south carolina
july 1990
***
Vada
//
June is gone in a blink of an eye, and the July sun creeps in on us without warning. As it harshly beams down hundred degree rays all week, I've been stuck in the empty motel office, practically twiddling my thumbs.
The band hasn't played in almost two weeks since their leader is still recovering, and they're busy working in the town's car shop as mechanics to make extra money for rent.
"I'm not cut out for this shit," Niall's hands are dirty from grease as he wipes them with a rag.
The shop is empty while the guys work on fixing the customers cars. They wear the same striped uniform, with their names in cursive on the top left of the shirt. Li and I watched from the side, eating our frozen yogurt trying to spread light on their boring work day.
A red bandanna is pulling messy brown hair out of Louis' blue eyes as he sits on the hood of the random car. "I didn't come to America to work in a fucking car shop either, but you gotta do what you gotta do mate." he shrugs, seeming to be the good sport of it all.
Zayn however, is like his rich girlfriend. He's never had a working job like this either and complains the most. "That fat ass slime ball of a boss will regret ever being an asshole to us, once we've made it big." he wipes his hands too.
"Just fucking watch" he shakes his head.
Short skirts and pink tips have been a distraction for the drummer all day. The couple can never stay away from each other for too long. But his boss noticed, and threatened to kick Juliet and I out. Louis had to hold Zayn back from throwing a punch to the guys face after he turned around and before all hell could brake loose.
"Keep it down, he's in his office still." Louis looks behind us to the closed office door.
Zayn shrugs unbothered. "He's deaf, he can't hear me." he snorts.
I'm the first one to notice the familiar white car pull into the parking lot outside the open garage doors. Quiet rock music plays while the boys work and Li and I play a game of cards. I quickly look away from the Ford before the driver door opens.
"Well, look who fucking showed up." Niall scoffs looking up from the hood of the car.
I keep my eyes on cards as Juliet takes a glance up from our game of crazy eight's, before looking at our cards again. She appears unaffected by his presence and so do I.
I overhear the conversation as our game continues. "You guys look stupid in those uniforms," Harry comments and I hear the smirk in his voice.
Louis doesn't hold back, he never does. "And you look stupid with all of those bruises." he fires.
Trouble remains unaffected though, like always. The group of rock stars turned mechanics trash talk for a while. Li doesn't pay attention, and I pretend to be too interested in our game to even look over.
"Ha, I won." I smugly say, and of course it's one of those moments where everything is weirdly silent for a second, so my voice picks up louder than I wanted it to.
There's a smile on my face as I ignore obvious green eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. Juliet rolls her eyes insisting we play another round, because she swears she can beat me this time.
In the middle of our second game, I'm too focused on my cards so I don't notice heavy footsteps walking up from next to us. Before I know it, he's snatching cards out of my hands, and I jump out of my seat finally getting a good look.
Tall in front of me, he's in a white t-shirt, with the word 'sex' written on it. I swear he wears the most random shit, but somehow always pulls it off. He could wear a paper bag and look good.
Ray bands cover his eyes that I wouldn't doubt cover up black and blue to match the one on his cheek. His cut lip smirks at me as I reach for the card in his hand, but he yanks it back again.
Keeping his smirk, he eyes me and I feel my best friends eyes on us. "Stop being an annoying dick for once, Harry." she's annoyed like I am.
The bruised boy seems unbothered, finding our dislike towards him amusing. "What, you girly girls don't have room for one more player?" he questions.
"You cheat, Styles. No one likes a cheater." Juliet says and as his eyes go to her I reach for the card, taking it back quickly. I meet his eyes as I keep my face blank and eyes full of victory.
"No one likes a bitch either, Juliet. So why are you playing?" He crosses his arms over his chest and my girl flips him off.
"Go get your face kicked in again, asshat." She rolls her eyes, continuing to deal out cards.
I know it's messed up because it's basically my fault he's like that, but I can't help but cough back a laugh.
"Go suck Zayn's dick, maybe even Niall's too." But trouble always takes it too far as he mentions stuff that should never be brought up.
Juliet's out of her chair scraping the metal back on the pavement below us. Brown eyes are on fire and her face is red in anger as she pushes past the smirking boy who's finding her anger amusing.
"Next time you leave, stay gone." she calls over her shoulder to him as she walks away.
Harry looks back at me, smirk remaining as he is unaffected by her words.
"All I asked was if I could play a game of crazy eights, holy fuck." he shakes his head.
He never understands the damage he does. He can't see that very fine line between good and bad. It was like he fed off of destroying good things.
I keep my eyes on Juliet as she walks outside the garage door, and Zayn follows after her, always ready to calm her down. Covered green eyes and curly hair is in front of me, shuffling out cards like I actually agreed to play the game with him.
He acts casual and calm like he didn't just set a fire. I watch as he shuffles the cards with a cigarette now between his lips. Every once in a while, he'll inhale through his mouth and exhale through his nose.
