I walked up the stairs to Kaz' office, put my hand on the handle and pushed it down while opening the door. I was about to enter the room but was stopped by a gun barrel that was pointed at me.
My shoulders dropped. "Seriously? Do I need to wear a bell around my neck when I come up here?"
"Sorry, Asp - I thought you were an intruder." Jesper said with an excusing smile and quickly put his gun away.
I rolled my eyes and entered the room. Kaz sat at his desk, a map of Ketterdam was spread out which he seemed to study. He looked over to Jesper and raised his eyebrows. "Asp?"
"He has a new nickname every few hours for me," I simply said and made my way over to him. "Did you take care of the ashes?
Kaz nodded. "Rotty splattered them over the water. I assume the Razorgulls will think he's missing or dead, but they'll draw their conclusion very shortly and sent somebody else after us."
Jesper grinned. "As long as I hide behind Aspasia, nobody can hurt me."
"Don't get too close," Kaz warned him. "You might get burned."
I shot a frown over to him. What the hell was up with him today? And what was this comment supposed to mean?
"I always like to play with fire." Jesper winked at me. "See you guys later for a round of cards?"
"You can already start to practise," I replied. "You're going to lose a lot of money tonight."
"I doubt that, sweetheart."
One last grin and he was out the door, joining the others downstairs. Everybody had learned about the inferni attack hours ago and needed to distract themselves. A lot of them wanted to go straight after the Razorgulls and it took a few sharp words from Kaz to prevent an intervention. In the end, they stayed at the Crow Club and drowned their anger in alcohol while playing cards.
"How do you know about the inferni saying?" The question was bugging me since I had said it to the dead inferni and Kaz completed it.
"It may surprise you, but you're not the first inferni I have met."
"You still don't trust me, do you?" I asked him directly. I was done with tiptoeing around with this conversation. "I could have walked away from the fight or help him finish you. But instead, I risked my life to help you. What else do I have to do to prove my loyalty to you?"
"How often do I need to tell you: You're not one of my crows. I can't count on you like I can count on them."
I gave up. There was no way I would look through this man. Not in a million years. I would never understand him but in a way, he fascinated me ... He's a demon, he's a ghost, he's a saint ... You'll see him in your nightmares, you'll see him in your dreams. He'll appear out of nowhere, but he isn't what he seems. And he's even worse than you expect him to be.
I hated myself for caring for him because I knew he would never feel the same about me. He would never do for me what I did for him. It was just ... frustrating. I was the missing piece to his puzzle of destroying Pekka Rollins and the card to pull out of the Dime Lions' house. Nothing more.
"When the world is on fire, you can count on me."
"I don't need anyone."
"Everybody needs somebody, Kaz."
"You might have noticed that I'm not everybody."
There it was again. He was putting a cold distance between us. He would rather die than admit that he could trust me. What was he so afraid of? "Why do you always talk about yourself like you're the devil?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Am I not?"
"The devil wouldn't care about anybody getting hurt."
He looked away again. "If you or Inej or Jesper get hurt, the whole mission will fail."
Ah, the mission. Of course. "So, you're not the devil?"
Kaz slowly rose from his chair. "Aspasia, what do you want form a devil like me?"
Everything and nothing was the answer. "Freedom," was the one I chose. "I don't want your blessing, or your money or whatever you can steal in Ketterdam. I just want my life back."
"And I will arrange that. And for now, the plan is on track, all we have to do is to do the things that are necessary. And to stay alive."
"I killed to save your life today." I crossed my arms. "I killed one of my own. Again."
"You prevented him from a cruel death through jurda parem."
"I think getting burned to death comes very close to that."
"You did what had to be done." He looked at me and for a moment, I thought his facial features would sooth and tell me everything was alright and I had not to fear anything, that he would protect me from all trouble that was coming my way. But I was wrong, he sat down again and looked back at the map on his table. "You should go downstairs, I think Jesper is waiting for you."
Of course, he wouldn't allow himself to act human for just one moment. To just tell me that we were on the same side, fighting alongside for our common goal, without the coldness he always addressed me with. And I had been the fool who wanted to see him care for me for just one split of a second.
"Lock the statue up," I told him with a bitter voice before I walked over to the door. "We don't want to steal it back another time."