As I ascend the steps leading the secret entrance to my room, I have to pause halfway to catch my breath. I compose myself when I get to the top, brushing my hair off my face, and pulling the hood of my cloak down, not having to worry about being seen anymore. Once I am presentable I push the door open, and almost let out a screech of surprise when I see someone, who isn't Cindy sitting in my room. I stop myself at the last minute, knowing it will cause the guards from outside the room to rush in, and I don't need them to do that.
Robert turns his head to me, his expression not surprised. I swallow, my eyes not leaving his face. What must he be thinking? Is he angry? I wait for him to chastise me for leaving my room, and demand to know where I have been. I wait for him to tell me he's going to tell my mother, which I hope he hasn't already. How long has been sitting here?
"I was told by the guards outside that you were sleeping," he says his voice calm, and not giving away his inner thoughts.
"I.. Uh," I begin, trying to form a sentence which will make sense as well as giving him an appropriate excuse. Robert raises his hand, silencing me.
"I was notified by a guard that someone is asking for you at the gates," he says, ignoring me not being here completely. Relief flows over me, almost certain that the person asking for me is Victoria.
"If you could let them know that I will be down as soon as possible, that'll be much appreciated," I say, hoping that Cindy will arrive soon so I can get dressed and not keep Victoria waiting. I fear she'll give up easily if she doesn't think I'm going to give her my time. Robert stands, letting me know he will do so, before he makes his way to the door. My curiosity winning out, wondering why he's not addressing the situation, I ask him just that.
"Aren't you going to inquire over my absence and why I lied?"
"Should I?" he asks, turning back to look at me. "You're safe, aren't you? You've got a good head on your shoulders, you wouldn't get yourself into any unneeded trouble. It's not like you could have got far. I will tell the guards outside that when you exit to accompany you down to the entrance," he says, an amused smile on his face. He turns again, leaving the room and me standing here utterly confused. Does he know? Yes, in his eyes I could have only been wondering the castle without telling the guards, but surely my clothes say otherwise. Something tells me that he does indeed know about my capers in the kingdom, so why is he not telling me how dangerous it is? My mind whirls with what just happened, and my heart is only just returning to the rhythm it was before I started running.
Behind the partition, I take off my cloak and dress, this time both relatively clean, leaving myself in the slip. I ruffle my hair as I look over myself in the mirror which is still pushed to the side to allow access to the secret door. My eyes fall on each of the notable differences between myself and the girls in the kingdom. I'm plumper in some places, making me look healthy in comparison to the wiry frame of the girls in the kingdom who are underfed and struggling to survive. Even the prostitutes in the public house looked to be all bone, and it shows the real reason for them doing what they do. They too, like everyone else in the kingdom, are trying to survive and it is the only way they can see that will give them the money to make it possible. I twist on the spot, looking at myself from all angles. I run my hands over my body, so I can see my figure under the slip. My hands go over my hips, which my mother calls 'good child-bearing hips', and then up over my slightly protruding stomach. I've never looked in the mirror and not liked what I saw. Maybe it's as a result of growing up in an environment where I'm not particularly criticised over my appearance: if I am it's usually because my makeup or hair isn't done correctly, or my dress doesn't look good. My mother will also sometimes comment on my appearance, if I look like I haven't been eating. Plump is good - it means you're healthy. My cheekbones and jaw are defined, but my face looks full and healthy, my lips pouting. My eyes aren't sunken into my face, and the surrounding skin isn't nearly as dark as Victoria's.
I hear and see in the mirror, Cindy entering the room behind me, causing me to stop my evaluation of my body, and I feel grateful that I no longer have to wallow in it. This is the first time that I looked in the mirror and regretted the way I look: it's not because I wish to look different, not liking the way I look now, it's due to the big differences between me and some of the women in the kingdom, and how it makes me feel guilty... yet again. I roll my eyes at myself. Why all of a sudden am I allowing the guilt to swallow me up, and focusing on it so much? I'm annoyed at myself. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to feel guilty. I shouldn't be put in a position where I feel guilty for living my life normally, as others aren't. It shouldn't be like that. I should feel glad that the people of my kingdom are living happily and healthily, but they're not.
