Chapter 9: Sasha
It was gone. All the left of it was still burning pieces of wood. No evidence was left to track down the men who had done this. Nothing was left to forage. The bodies were gone. No doubt they had raided my house before burning it down.
All my family’s belonging were burned to ashes, leaving me nothing to remember them except memories. Feeling in my legs left me, and I fell to the ground. I didn’t cry. I was all out.
“Dear, God,” a person sobbed. “How could this have happened?” I never told them.
All I could do was lie on the ground in my own deep pool of sadness. Everything had been taken from me: my home, my family, my life.
Someone had picked me up, and held me to them. I believe it was Sylvia. Her tears flooded down her face to land on the top of my head. They coursed down my black hair. That was when I stepped off my edge into the pit below.
I was ushered into the black car and the door locked beside Sylvia. My head stayed positioned toward the remains of my home, though, but my eyes took in nothing.
Except for the crying from the women, we drove home in silence. It was like a funeral for my life and my family’s lives that were over. The silence was worse than if the women just outright cried. But no, they held it in as best they could.
We returned to the orphanage, and I was offered to sleep in their room for the night, but I declined. I detested their pity for me. I returned to the room they had given me a couple days ago, which was thankfully empty. After closing the ugly curtains around the window, I then climbed onto my bed. I lay down. They were bunk beds, a triple set. I slept on the very top. Deeper.
Most of the other orphans were outside, playing with each other. I did not join them. I hated their carelessness and joy as they enjoyed the fresh air and companionship of each other. I would never become a friend.
I felt lost, like I was drifting in the middle of an ocean with nothing to stop me. I lay there, not knowing what to do. My eyes were fixed on one point, but I saw nothing. I didn’t see my house, I didn’t see my family, just…emptiness.
After a couple hours, I was shaken back to reality, by a knock on our door. Charlotte had come to check on me.
“Leila? Leila, are you in here?”
“I’m right here, Charlotte.” Usually, we used the term Mother before their name, as to show respect. I had when I first came here, but that stopped now. Deeper.
“Are you all right?” She was suspicious now. “Do you need someone to talk to, Leila, honey?”
“I’m fine, Charlotte. Thank you for asking and coming to see me.” My words sounded mechanical even to my ears, but I couldn’t care less. It was a hint to dismiss her, but either she misunderstood or just ignored it.
“My sisters and I are always ready to help those in need, Leila. We have been here for countless other orphans and we will be here for you, too.”
Her presence was annoying me now. I wanted her gone. “I know, Charlotte. You all have always been so kind to me, but I feel like being alone right now.” My eyes stayed rooted to the fixed point on the ceiling. Deeper.
“Ah, yes…yes, of course. I will extend the children’s outdoor hour so you may have the room to yourself for a bit longer. When they have returned, you can find another empty room if you need more time.” With that, she left the room. Maybe if I had talked to her, everything would have turned out fine. Talking to someone else possibly could have been an outlet I needed. Maybes were useless, though. What happened is far too late to change.
If I had felt a bit less emotionless I would have been surprised. Wandering the halls is prohibited. To leave a room, you must have a certain place you are to be at.
Several hours passed. The other children had returned with laughs and smiles perhaps about an hour after Charlotte had left me. Their noise and ruckus annoyed me, but I felt that I could not move from my spot. None talked to me, as if they sensed the pit I was falling in and didn’t want to get pulled in. I preferred it that way. In my current state, they feared me. I expected to hear someone begin to start whispering to another, asking what was wrong with me. But no. They did not even glance in my direction. It was like my misery was contagious and if they acknowledged me, they would catch it.
Before, I was a young, energetic child. I could never have stood or lied in the same position for even an hour, forget several. Now, I was docile and dull. A few hours later, the dinner bell tolled, signaling all the orphans to go to the immense dining room. All the kids filed out. I heard their feet quickly shuffling out of the room. I was glad for the peace and silence that ensued after they left. I did not follow them later at all. I stayed in my bed, staring past the ceiling.
