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O N E M O N T H L A T E R - O C T O B E R 2 0 1 9
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"Before we do this... are you sure about it, my daisy?" Nick questions. "We can tell your dad that now isn't the right time and can put it off."
"They have to meet at some point, Nick. Better now than in two months at our wedding, right?" I retort.
"True, true, but still, if you're not ready for this, we can postpone it," Nick says. "Meeting the in-laws—"
"It's not about our parents' meeting, and you know it," I interrupt.
He sighs. "I know, I'm trying to lighten the mood, my daisy."
"I'm sorry, I'm just nervous."
"It'll be fine," Nick responds.
I sigh and rub my thumb over his fingers. He's still gripping the gear stick, so his knuckles are more pronounced than usual. His skin is soft, and I know it's because he sneaks my hand cream from the bathroom when I'm not looking.
"Thing is, they have to meet at some point, and it's better to do it now than at the wedding. Plus, Dad's been looking forward to this for weeks," I say.
He moves his hand, so our fingers interlink like handcuffs without the key. I look into those amber eyes and my heart launches into space at record speed.
We've known each other for ten months now; it's been ten months since Joel had his first seizure.
In terms of time, it's but a needle in a haystack. But the past ten months have felt like a lifetime. While most people would look at us and think everything is too quick, it's right for us.
I knew the moment Nick and I kissed for the first time that I loved him. I just needed to understand what it meant. The clouds needed to clear for me to get what being in love was. I've always been in love with him. Ten months when you've been through what Nick and I have is a long time.
We've been together seven months now, yet it feels like so much longer because of everything that's happened. When you know, you know.
"Okay, then let's do this," Nick says. He unlocks our hands, and we get out of the car.
I watch as my dad gets out of his. I see the nerves before he even approaches: the way he nervously chuckles, his hands fit in his jacket pockets, and he doesn't quite keep up the eye contact.
"Aspen! Nick! You guys okay?" Dad greets, hugging us both.
"You look well, Dad," I say.
"Graham, are you sure about this?" Nick asks him as we stand by the front door.
"I think it'll be hard, I'm nervous. But I want to do this as well," Dad answers. I give him a small smile.
"You'll love him," I say. "We just have to remember that he's not... he isn't your grandchild in this situation." My dad nods in response before we ring the doorbell.
"Pen! Ick! Ick! Pen!"
The moment Gabriel pounds through the door and straight into Nick's arms, my dad stands from the armchair. I watch him closely, his eyes glistening with tears behind his glasses.
"Pen! Daisy!"
I watch Nick unleash the tickle monster on him, the tiny giggle lighting up the room as my dad approaches.
"Gabriel, there's someone here to meet you, do you want to say hi?" Nick asks.
"Yeah!" Gabriel agrees. His little voice suggests he doesn't quite know the word for 'no', so he's just agreeing anyway.
"This is Graham. Say hi!" Nick says.
I see the tiny flicker of hurt in my dad's eyes when Nick doesn't introduce him as grandpa, but I know he knows why.
"Hi... ham!" Gabriel greets.
Dad laughs and sniffs away the tears before waving awkwardly. "Hi, Gabriel!" He holds out his hand, and Gabriel launches himself into my dad's hold. The first thing he does is start grabbing his glasses.
"He likes you then!" Hannah notes as she walks in with the tea or everyone.
"Gabriel, why don't you go get your cars and show them to Graham?" Nick suggests. Dad puts him on the floor, and he toddles off to wherever his cars are.
"You okay, Graham?" Hannah asks. Neil claps my dad's shoulder, and I notice how the three of them seem to get on like a house on fire. It seems that without my mum involved, he, well, blossoms.
"It's just a little... emotional. I'll be fine once I've seen these cars, I think," Dad says with a small chuckle. Everyone starts laughing at his reaction.
"We can leave at any time, Dad," I say.
"I'm okay, I promise," he whispers before squeezing my hand.
Gabriel bursts into the room, bringing the sunshine with him as he does. The mood is lighter, brighter, and he grabs my dad's hand straight away.
"Cars! Cars, Ham!" Gabriel exclaims. He shows my dad the floor and instructs him to sit.
When a door closes and locks, there's a single click. The moment my dad looks into Gabriel's eyes is like that for him: the moment clicks like that lock. He beams at the toddler, and the two of them grin at each other like some deep connection has been established. Maybe Gabriel senses it, even though he's two. They say children are smarter than people expect them to be.
The moment he brings out his biggest, brightest car and hands it to my dad to run up his leg, that connection shines like a rainbow.
"Look at that," Neil exclaims.
"Kids have a sixth sense, I swear," Hannah whispers. "Your father is a gentle soul, Aspen."