"Ma'am," Cindy greets. "How was your trip into the kingdom?" she asks.
"Alright," I respond, distracted by the thoughts running through my head. Days like this, I wish I didn't have such a powerful position. I know that there are things that I can do, and worries that don't weigh upon other people, I have to think about and weigh upon me heavier than they could for anyone else. Over the past days I have thought of the same things over and over, but haven't done anything about it because I don't know how. I feel bad that I haven't acted. I complain on the unfairness of it all, but when it comes down to it, I don't do anything. I know the things I have to do to put forward the idea, but I don't know what the idea that will change the living conditions of the kingdom is. Even if I am able to think of the idea, I will then have to put it to the advisors, and that's going to be almost impossible. None of them, apart from Robert, will think along the same lines as me, feeling the guilt and unfairness of it. The idea would probably mean that the advisors, noblemen, and even I would lose some of their novelties and luxuries that we have now. It goes back to the problem of putting family second. I would happily give up some things if it means that my people are living comfortable healthy lives. I know for a fact that they are too stubborn to agree to giving up those things, and don't care for the kingdom as I do. All they care about will be how it affects them. They're also meant to be part of the team telling the monarchy of the problems in the kingdom, and if I tell them that I think that they haven't been truthful with us, or even halting efforts to help the kingdom for their own gain, then it will cause more trouble than good.
I almost regret leaving the castle and the buffered protection of the harsh truths. I saw and heard the horrors of the kingdom at the audiences, but never fully experienced it and understood the extent. Ignorance is bliss, but I hope from learning about the problems more, and not just thinking about them in audiences, that when I do become queen I can change things, making it better for the people I am ruling. I'm not saying my mother and father have done a bad job - they just haven't fully understood the problems, and maybe not even thought that these things needed changing. Or it may even be that they have tried and failed in the past. Money and tax information come from the advisors, and usually the taxes go toward the royal family and the people of high status. Maybe that's where the problem is.
I start to feel sick, and I know that I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about it until I actually do something about it. Maybe once I know that something is being done, I won't be so obsessed with the divide, and the image of the kingdom in daylight will become less shocking. I wish I could flick a switch and it all disappear. I was always told growing up that I was too sensitive, wearing my heart on my sleeve, to become queen as can be seen by me getting upset over the unfairness of it with only a couple of trips and people making me feel this way. Most of the people were happy, but I have always focused on the worst of situations, and looked too deeply into things. I was conditioned to let my head rule my body and decisions, not my heart, and even though we have to show consideration, sympathy and sentiment sometimes, there is a line you can't step over. Over the last couple of days I've jumped over the line, allowing my emotions to rule me, and along with the ignorance, I want to step back over the line and rebuild the wall that was once there, but I doubt that is going to happen. I've let it fester in my mind for too long. I'm usually able to be direct, and know what I want, acting on it, but with the news of my mother leaving me, and the upcoming responsibilities, it's all to much, and I'm starting to doubt myself. Can I really do this?
"Ma'am, you feeling alright?" Cindy asks, causing me to blink and look in her direction where she's holding out a dress for me to step into. I shake my head free of the thoughts, deciding that after I deal with Victoria, I will go to my mother in hope she will agree to let me put my thoughts to the advisors. I just have to do it without annoying anyone, and letting them know that I went into the kingdom and that's why I want to do something. Sounds easy!
♛♛♛
After I am dressed, and presentable, I am escorted through the castle by the guards who were posted outside my room. We walk down staircases until we get to the entrance, and as we walk I hope that we weren't too long, and Victoria is waiting for me. We descend the stone steps to the grand entrance hall, and I see Victoria is standing there holding little Audrey, being watched closely by the guards standing either side of the big doors.
Letting go of my skirts at the bottom, I walk slowly towards her, not wanting for her to recognise me. It seems like I am living a double life over the past couple of days. I should have known what it would entail before leaving the castle walls, but it's a lot more work than I thought would be needed. I thought that all I would do was go in, unrecognised, and come out the other side the same. Instead of looking to Victoria, I turn to the guard as I would normally do if I didn't know the person who was asking for me, and the reasoning.