One girl was brave and returned. Her quiet voice attracted my attention. “Umm… Leila it’s dinner t-time. Aren’t you coming to eat?” I turned my head to look at her. I recognized her; her name was Hazel. She had told me her story of how she had come here yesterday.
She was fourteen years old, but she looked ten by all the innocence in her eyes. As a baby, she was left in a trash can by her parents. Someone found her three hours later when they heard the sound of her crying, but she had taken terribly sick; it had been raining. Her parents had not even thought to have given her cover, not even clothes. All she was clothed with was a dirty diaper. Either they had meant for her to die or just couldn’t care less what happened to her. I figured it was the latter, because there would be much easier ways to kill a baby.
Quickly, Hazel was rushed to a hospital and was forced to stay there for several months afterwards. She had come down with pneumonia. Nobody expected her to survive, but Hazel was a tough little baby. The pneumonia passed and Hazel’s savior was informed, but having a large family already, she could not take in another baby.
Hazel was sent to an orphanage and stayed there for a couple months. Her parents were tracked down. They were a young couple: the female only eighteen and the father twenty. They were legally adults.
The parents were idiots. Charged for child endangerment, they pleaded innocent, but DNA matched them to Hazel and the mother stupidly left a beer bottle she had drank out of then threw away careless. Right by the trash can they left Hazel in, no doubt drunk out of their minds.
Hazel was too young to understand anything that had happened. From, then on she traveled from orphanage to orphanage till she landed in this one. As soon as she was old enough to understand, Cassandra had told her what she had been through.
Hazel had been in the Liberian Orphanage a number of years. I was shocked when she told me this, her being so young and innocent. A pretty girl like her would have immediately been snatched up. That was Hazel’s story or at least all she had told me, but I had a feeling there was a part I was missing. Back to the moment.
Something in my gaze – or eyes – terrified her. Hazel’s eyes grew wide and she took a step back. She was a small girl, but despite her needs she always thought for others. I liked her, but at the moment, I wanted her gone. Deeper.
The light green shirt she wore trembled, and her freckled face was scared. I could see her slim legs were tensed to run.
“No.”
“S-sorry. Bye.” Hazel didn’t absolutely run out, but she walked out quickly. The door shut quietly, as if it too was afraid to disturb me. I turned my head back to my former position.
The door opened and closed; someone had entered. Much to my irritation and anger Charlotte had come back. Deeper.
“Leila, darling. It is dinner time. Come and eat?” It should have been a command, but it turned into a question. I could feel her uncertainty of me. Charlotte was scared.
“I’m not hungry, Charlotte,” I said coldly.
She sighed deeply. “Starving yourself won’t do any good. Come and eat with us,” Charlotte pressed.
“Give my food to someone who needs it most, Charlotte. I’m perfectly fine,” I pushed her.
I couldn’t see, but I knew she pursed her lips with her hand on her hips. She always did this when she was bent on having her way, and my reluctance wasn’t helping.
Cassandra did this as well.
The nun gave another sigh. “Let me tell you a story.”
“I’d rather not hear it, Charlotte. Please,” I tacked on, so as not to sound as disrespectful as my words were. Still she was offended.
“You will listen whether you want to or not.” I heard her feet walk across the smooth wooden board.
I waited. Her feet stopped beside my column of bunk beds.
“She was a young girl. A little older than you, but just like you and in a similar situation.” Her words caught my attention. As far as I knew, I was the only child whose parents were murdered within the orphanage.
“Her name was Sasha. Her parents had been slaughtered when two men broke into her house. They caught them by surprise while her parents were watching TV. Sasha was sleeping upstairs in her room. Professionals, they were. Immediately, the men bound and gagged Sasha’s parents. They were, oh so silent. Sasha slept on.” Charlotte choked up here. The story still saddened her.