As he deals cards I then lean forward, taking the extra unlit cigarette that's always behind his left ear. Grabbing his lighter off of the table, I light the stick from my mouth.
His eyes are on me as I lean back, blowing air towards the ceiling. I still don't speak to him, because what the fuck does he want me to say?
I tap ash on the ground stomping on it with my heavy boots and I realize how weird our connection is.
We weren't friends, we were far from it. We didn't even like each other half the time. And when we did get along, we either had to be on drugs or seriously intoxicated, or in his case both.
We even fucking kissed and I ran off like a lunatic and it's like it didn't happen at all. We never talked about things because we both agreed it made things more complicated. Better left buried.
"Look at me," I don't. "Fucking look at me, will you?" His voice is low and too calm.
I look now but I'm only met with my reflection through his blacked out sunglasses.
The guys are busy with customers now, Juliet's still outside with Zayn. No one is paying attention as I lean forward carefully taking sunglasses off of his eyes uncovering black and blue around his faded green.
I put the glasses over my eyes instead. "How does it feel?" I make him look at his reflection too.
He looks, but only for a second taking the cigarette out of his mouth and burning holes on the table next to shuffled cards. "Terrible."
I finally let myself look at him, really look at him since my eyes are covered and he won't be able to see me do it. His cheek bone looks like it's coming down from swelling, a nasty blue-purple turned yellow left behind. His eyebrow is cut, where his piercing used to be and I know that it's been ripped out somehow.
If this was bad, I can't imagine what the rest looks like. Zayn said something about a bruised rib, and I wonder how he can even walk right now. I swallow hard, looking away from him at the thought.
When I look back at my cards again, he takes the sunglasses off of my eyes, and instead pushes his curls back with them so they rest on his head, his bruises out for the world to see.
It's quiet between us as we carry the cards in our hands not even playing the game. Harry leaned back, arms out on the table and legs spread out in front of him, his fingers moving cards around.
I want to ask him questions. I want to know where he disappeared to and what happened. How badly he was bruised and why, just why.
But maybe I already had all the answers and just because I didn't like them, I wanted him to tell me something else just to ease my nerves.
I want him to tell me that he almost didn't die because of me. I want him to tell me he's okay and he's never going back. But I was seriously kidding myself if I ever believed that would happen.
"You should apologize to Li," I suggest when I can't take the silence anymore.
He gives me a look for a second before glancing back down at his cards. "I will," he says "but if I know her, she needs a second to calm down first." he says and I know he's right.
I look around at the shop watching the guys fix cars and listen to music. I'm starting to hate this silence between us. We're obviously not gonna talk about what happened this past week.
So I instead keep the conversation going with useless talk before I explode.
"Why don't you have this job too?" I ask.
Harry scoffs a laugh. "Because I have my own side job, remember?"
"How could I forget?" I set my cards down next to the ashtray.
I open my mouth to give my opinion, but find it useless because I promised myself I wouldn't waste anymore energy. Like Zayn said, it was foolish. Even if it was as simple as suggesting he quit that job and work here.
My mind races anyways. Was he even able to quit? How can he get out of it? Did he wanna get out of it?
His eyes are on me now and I hear the smirk in his voice as I keep things to myself. "What, no more questions?"
I glance up at him shrugging. "No," I lie because I'm exhausted.
His amused grin goes to a frown as he looks up behind me, my eyes follow his gaze to the entrance door. A tall familiar boy I haven't seen since weeks ago, stands talking to the receptionist, car keys in hand. I look back in front of me watching Harry's blank face again.
"Your boyfriend is here." he tries to hide a smile like he's teasing.
I roll my eyes at his comment. "You're a dick." I shake my head, also hiding my smile, because the thought is ridiculous. Benny Castor was too good, we already know this.
He then leans forward, dark eyes on me and searching mine. "Don't you see how he looks at you, V?" he tilts his head and I know exactly what he's talking about. "I know you're not blind, every girl wants a perfect boy like that."
I watch as Benny moves in front of me now, not yet noticing my presence. He shakes hands with one of the car mechanics, having a friendly chat. His white teeth shine as he smiles in perfection, and his golden hair glows a shade lighter than usual from being in the summer sun.
I look away, shaking my head. "Not me." I almost laughed.
Harry smirks like he already knows but still asks. "And why not?"
"Because even though I crave stability, and want it so badly. I can't find myself ever enjoying it, because I will never be good enough for it." I say simply.
His eyes are on me watching me carefully. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's not them that you don't deserve? And rather it's you, that they don't deserve?"
I watch him like he watches me and because I really don't care at this point I ask. "So did you kiss me just to prove what I don't deserve?"
"Did you run away because you agreed?" He raises his eyebrows.
The reason why I did run was way off his assumption. "I wish." I admit "if I knew what I deserved, I wouldn't have done it." I'm being honest now because I really have nothing to lose at this point.
Harry then tilts his head, wondering. He's too comfortable in his seat for this type of conversation. "You wouldn't have what, kissed me back?" his lips curve in the slightest way.