"She has been told to come to the castle and ask for you, ma'am." I pretend to look Victoria and her baby over, before looking to the guard again. While I am pretending to evaluate Victoria, she returns the searching gaze with a mixture of fear and curiosity.
"Why?" I ask.
"I'm not quite sure ma'am, she said that someone in the street gave her some money and told her to come to castle, to get help." I turn to Victoria, trying to look as kind and as welcoming as I can, while I continue with what I think I would be doing if I weren't to know her.
"Is that true?"
"Yes, your majesty," she says bowing her head, and going down into a curtsey.
"Why are you seeking my help?" Her eyes narrow, and I start to wonder if she's beginning to recognise me under my makeup and dress. Is it my voice? She looks unsure, glancing to the guards around her, and then to me.
"She said that you could help me. I'm living on the streets you see..." she states, trailing off when she doesn't want to explain anything further to me.
"Ah," I let out, nodding, as if it makes sense now. "Thank you, I will be taking her from here," I aim to the guards standing either side of her. I stand back, extending my arm to signal to Victoria to come with me and walk past me. Victoria stays still for a moment, clutching Audrey to her chest. Her eyes are wide in fright.
"It's alright, I'm going to help you." She hesitantly takes a step forward, and once she is by my side, I turn to the guards at my sides.
"Would one of you kindly go and notify the maids that we need one of the spare rooms to be turned down, and cleaned for..." I turn to Victoria, hoping for her to give me her name so I can give up the pretence of not knowing.
"Victoria," she mumbles. I turn back to the guards and finish my statement.
"...Victoria? A crib also needs to be in that room." The guards look at each other, and one of them turns on his heels, going up the stairs doing as I asked.
We watch him go for a second, and once his footsteps have quietened I turn to look at Victoria. I begin forward, turning only a moment later to look back at an unmoving Victoria. Her face is surprised, her mouth opening and closing. I raise my eyebrows at her, silently asking her what she's thinking.
"You... You're not turning me away."
"No. Why would I? You need my help," I say, my face serious.
"Well... I- You..." she says staring from me to Audrey in her arms. I walk back to her, and place a gentle hand on her arm.
"Are you rejecting my help?" I ask, not offended if she was, just curious. I can't force her to take it, but only offer. I try and convey that with my eyes, but the shock that suddenly appears on her face tells me that she didn't pick up on it.
"No, ma'am, I just can't understand why you would." I let a sad smile touch my lips.
"Well, if you're going to accept, I will help settle you in your rooms once they're ready. Until that time you can accompany me to mine, and I will, if you are inclined to tell me, find out more about you and your situation, so I know exactly how to help you."
Her mouth falls open slightly, and when I turn and walk away this time, she follows. I slow, allowing her to catch up, and I turn to the guard who is walking behind us.
"You can leave us now, I will only be returning to my rooms." He looks dubious.
"Ma'am are you sure this is a good..."
"Farewell," I say, staring him down. His eyes linger on me for a moment more before he strides around us and up the stairs. "Shall we?"
We both ascend the stairs and begin to slowly walk through the hallways. I look over to Victoria as we do, and see that she's looking around us in awe. Her eyes dart around us, and her mouth stays in the slightly open position all the while.
"She's very good," I say, looking down to Audrey in her arms. Her eyes fly to me, and I realise that I have made a mistake by mentioning her gender. Hopefully she will think that I have made a guess.
"Yeah, she is."
"What's her name?" I ask, returning my eyes to our route, not wanting her to see the lack of knowledge arriving in my brain.
"Audrey," she says, and when I look back to her once the moment has passed, I see that she is watching me with interest. I clear my throat, trying to get her attention from focusing on me too much.
"That's a pretty name. The father?" I ask. I'm aware that I have touched on a sensitive subject when she falters in her step, but she doesn't fall behind. I look down at my feet. "I'm sorry. That may have been out of place for me to ask."
She stays silent, and as we walk it becomes deafening. I feel like a fool. She barely trusts me, and now I've made it worse. She won't want to talk to me about it if she thinks I'm going to be asking uncomfortable questions.
"...is dead," she mumbles so quietly that I have to strain to hear her words.
