pregnant."
I was paralyzed on the spot, the menacing aura held me in a tightening grip. My heart was throbbing in my ears, loud and irregular, but I barely heard it, for my mind was clouded with fear. I steadied my breath and tried to calm the panic. I couldn't let him see how terrified I was, so I picked my bag and started out. There was a bitter taste in the back of my mouth that I couldn't seem to get rid of and the stench was becoming unbearable again. I staggered to my feet as I went down the stairs, swaying a little.
I bought a pregnancy test kit on my way home just to be sure, hoping my mother wasn't home and spare me the awkward encounter. I was sweating like a pig by the time I was done taking the test.
It was positive. I stared at the strip as a cold wave embalmed me and my mouth ran dry. My legs collapsed underneath me as I whimpered. I lost track of time as I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up with a headache. The room was so brightly lit, it hurt my eyes. I felt like I was inside an egg being cracked with a silver spoon, light bursting across my vision, slashing my retinas. I recoiled from it.
"Have I been dreaming?"
It was happening again, I could feel the pain in my chest, the palpitation. I took deep breaths. I kept breathing in and out until I realized I was hyperventilating. My head felt heavy with pain as I tried getting up from the bed. I reached out for my phone on the bedside table; my hands were trembling.
It was half-past two in the morning.
I didn't have an option, I had to tell him. He had done this before, he'd know what to do in a situation like this.
My phone rang as soon as I texted him. It was almost as if he knew.
"Can't stay away from me, eh?" His mocking tone irritated me.
"I can't do this alone."
"We'll get done with it in no time and then we'll be fine, just like before."
"No! Nothing will be like before," I shrieked. "I don't want to have anything to do with you after this."
"I understand you're upset right now," he said in his calm and composed voice. "But you're not thinking straight, you need help. I've texted Saya, she'll pick you up tomorrow and take you to the hospital for the blood test."
"You've what?" I was infuriated. "You son of a..."
"Are you alright? Why are you screaming? Open the door." I had woken my mother up.
"It's nothing mom... I had a nightmare. I'm okay now." I replied as I ended the call.
Fear became a tangible, living force that crept over me like some hungry beast, immobilizing me. I was not frightened nor was I afraid. What I felt was beyond what words could express.
"I'm ruined."
Saya wasn't going to keep quiet about this and I would be the center of gossip wherever I go. He did this on purpose, I should've known.
I slid down the door, bringing my knees up to my chest and sat there for what looked like hours. At times I could feel the flight responses kick in, increasing my heart rate, flooding me with added adrenaline, the next moment I felt crippled by fear, every muscle of my body frozen, holding me captive.
Part of me wanted to run away, but where would I go? I wanted to put an end to it but I was too coward to bleed, too scared to hang myself, so I chose the slow death. I decided to take a bunch of sleeping pills after a quick shower. It was the only way to purge my sins.
For the last time I stepped into the shower in a clumsy attempt to cleanse my body, as a trickle of blood dribbled down my legs.
A bastion of comfort in a moment of primal terror.