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Who knows me better than my baby?
Who could ever love me like he does?
Oh, I can't even imagine it
This one is mine, forever and always
Don't you worry, sugar
I'll be yours too, forever and always
~ Alisha E.
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God strikes again. Or was that the universe? Life? Lucifer himself? Ruelle couldn't quite answer that question. As she prayed that the news she just heard wasn't true, she wondered who or what exactly she was begging for mercy.
Perhaps if she knew, she could pray directly to them and ask them to change her fate. Because Ruelle was a strong woman, but there was only so much she could take.
So, hoping her ears deceived her, Ruelle mumbled, "I'm sorry, can you please repeat that?"
The older woman before her smiled kindly. "Don't panic, sweetheart. I didn't say it's impossible. I'm just saying that with your heart condition and the usual setbacks of age, a pregnancy would be very hard on your body. Now, your eggs are still healthy and plenty. It's just your body I am worried about. Late pregnancies also come with risks for the child. I wasn't worried before, and I'm not right now, but if you do want a child, sooner would be better than later."
Ruelle already knew it would be harder for her to conceive at her age. She knew a late pregnancy came with some risks. Yet, she had never accounted for her barely-there heart condition.
She'd joked that she had a frail heart, and while that was true, she was as healthy as can be. It wasn't a concern.
Only, she now learned that it was.
She finished up with her doctor on autopilot, and she unconsciously decided to drive to Zachari's place instead.
As she used her key to open his door, she wondered if she should tell him. He already had trauma attached to high-risk pregnancies. What would he think of her?
They hadn't really talked about kids. She had told him she wasn't ready, and truth be told, she still wasn't. It seemed life wanted to force her hands, but would he be willing to have a child with her? Especially after knowing that she and the child would be at risk during the pregnancy?
Did she even really want a child?
Zachari wasn't home, so she took the time to wallow in her misery. As time passed, she grew angrier.
Ruelle had never been one to give in to rage, but today, she couldn't help it. By the time Zachari got home, Ruelle was angry, and she couldn't even remember why.
He was surprised to see her, but he merely smiled and kissed her cheek. When she didn't move her eyes from the wall she was staring at, he concluded that something was wrong.
"Rue. What's wrong?"
When she snapped her head towards him, he saw the brew of emotions in her eyes. "Oh, pretty girl. Tell me what's wrong."
His gentle words made her cry, and that made her madder. Why in the world was she crying?
"I think life hates me. Or maybe you? I mean, we're both getting punished, so probably both of us."
Zachari was confused by her preface, but he stayed quiet and let her vent.
"I took my merry ass to my semiannual check-up. I should've known something would've gone wrong when it started raining. S-she basically said I'd have a hard time having kids even though my eggs are healthy and well. Cause of my heart? And my age? So um I might as well be barren."
Zachari pulled her into his arms. He didn't know what to make of the news, but he knew she needed some comfort. "It's ok, Rue. It'll be ok," he soothed.
Ruelle pulled back, "Why are you always so calm? I just told you I probably can't give you kids. React! Or maybe you didn't want kids, so I'm the only one who's heartbroken. How comes I'm the only one who's angry, Zachari??"
Zachari gave her the space to rant, knowing she probably needed to let it out. He only interrupted when she started blaming herself, "Ruelle. Look at me."
She turned towards him, looking down at him as he sat on the ground in front of her. He sighed, "Yea I'm shocked. And when that wears off, I'll probably be sad about it because I did- I do want kids. With you. All she said was that you'd probably have a difficult pregnancy. You're not barren, Ruelle. If you want to take that risk, we'll figure it out. If you want to try today or in another year, we'll figure that out too. That's what I meant when I said it'll be ok. We'll handle this together. I'll be right by your side."
Ruelle sobbed and he opened his arms. She unfolded from the couch and tumbled into the floor, fitting between his arms.
"You can cry, sweet love. I'll be right here. Then we can talk about this some more. For now, I'll hold you and you can cry."
—
They had talked. Well, Zachari had. Ruelle had heard but she wasn't listening. A sickening voice in her mind kept reminding her that this was her fault. After all, her whole family had warned her about this for years.
Zachari eventually took them to bed and told her they'd talk about it when she was ready. Two weeks later, she was still alternating between anger and sadness.
So, as one of her Aunties asked the happy couple when they would be expecting a child, Ruelle fought hard not to explode. Instead, she sent a pleading look to her mother. She didn't catch the message.
Ruelle didn't respond so her Aunt asked again.
"Mind your damn-"
A grip on her thigh kept her from finishing. Zachari's hand loosened, caressing her thigh in hopes of calming her down.
Ruelle's mother opened to mouth to chastise her, but something in the couple's demeanor kept her from speaking. Instead, she brushed her sister off. "Leave those kids alone," she fussed.
Later, when everyone left, the woman turned to her daughter. "Ruelle, what's going on?"
Zachari watched sadly as she Ruelle curled into herself on the couch. He had no idea how to help her because logic wasn't working.
"I guess you and your sisters were right. I'll probably never have a kid."
Her mother ran to her, her hands fumbling to wrap around her. "Oh, my sweet child. What did the doctor say?"
As Ruelle filled her mother in, Zachari stood quietly by the doorway. He watched as the older woman comforted her daughter in ways he could not. This was a burden that a man couldn't quite understand. Having a child was not an expectation he carried like an invisible cloak.
