I scream, sweat dripping down my face, eyes dried with water although there were still tears running down my cheeks. I grab my bed's blanket to steady myself, gripping it with all my strength, and mutter:
"It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare"
My heart pounded, head throbbing in the pain. Suddenly, I hear a bang and the posh mahogany door leading to my room slams open and I see Phoenix run inside; he probably heard me scream.
"Willow! Are you okay?" he asks walking closer to me.
"Not exactly..." I reply cautiously.
He sits next to me in the bed and reaches to my face to tuck a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. His hand hovers on my cheek lightly as he stared into my eyes; my heart skipped a beat. And then he asks me...
"Why?"
I decide to answer partially honestly and tell him.
"I had a nightmare, I was falling from the balcony." I point to the glass doors "I'm just... I don't..." I start crying again, not fully in control with my emotions.
He grabbed my hands and his fingers interlocked with mine and happiness flooded through me and it was like all of the pain had washed away.
"I don't want you to be in pain, it hurts me to even think about it"
"I promise I'm fine." I lied, knowing I would never have the confidence to tell him what happened in my nightmare.
"Please, I know your hiding something from me. You've acted differently ever since I introduced you to Brianna"
Yeah, because I love you with my heart and soul and don't like picturing you with another girl even though I'll never be good enough for you, is what I wanted to say but instead I end up saying:
"I'm sorry, Phoenix"
"What are you sorry about?"
"N- Nothing... Well- I don't know...."
"Okay, well I'd probably better get off to bed"
Phoenix gets up from the bed and starts making his way to the door when I grab his hand.
"Please don't go! I don't think I could fight the nightmares without you."
He turned around his sea green eyes glittering and he said...
"Alright, I'll stay with you"
He climbs into my bed and holds me until a fall into a daze of sleep and somehow I mutter, not completely aware of what I was saying...
"You'll love me, forever?"
"Forever" he echos, and there is something about the tone in his voice that I know he is being totally honest.
His arm protectively wraps around me, and he buries his face in my hair and I drift off slowly to sleep in the safe embrace of his warmth.
next day-
I sat on the bench outside the building we were staying at and watched the people walking by. The people were dressed in different types of clothes, most were dressed in casual wear with touches of colour and the others in more fancy wear with a lot of colour. I realised the people in the more colourful were older and there were less of them than the younger ones in less extravagant outfits. I instantly recognise this as the new generation and the generation that survived the revolution; Aunt Effie would always show us pictures of what she used to wear and Uncle Haymitch would always tease her about it saying how she used to dress so extra and she would always argue back that she needed to be 'within the fashion trends'.
I tried to distract myself with looking at the grey concrete street, occasionally someone would point at me and whisper something to the person beside them. Nobody has approached me yet; but I couldn't help feeling like a lion in a cage, in a zoo, being stared at but instead of fear, of admiration. I couldn't figure out why- I wasn't in the revolution, my mother and father were though; I didn't do anything. I sigh and close my eyes; imagining being in a meadow full of daisies, it being calm the only noises was the small chirp of birds surrounding me. The soft pastel colours of other flowers dotted around the daises, I could smell the tulips spread throughout the meadow. I take a deep breath in, relief flooded my body, like all the pain from the world had slipped away.
"Hey, Willow?"
A familiar voice came from beside me and I quickly opened my eyes realising Phoenix was sitting next to me on the bench, looking straight at me, a panicked look on his face.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah- yeah don't worry I'm fine I was just thinking"
"Oh, okay then" His face relaxed, "well I found this place which is cool; do you wanna see?"
"Yeah!! How far away is it?"
"I'm not too sure, probably like 15 minutes of a walk"
"Okay then! Right, what makes that place so- special?"
"You'll find out soon enough"
He gets up from the bench and I follow him as he joins the other wandering people in the street. I turned to him, knowing I would have to ask sooner or later otherwise I would live in agony of not knowing what it meant to him:
"So... about what happened last night... why did you stay with me?"
"I- I..." He stutters, and I instantly realise he is confused, he didn't actually know why or he was confused about his feelings. Aren't we all? I decide that it's probably a mix of both and I can tell he is feeling awkward so I change the subject quickly:
"Never mind- it's ok, anyway, as you came here a day before me, have you met anyone here yet that I haven't?"
He seems relieved but I can tell that question was still circling around his mind and it will probably stay there for the next few hours.
"Well..." He begins carefully, I can tell by the small frown on his face that he is trying to remember everyone's names. "There was this one boy that I didn't get a great impression from..."
"Really!? But you get along with literally everyone"
"Yeah... but for some reason I could sense this boy didn't like me"
"Do you remember his name?"
