This part is pure torture lol. Have fun xx.
~Rob's perspective~
I texted him. I called him. I even went to his house, but he was not at home. I did not know where he could be, so I kind of drove around before going home. Maybe he would show up. Even if he would be drunk I would rather have him here. I need to apologize for dropping everything on him during work. I call him again, but he doesn't pick up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I wander around the apartment, waiting for him to give me a sign he's still alive and well. I feel sweaty and gross. Should I take a shower? But what if he texts and I don't answer? But what if he shows up and I look like this? If it's just a quick shower I can text back...
The water is hot and gives me time to think. It's actually too hot...
"Ouch"
I'm still not used to my new shower. I moved to an apartment in The Hague so I would be closer to work after Sjoerd left. I kind of want to go back to Brabant (part of the Netherlands) to be close to my family, but I also do not want to leave Jesse behind. I guess it wouldn't be much of a problem if it's over now... I shake off the thought and rinse out the conditioner. I check my phone while drying my hair, still no messages. I look around the bathroom, shit I forgot to grab clothes. I slip into my bedroom and while I'm putting on pants the doorbell rings. Oh shit. I grab the nearest thing I can find- his hoodie. It smells like him.
~Jesse's perspective~
You're an idiot. He told me he did not want to, he told me I pushed too much and what do I do? I go on?? The engine roars as I accelerate. His angry face is still hanging in front of me, his icy words are still cutting through my hard. Why do I keep pushing?
I reach my destination: the tulip fields. They are only here for a month or two, and I usually go with Jolein. It's a romantic place, maybe I could go here with Rob someday, if he still wants me... I shake off both thoughts. It's time to think.
The tulips look great this year, it will be great for the economy with all these tourists. I wonder if I could use this in a speech. 'Yesterday I went to the tulip fields, and I realized that we don't need animals to support our economy. We could follow plants, and make our own food: cultured meat will soon beat meat made from animals, so we should invest in the research...." yeah, that sounds good.
I walk into the white row, it reminds me of his shirt. I should get him flowers. Maybe it will turn into something more... NO. This is the problem. Why don't I buy him flowers because I hurt him and I want him to know that I lo... care for him? Love him? Care... love? Great this thought stranded too.
I suddenly hear a familiar voice. I look around and see the owner of the voice I have been seeing for 11 years, and she isn't alone. I recognize the tall man standing next to her: Jonathan, one of her colleagues who she told me had been hitting on her. So I can't crush on my colleague but she can? Fucking hell. I crouch down to not be seen and thank myself for putting on my other jacket today.
"Are you having a good time?"
"Yes, the flowers look so nice!"
Hearing her voice is bittersweet. My old feelings, the feelings I've had since kindergarten, slowly trickle through me, but they're mixed with anger and guilt, especially when I hear the next words.
"Do you want to come over so I can make you some dinner?"
"I would love to, but I still have the kids..."
"When are you gonna pass them onto him?"
"I don't know if I'm ready to see him every week yet..."
I hear her voice break and really want to hug her. This is bad. But I stay down. I look sideways and see him hugging her- goddammit.
"It's okay, you'll get there one day... take as much time as you need."
I can't help but roll my eyes- if she doesn't do it now she'll never do it, dumbass. You should push her more. Wait-
"Thank you. Jesse always kept pushing- well never mind. I'm sorry for talking about him-"
"Hey, he's been a big part of your life... it's okay!"
"No I'm with you right now, I shouldn't bring up my ex. Let's... let's go to your house, the babysitter said she could work tonight as well."
I want to stop her, make sure that she will not fall for this obvious manipulation, but I can not. I hear them walk away, laughing. How did she move on so quickly? How did I...
I have known her for over thirty years, most of my life. When I recognised her on that train I was so happy. I had never thought I would break my vow.
In sickness and in health. And now she broke it too. Did she also truly mean them? Did she think she would break them when she said those words? The constant of my life is gone. Anger rises as I walk to the other exit.