“The officer who delivered Sasha to us was grim. He told us that it was a mess. Blood and gore was everywhere. The officer had no idea why they would do this. They were never caught. Not one fingerprint or strand of DNA could they use. What they did know, though, was that Sasha’s parents suffered. Hopefully, for not long.
“What was really terrible – for Sasha, that is – was that it was the first thing she saw when she walked downstairs. It was she who had called the police. Sasha didn’t even recognize it was her own parents; they were that badly mutilated. After calling the police, she had run to her parents’ room, I was told. She must have run throughout the entire house, yelling at the top of her lungs. The neighbors could hear her voice.”
I was one hundred percent absorbed into this story now.
“We took her in with open arms. How could we not? I offered her a room to herself to think it over, I suppose. We left her alone for a couple hours. After about two hours had passed, I went in to check on her to make sure she was all right.
“She was sitting on the bed we had moved in there, staring out the window into the forest. Sasha didn’t notice me walk in. I called her name but she didn’t respond. Sasha didn’t move as I walked to her bed. I doubt she even realized I was there,” Charlotte said sadly with a frown. Her brow wrinkled.
“I called her name once more with the same result as before. I touched her shoulder and she finally moved. Dear Lord, how it worried me when she didn’t respond for so long! I was afraid something was wrong with her. Well, I knew something was wrong, but I mean, like she had taken sick! If it was a bad sickness she could easily die from it in her current state of mind. My mother always said a positive mind leads to positive health.
“Anyway, as I was saying, I touched her shoulder. Sasha turned her head. My goodness, she looked terrible! Not as in sickened, but as if she was already dead. Sasha’s light brown eyes had no light in them. Her face was gray with misery. The shoulders slumped, as if she had given up. Life. She looked like a complete zombie. It terrified me.”
I touched my face with my hands. Did I look like that to Hazel? Was that what scared her? Probably.
“Even though it was obvious she wasn’t, I asked her if she was all right. She whispered the same words you said to me. ‘I’m fine.’” There was a long pause, like she was letting me absorb all this information before going on. “Sasha committed suicide two weeks later.”
My eyes grew huge in shock. It was the largest amount of feeling I had shown since I arrived at this place. I was not like I was now. Before, it was more of a dulled feeling of emotion, but now I felt dead.
I was speechless for a few moments. Then, finally, a sensible question formed in my mind.
“How?”
“I tried to get her to talk, to open up to me, but to no avail. Sasha kept trying to push me away, as you are. I gave up after about ten minutes of her avoiding my questions. I left the room.
“Time passed, night fell, and dinner came. I looked for Sasha as all of the other orphans filed into the room and sat at the table. She didn’t show. I remember I became very nervous. After I was sure all the kids were seated and eating their dinner, I rushed to Sasha’s room. She was in the same position, staring out the window. This time she heard me enter. Her first words chilled me, though.”
“They were?” I asked with uncontained curiousness.
“‘Leave, Charlotte. I’m not coming down to eat.’ It was so very creepy how she knew it was me. I asked her that, in fact. ‘Who else would it be? You care the most. Cassandra has yet to check in on me,’ was what she told me. ‘She is busy. Taking care of this home is quite hard,’ I informed her. Sasha merely shrugged. I sat down on the other side of the bed. I felt so sorry for her; I tried to be gentle with her despite her…unattractive attitude.
“‘You need to come eat dinner,’ I pleaded. She shut me out completely with a solid no. I begged her one more time. Even a more forceful no was the result. ‘Leave me, now.’ Sasha ordered me. Yes, she actually ordered me! Her senior! The girl disturbed me so I granted her wish and left her to be at peace. Child, how I have regretted that moment! As I left Sasha’s temporary room, I had to resist the urge to go back. The situation was so pitiful!