"Oh," I say, not expecting that but at the same time not quite knowing what I was actually expecting. I stop in my tracks, bringing a hand up to my chest, knowing all to well the feelings of losing someone. "My condolences." Victoria's eyes begin to dart around us again, and I see that she's pushing back emotions that are threatening to wash over her. I place a gentle hand on her back, indicating her to walk with me the rest of the way to my chambers. Once we have arrived at the door, the unmanned door, I push it open, allowing her through first. I cease in my following of her, wondering why the guard I dismissed second has not returned yet. He went before us. I brush it off, entering my room to find Victoria standing in the middle of the room, looking unsure. She doesn't move from her spot as she looks around. I do so too, trying to see it from her eyes, to gauge what she is thinking.
My room is actually made up of two, but I rarely use the second - a small sitting room, as I don't see the need. On occasion I will make my way down the steps separating the two and to the fireplace there to sit by it and warm my cold body. The chairs and settee are rigid, the upholstery trying to ease that to some degree, with no success. They are untouched and that is evident by the way that they look like they have just been placed there. The fireplace is the most used thing in that 'room', but is clean, with no evidence of the wood that is burned there in the winters - the maids see to that.
Then there is the main room. My bed is the main attraction, with the ornately carved four posts holding up a canopy of cloth. I've had it ever since I was old enough to sleep in a proper bed, so the carvings on the headboard and the posts are maybe beneath me now, but I still love them. I used to sit on the bed, clad in silk covers, and examine the exotic looking birds, fairies, and flowers. I would give each one a name, and once they were all named (there were a lot and undoubtedly I would forget most of them so they would end up being rechristened more than once) I would make up stories with my father, if he was free, about them, making them go on adventures. If it wasn't my father is was my nanny, but it wasn't quite the same. She wouldn't do voices, and her imagination wasn't as nearly as vast as my father's. Suppressing a sad smile I continue on, looking at my vanity table holding the lotions and potions which make me look the way I do now. I move past the wardrobe holding my dresses, which is similarly carved to my bed, and to the simple partition where I get changed every morning. On the other side of the room is the mirror and my escape into the kingdom. Next to it is a writing table, where in the past I have written letters, signed off on papers, and written in my diary.
In Victoria's eyes this, and the whole castle, will be the grandest thing she's ever seen. It will also be a nice change to the hard cobbled floor of the kingdom.
"Make yourself comfortable," I tell her, motioning for her to sit down. She looks around once more before going for one of the seats down in the sitting room. She settles in one of the chairs, and I go to the other, sitting gracefully. Her eyes go down to Audrey, as she rocks her side to side. It looks like it gives her comfort. There's a small gurgle from Audrey, and Victoria fondles her face with one of her fingers.
"Can I get you anything? When's the last time you ate?" I ask, hoping for to say that she bought something in the kingdom.
"I bought some lunch with the money I received," she says, and I let out a sigh of relief. The room falls silent again, and I search for something to say.
"Do your parents know that you're here?" I ask, wondering whether she's had any contact with them since they put her on the street.
"No, ma'am."
"When was the last time you talked to them?" I ask. Before my father died, and my mother fell ill, I couldn't imagine my life without talking to them ever again, and then my father died and the fear became all too real. Living in a world without a parent figure must be hard, and I'm not looking forward to losing my mother as well. Every time I walk through the castle I'm going to be reminded of my parents.
I see her body shrink back into the chair at the memory and I quickly change the subject.
"How old is she?" I say looking to Audrey.
"I don't know," she admits. "I lost count of the nights." The room falls silent again, and I determine that I have asked her enough questions today, so I ask her one more - if there is anything I can get for her - and when she says no, I go up into the bedroom and get my diary, sitting at the writing table. I begin to write down my thoughts and ideas of the kingdom. I write how I want to help, and that I am going to and not just say it. The sound of the door being thrown open has me standing up and turning to the intruder. The bushy, angry face of Reginald greets me.
"Reginald," I greet, my voice calm. "You cannot simply barge into my chambers unannounced."
"I can-" he starts in a reply, his voice holding the anger showing on his face.
"No. You can't," I say, my voice gaining a steely edge to it. "If you would like to talk to me, you can go through the proper, polite, channels, and check with my guards before pushing your way in."
