[5091 words]
Patri
I nervously looked at my reflection in the mirror once again and I almost broke out in tears as I shook my head and turned around. I undid my belt and was about to strip down my black jeans when the doorbell rang, and Levi called my name.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I hissed and quickly fixed my pants and belt again, then stepped to my dresser to give the impression of looking after something instead of having a nervous breakdown because of my anxiety level.
I already heard her voice, and a moment later she knocked once on my door before she opened it and peeked in.
"Hi, babe. Can we go?" she walked in and closed the door after herself.
I nibbled on my lip then let the walls fall down as I turned around to her with tears flooded cheeks.
"Oh, P, what's wrong?" Julia grabbed my face and wiped away my tears with her thumbs.
"I d-don't know, I'm just..." I barely could speak when the sobbing broke free, and Julia pulled me into her, her hands still remaining on my cheeks.
"Hey, hey, I'm here. Breathe for me, okay? Shh," I could see in her eyes that she got worried, and that made me pull myself together and breathe in and out as she told me. "Good, you're doing good, baby. Just concentrate on breathing and let me give you a big hug, okay?" her hands slipped down from my face, and I let her pull me into her hug. I laid my face at her shoulder and hugged her body strongly because I felt like I needed her to hold myself together.
I didn't really know what's gotten into me. Well, I know, I'm nervous, but until now, I didn't realise how much.
We stood there for minutes straight, yet I felt that it was too soon when she softly pulled me away from her. Our eyes met, and I let out a dashed sigh meanwhile she slowly smiled at me.
"Do you feel a bit better?"
I nodded as an answer, and she pulled me to my bed to sit down. I was looking at my hands while I felt Julia's gaze on my face and I realised that the silence and her presence helped me calm down.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked quietly.
"I'm nervous."
"Because of the party?"
"Because of Niall," I whispered and swallowed, but the lump in my throat didn't want to go away.
"Did you talk?"
"No. Not since the last messages, I showed you yesterday."
"Do you want to go? Because you know you don't have to."
"I know and I want to go. I just... I was so excited to see him again that I blended out how nervous I was at the same time."
"Hey, that's okay. Of course, you're feeling nervous, I'd feel the same. But there is nothing you have to worry about. We go there, you talk, we have a good time then we come home. I won't leave your side unless you tell me to. Okay?" she grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers.
"Okay," I squeezed her hand, and she kissed my cheek before she stood up. I remained sitting, still squeezing her hand and looking up to her. "It's just... it's New Year's Eve."
"Yes," she sat back down next to me, and I breathed out relieved because she gave me time and didn't nudge me to go already.
"At his place."
"Yeah."
"That's not a good combo," I blurted out, and Julia slipped her other hand under my chin to turn my head to her.
"Look at me. You can't feel guilty forever for leaving him. Yes, it happened and yes, it happened years ago on this day at his place. I'm not saying that it won't be awkward. Or uncomfortable. But who knows, maybe you'll get back together tonight and right there where you ended things."
"Oh, please," I scoffed and looked away from her as I felt my cheeks getting hot.
"Hey, it can happen! I feel that it will happen."
"Ahh, c'mon Lia," I rolled my eyes and let out a big sigh. "Okay, you know what? We go there, I will see him, it will be awkward, but you'll be glued to my side."
"Yes, you're damn right, babe. I'm here, and you can lean on me, okay?"
"I know," I whispered with a little smile and put my hands around her as I hugged her again. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Patri. We got this, okay?"
"Okay," I breathed out loudly then let her go. "Let's go."
We spent at least 30 minutes more in my room after I decided that we can go because I wanted to change my clothes first, but Julia didn't let me. Then we tried to fix my cried-out eyes and impression on my face.
One and a half hour flew by incredibly slowly which we spent at The Lucky Green with the boys before we said our goodbyes to each other and Julia, JP and me climbed into a taxi that took us to Niall's place.
I almost throw up on the way there even though I only had a gulp of champagne yet, but I deeply regretted that too because nervousness and the alcohol didn't get along too well.
Then we were standing outside in front of Niall's house suddenly, and I felt like a nauseous, weak mess staring at the oh so familiar gate. I needed another ten minutes in the cold until I felt ready to go in.
Luckily, no one noticed us as we strolled through the door. My legs remained still as soon as I stepped in and they didn't want to listen to my brain. I couldn't move as I stood in his doorway after so much time again and even though the familiar home, Niall scent was nowhere thanks to the party that was going on, the sight of his hallway rushed every memory in front of my eyes again.
„I need to go."
