I watch the dinner on the table, getting cold in front of my eyes. I knew this was going to be a stupid idea, yet I went on to do it. I have never really been creative with surprises in my life, but just for a moment, I thought I could do something special for Christopher.
Things have really changed after I moved back with Christopher. It feels like we have hardly been able to squeeze any time to talk since the day Christopher got discharged. Most of the time we are out of the house busy with our works and the moments when we are together in the same room, things get pretty intense quickly and we end up having sex. It's weird that after the whole Sophia ordeal we have been expressing more with our bodies rather than our words. We have sex, go to work and then come back again to have sex. It's not like I am complaining about it. Sex with Christopher had always been amazing and intense. But sometimes it feels like we are caught in a loop trying just to compensate for all those days of sexual frustration.
I wish I had more self-control. And It makes me feel sad that my irresistible urge towards Christopher has kept me away from confessing my true feelings to him. But I can't keep things going like this forever. I need to speak to him. So, to put a break to this chain I got home early and planned this surprise dinner. And what can be more amazing than to confess your love over a plate of cream-cheese brownies? I pull back my gaze from the brownies, fighting the urge to not gulp them all together in one go. I don't know why my craving hasn't still subsided even after finishing half of the batter while making them.
I tap my fingers over the table impatiently as I wait. Where is Christopher? Why isn't he home yet? I look back at the clock and then turn again to the dining table. I had wrapped everything up and left Frosty at Emily's so I could get home and finish all this. Frosty could be a little handful sometimes, so it would have been difficult for me to carry out everything with him being around.
I was happy an hour ago that I managed to do everything on time, but it seems like my plan turned out to be an utter failure.
I don't know how much time passes after that, but I am shaken up when I hear the clicking of the front door. I smile and walk towards the door. When I reach the entrance, I find no one there. But I notice the front door ajar. I look out and see Christopher's car parked in the driveway. Where is Christopher then? I look around for a minute and turn again to look back in the house. I frown when I see Christopher making his way up the stairs.
Why he had been so quiet? Is he going to his room? And without even looking for me? He has never done it. He knows that I would be in front of Tv while waiting for him. If he won't find me there, then he would always come searching for me in the kitchen. It's weird that he didn't try to look for me. I run towards him.
"Christopher?" I call behind him when he goes into his room.
His face looks down, and I fear something is off. He is being strangely quiet. I have seen this kind of change in his behavior. I know it happens when he has those nightmares or if he has been encountered with any instance from his accident. But Christopher's demeanor right now indicates to me that this is somehow different from all those.
I stand at the doorway and look at him as he stares in the front blankly, without giving me any response. His silence has started to scare me now. When I am about to take a step forward, he lifts his gaze and turns to look at the mirror across the room. His face hardens, and I notice his eyes turning red. He looks drunk, but I know he is not.
"Christopher?" I whisper this time.
"Don't call me that..." His muscles seem to tense as he seethes in a threatening voice.
"What? Christopher, are you okay?" I ask as I begin to walk.
"Don't fucking call me Christopher..." He turns around and screams suddenly, making me jump midway.
"I am not Christopher..." He screams again and reaches for the lamp resting on the nightstand. He picks it up and throws it angrily onto the mirror. I look in horror as it hits the mirror and shatters it down to pieces, making me take a step back.
Christopher? What are you doing?" I ask in disbelief as he begins to smash other things into the already broken mirror.
"I am not Christopher Harris...I am fucking not..." he repeats in fuming anger as he keeps destroying his surrounding. I wince and move back when things fly across the room. What the hell happened to him? I have never seen him this furious. I don't know what has gotten into him because he doesn't seem to be his normal self. I am utterly scared now. I need to stop him but I don't know how am I supposed to do it. If he kept going like this, I fear he would surely wreck everything around him in the next few minutes. I watch him being terrified as he pulls the sheets off the bed screaming and then clutches his head tightly.
For a moment I fear going close to him, but then I realize something. He is in pain. He needs me. I have to help him. I know he wouldn't hurt me because he loves me. With that realization, I run immediately towards him and grab his hand before he rips off his hair.
"Stop it!" I pull his hands away and say to him. He doesn't look at me, but I still feel his body burning with rage. I don't know what to do to dampen his anger, so I do the only thing I am capable of doing at this moment. I put my arms around him and hug him tightly. He doesn't hug me back, but I can feel his body easing up slowly. I hold him for a minute and then pull back.
I look at him and place my hands over his cheeks. "Hey, look at me. What are you doing?"
Christopher looks up at me and it feels like he just recognized who I am. "Nicole?" He says scanning my face and I see the anger ebbing down his face now.
"What happened?" I hold his face and ask worriedly.
He closes his eyes and lets out a tormented breath as if my question has scraped open a wound in him. When he doesn't say anything, I run my thumb across his cheek soothingly and let him know that I am here for him. I wish I could read his mind. I wish I could know what's torturing him. He opens his eyes after a moment and I see them turn glassy. "I met Richard today." He waits for a minute and then says sadly. "He told me everything."
"Oh, my god! I can't believe this." I shake my head in disbelief and say when Christopher finishes narrating everything that Richard told him. I place my hand over my head as I sit next to Christopher on the bed in utter shock. "This...This is insane. How could Richard think of doing something like this?" I stutter, looking at the wall in front of me as I picture the entire scene that Christopher has revealed to me. It pains me to see Christopher's slouched form when I turn back to him. I gently lay my hand over his shoulder.
