June 1990
I sat on our red couch with my knees pulled up to my chest. Tears prickled in my red eyes and I could feel the color was drained from my face. Tom was sitting beside me, with glassy eyes. The only thing that was comforting me at this moment was the warmth from the blanket draped around my bare shoulders.
I knew that something was on Tom's mind just from the way he looked at me when he got home from work. Through my breaths I needed to have him confirm what he just told me. I stared straight ahead as I said in a brittle voice, "so... you're gonna take it."
He cleared his throat and rubbed his finger against his lips, followed by his thumb. He finally said, "I—uh... yeah. I talked to them this morning."
This solid confirmation that he was going to take the job across the country was like a jab in the gut. I've been getting the feeling that Tom was ready to move on and leave all this behind, but I wasn't ready to accept that. It hurt me that we didn't talk about this more. Yes, it was his life but this drastically affected me too. I felt like I should have been more involved in the official decision.
"You talked to them, and you didn't tell me?" I asked. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat to stop sounding choked up. I hate being vulnerable with my emotions.
"They called me and I had to give them an answer right then and there," Tom said. "I haven't signed my contract yet so I'll stay if you want me to."
I could hear the emptiness in his voice at his statement. I could not deny that there was a lightning in his eyes whenever he talked about the offer he received from the DEA. I would never make him stay, because he would resent me. He has seen this as his future for years, and I knew how much this meant to him. I could not predict my own future, and I didn't want to drag Tom down because of my own uncertainty.
Tom has always had a chip in his shoulder about working at Jump Street, ever since his first day. He understands the importance of it, but it wasn't what he dreamed of when he decided to become a cop. He found an out, and he was going to take it.
I would be incredibly blue for when we will leave Evergreen State, which is the only home I have ever known, but I tried not to let it show. I knew it wasn't about me. It was about Tom and his future ambitions. Ambitions that he has worked his entire life for, long before he met me. His dreams were shining on distant shores, calling to him, and I had no right to make him stay. I would miss working with him, but at least I would still get to come home to him every day. I was going to uproot my entire life to follow Tom, and I've been preparing for this ever since I moved in. I knew that the DEA has been wanting him for a while. Why wouldn't they? He's perfect.
I forced myself to smile and said, "no, that's okay. This is great, when are we moving?"
He cleared his throat and said, "that's the thing, Mick... you can't come with me."
My face fell with my heart. "What?" My voice quivered as I looked over at him.
"Look, I was on my knees begging and they said that for the position that I'm going to, I have to go alone. Hell, I'm not even allowed to give you my address."
"And you're still going to take it?" I asked him, followed by a shaky breath. I started to bite down on the inside of my cheek. I thought we were going strong... and now he wants to leave me.
Tom said in a loud voice, "I already said no to them once, and I will never get the opportunity again. I'm extremely lucky that they even asked me a second time. Do you really want to work at Metro—at Jump Street for the rest of your life? I sure don't."
I had given Tom my heart, and here he was breaking it to pieces. It was for his eyes only, and he chucked it over his shoulder. It hurt me that this job meant more to him than I did... but I wasn't going to stand in his way. He had been working on his career for years, way before he even met me. It is not my place to tell him what to do.
"Did you regret saying no the first time?" I asked, looking at him with tears welling in my eyes. I probably shouldn't have asked because the answer might hurt me, but I needed to know.
He inhaled deeply and his silence was louder than any words he could have said. I could tell that his time in Metro was over, and he had found what he was looking for... and I knew I wasn't a part of it.
My heart was breaking in front of him, and I didn't know what to do. I continued, "do you blame me for saying no before?"
"Of course not. Mickey, this is an opportunity of a lifetime! I can't let that slip through my fingers again," he said firmly. I stayed silent as I tried to figure out what to say. Tom sighed then he was calm when he said in a subdued voice, "I've worked my whole life for an opportunity like this, I have to go."
"I-I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what to do, Tom. Every time I thought of tomorrow, it was with you. And only you."
"I know—"
"I don't know if we should even hold on to what we have, or will it just be a waste of my time?" I asked. My voice rose as anger bubbled through my body, not wanting to accept that this was going to happen. I didn't want tonight to be the night that we break up, but I was pissed. Beyond pissed. I almost wanted to show him how angry I was by pushing him out of my life, but I knew that I couldn't do that. It would kill me.