"I think it was something like- Zack- I'm honestly not too sure"
We continue our conversation for the next 15 minutes of the walk.
15 mins later-
With Phoenix's hand within mine, he pulled me through two glass double doors and my jaw dropped. It looked like a training centre, every type of weapon imaginable laid out in front on mats, stools and tables.
My eyes darted around the room trying to take it all in and I felt Phoenix drag me in to show me around.
"Wow... how did you find this place?"
"I'm not too sure, I was just wandering around the capitol and I came across this."
I took a step forward and out of the corner of my eye I saw a carving into the wall, it said:
'Training Centre for the 75th Hunger Games'
I ran my finger over the carving, making sure I was reading this correctly. The 75th Hunger Games... I suddenly realised that this was the games that my parents and Phoenix's father was in the arena. My eyes scanned the wall again and then I heard Phoenix say my name from behind me.
"Hey Willow! Quit staring at the wall, and look at this."
I turn and see Phoenix standing in-front of a bow and arrow fighting simulator and I walk up to him.
"Look" He points to the lasers darting around the room inside the simulator. "I think it's based off the that VR thing they had years and years ago"
"VR?"
"Virtual Reality" He explained. "So do you wanna try it or what?"
"Yeah! Of course I want to try it. Do you know if it's safe? Because on the wall back there it said-"
He interrupted my sentence and said "Yeah it's safe. Remember I came here yesterday, I tried some of the other ones and they were fine"
"Alright then"
I stepped through the glass door into the simulator and suddenly saw it come to life, orange lasers darted around me. A blue keypad stood out in arms length, many buttons filled the keypad and I clicked random ones, not knowing what they do, for all I knew they could blow me and Phoenix up.
I turned around to look at Phoenix and he gave me a reassuring smile. I grabbed the bow that came out the wall and I heard a silent 'whoosh' from behind me. I spin pointing an arrow at the orange lasers forming a human, and let go of the string. To my surprise, the orange laser blew up in little pieces. I whip around again and see another coming at me, I release another arrow, it also explodes in parts. I load up my bow again getting ready to shoot the next one, and to my surprise a small sound comes from above. My eyes dart up and my bow and arrow quickly follows, I release the arrow it piercing through the orange laser's makeshift head. I turn around and see Phoenix smiling at me and I return his smile, turning around to finish the bow and arrow session.
I place the bow back in its stand and walked away as it slowly descended into the wall the same way it came out, and so I strolled over to Phoenix, who was leaning against the wall, a huge smile on his face.
"I knew you'd be amazing at that"
"That was so fun! And thank you, I don't think I was amazing- I think 'decent' is a better word"
"You're seriously telling me that you only think you're 'decent' at archery? Honestly Lulu, don't underestimate yourself like that. You're incredible"
He playfully nudged me once while we walked over to a different area in the training centre.
"So where are we going next?" I asked, curious.
"To the knife throwing section"
"Ooh, are there like targets or something?"
"See for yourself"
He gestured out in front of him and I glanced where his hand directed at, not fully sure what to expect. Laid out in front of me was what I could only guess was every single throwing knife known to humankind, and standing in very exact rows, even though they were placed sporadically, was many targets and dummies.
"Wait, wait... watch this" Phoenix says as he picks up a knife. He flips it in his hand and faster than I can see he and throws it at incredible speed at one of the dummies stabbing it right where the heart would be.
"Woah- how did you do that?" I ask.
He starts laughing and says "Honestly I'm not too sure... I only have ever hit it on the torso around the chest, never the heart." He smiles at me, "I guess your my lucky charm"
His eyes sparkle and I hear my heart skip a beat. Butterflies fill up my stomach and I feel my cheeks flush with colour. I look away from his gaze and turn to pick up one of the knifes. I spin it in my hand, glancing at the pristine condition of the sterling silver point and the sharpness of the side; how did they trust the tributes with these to not kill each other?!
I feel my vision sharpen and there was only me and the dummy in the room, time felt frozen and I grasp the handle harder getting ready to release it with as much force as I could muster. I breathe in and chuck the knife at the dummy's chest.
BANG.
The knife had landed in the dummy's head, exactly where the bridge of the nose would be. I guess my aim was off, but I was lucky.
"Whoops didn't mean to do that"
"You didn't mean to- holy crap Willow your good at this"
I turn to look at him and grin.
"I promise I'm not deadly"
He laughs and says, "Well I'd be worried if I was against you in a hunger games. Right ok I'm gonna go get the knifes from the dummies, try hit the targets"
I nod and grab another knife from the table, holding it up to the light watching the white LED glare bounce off of it, I bring it down again and scan the targets, trying to choose one to aim for. Suddenly, I hear a cry of agony coming from Phoenix and I turn around...
