Niall Horan
We were back on the bus again, this time headed to Brussels. Like usual, we're traveling late in the night. It's easiest anyway since we have bunks and can sleep on the trip. But everyone is still gathered at the back of the bus hanging out for now.
Kate had changed into her PJs which was really getting to me. They're very comfy looking pajamas, not sexy or revealing, but she just looks cute. It's so dorky and just like her to change into them as if this bus is some big slumber party.
Everyone was worn out from the day and just droning on their phones with short side conversations here and there.
"Anyone want to play cards?" Kate asked.
"Just any card game?" Louis asked, sounding confused.
"Yeah. Gin rummy?" Kate suggested. "I brought a couple decks of cards," she said as she started digging through her bag. "But we have an odd number so that's not ideal..."
Harry grinned and looked around the room seeing if anyone was as amused as he was. He wasn't the only one silently laughing. What a dork. But a cute dork.
"I feel like I'm on a road trip with my gran," Louis said.
"Well fine, we need someone to sit out anyway since we have an odd number."
Kate looked up around the circle expectantly and found she didn't have any takers. Harry finally let out a chuckle and when she looked at me I just shrugged.
"Okay, bad idea." She started stuffing the decks back in her bag and blushed deeply. "I didn't know I was road tripping with such serious musicians," she kidded with a mock tone of extreme professionalism in her voice.
Her blushing was killing me. It made me think of when we first started hooking up and she was more reserved, constantly pink in the cheeks and reminding me how she's "never done the casual thing" right before dropping to her knees.
For someone not used to the casual thing, she sure was good at it. Or at least it seemed like she was until I found out it was messing with her so bad. It feels like a gut punch every time I think about how hurt she was.
I want her again, I do. I just really think it'd be good to take things slow this time. Not too slow. Just slower than before. Which won't be hard at all considering last time was like a race to the finish line.
I'm shit at relationships but being less selfish seems like a good place to start. But it's still frustrating not quite knowing how to be less shitty at them.
"You know what, I'll play cards with you," Liam said, pulling me from my thoughts.
"You don't have to. It was a stupid idea I guess."
"No, I want to! I've played tons of gin with my dad."
"Okay." Kate's smile brightened at that and she pulled a deck out and started shuffling. None of the rest of us joined but we stayed back there hanging out with them for a bit longer.
They seemed to be having a good time and I tried not to think anything of it. Obviously it's an innocent game of cards, and of course I want Kate to gel with the guys so she enjoys her time on this tour.
But old habits die hard and I'm definitely one to get a little jealous.
She's still very much keeping half her focus on me though so that eased some of my worries. When jokes were made within the group, the two of us were quick to meet each other's eyes. Just a quick glance of agreement or a little look to convey what we won't say in front of the guys.
Kate was always quick to glance elsewhere though, first seeking me out, then quickly remembering we should be more subtle.
Liam ginned, placing his discard facedown, as Kate exasperatedly said, "You're joking me!" She showed him her hand, pointing out the one seven she needed.
"Hey, you were pretty close. Round two?" Liam asked.
"You're on."
They kept at it a bit longer, having a few joking disagreements about rules — aces high or low, how they each keep score — but it was all in good fun.
"These must be Mullingar rules," Liam joked after one disagreement. Kate laughed at him but again it was my eyes she sought out at the mention of our hometown.
I feel like Liam is flirting with her. Honestly I feel like he's been a bit interested in her since the guys all first met her in the studio. You spend enough time with someone and you learn their tactics and nervous ticks.
But I just kept trying to ignore it. I kept reminding myself of Kate and I's last few days. They've been good for us. Plus it's not like Liam's doing anything wrong if he is flirting a little. As far as he knows Kate's unattached. The logical half of my brain tried to remember that.
Harry headed for the bunks about a half hour ago and now Louis said he was going to turn in too. We'll be in Brussels in an hour and a half but it's late enough that staying up for those ninety minutes isn't worth it.
"Let's just finish this hand," Kate said.
"Sounds good," Liam agreed. But they had only dealt it a few turns ago so they would likely be up another fifteen minutes.
Louis grabbed his stuff to go and turned back to me. "Niall, are you really staying up to watch this riveting card game?" He looked at me like he was asking why I wasn't following him. I guess it would be weird if I stayed up with them when I'd been half asleep for the last half hour.