I looked into his deep brown eyes and saw the pain and hurt welling in them. He held my hand. He said, "come on. Please, don't be like that."
"I thought that when we moved in together, I'd at least be informed about any major life decisions. I feel like that was implied," I said firmly.
"I should have told you sooner," he mumbled.
"Not just told me, Tom. Let me be a part of the decision. This affects my life too, you know."
"It's not like we are married."
It slipped past his lips and I could tell he regretted it the moment he said it. His eyes went wide and I saw the color drain from his face. He started to stutter and say, "that—that came out wrong."
"It sure fucking did. But you're right, we aren't married so I guess that means my opinion and my feelings just mean dog-shit to you, huh?"
"No, please... stop—" he tried to argue but I interrupted him. I know I was being immature, but I was so angry I didn't care.
"You told me about the DEA last October. Have you known that you were going to work there since October?" I asked with grit in my tone.
Tom clenched his jaw and his fingers tapped his knee before he stood up and walked into the kitchen without saying a word. My hand slipped from his as he walked away. My blood was boiling. That told me all I needed to know.
"Where the hell are you going?" I asked, standing up and watching him open the fridge.
"I'm leaving this conversation before I say something I regret," he said as he pulled out a beer and shut the fridge.
I stood up and let the blanket fall to the floor as I marched over to him, leaving me in just my summer pajamas of a black tank top and brown plaid cotton shorts. I snarled, "well, I'm not done with this."
"I am," he said as he gulped down some of his beer.
"Have you known since October?" I asked again, louder in case he didn't hear me the first time he ignored me.
"It doesn't matter!" He yelled back, extending his arms out.
"It does!" I cried out. "How long have you been hiding this from me?"
"Let it go!" He shouted.
"I can't just let this go, Tom!" The longer he avoided the question, the more hissy I got. It told me that he doesn't want to tell me, because he knows that it will just piss me off. He has known for a long time.
"Why do you fucking care anyway?" He whined as the beer sloshed around the bottle as he moved his hands. "Why does this little stupid thing matter to you so fucking much?"
"I want to know how long you've known that you were going to move across the country. I want to know how long you've known that you wanted to break up with me. I want—"
"It's not that I want to break up with you—"
"But you're going to anyway!" I interrupted him again. "I don't deserve to be left behind or pushed aside. I am not going to be with a man who doesn't want me as much as I want him."
He sighed and said sternly, "you don't know how hard it was for me to tell you. Leaving you will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I've been dreading it because I never wanted this. I love you so much."
"So what do you want to do about it?" I asked exasperatingly. I felt like I was pulling teeth just to get an answer out of him.
"There is nothing we can do unless we get married but even then it's still going to be rough."
"So if we get married I'll still be just as alone in this as I am now?" I asked with a little scoff.
"So what... should—should we just get married now?" He asked. He didn't sound very happy about it, which broke me. His tone told me that this would be a chore for him, like it would just stop our fight and solve this problem but it wouldn't fix it at its root. Even if we married a year ago, we would still be having this fight now.
"Do you love me?" I asked, my voice cracking. My stomach was aching from my anger, and anxiety. I wanted to puke.
"Of course I love you."
If he truly loved me, he wouldn't be leaving me. I let out a little sardonic laugh and I said sarcastically, "good thing you work undercover because you're such a good fucking liar."
"I'll put on my suit and you can put on your favorite dress and we will drive down to the courthouse right now if that is what you want. I'll fucking— I'll drive to fucking Las Vegas in the middle of the night and we can get married by a goddamn Elvis impersonator if that's what you want to do."
"But is it what you want?"
"I don't want to tie you down then have to leave you because this is something that I need to do. Shouldn't you be happy for me?"
I was thrown off guard a little. That's exactly what my father said to me before he shut the door in my face, shutting me out of his life. Is that what Tom was doing to me now? Did he want to break up with me so he could start his new life in Virginia without having to think about me? Perhaps he didn't love me as much as I thought he did. I felt like he was shutting the door in my face.