“I returned to the dining room. Almost all the children had finished eating; I had not realized I had been gone so long. I stayed there, restless. For some peculiar reason, I still rather expected her to come down and have a snack at least. Useless hopes, they were. I couldn’t let it go, how it was. After I had seen that all children were in bed, I stole – well, not stolen – some cold chicken leftovers. I quietly walked to her room, so as not to disturb the young sleepers.
“Her door was unlocked. I opened it slowly and the eeriest creak sounded. Oh dear, it gave me the shivers. I called her name softly, because I wasn’t sure if she was asleep or not. It was very dark in the room and I couldn’t tell. I assumed she was asleep since she still hadn’t answered me. I highly doubt it, though. With so much on your mind, how could a person possibly sleep!
“I left the food inside her room and shut the door. Nothing else much happened the rest of that night. I checked in once more, but I dared not make a sound. If she had not been asleep, I didn’t want to wake her up. Sasha’s food was exactly where I had left it.
“The next couple of days were much the same. Sasha refused to talk to anyone and only ate when we forced her to. She looked like a skeleton! Oh, how it broke my heart to see a young child kill herself in such a way! Sasha hated the orphanage. I know now she detested it with an astounding rage.
“On the fifth day of Sasha’s arrival, she escaped. Well, it was more like she left for a spell. I brought her breakfast – another one I was going to have to force her to eat – to her room. Sasha had still refused to come down to the dining room to eat with all the other children. I knocked once and told her I was coming in. As usual, she didn’t bother with a response. I pushed the door jamb down to open the door.” Charlotte’s breathing quickened. “I was so terrified!”
“Why?” I asked her.
Charlotte looked at me as if I was slow in the head. “Anything she could have been doing behind the closed door! She could have been hurting herself!” I shrugged and Charlotte glared at me. After a moment of her dark stare, she went on. “The door was locked! How my heart stopped! I frantically called her name, getting louder and louder. Kids started popping their heads out of their rooms to see why I was making so much noise. Thinking fast, I chose the largest and strongest looking boy out of the children I saw. I believe it was Jim. Yes, yes it was. He lives in the room next to you, I think. Have you met him before? Err, well back to the story. I ordered him to break down the door and he did! It took him three or four good kicks before the door gave way. I pushed past Jim and into the room. It was empty, but the single window in there was open, the curtains drawn aside. I immediately knew she had escaped! I told Jim to return to his room and tell all the other children to go on playing in their rooms. I shut Sasha’s door and ran to our study – as in mine, Sylvia’s, and Cassandra’s study. It was empty, so I ran to our bedroom. Thankfully, they were both in there. I quickly told them that she was missing. Sylvia and I set out to find her. Cassandra had to stay behind since we didn’t have anyone to cover for all of us. She seemed a bit put out…Anyhow, it took us a good twenty minutes to find her. I didn’t find her; Sylvia did. I was so close to panicking! Sylvia, on the other hand, was as cool and collected.
“She was sitting in a small clearing, lying on the grass. I was so relieved when we found her, but then I turned terribly mad. I should have been gentler with her. I regret yelling at her now, but she took it in silence. Sylvia didn’t say a word the entire time. When I was finished, she calmly took Sasha’s hand and said ‘Let’s go.’ They led the way back. I was at somewhat of a loss. Sasha plainly trusted Sylvia, but I could not recall a time when Sylvia ever mentioned she was going to visit her. In fact, I had thought she never had. I suppose I was wrong. We returned to the orphanage. Cassandra found us. Before she could yell at Sasha even more, I distracted her.
“Sasha made an abrupt change in the way she lived. After that day she no longer stayed shut in her room. Sasha actually ventured out to make friends with the other children. She came down to eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner. She even moved from her single room to share a room with other children. They welcomed her timidly at first, but then grew more used to her. She did continue to go off alone in the woods when we were outside, though. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I was so happy that her dreadful period in life was over! I believed that while she sat by herself in the woods, she made a decision. A decision to begin her life again and not be held back by the past. What a naïve fool I was! I was too blind to see that there was something definitely off. Dear Lord, her parents had just been murdered and she’d been put in an orphanage! No, she didn’t make a decision to live, but to die! In her time alone, she made the jump off the edge and nothing, save the return of her parents, would bring her back.