"They weren't-" he begins again, a smug smile coming to his lips. I don't know where the second guard is, but he should have returned to his post by now.
"Then you knock. I thought you, of all people, would know the rules of the castle," I tell him, my voice still holding the hard edge, using his pride of knowing everything against him. His smug smile drops from his lips, and I replace it with my own.
"Now, I will not talk to you unless you leave and return in the proper manner," I tell him, not giving him the curtesy of looking at him any more. I return to my seat, picking up my quill. I hear him draw in a breath, probably to tell me something along the lines of being an adult and not needing me to reprimand him. I, however, keep my back to him and act like he's not there, weathering it out. He lets out the breath he just pulled in, and grumbles something under his breath, doing as I asked.
I glance up to Victoria to see the fright from earlier has returned and she is now shaking as she rocks Audrey side to side.
"Don't worry about him," I tell her, causing her eyes to fly to me. I give her a reassuring look. I hear the knock on the door, expecting the volume and bravado behind the knock. I see Victoria flinch where she is sitting, and Audrey begins to cry. An anger bubbles up inside of me, as I wait it out, thinking that he deserves to be asked to wait for once in his life.
The pounding stops before starting up again. He knows I'm doing it on purpose, and he's getting angrier as a result. I should really stay on his good side, I think getting up and going to the door. I pull it open.
"Yes?" I ask, my face serious. Audrey's cries fill the room and I can just hear Victoria over them cooing, trying to calm her down. Reginald's brown eyes roar into a fire.
"Princess," he says, his voice gaining a mocking lilt to it as he bows.
"Reginald" I greet, as if our earlier interaction hadn't happened. "Just the man I wanted to see. How kind of you to come and get me so we can walk down to the other advisors together." I step forward, challenging him to stay put and to obstruct me. He concedes, moving back and out of my way. I step out into the hallway, and as I do, he looks back over my shoulder into the my rooms and to Victoria who is now walking around the room with Audrey trying to calm her down. I close the door, breaking his gaze, and motion for him to start walking.
My intentions weren't to go down to the other advisors, however, I do think by suggesting it, Reginald should know that I don't intend to talk to him alone. Hopefully, Robert can help me too. My main reasoning for suggesting our exit, is to allow Victoria time to calm Audrey down without any loud, angry men in the same room. I also hope it helps her, by putting some of her fears at rest.
I clasp my hands together in front of me, as I look to Reginald, waiting for him to start his heated rant at me. Whatever it is he first barged into my room for, I know now he'll be angry from my games with him.
"I received word of you allowing strangers into the castle," he says, storming forward. I was trying to keep up with him before he opened his mouth, now I stand still. He turns, wondering where I've gone. He should be walking on my pace and I'm not going to allow him to set the precedent of our speed. I stay where I am, waiting for him to come to me.
"Oh, good!" I say, sarcasm lacing my tone. We stand feet apart, neither of us moving. I see his anger boiling up inside him, and the indecision on his face. He's probably wondering whether it's worth telling me his real opinion, or holding his tongue as to not offend the princess. Eventually his want to tell me what he thinks wins out. I twist Faron's bracelet around my wrist, expecting a confrontation.
"You cannot just allow anyone into the castle!" he says, outrage and force backing his words.
"And why not?" I ask, rising the force behind the words only slightly, not wanting to match his tone.
"Because it is dangerous, and needs to be run by the proper people first." I almost laugh at how ludicrous his claims are. I was hardly going to let Victoria in if I thought she was dangerous, I'm not stupid. At the same time, I am not going to allow her to sleep on the streets one more night, She already looks like she could barely kill a fly, and I am afraid what would happen to her and Audrey if they stayed out there. Anger from him barging in earlier, and not being sensitive to Victoria and Audrey rises again, this time spilling out of me in the form of words.
"The proper channels would be you, am I correct?" When Reginald looks ready to argue the point, I raise a hand giving him a fiery look to tell him I'm not finished, my voice raising with the ire. "I am the Princess, and that means, however much you don't like it, that I will be making the decisions, and you will do as I ask. Not the other way around. I am going to be queen, as you seem to so desperately want me to be, replacing my mother, and that means you'll have to get used to it. One of the first things I will be doing, and which will be started while I am still princess, will be to look at the kingdom, and what we can do to help them. We are not going discuss it, or say we're doing something about it but not implement it. It's going to happen. Got it?" I snap at him, feeling all my emotions over the past days releasing. I relax knowing that I have now said it out loud, and he knows I'm not messing around. Being able to fully relax won't be able to happen until I know it's being acted upon.