"What about me?" I asked softly as tears of anger and frustration welled in my eyes. I wasn't the kind of girl to bite my tongue just to save face. I was falling apart, and I didn't want to get a grip and keep myself together. I have spent too long holding in my anger and trying to act like a lady. I've had enough.
"What?"
"What about me, Tom?" I felt breathless as the knot in my throat grew tighter. Even I could hear the pain and the rasp in my voice, strained from my rage.
"This isn't about you," he snapped.
I scoffed and pressed my hands over my aching heart as I yelled in a quavering voice, "this has everything to do with me! My entire life is going to change and I don't know what I'm going to do."
"What about me, huh? What about my life?!" He jabbed his thumb into his chest. "My entire life is going to change too and you don't see me crying about it."
My hands were shaking with the rage that flowed through my palms and my fingers. "You are such an asshole. You are the one changing it! You are doing this because you want to. Your head is so far up your own ass you don't see that this impacts me... and I don't get a fucking choice!"
"You said—you said that you supported me no matter what," he spat. He pointed at me accusingly.
"I never said that."
"Oh, you most certainly did! You said that whatever I decided to do, you were gonna fully support me."
Oh, I totally did say that... but I was so mad I wasn't going to let him know that I knew he won this little argument. He was at fault for this whole thing. If he told me just once that the DEA called again and he was planning on accepting their offer, we wouldn't be where we are right now.
"That was before I knew that you already made up your mind. We should have talked it through together!"
"Stop making me feel guilty about this. I've wanted this since... I don't know when."
"I just wish you had thought about that before making me fall in love with you."
"You are tearing me apart here, honey. I can't keep getting dragged down just to stay at Jump Street, I'm just... I'm sick of it."
My eyes widened and I took a step back. He was kicking me while I was already down. My lips were quivering as I choked out, "drag you down?"
He rolled his eyes up as if thinking about what he just said and the realization on his face showed that he was shocked with himself. He spattered, "that's not what I meant."
"It's what you said. You think I drag you down?"
"No, no—"
"Do you feel stuck with me? Are we breaking up because I don't fulfill you enough? Because you are trapped with me? You don't see a future with me? I want you to tell me if you think what we have is over. I'll leave it up to you to figure out how we end because I just can't do it anymore." My voice was low and calm.
"Mick—"
"How much more of this do you think I can take? Why are you being so reckless with my heart? If you don't want the love I can give you, then I'll stop."
"Listen... listen to me—"
"No, you listen to me. We have been through so much together I can't just easily accept that you're gonna leave and just forget about me like I'm nothing. Just like everyone else. I need you here."
"I can't keep being there for you every time you need someone," he grumbled against the mouth of his bottle before he took another gulp.
"I opened up to you. I trusted you. I told you things I have never told anyone. I love you. I adore you. I gave my entire life to you. You are supposed to be my person! My person. You are who I'm supposed to go to. The one I confide in. You are the one that promised to be there for me. How can you be my person if you're 3,000 miles away?!" I waited a beat before I finished my tangent by asking tenderly, "how can I be your person if I'm 3,000 miles away?"
Tom stared at me, finally feeling my words soak into his ego. His jaw remained clenched, but he finished his beer and put the empty bottle in the sink. I don't think he could have given me this news without some liquid courage, and if he's angry it can make him a little stupid.
I tried to beat him to it. I wasn't going to let him kick me out if I was able to leave without him telling me what to do. I was so infuriated, I needed to leave. My head felt so hot, I was ready to blow my top.
I turned around and started to head into our bedroom. My brain was going a million miles a minute, trying to figure out what to do. I just needed to grab some clothes to make it through the weekend, and hope that Judy is home tonight so I can crash on her couch. If not her, then Doug. Worst comes to worst, I'll sleep at Fuller's. If I really wanted to hurt Tom, I'd go to Booker's place.
"Now where are you going?" Tom asked, I could hear him trudging behind me. His footsteps were heavy, like his shoes were full of lead.
"Out," I answered sharply and vaguely.
"Come on, Mick."
I marched into the bedroom and grabbed my duffel bag from the closet. I haven't used it since the last time I slept over at Tom's, and that was before I moved in with him. And now, I'm using it to get away.