„Please don't leave me."
I left him nevertheless. He asked me not to leave him, and I did it. I did it and regretted it and hated myself for it, and now, I was standing exactly there where I was standing three years ago when I turned around and walked out of his life.
And I had a feeling I shouldn't be here. The feeling hit me so strongly I needed to hold myself up by grabbing Julia's hand, and I almost broke out in tears again because honestly, it was all thanks to me that I felt like this. Niall always welcomed me warmly, provided me with a feeling of wanting me to be there with him wherever we were, even now, after I broke up with him and after I managed to hurt him and ruin whatever relationship we were slowly building up again.
My brain knew that I was welcomed hence I wouldn't have even dreamed of coming here tonight if Niall didn't reach out to me. He precisely asked me to come with Julia and JP, and I agreed partly because I couldn't wait to see him again, and partly because I didn't want to upset him by not accepting his invitation.
My eyes found Lia's, and she squeezed my hand before she let it go for a second to take down her coat, and I slipped out of my blazer when JP hold his hands for mine too.
He smiled at me calmly when our eyes met, and I almost broke out in tears again because he and Julia were just the most genuine and precious persons ever. They were always there for me, always making sure that I was okay, keeping up their visits no matter if I was in Vienna or London, always making time for me, to listen and talk about my problems, to give me good advice or just be there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I honestly felt like I don't deserve them and everything they do for me. I couldn't even put into words how much I loved them and how thankful I'm for both of them.
"You okay?" Lia asked me as she grabbed my hand again, and I shook my head.
"Hey, it's okay. You're not alone," JP stepped at my other side, and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it just like Julia's. I was now between them, comforted by them like a child, but I felt so relieved to know them next to me.
I let out a shaky breath and nodded before we slowly walked to the living room. My heart was beating in my throat as I looked around the people searching after Niall, and I almost felt a little relieved when I couldn't find him.
The room had an impact on me, but not that big like the hallway a few minutes ago because it was full of people, and it was just a different sight than an empty room.
I tried to make out familiar faces between the people, but I couldn't see anyone as we walked a little more in. Music, laughing and chatting filled my ears besides the blood pumping there. The lights were dimmed to the lowest point creating a nice atmosphere, the only problem was just that it brought more memories to me. For example when I used to dim it when I was about to do a yoga flow or when Niall dimmed them and threw his nakedness at me on the couch. My eyes remained on our favourite spot on the couch, and I couldn't look away until I heard Julia's and JP's voice, and I aimed my eyes at the person in front of us.
"Hey, do my eyes see a long lost puppy finding her way back home again?" there was a wide grin on Scott's face when our eyes met, and I pulled an honest smile because I didn't expect to see him, but he was such a pleasant surprise. "Oh wow, Patri, I almost didn't recognise you," he said as he already opened his arms for a hug and didn't hesitate to scoop me into his arms. While I hugged him back, I couldn't stop repeating his words in my head, and they almost made me tear up again. How much I wanted to be the puppy that really found her way back home.
"Hey, Scott. It's really good to see you."
"It's really good to see you, it's been ages, Patri, ages!!" he dramatised the situation, and I smiled shyly at him, but I was so happy because he seemed truly thrilled to see me. "You guys, you look so much alike next to each other, I almost thought Julia brought her sister with herself," he kept looking between us, and we both laughed out with Julia.
"They sometimes even act like sisters, no kidding," JP said, and I smiled when I felt Julia squeeze my hands.
"It's the hair colour and the cute bangs, I swear," Scott shook his head to somewhat clear his sight, and it made me smile because he was still the goofy guy I got to know years ago. "Julia did it on purpose, didn't she? Totally copying your style," he told me, and I chuckled as Julia pinched him for the teasing.
"You call it copying, I call it matching with my sister, pft," she said and my smile grew ten times bigger at the hearing of her words.
"Yeah, yeah. Just kidding, you both look absolutely amazing."
"I like that much better, thank you, Scotty," Julia grinned at us.
"Oh, Patri, I have someone I'd love to introduce to you," his eyes lit up, and I grinned at him happily.
"Yeah? Could it be your beautiful wife? From what I heard you're a very lucky guy," I really almost melted when I saw the adoration sit on Scott's face. He was absolutely crazy about his wife, that was no question.
"You heard that damn right," he winked at me. "I just... lost her somewhere, but she should be around," he looked around and I did the same, but I couldn't spot Niall anywhere.
"Should I bring us something to drink?" JP turned to face us, and I let go of his hand.