“In the week of Sasha’s depression, she had been the focus of my attention. Now that she seemed to be satisfied, she quickly bled out and I began looking over all the children. Four or five days passed. When the breakfast bell tolled, I watched the children file in. Only one seat was empty. I asked the child beside the chair who sat there.”
“Sasha,” I whispered.
“Yes, Sasha. Still blinded, I thought nothing of it until I went to the room she slept in to find her gone, the window open, and the curtains billowing in the breeze. I grew very worried. I decided not to tell Cassandra or Sylvia. I was positive I knew where Sasha was. I needed to be quick, so I just jumped right out the window instead of going around to the front door. I rushed to the small clearing where we first found Sasha. Oh dear, I was too late! She was resting against a tree. Her head was lolling down as if she fell asleep. In fact, I would have believed she was if she wasn’t covered in her blood. That was still dripping from the wound a great wooden dagger was still stuck in. Right in her heart. Her entire front was absolutely covered in blood. Her beautiful face was untouched, though. I quickly rushed over to her, horrified. I felt for her pulse, but she was already gone. Leaving her there, I rushed back to the home. I told Sylvia and just her. Knowing Cassandra, she would have burst into tears and I didn’t want the children to become upset over it. Stupidly, I had rushed in with blood on my fingers where I touched to feel for Sasha’s pulse. Some saw and that quickly spread, but I didn’t know that. The tales they must have come up with. Sylvia ended breakfast and told them to return to their rooms. After they had left the room, all three of us rushed back to Sasha, out the front door this time. I led them to where Sasha’s body lay. She looked so peaceful, as if a brutal fight had finally ended. As expected, Cassandra broke down at the sight of her. The blood had snaked down to the ends of her arms and beginning of her legs.
“We went back to get shovels. I don’t know, but it just felt like we were supposed to bury her right there and then. We were just so compelled to.
“We dug a hole just big enough for her body. Nothing proper, unfortunately. I don’t know how the others felt, but I wanted to escape that dreadful place as quickly as I could. We buried her, but said no words. No words were felt to be said.”
“We left her there. Cassandra cried all the way back. Worst day in the days of the orphanage. It was the ninth of November. We mourn that day in remembrance of her even though we would all like to just erase her from our memories.”
“What did you tell them?” I asked.
“Err, who?”
“The children. Did you tell them the truth? What did you say?” I asked urgently.
“It was against my nature to lie, but in this case I suppose my nature was overruled. I didn’t want to frighten the children of course! I am far more protective of their lives than my virtues.”
She was beginning to annoy me. “What did you tell them, Charlotte?” I struggled to keep an edge out of my voice.
“Don’t be rude, child.” Charlotte glared at me. “There was only one obvious lie to tell them. She had been adopted. You don’t go around telling people of what I’ve said. I know who to come to if children begin whispering about this conversation.” Her tone softened abruptly. “Do you understand why I told you this story?”
Emotion left me. “Yes. I understand completely.” My voice was dead again. “Don’t worry about me Charlotte. I will be fine.”
Anybody could have heard the drastic change in my voice. But I didn’t care anymore. Deeper.
“You sure?” Her voice was all worry and concern.
“I promise you that I will not end up like Sasha.” I would keep this.
“Okay. I must go now. I’ve spent far too much time in here telling the story. Cassandra must be turning the house over to find me.” She gave a weak laugh, trying to lighten me, and maybe herself, up. “Goodbye, Leila. Feel better.”
Charlotte walked to the door. I heard the creak of it opening and a sudden impulse took control.
“Charlotte?” I called.
“Yes, dear?” she answered.
“Can you take me to Sasha’s grave?” Rock bottom.
Silence. Charlotte said one word before she closed the door.
“Never.”
The door slammed shut.