"He is now he's allowed to... blossom on his own," I say and nudge Nick in the arm. He chuckles and links our fingers together.
"These two will be friends for life. Watch them!" Hannah says. I must admit, I can see it as I watch Gabriel sharing his cars and my dad running them up and down for him. The laughter that erupts from them is enough to ensure that everything might just be okay in this weird situation.
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"He's down for his nap," Hannah says. She puts the baby monitor on the table.
"You okay, dad?" I ask.
He sips his tea before nodding. "It was emotional, but he's a remarkable boy."
"He took a shine to you," Hannah notes. "For someone so nervous, you did incredibly well."
My dad laughs and nods. "Thank you. I think the car game broke the ice; you know?"
"It gets easier," I say, and when he looks at me, I know I don't need to add the context. He knows what I mean.
"I guess that leaves one question," Dad says. "What do we do from here? These two are getting married. I guess I'm just... I want to be in his life. He's an amazing child. But I know I can't be what I... am."
I grip Nick's hand beneath the table. His fingers grip mine back, so I'm grounded in the here and now.
I remember the last time I held Gabriel in the hospital, when the only thing on my mind was how I was trying to convince myself I was doing it for him. I've always known giving him up was right for him, for me and Joel in different ways. I didn't even think about the repercussions of entering his life again. The day I gave him up, I didn't think about him coming back, and I certainly didn't think I would be in this position. It was as foreign as mars; it was as outlandish as speaking Japanese to someone with no knowledge of the language and expecting them to understand.
The look on my dad's face now shows me that I didn't think this far ahead when I fell down the rabbit hole with Nick after he told me about Gabriel.
I was selfish when I gave him up, and I was selfish when I opened the door again by being with Nick.
"Well, for now, Aspen is his aunt or will be when they get married. I think until he is old enough and mature enough to be told about his adoption then, that's the way it will stay. I couldn't say when that will be, Graham." Hannah looks at my dad with a small smile.
Dad wants to be Gabriel's grandad, that much is obvious. The way he gives a small frown, the way he played with Gabriel... it all points to the pure hope in himself that he can be the grandfather he wants to be.
"Dad... I... this does get easier. In a way... it took me to hear him call Hannah mummy to have it click. It's fine to admit that it hurts. I did," I whisper. "It'll take time."
I want to tell him that Nick and I want to try for a baby, and maybe when that happens, it'll be easier. But it's not a fix, a new baby doesn't replace Gabriel. Biologically he will always be tied to us, and no new child will replace that tie.
I know what Nick would say if he could hear my thoughts swishing around like the washing machine that's on softly in the background. Spinning, confusing, cleaning.
This isn't my fault. But it is my fault.
I wish in a way that Joel was here. He'd tell me that it's okay, he would tell me how proud he is of his son. Our son. But he'd also know that Gabriel isn't ours.
Now I've accepted Joel's death, I can see how good it is that he didn't know in the end, he would never have had the chance to meet Gabriel, which would've been more devastating in the circumstances.
I know that if Mum were here, she'd be preaching some bible quote to me right now. If this was before Nick flipped my life upside down, I could quote the exact phrase she would use, but now? Now, I couldn't even begin to think about it.
When I call Nick my knight in blue scrubs or my angel, it is purely literal – I wonder if he even knows the deep extent to which he's helped to change my very being and entity.
I don't even recognise myself half of the time since he walked into the relative's room that day. He came in, preached what I needed to hear and then stayed. His words make me realise I needed to break free from a life of blame, guilt and sin. His mere existence and our connection helped me to break free from that cage Joel had helped to loosen. He helped me save myself from drowning in the sea of despair and a whirlpool of torture. The man with the glowing halo of curls did more than any angel could do, he performed a miracle, and he probably doesn't even realise how deep his miracle went.
Although knowing him, he probably does know it and relishes in the knowledge.
He'd then tell me it's all on me because I am the one that needed to blossom or something.
Or he'd just grin and kiss me instead.
My dad finishes his drink and pulls me back to reality.
"I know that Aspen. I'm just... seeing him... I see you. I see Joel. It's just a shock," Dad says quietly. "This is going to sound selfish, but for a while, I think no adoption paper could change the fact that he looks like you, and that biologically speaking he is yours."
"I fully understand, and this is an exceptional circumstance," Hannah says. "This is why this is good before the wedding."
"I think... I think I need to go home and digest this, is that all right?" Dad asks. He looks at Nick, not me when he says it.
He thinks I'm disappointed.
"Dad... I..." My voice falters and the tears fog up my brain as well as my throat.
"I don't blame you, Aspen. I just need to take this all in," he says before walking out.
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