Tom walked into the room just as I tossed the bag on the bed and started grabbing the first few shirts and pairs of pants I could get my hands on. I didn't care if they matched, I just needed something.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I can't be here, I'm going to Judy's," I told him as I shoved the clothes into the bag.
"Don't leave."
I ignored him, I just kept throwing things into my bag. He was letting me go, and he's slipping through my fingers. I have always been a runner, and here we were just going around and around. It's all I know. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to figure himself out.
"You can't just walk away and—"
"Don't say that. You don't get to say that," I hissed at him. I just wanted to throw my pointless promise ring at his stupid face. "You lied to me, Tom. You lied to me. Just a few weeks ago you were on your knees saying that you wanted me marry me. And guess what? I wanted to marry you too. But you already knew that you were going to be leaving and it is driving me crazy. I will always love you but right now you're making it really fucking hard to do that so if you're trying to push me away, it's working."
I'm hard to love because I push people away so I never have to lose someone first. Tom broke through my barrier, I sincerely thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I thought he was my forever. I love him so much, it hurts. I guess I was wrong. Why did he let go of me?
"Let's just talk this whole thing over. Just like we used to do."
"I tried, Tom."
"Stop, please. Come on, now. Don't leave."
I threw another shirt down on the bag and spat, "is this what you wanted? Will this make it easier for you to go? If me breaking up with you will make it easier for you to leave, then let's fucking do it. I wouldn't want to tie myself to you if all I do is drag you down. I'm not going to waste my time being here if I'm just in the way."
"You will never be in the way. I want you more than anything."
I scoffed and laughed scornfully, "you clearly don't."
"Please, don't do that. Don't go, baby, please. Tell me what I can do to make this right. Stay and talk to me," he begged. His deep voice tightened and tears welled in his eyes as he whimpered.
"We can talk in the morning."
I knew this wasn't my finest moment. I was resorting back to my tendency to withdraw myself when my fear of abandonment ignites. This is an anxiety I've battled with for a long time, and I haven't had to be in the trenches in years. I had finally felt safe with Tom, and now my haven has been compromised. I know I should have acted more mature, but I didn't know what else to do in that moment except to run away before I got hurt and I can't get hurt if I'm the first one to leave.
"No, no... please, don't go."
I spun around to face him and I begged, "what am I supposed to do? I'm scared. Tell me what I'm supposed to fucking do."
"I'm still so in love with you, I don't want to fight," he said softly.
"But I do! I want to fight. I want us to fight because I want to show you how much I love you. I'm pissed because you mean so much to me. Like it or not, I am a part of your life. Hopefully I'm a big fucking part because you are my whole world. You are every breath I take, and you are literally my night and day. I am so in love with you, it fucking hurts. I was willing to uproot my entire life for you."
"You are... you are..." his voice was low and gentle, which was calming me down a little. "You are everything, darling. Everything."
"Then prove it," I implored with desperation in my voice. "I have lost every single person in my life. My mom, my dad, my brother, Jenko... I don't want to lose you too. I can't lose you."
It was silent between us for a moment. I was looking into Tom's dark eyes, and he was studying me with his. My stomach tightened with anticipation of what he was going to say next, this is the biggest fight I have ever had with Tom. I was fully expecting to have to leave until we could both calm down.
Finally, he said softly, "I'm gonna stay."
I almost felt worse when he said that he would stay. I didn't know that I would feel that punch in the gut until he said it. I just wanted to crumble to the floor and die. He would only do it to make me happy, and he would be miserable which would break my heart more than if he left. I looked down at the promise ring that Tom gave me, which was a symbol for his love and promise to me that he would love me unconditionally. That feeling was reciprocated, so I had to love him unconditionally too. This was one of those times. If I was in his position, I would probably go too.
I looked up at him and I tried to smile but I could feel the tears spill from my eyes when my cheeks lifted. I took a deep, much needed, breath and I cleared my tight throat. I knew I needed to calm down before I said anything else.
"Look, I can't have you wake up one day and resent me for not letting you reach your dream when it's in your grasp. If you really want this job, don't let pity rule your heart. I won't stand in your way. I love you too much to lose you, but if this is what you want... that's okay," I said with a shaky sigh.
"Are you sure?" He asked softly.
"I'm just upset that you didn't talk to me about it. I feel a little blindsided. I'm going to need time."