His face looks hollow. If what I've heard is true, then I can't even imagine what Christopher is going through right now. He keeps staring at his lap, and then I hear him speak. "I am not Christopher. I am not someone I believed I was.."
"I was never a gangster. For the past 3 years, I went on killing people, smuggling drugs, weapons, and doing all that fucking shit just because I believed the words of a man...A man who I thought was in my favor." His voice cracks in the middle as he continues. "I can't believe I trusted a man who kept deceiving me for three years. How couldn't I realize it before that he was never on my side?" I stare at him helplessly as he goes on.
"It was all a lie. I was living a lie for the past 3 years." Christopher whispers in defeat.
"All those times when Richard took me to the doctors, telling me that I would get my memories back, I didn't know he was just planning the exact opposite of it. I can't believe he was drugging me to make sure that I could never remember anything." I fight back my tears when I feel the agony in his voice. I feel anger rising through my body as I listen to Christopher. How could Richard think of doing this? "I don't even know if I would ever remember anything." He says, sighing heavily.
"That's not true. We could consult a good psychiatrist. I am sure you would get back your memories." I wipe my eyes and try to console him.
"I feel like I can't comprehend what's true and what's false anymore. I thought being unaware of the truth was torture, but now I realize that knowing the truth is even worse." Christopher turns to look at me with his sad eyes. He chuckles sadly and I feel miserable not being able to do anything to lessen his pain. "It would have been better if I would have died that day instead of Christopher."
"Hey, don't say that..." I hold his shoulders and turn him to look at me.
"Christopher...look at me," I say when he doesn't raise his head. He winces when I call him Christopher. Now I realize why he was acting so strange when I called his name because the truth is it's not his actual name. It is even shocking for me to know that I fell in love with a man who wasn't carrying his real identity.
But any of this isn't Christopher's fault. He didn't know about Richard's evil intentions. He didn't know that he would be manipulated by him like this.
I look into Christopher's eyes and say when he looks at me. "What Richard did is really disgusting. It makes me sick to imagine how twisted his plan was...but this is not the end."
Before I can proceed, Christopher clenches his jaw and speaks angrily. "Don't you understand, Nicole? He fucked up everything. He tricked me into his trap. He messed with my mind and now I can't think straight with this fucking face-A face which is fucking not mine."
He huffs, looking at me. "I don't know if I am Leo or Christopher or some other son of a bitch..."
"Stop it! Stop saying so." I tell him, feeling frustrated. "I can understand everything, Christopher. But you are the one here who is not realizing what you are doing. You are letting Richard win. He let you know the truth because he wanted to see you suffer. He knew what damage it would cause to you and you are letting him take pleasure in it." I pause for a moment and then continue. "What Richard did is fucking horrible, but the truth is we can't reverse the destruction that he has done to you. As much as you think you hate this face now, but you can't deny that it's yours. You can't run from it. It's your reality and you need to accept it." Christopher clenches his jaw and doesn't say anything in response.
I sigh and look at him. "I know I can't feel the pain you are going through right now but you can't just give up."
"Christopher..." He shuts his eyes and turns away when I take again the name which he believes is not his.
I take a deep breath and cup his cheeks. I move closure to him and look straight into his eyes when he turns to face me. "You have to listen, Christopher. Yes, for me you'll always be Christopher. I don't know who you were before. I don't know what you did before. I just know that you are the man that I met. The Christopher that I met."
He stares at me as I speak. "I don't care if you were an agent years ago or a gangster now." I close my eyes for a moment and look back at him. "I just know that you are the Christopher who cared for me. The Christopher who helped me when I was in danger. The Christopher who saved my life. The Christopher who was always there by my side." My eyes scan his face as I try to remind him. "You are the Christopher who killed a monster to protect a little girl. The Christopher who loved that girl like his own sister and gave her a new family."
I smile weakly and say. "The Christopher who let me know the hardest secrets of his life. The Christopher who stood against Richard to discover the truth."
I rest my forehead against his and then whisper, looking into his eyes. "The Christopher who revived back my faith in love."
His eyes grow wide as he gazes at me when I say that. "Nicole?"
I nod and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. "I love you." I smile and then lean in to kiss Christopher. I know he is too shocked to learn this at the moment but that doesn't refrain me from kissing him. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him slowly, letting him know how much he means to me. His lips tremble and I could taste both pain and satisfaction on them at the same time as he struggles to kiss me.
When I pull back, I look into his eyes and say. "I know I can't even imagine how you are feeling after learning that the face you have is not yours. But it doesn't matter to me. What you did, who you were, or how you looked before doesn't matter anymore." I gently kiss him again. "You know what? The thing that matters the most is what's inside here." I whisper against his lips and place my hand over his chest, just above where his heart is. I stare into his eyes as I keep my hand over his heart. "And I know what's inside is pure. I have seen it. I have seen the real you, Christopher, and nothing that you have told me would ever be able to change the way I feel about you."
His gloomy eyes twinkle at me as he stares at me without uttering a single word. I wish I could know what's going through his mind right now. After a moment, I see his face crumpling as he shakes his head, feeling dejected. "I am tired, Nicole. I can't do this anymore. I want to leave...I want to get out of this...please..." He puts his arms around my waist and buries his face into my chest. My heart aches when I feel his body shaking. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless at the moment but at the same I know I can't let him break like this. I need to help him.
I run my fingers over his back, trying to comfort him as I say. "Shhhh...I'll help you. I'll get you out of this."