"Shall we?" I ask, my breathing heavy from the anger behind my words, and the resulting adrenaline of what I just did. I ignore the furious look on Reginald's face as I walk past him and down the corridor. I hear Reginald's steps start up as he follows me, but I keep at a pace which doesn't allow him to take over without running. I ignore the grumbling coming from behind me, and I as I turn the corner, I find the guard who I dismissed second walking towards me. When he sees me his head bows. It doesn't take me long to work out what caused him to be late returning.
"Excuse me. I'll meet you there," I say turning to Reginald before stepping into the guard's path.
I don't know where the confidence has come from all of a sudden, but I feel ready to take on the world. Maybe it's the fact that the revelation that me taking over from my mother isn't as far away as I thought, and instead of wallowing in the grief, I've decided recently, very recently, to look at the good aspects. One of those is that I will be in a position of power, and can have more control. It was only earlier, while writing in my diary, that I saw that some of the things coming from it are not so bad.
"Where were you?" I ask the guard, already knowing the answer. It wasn't a coincidence that Reginald turned up when the guard was late returning. The guard watches Reginald pass, both exchanging a look. I look between them, trying to decipher what is flying between them. I can pick up on their emotions as no matter how hard each of them try and keep them secret from me, they surround us, almost stiflingly. A tension is present, and Reginald's anger and menace emanates from him, but under all of that I can see that he's trying to hide his fright. The guard looks unsure, and fright is mixed in with that as well.
I wait until Reginald has left, watching his back grow smaller, having a feeling that I won't get the best and truthful result from the guard until I do.
Happy that we are alone, I turn to the guard.
"Well?" I ask, anger peeking through at what I have an inkling his answer will be. He bows his head, but doesn't answer me. I have to hold back a scoff, thinking that if he did what I thought he has, then he didn't care about my place in the castle. Why go along with the formalities of me being princess now? We're silent for a moment, which is a wrong choice by him, as he's allowing my anger to stew. "Did you, or did you not, go and tell Reginald of my decision to allow the girl into the castle?"
He continues his silence, and for a moment I wonder whether he will answer me. "Yes," he eventually mumbles. "I did."
I take a deep breath, letting the breath out in a sigh, wanting to calm down. I've done enough shouting in a place where we could be witnessed today.
"Why?" I ask, my thoughts being confirmed.
"Reginald told us to come to him if there was anything of interest that you did," he explains, before adding on the polite title of "ma'am" quickly, as if that would make it better.
I don't know whether to be angry at him or Reginald. In the guard's eyes he was only following orders, but his allegiance should be to me, no matter what. It makes me doubt whether he's good guard material, after all if Reginald was working for the other side, which he kind of is, it could have far worse repercussions than him just being angry at me.
Reginald should also know better. I feel hurt that he needs to have people check up on me, as if I was going to do something foolish. I blush - he's right without knowing it. What would he think if he were to find out that I was going into the kingdom? I'm glad now that I didn't tell a guard about my trips, if they're all on his side.
I berate the guard, giving him a version of the rant I gave to Reginald only moments earlier. I tell him that he is excused for the day, and that I will be talking to my mother over his place in the courts.
"I'm sorry, your majesty, I shouldn't have..."
"No, you shouldn't," I say, before nodding at him and continuing on the way to the advisors offices. I'm afraid to leave Reginald alone with them for too long, in fear that he will get them on his side before I have even talked to them. I hear the guard continuing on his path, and I stop, turning on the spot.
"Hang on," I call after him. "If Reginald talks to you again, let me know." I hope that by doing so, I'll be aware of his attempts of going behind my back. I'll also have someone on my side. I never thought that I would have to try and persuade people in my home, and under my rule, to listen to me and be on my side. I never thought that I would have someone go behind my back. I thought everyone in the castle was loyal. I guess I was proven otherwise.
I missed this chapter when I was first posting this book.