With sore legs, I turned as I can't find a proper position in bed. My loud mind won't seem to let me sink into a deep sleep either. Thoughts about Rylan devour me entirely as they won't stop. It's like this gap inside of my chest that never heals as something keeps eating pieces of me. No matter how much I feed it, it keeps on wanting more.
I decided to get out of bed to leave the frustrations behind, but they followed me all the way up to the balcony. The night air felt nice to breathe but too cold on my skin, but the fresh air doesn't offer comfort. The hole in my chest lays heavy as tears want to come out of my eyes. However, I shake it off before the opportunity arises.
With a shiver, I went back inside and stumbled down the stairs. I stopped in the hallway, between the doors of Rylan's and mine's bedrooms. I stare at her closed door endlessly as I wonder if she is awake or asleep this late at night. Even if she was asleep, would she be having a nightmare again, or if she is awake, would she lay in bed all night rethinking everything that happened to her?
I shook my head of myself and was on the way into my bedroom as Rylan's door opened behind me. I faced a pair of tired blue eyes which has become normal but still concerning to me. In silence, we only look at each other. It's something in those eyes that keeps on pulling me to her and I can't stop the current no matter how much I try, but I don't want to try anymore. I'm so tired of trying.
Slowly I step over to her and stare right up into her eyes to see if I could sense any discomfort. Yet, I have figured that no matter how close I am to her, she never seems to mind, or maybe she is just that good to hide her feelings. I bit my bottom lip as I placed my hands on her waist and she narrowed her eyes as she looked down at my unexpected touch. With a light push, she got the hint and stepped back into her bedroom along with me.
"I can't sleep," I whispered and she tilted her head.
"Why not?" She asked lightly and I let out a deep breath.
"Because I can't stop thinking," I answered and swallowed hard.
"Thinking about what?" She whispered and I bite my lip as I took that one step forward that made out bodies collide against each other. Rylan seems to be unaffected by the closeness, which made me almost back away, but I stand my ground because the softness in her eyes tells me something else.
"You. I can't stop thinking about you," I admitted and it didn't look like it surprised her at all as she stood frozen to the ground.
"Please, say something," I begged as she has been quiet for a while.
"What do you want me to say?" She only asked and it felt like a stab in the gut as I clutched onto her t-shirt on her waist in frustration. I don't want her to ask me what I want to hear. I want her to tell me what she thinks or what she feels. I let go of her shirt to close the door and faced her again—this time with anger flowing through every inch of me.
"I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear," I said harshly and stepped back to her.
"Why do you have to be so difficult sometimes?" I asked and clenched my jaw in annoyance as she stayed quiet.
"Say something!"I almost shouted, but she didn't. Instead, she came closer to me and laid her hand on my cheek to brush my hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes to her warm touch and leaned into it as it brought me so much comfort.
"I have seen you with your walls high up and without them," I opened my eyes as she spoke so softly.
"The beauty you show without them is breathtaking," She said and my body started to tremble as tears wanted to creep out.
"I have honestly never met someone who has turned me so upside down as you have, Hadley," She shook her head as she cupped my cheeks into her hands and stared at me with pain in her eyes.
"I can't find my ground around you. I can't figure out whether to choose your safety or your happiness first. I want you to be safe and it's my job to keep you safe, but it brings you misery. It's so hard to choose which one is more important," She admitted and rested her forehead on mine. Her warm breath is teasing me as I gazed at her desirable lips.
"It's my job to protect you and my feelings come in the way," She whispered and closed her eyes and clenched her jaw tightly.
"I haven't felt safer with anyone as I have been with you," I said and she opened her eyes as a tiny smile wanted to expose itself on her lips. Slowly I reached up to grab her shirt by the collar to pull her down to me. She leaned so close but froze as her nose touched mine.
"We shouldn't," She said. Her breath tickled my mouth, which made all the senses leave my mind.
"I don't care," I responded out of breath as the little patience I have is on the line and it cracked as she left me to stand all alone with emotions I can't comprehend on my own. My hands clenched on their own command as I rushed toward her.
"We can't," She said, but I laid my hands on her cheeks.
"Shut up," I pulled her down and this time, she didn't resist as she bent down with her lips onto my own. With our lips clashed, we move them with desperation as if the feelings we have held back have finally caught their breath. A firm hand is placed on my back and I laid my arms over her shoulders to pull her closer, but no matter how much I drag, it's not enough.
Without warning, she lifted me from the ground and I wrapped my legs around her waist. Now at the same height, I stare right into those blue eyes as my forehead is leaned against hers. A hint of red is exposed on my cheeks. When did I become the vulnerable one? The one to let down my guard around someone. It's like my mind has found the peace that it's never had. As if it's okay to be fragile. Maybe because I know she has it a lot worse than me or because I know that I can be myself with her. I can't put my finger on it, but maybe I don't have to.
One last look in her eyes, I placed my lips back onto hers and this time together, we were gentler with each other, more patient. I still want her in more ways than I could ever describe, but it's far too soon for anything. I moved back and she sat down on the edge of the bed with me on her lap.
"What's going on in there?" I asked lightly as I laid my pointy finger on her temple.
"You don't want to know," She shook her head.
"Please," I begged as I laid my hands on her cheek to make her look me in the eyes.
"I'm not supposed to feel like this for you. It's wrong considering that it's my job to keep you safe. I shouldn't be in this situation with you," She said and I nodded sadly.
"I don't know what to do," She added, frustrated as she closed her eyes tightly.
"Don't think," I offered and she opened her eyes.
"Just breathe for once," I smiled.
"Okay," She sounded relieved as she leaned down into the bed. I moved off her and we placed ourselves comfortably on the bed, side by side to gaze at each other.