My heart pounded in my head as I looked at the gaping cut in Phoenix's upper arm. He started to register the pain and the gushing blood dripping down. I saw his panicked expression as he dropped to the floor grasping his lower arm, not daring to look at the wound. I glance at my hand, wondering if it was me that threw the knife accidentally, but it wasn't. The knife still glistened perfectly, clear of any blood; I let it go, the weapon barely missing my foot and it clattered right next to the one with splattered red paint on it, except... it wasn't paint. I run over to Phoenix but realise quickly someone else had beaten me to it- a boy, maybe a year older than me with dark brown hair knelt beside Phoenix; muttering something to him that I couldn't hear.
I dropped to my knees beside this boy, ignoring his presence, and focused all my attention on Phoenix.
"Phoenix... Phoenix, look at me" I said cautiously.
He turned up his head from looking at the bleeding cut and stared into my eyes.
"Lulu... it's not as bad as it looks, I promise"
"No Phoenix you're obviously in pain. Could you try sit up for me so I can see the... the... injury" I manage to choke out.
"Okay... Willow, please, you're worrying about me now. I'm stronger than you think... you know that."
He made his way to sitting upright, leaning in his right arm to turn himself around. While doing so, I saw in my peripheral vision that the boy's glances were darting back and forth from Phoenix to me, then back again.
"You're Willow Mellark. Right?" he asked me.
"Willow Mellark- Everdeen" I corrected him, "and can I please ask who you are?"
I realised I was putting on a very posh voice for no apparent reason.
"I'm Zack... Zack Hawthorne"
My eyes darted up at him, away from Phoenix, I instantly connected the name Zack to the one person to the one person Phoenix didn't get a good feeling from. I wonder why, now that he just chucked a knife at Phoenix's arm, I snicker in my head and then stop myself, this wasn't the time for sarcasm. But his last name... 'Hawthorne' was something I recognised, I couldn't put my finger on it. I brought myself back to the present sorting out my priorities, Phoenix was hurt and I needed to help him.
"Right, well..." I looked at the cut in Phoenix's arm, the blood flow coming out of it had died down now, although from the stain in the brown wooden floor I knew he had lost a lot of blood from his system already.
"Willow... I promise, I'm fine"
I glared at him giving him the death look, I knew he wasn't just 'fine', how could he be? A knife just stabbed him in the arm for God's sake. He cowered away from my glare and I went back to looking at his arm.
"You're going to need stitches" I announced disappointed, I had hoped that the cut would be able to heal on its own but it was too deep into the the arm.
"I'm sorry" Zack said "I truly am, sorry" I studied his face, on the outside... yes, he looked sorry but I knew he didn't actually mean it. He was smug, even proud of himself. How horrible.
"You don't suppose there is a first aid-"
"Nope, I checked yesterday" Phoenix said, interrupting my sentence.
I sighed quietly to myself and unwillingly asked Zack if he had a phone on him to call an ambulance so Phoenix wouldn't die of blood loss.
half an hour later-
I now sat outside the waiting room, my family and Annie had joined me, we were waiting for Phoenix's stitching to be done. I watched Zack walk into the room through the heavy double doors, followed closely behind by a tall man, I paid no attention to this man, just watching Zack, they way he awkwardly shuffled into the room his hands behind his back and he said:
"Willow... do you mind talking to me?" He paused as his eyes darted around the room filled with people and he added "...alone"
I hesitated, what did he want from me?, and then replied "Sure"
I got up slowly from my chair and under my breath I muttered to Rye,
"If Phoenix comes out when I'm gone, tell him to look for me"
He silently nodded in reply and I walked towards Zack, not looking directly in his grey eyes as I could feel everyone watching us. He ran a hand through his hair and started walking off and I followed him outside of the Capitol's technically-advanced hospital and into the small park which was currently empty; nothing but the birds that flew around the green made a sound. He led me, still not talking, to under an old oak tree and sat down, he looked expectantly at me to follow his actions and when I didn't move he stared at the floor.
"You know I am sorry"
"Please- you don't even care about Phoenix. You threw a knife in his arm, for Gods sake"
"I told you," he looked up at me "it was an accident!"
"Accident or not, saying 'sorry' does not fix that we had to call an ambulance for him so he wouldn't die of blood loss"
"He was nowhere near-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence"
"What...? It's the truth"
I glared at him and turned around so my back was towards him.
"What can I say to make you forgive me?"
"Nothing... I know you were proud of yourself when the knife pierced into Phoenix's arm" I felt my body tense, "What were you aiming for? His heart?"