So I was pushy? I was the one who caught feelings? Who pushed me out of the house? Who went to OUR spot with her colleague? If I didn't push through she wouldn't have kids to be concerned about! I was the one who walked up to her! I was the one asking her to go on a date! If I didn't push she would not have ended up with me.
"Those are perfect, thank you."
They're dark blue and white, like his suit. The brown of the dirt reminds me of his eyes and his soft hair. I'll show him that I can be different. I already fucked up with the woman of my dreams, let's not let the man of my dreams slip through my fingers.
~
The door opens, his hair is damp and he is wearing my hoodie- again. My stomach flutters as I look at him for one second until I feel him pressed against me in a hug.
"Jesse thank God you're okay!"
I can't help but smile as I smell his shampoo. Fresh out of the shower, huh- no stop, that's what we wouldn't do.
"What did you think would happen?"
He lets go and we walk into his house.
"Well I texted, and I called a-and I even went to your house! And I didn't know where you were so I didn't know what could possibly happen to you- so I kinda panicked, but didn't know- well yeah, I was worried!"
He falls silent and turns around. Our words are perfectly synchronized:
"I'm sorry."
Why is he sorry? He looks down at my hands. Oh yeah- I hold up the tulips.
"Uhm- I-uhh- bought these... for, well, you."
I place them on the counter and when I turn around he runs into me, hugging me tightly, kissing me passionately. I kiss him back and realize how much I had been aching to feel his lips on mine. It feels right, and I feel so stupid for pushing him. When we take a break to breathe I pull his head to my chest. I want him to hear my heart beating, know my feelings are real, know that I'm truly sorry.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up at work..."
"No, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't push. I'm still stuck in my married state, where you take every opportunity, you know. I should've taken your no as your answer and stopped, and I shouldn't have pushed you any other time. I'm so sorry."
He looks up, his eyes full of love. Our lips find each other again. My hand moves through his hair.
"I missed you so much.." I whisper onto his lips.
"I missed you too." his breath tickles.
"Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong, I can't- I'm not perfect."
"You don't have to be, I wouldn't be able to compete."
"Of course you would."
I wrap my arms around him. I don't want to let go, let him slip out of my fingers, like I did with Jolein. I press a kiss on his head and feel a tear run over my face.
"Are you staying tonight?"
He looks up at me, our faces very close together. I look into his eyes to show him I truly mean my following words.
"Only if you want me to."
He keeps silent for a moment as his smile creeps up. His eyes light up and I feel my heart flutter. I really hope he lets me stay...
"I want you to stay."
A sweet kiss confirms it.
~Rob's perspective~
It is around 3 AM when I wake up. I snuggle a little closer and look up. I could never get enough of that face. His expression is calm, a faint smile adorning his lips. I press a kiss on his skin, wanting him to wake up, but also wanting him to keep sleeping.
"Rob..."
A sleepy voice that reminds me of that night, the night he had been rock bottom and he softly whispered my name. I look up, but his eyes are still closed. He turns towards me and wraps his arms around me. A warm feeling spreads through my body. I press another kiss onto the skin closest to me and want to go back to sleep when I hear a soft
"Rob?... are you awake?"
"Yeah..."
"Good. I love you."
Wow wow wow, did he just say...
Fuck, what do I say now?
"Thank you." uhhh- What? Thank you? God this is worse than the handshake. Say it back.
"I.... love you too." Why the long pause? What's wrong with me?
"Good...." I hear him go back to sleep. Okay, he probably won't remember this... Wait... he won't even remember the first time we said: "I love you". Okay, this is fine (it's not). Should I wake him up? Maybe it's better if I just go to sleep, maybe I won't remember it. Yes, that will happen. And we'll say it in a romantic setting, or never again... Never again would also work. Never again would be perfect. Okay, this is fine, it's fine.
I try to calm my heart. Just go back to sleep. I feel the sweet arms of sleep almost embracing me when I feel a soft vibration in his chest. Words fall out of his mouth, mumbled but still audible.
"No, Jonathan... don't..."
Who the fuck is Jonathan.