Truly I don't want to leave them alone together. That's unfair to say. But I don't. I don't want Liam to lay the flirting on thicker when there are no longer prying eyes.
But everyone would have thought it was strange if I stayed. "No, I'm going to get some sleep too." I grabbed my phone charger and followed Louis to the bunks.
"Niall, you get a little weird when it comes to Kate. You're almost protective," Louis said. His words made me nervous. Are we being obvious? My heart sped up a bit. "I know she's like a little sister but lighten up a bit and let her enjoy herself," Louis finished before plopping onto his bunk and going silent for the night. He thinks it's like a sister. I let out a little sigh of relief.
...
Kate Marshall
We finally pulled up to our hotel in Brussels around three in the morning. The crew came around and woke us all up to head inside. To move from a bunk bed to a hotel bed.
We were all silent and half asleep as we made our way to the ninth floor like zombies.
Gina gave us all our room keys and a pep talk barely above a whisper on the way. "Sorry for the lateness. Thanks for hanging in there guys," she said. "Sleep in tomorrow. We'll get a late start to the day to let you catch up on sleep."
"Keep that scratch paper with our score, Marshall," Liam said through a yawn. "We're picking that back up again."
I managed a smile through my sleepiness. "You got it."
The elevator dinged and opened on our floor. The sleepiest of the crowd wasted no time silently getting into their rooms.
I noticed Niall lingering a bit, maybe hoping to slip into my room. He was walking slowly so I slowed my pace too, wanting everyone else to disappear behind their doors.
Liam hesitated a bit too but still said goodnight and went into his room. Niall and I managed to drag out our walks down the hall till it was just us two.
I was at my door when I turned around and gently reached for his hand. Not to pull him in, just to touch him, to feel my fingers intertwine with his for a moment. We were both so tired we were going to crash immediately anyway.
He put his left hand up behind my head and brought his mouth to mine, gingerly pressing a kiss to my lips as his other hand found my waist. Through the haze of sleep I felt his lips kiss mine once more but slower that time, and then he pulled away just slightly.
"Goodnight, Katie," he said low near my ear. One more slow kiss to my lips and then he was gone. He disappeared into his room down the hall.
I guess I could take things slow.
...
The next morning I ventured out of my room relatively early considering how late we were awake. I went down to the hotel's dining area, got myself a cup of coffee, and found a quiet table in the corner.
I had my notebook with me. I should really try and keep writing music. I should ride this momentum with the excitement of the latest album and the tour.
I pulled my pen out and hoped for something to come to me.
Niall has been the source of the majority of my emotions lately. The good, the bad, the apprehensive, the exhilarating. I can't seem to think of much other than him. But I feel like songs about him would be obvious they're about him.
I want to write about how I'm feeling and reacting and growing. Even if it sometimes feels like he is pulling the strings.
I was so deep in thought about him that when he came down to the main level of the hotel, it took me a moment to recognize I was staring at the real deal, not just seeing him in my mind.
He slid into the booth so that he was across from me.
"Morning. Working up a hit?" Niall asked when he noticed my notebook.
"I wish." I closed the notebook and pulled it off the table, suddenly afraid he would ask to flip through my notes.
"You feeling good?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm doing fine," I replied. "I'm settling in."
"To the tour?"
"I guess. Just everything. Life in general."
"What do you mean?" Niall asked. Most people just accept a response and move on. Do I even know what I meant?
"I don't know exactly. I've just spent a long time not feeling like myself. But lately I've been feeling like I'm getting back to the version of myself I want to be."
The look in Niall's eyes when he met mine was sad and almost apologetic. "I know that feeling," he said. "You're making a comeback."
"Huh?"
"A comeback. It sounds more positive than how you said it. Although I don't know what you think you..." Niall trailed off.
Again his eyes looked like they were trying to tell me sorry. He was thinking again that he was the source of my unhappiness.
I didn't mean to make him feel bad. Of course there are a hundred reasons why I haven't been myself lately. He is not where I place even an ounce of blame. But he can't seem to believe me.
"I better go. The band has a long day ahead," Niall said.
He slipped out of the booth and left me there, reaching a hand out to him. "Wait," I said quietly. I should have been louder. I should have made him come back or followed after him. But the truth is I don't know how to mend whatever is broken between us.