"Sorry," I looked at him after I dried off my hand at my jeans. I was sure his was all sticky too, thanks to my sweaty hand that he held nevertheless.
"All good," he smiled at me.
"I'll have what you're drinking," Lia told him.
"Patri?" he looked at me.
"Anything alcohol-free, thank you."
"Scott?"
"I'm good, man, thanks."
"I'll be right back," he walked away, and I felt less comfortable now that he was not next to me.
"Congratulations on your wedding, I'm so happy for you," I told Scott, and the adoration was back on his face. He was damn adorable and so smitten.
"Thank you so much, honey! I was really sad you couldn't be there."
"I- oh, what? I didn't know... I didn't get an invitation," I mumbled confusedly and looked at Lia because she didn't tell me anything about Scott inviting me. I knew from her that he married, but that was about it.
"Yeah, we invited you and Niall because I didn't know you broke up," he said, and my eyes widened at his words.
"Oh," I pressed out of myself, and he looked at me with a smile, but his eyes glinted sadly at me.
"I'll show you pictures," he said before the awkward silence could have lengthened, and I breathed out heavily.
"That would be awesome," I mumbled and rushed a smile to my face when I spotted Deo behind Scott.
"Hey, guys," he arrived with a woman at our little circle.
"Heyyyy, man, have you seen my wife by any chance anywhere?" Scott asked, and the girl next to Deo answered her meanwhile Deo invited me into a quick hug too.
"Hi, Deo," I smiled at him, and after he hugged Julia too, he introduced us to his girlfriend, Lily.
Our circle quickly grew when Lewis, for me a stranger man and Scott's wife, Rachel, joined us. I felt good between all these kind and genuine people —who really seemed to be happy to see me—, but at the same time, I was also nervous because even though the conversations were going back and forth and no one gave a fuck about me, I still felt exposed and in the middle of everything.
Then my eyes locked with Niall's.
I couldn't really read off anything of his face as it was dark and many people stood between us, but I could see him move towards us. His eyes never left mine, and I couldn't look away from him either meanwhile the guilt was eating me up alive because I was standing in his living room after three years. Because I came here on New Year's Eve, because all his friends stood around me, because deep down in me, I still was hoping that Julia's words from earlier will become reality.
I honestly didn't know why he invited me literally out of nowhere a few days ago. We didn't speak ever since the night we spent together, simply because he did not answer any of my texts or calls.
It fucking hurt that he just left after the night we spent together, and I couldn't really explain why he didn't text me back or answered my calls. He wanted me that night just as much as I wanted him, and I even thought we'll have the chance to talk the next morning. But he disappeared while I was sleeping and ghosted me for a few days before he texted me that he needed time to become clear about things. I understood that and gave him time even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.
The holidays went by incredibly slow and painful because I was just waiting for him to text me, but that didn't happen until a few days ago. I was already back in London and the plan was to spend New Year's Eve with the boys, Julia and JP in The Lucky Green. But then Niall texted me asking if I was back from Austria and if I wanted to go to the little get together that Deo threw at his place.
Julia and I talked about this so much because I honestly couldn't rate Niall. I respected his ask and gave him time, yes, but honestly, didn't he think it would be just really fucking painful to see each other on this day in his house again? Wasn't it completely selfish of me to accept his invitation and show up here today?
He tapped Julia's shoulder as soon as he circled a bunch of people and arrived at us. I felt Lia turn around with her whole body as I heard her greet Niall, and I couldn't really believe it, but she still held my hand when she hugged him, showing me that she was here for me. I let her go, though because, the last thing I wanted was to get between the two of them. I kind of already did, even though Julia reassured me multiple times that there was nothing I should be worried about because I wasn't destroying their friendship. She even told me that Niall was glad she was there for me, and that again made me feel like the worst fucking person on this planet.
I really wanted to turn around and see them together only because I haven't had a chance to do that for a long time and I loved their friendship just as much as I loved mine with Julia. But I didn't dare to look until I felt Julia's hand slip back into mine and I took a big breath before I turned around a little to look at Niall.
"Hey," he greeted me looking into my eyes, and before I could've replied, JP was back with the drinks, and Niall greeted him with a big smile, handshake, hug, laughing and chatting.
The little smile that slipped to my lips when I faced him was nowhere seconds later, and I felt like I can't properly breathe in because of the whole situation. I wasn't expecting anything other than a hey and maybe a smile, but oh my god, it hurt fucking much that he didn't even give me a chance to greet him back.