"Excuse me?" I heard him get up on his feet and grabbed my shoulders to turn me around to face him. "You think I would kill someone?"
"Well I don't know, you felt no remorse when Phoenix dropped to the floor in agony"
"So that instantly connects to having no remorse when taking someone's life"
His grey eyes pierced through mine and I tried to control my heartbeat and breathing.
"Look, Willow, Phoenix is fine. Why can't you just forgive me? It's not like you're dating" A silent knife stabbed through my heart at that sentence and I winced ever so slightly. "See, I would expect this from Brianna, his girlfriend, but not you... as much as I know, you guys are just best friends" He gazed expectantly into my eyes.
"It's hopeless" I muttered, "he loves Bri and no-one else". I close my eyes slowly, finally released from the real world and into the peaceful darkness. I forced my eyes open and looked at him face-to-face.
"Willow... did I say something? What's wrong?" Zack asked, looking concerned.
"No- well... no, never mind. It's nothing." I replied, dismissively. "When you told me your name, I recognised your surname 'Hawthorne' from somewhere... who are your parents?"
"Oh, oh yeah... of course you would recognise it... my father is Gale Hawthorne."
My heartbeat stopped for a moment and my breathing paused as I mouthed the word 'Oh'. His eyes darted to the ground looking at his shoes. Silence.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps come from the edge of the park but I didn't look up from the ground until I heard Phoenix's voice:
"Willow! See I told you I was fine."
I run lightly over to him, leaving Zack standing alone looking out into the distance.
"Phoenix!" I wipe away the tears nearly spilling out my eyes. "Can I see your arm?"
He lifted up his sleeve once I got near him to show me the stitches which ran from underneath his shoulder to just above his elbow.
"Oh my God- Phoenix... I didn't realise the cut was so big. I'm sorry!" I gulp, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
"What are you sorry for? You didn't injure me." His eyes flickered from mine to Zack's who was standing quite a distance away but was obviously watching our exchange. When his eyes met Phoenix's he looked away and started walking towards us.
For a solid moment I wonder if he was going to say something to us but instead of stopping walking he continues, pushing both of us away from each other and walking through us, quickly so nobody could stop him. I watch him as he rapidly strides away- not looking back once.
I glanced at Phoenix and saw in his face that he too, was as confused as I was. We stayed in silence for a moment, not fully understanding what just happened and trying to process it.
"I think we probably should go inside now" Phoenix says, breaking the silence. "Wait..."
"Yeah probably, and what?"
"Don't we have those interviews..."
I could feel panic rising up in my body, anxiety starting to form. I tried to breath but the lump in my throat was back and however hard I tried I just couldn't swallow it away. To drown it out.
"Willow? You've gone really pale... are you okay?"
"Yeah... I'm- okay... I guess"
-the next day
I let the silk dress flow around me and I look in the mirror. My brown hair was half pulled up, gypsophila threaded through it creating an elegant but simple hairstyle. My shoes were decorated with small sparkling diamonds, it took me a while too get used to them as they were heels but Aunt Effie taught me how to walk in them while my Mum watched. She laughed and kept commenting saying things like:
"Wow Willow! You're definitely more stable in these shoes than your mother was."
My Mum would laugh and smile at me.
But nothing compared to the dress, midnight blue that glimmered when I moved creating the image of stars in a night sky. That exact shade of blue was my favourite colour and brought me so much comfort as it reminded me of home; at least something would be remotely familiar when I stood in front of the masses of people. I gulp again when that thought entered my mind and I tried to wash it away, I did not need stage fright right now.
"Lulu..."
My Mum entered the room, her dress the same shade of colour as mine but the cut was different. Her dress flowed past her ankles and trailed slightly behind her, not too much that she would trip over it, but enough to make her look like a queen from my story books. Unlike mine, her hair was all down and straightened with a primrose slotted in, obviously meant to represent my Auntie, my hair however was curled perfectly.
I glance at her left hand, she was holding something very gently that sparkled when the light caught it. She stepped cautiously over to me, trying not to trip over, and she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and shook her head.
"I look nothing like myself" She sighed with a small smile. "You, however, look like a princess Willow"
"Thank you, and you look amazing Mum"
I turn to hug her, trying not to crease our dresses. When we pull away she takes the shining object in my hand and shows it to me.
"This is for you" She smiles and slots the dainty silver tiara into my hair, trying not to mess it up.
"Thank you" I smile back at her and anxiety fills up my stomach again.
"How do you feel Willow? You look nervous"
"I'm just a bit worried that's all"
"I understand, it's awful right now but when your on stage just forget that the audience is there."