I look around for some reason, scared someone is gonna hear. But they never do so I answer shrugging. "I wouldn't have pretended that I didn't know you at the club, maybe that way you wouldn't have gotten punished for it." I look at him in his eyes now, as they suddenly light on fire.
He runs his tongue along the top of his teeth, twisting his mouth while his eyes almost glare at me. He leans forward, voice low. "It wouldn't have changed anything. Knowing me would've gotten you in trouble." he says.
"Why?"
He shakes his head letting out a breath. "I told you to stay out of it, remember?"
I almost laughed. "Well, it's too fucking late for that now, isn't it Harry?" I leaned back in my chair, relaxed but eyes on fire.
His eyes match mine, but his body is less calm. He runs his hand down his face, sighing heavily like he's trying not to lash out.
"What, you think I owe you or something?" he asks humorously, almost smiling like it's a funny question.
"Maybe you're right, maybe you should have said something" his glare is hard. "That way I could have saved myself a lot of time, a lot of pain." He looks me. "I would've left you there. I would've let him use you and treat you for what you are."
"And what am I?"
Then he smirks and it's nothing but bitter. I know his next words are gonna be everything he's been wanting to say from the moment he met me.
"Nothing," he answers, eyes on mine. "you're nothing." he means it.
I smile because he least expects it. I lean forward like he did, matching his movements. I take a good look at him, his scars, his bruises. And I know the only difference between his and mine is that mine are invisible.
"And what are you, any better?"
His smirk remains, his eyes cold, his words uncaring. "I'm glad you're finally starting to catch on." he reminds me we're the same.
"Styles!" Zayn's voice is loud enough to carry over music and loud chatter as it interrupts our stare down.
I look behind me and all eyes from the band are on Zayn, as he walks back through the garage doors. Juliet nowhere in sight.
"Keep your unnecessary comments towards my girl to yourself, before I add another bruise to your collection." he's standing in front of Harry in a flash, jaw clenched and words serious.
Harry smirks, despite the hard look in his drummer's eyes. He leans back in his chair, relaxed as he looks up at him. "Got it," he says simply, crossing his arms.
The two stare each other down and it's the first time I see them on opposite sides. But Harry's also not putting up a fight because he knows he's in the wrong this time.
Zayn narrows his eyes at him darkly. "You're gonna apologize for being an asshole too," he gives him no room for discussion as he walks away. "right now." he then calls over his shoulder.
Green eyes follow him as Zayn gets back to work, where he then yells at the two guitarists to do the same as they snicker at the interaction. Harry sighs, a smile present on his face.
"Yes, mum." he jokes, throwing down cards on the table. He stands up out of his chair to find his best friend's girlfriend to apologize, and just like that our conversation gets left up in the air.
"Didn't know you were Zayn's little bitch that does everything he says," Louis calls out across the garage, laughing. I watch as Harry flips him off before disappearing through the garage doors.
Eventually Benny finds his way over. Harry stays outside for the entire time I chat with him and I try to convince myself to give his obvious flirtation a chance.
But of course his offers are unsuccessful, because again, I'll never know what I deserve.
"Are you okay?" I wonder standing by Juliet as she leans against her car, cigarette smoke coming from her lips.
She shrugs, a slight smile on her lips. "Sure," I nudged her shoulder as she passed me the lit cigarette. "Harry's just a dick, what's new?"
I inhale agreeing with her. "He apologized though?" I exhale smoke and hand the stick back to her. She nods. "That's a first."
Black painted fingertips tap ash and it falls on the pavement by our shoes. "Well, nobody means what they say when they're fucked up anyways." her voice is nonchalant.
"Can't hold him to anything nowadays." she shakes her head.
"That seems unfair," I tell her "I mean, being fucked up isn't a good enough excuse for being a dick."
Brown eyes look at me and she gives me that bored look. "He's Harry," she says and it reminds me of the day at the beach. "Nothing about him is fair." I try to believe her words even though I don't want to.
Right before the sun sets and the boys finally close the shop for the night, Harry takes off never telling anybody where he's going. But half of us always have a guess, and I finally know why none of them question him.
I get back to the motel late, but not too late because I'm not too tired to notice the car parked in front of room four. I stare at it for a second, and then notice the light coming from the room window.
I don't know why but I approached it, because I told myself I would stay away. But maybe it was my imagination again because I could only hear;
"What are you waiting for?" coming from behind it, dragging me towards trouble.
The bold four is hanging in front of my eyes, and just before I can turn around, because of how stupid this idea is, the heavy door swings open.
He's tall in front of me, the glowing lamp from inside dims around him. The wave of familiar vanilla shampoo samples comes off of him, and I notice his curls are damp from the shower. His tattooed torso is bare, and he's only in loose black boxers.
He sends me a smirk as his unlit cigarette dangles from his lips, his eyes darker in this dim lighting.
He takes one look and says "Back for more?"
***