And he certainly did not give me any chance to talk to him in the next few hours. He didn't even look at me, and I deeply regretted coming tonight. I badly wanted to leave, but I didn't want to drag Julia and JP with myself, plus there was always someone who was talking to me, and we kind of stayed in the same big circle we formed before.
There were still enough people for Niall not to hang with us, and as I looked around, I realised that I didn't know anyone else other than the people around me. Well, almost no one else because I saw Amelia, and she even came to say hi to Julia and JP. She smiled at me and greeted me too, but soon after that, she went back to her friends and Niall. I would have fallen into my great habit of overthinking if Scott and Rachel didn't keep me in a conversation.
I would have never asked Niall to kiss me if I knew that he was dating, but I knew from Julia that he wasn't in a relationship with Amelia. Plus I trusted Niall that he would have rejected me if he had a girlfriend. But I knew that they were very much dating in the past, and I also guessed that they still weren't only just friends. By the looks, she threw at him and the constant body contact between them, either Niall's hand at her waist or her arm around him, made it very clear that they were close.
It was like they were stepping around on my heart because the pain I felt was unbearable. Seeing them was even worse than hearing from Julia a few years ago that he was dating. If it wasn't for Lia next to me and Scott, Rachel, Deo and Lily keeping me in a conversation, I would have gone long crazy by now.
After a little while, the big circle formed into several little ones, and I found myself in Julia's, JP's, Lewis' and his cousins, Travis' presence. Meanwhile, Lia, JP and Lewis were talking about work stuff, Travis started a conversation with me, and we chatted about trivial stuff like the holidays, the new year, the weather and how we were both outsiders because we had nothing to do with music unless like our friends next to us.
"Patri? Lewis won't shut up until I have a shot with him, I'll be right back, okay? JP is coming too" Julia turned to us, and I smiled at her.
"Sure, all good."
"Should I bring you something to drink?"
"No, I'm alright, thanks. Go," I smiled at her encouragingly and felt relieved when I watched them walk away from us. I know Julia promised to stick to my side tonight, and I also needed her emotional support, but I wanted her to have fun too. I can surely hold out a few minutes, or at least, that was what I repeated in my head until Travis asked me something, and he took my mind off from overthinking.
My heart was beating in my throat when Niall suddenly showed up next to us, and his cologne sneaked his way into my nose, making my knees buckle.
"Hey, Travis, would you mind giving us a minute?" he cleared his throat, and my eyes slipped to him as soon as he stepped in front of me, basically switching place with Travis.
"Sure. See ya later, Patri," he smiled at me, then it was only the two of us with Niall.
"Hey," I said quietly, and he took a step closer to me that made me swallow hard and my mouth going dry.
"Hey," he answered, and his eyes roamed up and down on my face that made me blush in seconds.
"How are you?" I asked shyly, and my eyes caught him lick his lips quickly.
"I'm..." he started, then paused looking into my eyes. "Okay," he breathed out, and his answer made me sad because I had a feeling that wasn't really the truth. And honestly, why else would he feel bad if not because of me? I felt stupider by every second passing by. Why, why, why did I have to accept his invitation?
"I'm sorry about..."
"No, don't apologise and don't be sorry. Not for the last time anyways. Told ya that," he said, but I couldn't stop feeling like I made everything worse by inviting him up to me that night from weeks ago.
"I just feel bad because I can't think of anything else why you suddenly didn't want to talk to me anymore," I replied quietly.
"It was not because we slept with each other," he told me, and I nodded waiting for him to continue. But he didn't.
"Then why did you leave without a word?"
"Because of the things you said."
"The things I said?" I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to remember what left my mouth that night. "I-I don't know what you mean."
"That you waited long enough? That you always wanted me?" he lowered his voice, and my eyes widened because I couldn't remember saying any of that, but it was very much possible that the things left my mouth in the heat of the moment. "I didn't catch it at first, but then I was thinking in the morning and I just feel like you have no right to tell me things like that when you were the one who ended everything between us. It makes me mad because if you waited that long for me, then why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me you were doing an exchange semester? That you were transferring? Why didn't you come and talk to me about your problems instead of running away? I just... I don't know, I thought I can handle these feelings and that I can forgive you, but it hurts still fucking much, and I can't tolerate hearing things like that from you when you left me."
His words totally shocked me, even though they weren't shocking at all. I knew that I was hurting him and I knew that he didn't forgive me. But a part of me hoped that he did and that we can work things out. And now, I felt so ashamed for coming here. For hoping that anything would change.
"I- I'm so sorry, Ni," I whispered with tears in my eyes. "I didn't mean to- I don't want to hurt you. I truly don't. That's the last thing I want to do."