"Who is even presenting it?"
"Auryn Flickerman"
I nod my head and ask another question:
"How long until we have to go on?"
"Maybe around 10 minutes, Phoenix is on after us"
"10 minutes!? Oh god" My breathing quickens and I'm pretty sure I've started hyperventilating.
"Willow, please breathe... I'll be there onstage with you don't worry"
Somehow, she manages to get me to calm down and we stand by the ramp that leads us onto the stage.
Over the extremely loud noise I hear Joey's voice echo throughout the building:
"And please give a warm welcome to the Mellark-Everdeen family! Who have decided to come to the Capitol to visit!"
I take a deep breath and walk forward, Rye, who is standing next to me in a midnight blue and white suit, doesn't look nervous at all and is very confident, how much I would give to have a mindset like that right now so I didn't look like Bambi first learning how to walk in my new shoes.
I don't hear my families interviews even though I am sitting within 3 metres of them, all I could focus on was my breathing or I knew I would start panicking. I only came back to the present when Auryn asked me some questions:
"So, Willow, we all know your mother has some very good archery talents... has any of that passed onto you?"
"Well... I- I'm not too sure, I can do archery and I'm pretty decent at it." I could feel Phoenix's eye roll at that sentence.
Auryn stood up and his electric purple highlights in his chestnut brown hair shone within the light. He held a hand out to me... obviously gesturing to raise me from the sitting position I currently was in. I took it and made myself stand, wishing on the stars that I wasn't shaking like a leaf.
All of a sudden, a table come out of the floor and on top was an archery set.
"Would you care to show us?"
A target appeared on the other side of the stage, but I had no intention on shooting it there. I pick up the bow and one, singular, arrow and start aiming it at the target... before I could release it, I point it out towards the audience and shoot right above their heads at the back wall. Everyone gasped in shock and I could just hear Uncle Haymitch's, my mother's and my father's laughs they had already predicted that I wouldn't go for the selected target.
The rest of the interview went along in a blur but in the final minute Auryn asked:
"Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire, would you do the honours?"
She smiled and replies "Of course, but I won't do it alone this time. Willow?"
My eyes dart up at her and I can see she is standing, becoming me to join her. What was she doing? I stand up with her and she mutters "On the count of three I want you to spin, don't worry, don't panic, you are perfectly safe. I will be here with you"
"Mum?" I whisper back in reply.
"3... 2... 1"
I start twirling like my mother had just told me, to my surprise, beautiful sparks of white and yellow come out from the bottom of my dress. I look over, still spinning, at my mother whose dress was transforming... fire was burning off the edges, I started to get ready to warn her but I remember her telling me not to panic. I refocus my attention back to my dress and see the fire coming out of mine was a different colour than normal fire, it looked more white with tints of blue that the yellow had changed into.
I finally stop, and dizziness takes over me; my legs wobble a bit and I struggle to regain my balance. I giggle as the world comes back into focus. Before I know it my interview is over and me and my family take our place nearly off-stage to the right.
I watch as Phoenix comes out in a perfect tux and starts chatting to Auryn all calm and relaxed. I don't hear much of his interview because my head is still foggy from the unusual fire and dizziness, but I do catch the ending...
"So, Phoenix... I think we all would like to know here, if you are dating anyone?"
Phoenix shakes his head and looks at the ground. What? I thought he was dating Brianna! Did they break up? A million scenarios pop into my head but I wipe them away as I listen to the next sentence:
"Well... What about a crush?"
Phoenix laughs lightly and says "Yes... yes I do have a crush, and I think this is an awfully coincidental moment for you to ask me this right now, in this interview, because of her parents."
"So, what is their name?"
"Willow Primrose Mellark-Everdeen"
I stand, frozen, like an ice sculpture and I can feel all eyes directed onto me. My cheeks flush bright red and my heartbeat races 10x faster, no, scratch that... 100x faster. I realise I cannot seem to breathe and a smile starts to form on my face, but it quickly wipes away as I run, as fast as I possibly can in stupid heels off the stage and down through the hotel. I pause for a few seconds to chuck off my shoes and run and run as fast as I can to my room not paying attention to anyone around me.
I slam open the door to my bathroom and lock it shut when I realise tears are streaming down my face. Why was I acting like this for God sake?! I don't even understand myself. Phoenix said he likes me for crying out loud- I like him back... why was this so difficult for me to comprehend?! Something inside of me, something deep in my soul told me I needed to run... and for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sit on the shower floor and turn on the freezing cold water letting it soak me through, I didn't care if I was fully dressed or that I was starting to shiver...
I was just trying to drown it all out.