"Come here," he said and offered his arms. I stepped into him he scooped me up in a hug. He set his warm hand on the back of my head, and I squeezed him tight. It felt like he was leaving already, when I know that it probably isn't for a little while.
I never wanted to start this war between us, but I just wished he had let me in sooner. Tom and I have so much history between us, we were the perfect team. I can't let him go, we have so many more memories to make together. I know that love is an opportunity for mutual learning and growth, but I didn't think we would grow apart. I don't want this to be the end... I thought we would make it.
"I'm sorry for yelling. I didn't mean any of it," he said softly and he kissed my head.
"I'm sorry too. And I'm sorry for trying to leave."
"I'm sorry for making you feel like you needed to."
I wanted to ask him again about our previous talks about getting married, in a conversation full of warmth and love. Our last conversation was full of anger and pain, that wasn't the time to talk about anything. I just don't want to bring it up and make him feel guilty. He just said he didn't want to tie me to him just for him to leave, so I don't think this is the best time to bring it back up. I wanted to calm down a little more before we talked about it anymore.
He softly ran his fingers through my dark hair. My ear was pressed to his chest so his voice was muffled when he said, "I know it's hard, but please don't let me go."
"This is really hard," I said softly. "I want to stay with you. I want to be a couple with you."
"That won't be fair to you."
"You're right, it won't be fair to me but at least I'll still be with you."
"When I come back, I'll make it up to you. I promise."
"What are the terms for taking the job? How often can you come back?" I asked. I could feel his heart beat, and I tried to count how many times it pulsed against my temple.
He paused for a moment and stammered when he said, "oh... uh, uh, ten years."
I pulled away from him in absolute shock, "ten years?! I thought it would be a few months or maybe one year. But ten years?! Tom!"
"It's in the contract, there was no wiggle room."
"You are not allowed to leave Virginia for ten years?!"
He nodded.
I huffed at this frustrating piece of information but I shook my head and said, "fine. If you can't come to me, then I'll go to you."
"It's a two-way street. I'm not allowed to have visitors during that time either. No friends, no family... no one." He brushed his hand up my cheek and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.
"I don't know if I could go a day without seeing you, let alone ten years," I said. I'd trade Metro for anything, as long as he'd take me with him. I was almost in shock. How could he not be allowed to do anything for ten years? The benefits must be through the roof.
"We will make it work," he promised and kissed my forehead.
I sighed at his optimist outlook and said, "you and I both know what we are going to have to do."
He understood but he shook his head, "that's a long time from now. Even when I have to step on that plane, I'll always love you."
"I'll always love you too," I said. I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and shook my head as if I could shake the emotions out. I had seen us getting married and growing old together, but those dreams were shattered in a moment. I asked, "when are you going to tell Fuller?"
"Tomorrow. It won't be an easy meeting," he said.
"When do you have to be in Virginia?" I asked.
"At the end of July," he said.
"July? But that's so soon," I stated. It was already June, and one month was not enough time with him.
He nodded, "they wanted me to report at Virginia at the end of the week but I told them that I was under contract with Jump Street until the end of July to buy some more time."
"I still can't believe that you're going to be leaving," I said. I was briefly distracted when Swayze came running up to us with a dopey wag of his fluffy tail.
"Hi, Buddy," Tom smiled at him and patted his back. Swayze had gotten so much bigger than when we first adopted him, but he was still a little fluffy roly-poly. He turned to me while rubbing Swayze's back and said, "I know. I'm so sorry, Mick."
"We will figure it out," I said with a fake smile. My cheeks lifted which made a tear spill onto my cheeks and I quickly wiped it away so Tom wouldn't see.
Of course he did, so he said, "listen, just say the word and I'll stay."
If he really wanted to stay, he would not have needed my approval. He never would have told them yes in the first place. He has always been so goal-oriented. Whatever he decides, I'll ride this life with him and I won't let go until the end. I simply said again, "if this is what you really want... we will figure it out."
Tom smiled sweetly at me and brought my head in and he kissed my forehead lovingly.
We were going to figure this out...
Haha surprise! I'm sorry for the misleading preview to this chapter but I wanted to throw you guys off a little 😂 thank you so much for reading!
Stay tuned for the next chapter 💕💕