"It was a stupid idea of me to wanting to talk to you now," he shook his head, and I pressed my lips together as I tried to swallow back my tears.
"No, I shouldn't have come. Sorry. I'm going," I looked into his eyes for the last time, and after he nodded a little, I turned around to get my coat and leave before the crying can take over me.
Not even the cold air helped me to breathe normally after I stumbled out of the house and shut the door behind me. My body was trembling and the tears pinched my skin because it was bloody cold, but I couldn't care less as I opened the gate, and a second later, I was standing alone on the dark and empty street.
I didn't care that I was sobbing loudly like a little child, I just couldn't contain it anymore. My hands were trembling so much from the cold that I barely could grab my phone from my pocket, and I jumped a little when I heard the gate open behind me, expecting Julia to see when I turn around.
"Is it true?" instead of Julia, Niall's voice filled my ears, and I turned around quickly to see him staring at me with so many emotions written all over his face.
"What?" I cleared my throat to cover my crying voice, but it was pointless. Besides, the tears roamed down on my face like it was a race.
"You didn't move on from us? You are still..."
"In love with you?" I asked sadly. "Isn't it obvious, Ni?"
"I thought you're in love with someone else."
"I told you there is nothing between me and Levi."
"I know that, but... I thought someone from Vienna..."
"What? No! There is no one, and there never was anyone other than you, Niall," I whispered.
"So you don't have anyone-"
"No, but does it matter?" I asked, crying again because I felt like my heart is breaking into million and million pieces all over again. "It doesn't change the fact that you're still mad at me and that I'm hurting you. And I don't want to hurt you anymore so just... forget all of this, okay? Forget me and go back because you'll get a cold," I mumbled.
"Patri..."
"No, it's okay. Go, I called Levi to pick me up," I told quickly and felt worse for lying to him again. But I knew hearing this will get him back into the house.
"I... fuck," he went through his hair with his hands, and I looked away from him.
"Niall, go. Sorry that I showed up. I won't bother you anymore."
"That's the thing, Patri. You never bothered me, you never reached out to me, you never tell me anything you feel, and I don't fucking get why you're not trusting me!" he raised his voice.
"You know now everything, Niall, everything! There is nothing more to say, okay?" I called back louder than I should have. "I love you, and yes, I never fucking stopped loving you, and I know, I was an idiot and childish and stupid for ruining everything! I know that, okay? I knew it the moment I walked out of these doors! But I couldn't do it any other way, I didn't know what to do, I was scared. I know that it was stupid, and I should have talked to you and believe me, I would do it if I could turn back time. But it doesn't matter anymore, okay? Just forget it, forget everything I said because I truly don't want to hurt you anymore. And I will try to close off with this too and move on, don't worry. I won't ruin anything for you anymore, I promise," I quietened down at the end.
"I can't believe you," he scoffed and threw his hands in the air.
"What?" I asked back confusedly.
"So, you want this? You really want this?" he asked back angrily. "I should just forget you and everything we've been through together because you will try to do the same."
"Niall..." I whined sadly. "I just don't want this anymore. I don't want to hurt you! I don't want you to suffer every time we talk or meet because I love you, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold out that everything I do and say is only hurting you. So yes, forget about me and I'll just... you won't hear from me again," I cried, my whole body shaking because of the tears and cold.
I looked at his face once again and tried to engrave every little corner of him into my memory, meanwhile, I felt the panic rush through my body because I could see in his eyes that this was it. If he goes inside, if I go now, it would be the last time we see each other, the last time we speak to each other.
And he wanted that, he wanted to tear apart every connection between us because after our eyes met for the last time, he turned around and left me in the dark, empty street with a broken heart that barely could find a purpose to beat anymore.
•••
HEYYYY
I wanted to post a surprise update all week but I had such weird, shitty days and no motivation to write that I couldn't post earlier:(
Butttt now I want to thank you so freaking much for your opinion and kind words under the last chapter, you have no idea how incredibly happy you made me!! It's mindblowing to me that you feel so much with the characters and that you actually think through the story AND share all of it with me. I really can't thank you enough for everything!!!🤍
And well, this chapter was hell of a ride again!!😬 I loved to write it and especially to bring back Julia&JP and a few old faces🥰
I'm so excited about the next chapter, it'll be a roller coaster for sure👀
thank you so much for everything, i hope you're doing good!!!! Has your summer holidays started yet? Do you have vacation or do you have to work?🌞 take care of yourself and drink enough water!!!!
LOVE YOU☁️🤍☁️🤍