Still, Ruelle eventually lashed out at her mother too. She was so angry at the unfairness of it all. It's not like she was dying to birth a child, but now that the option became so precarious, she felt robbed.
"Stop telling me it's ok. You spent my whole life telling me I wasn't a true woman unless I became a mother. To this day, people ask when I'm going to have a baby. It wasn't ok then but it's ok now? Why? By your standards, I'll never be a woman."
That was when Zachari realized the root of Ruelle's despair. She'd spent her whole life being taught that children were gifts — fertility was a blessing. Refusing to have a child was an act of selfishness. She was a woman — women have kids.
What was she if she couldn't birth a life? If she couldn't nurture and raise a human being?
Again, Zachari realized that she did not truly need his validation. He was a man — his opinions on womanhood didn't matter much to her.
Her mother had to be the one to help her.
Ruelle watched with vacant eyes as her mother took a seat beside her. She took a minute to gather her words, but when she spoke, she brought tears to Ruelle's eyes.
"I am sorry for that. I see now that that was a terrible expectation to put on you. However, I will say that a mother doesn't just mean carrying and birthing a child. Hell, a lot of people who push out babies don't deserve those kids. They don't have what it takes."
"Motherhood is about nurturing. It's about loving a child, protecting, and supporting them through thick and thin. From what you told me, you still have a chance of getting pregnant, but there's nothing wrong with choosing not to take that risk. You may find motherhood in the most unexpected places. I only want you to experience the joy and reverence that comes with watching a child grow. It is a beautiful thing to know that you had a hand in raising a kid. And there's always adoption! Point is, your life is yours do with as you please. You won't be less of a mother if you adopt. Or you can choose not to be a mother at all. All these options are completely okay and valid. Don't let me or anyone else pressure you into something you don't want."
Ruelle's mother had no idea if her daughter wanted a child. She had always been indecisive about the topic. Of course, she wanted a grandchild, but watching her daughter now, she knew that she would be happy as long as Ruelle was happy.
A pang of guilt stabbed her chest. She had unwittingly passed down the pressure she experienced as a young woman unto Ruelle. For that, she was truly apologetic.
Zachari watched as Ruelle calmed down a bit, her shoulders sagging in a tell-tale sign that most of her worries had been alleviated.
He had listened to the older woman's advice. Her words applied to him as well. You see, Zachari had realized that he would love to have children with Ruelle. With that came disappointment. How cruel for him to only grasp this secret dream right when the possibility seemed off the table?
Yet, fatherhood was the same as motherhood. His blood did not need to run through a child for him to love them. Zachari knew how easy it would be for him to raise a child that did not share his biological DNA. His heart was just that big.
Ruelle's mother had reaffirmed his previous thoughts. Everything would be okay because he and the woman that owned his heart would figure it out.
—
Ruelle felt as though she had been slightly dramatic, but she quickly brushed that thought off. So what if she had been? She had felt scared and disappointed, and she expressed those feelings however she saw fit.
Glancing at her shower mirror, Ruelle acknowledged the growth in mind frame. She credited Zachari for continuously encouraging her to own her feelings but even more so, she credited herself. Because Zachari's encouragement would be a waste if she hadn't chosen to listen.
At her semi-old age, she was still growing. She grinned as she realized she would never stop growing. How lovely was that? Every year, Ruelle got to become a better version of herself.
She wanted everyone to experience that. Growth was awe-inspiring, and everyone deserved a shot at it. With a start, Ruelle registered the seed in the back of her mind. She gasped as she felt the small kernel take root. Then she was smiling, her eyes soft as she indulged the growing plant in her mind.
Ruelle wanted to be a mother.
She wanted to watch her child grow like she was growing. She wanted them to evolve as she had — as she continues to. She had the means to support them, the emotional intelligence to care for them, and the mental fortitude to be strong when they could not.
Ruelle wanted to nurture as she had been nurtured.
Quietly, she cried in her bathroom. It had taken a while, but she finally knew what she wanted. Happily, she grasped the book that held her life story and turned the pages. This time, she would welcome the new chapter of her life with open arms.
For the first time since her childhood, Ruelle felt in control.
—
Zachari had taken over her house.
He had, by all definitions of the word, kicked her out of her own house.
In his defense, he had scheduled a girls day for her and her friends. Ruelle had faked anger for about 5 seconds before getting distracted by her girls. They'd spent the day getting catered to. Their awfully specific interest in her appearance wasn't missed by Ruelle.
What the hell was going on?
They dressed her in a metallic gold silk dress that hugged her curves and scooped around her chest to expose the tops of her breast. Her straightened hair had been curled and parted so that one side of her face was shielded by her silken strands.
She was dressed way too extravagant and the jewelry that her friends handed to her only confirmed her suspicions.
They dodged her questions though, so she was just left to speculate.
To her surprise, they simply drove her home and took off.
Well, that was disappointing.
She pouted as she stepped inside and called out Zachari's name. Her response was a loud ping on her phone. The big man had instructed her to join him on the roof.
She climbed up her steps slowly, wary of her long dress and her very tall heels. It would be very disappointing if she broke her neck before Zachari could strip her out of the gorgeous dress.
Ruelle was absently muttering to herself about being out of shape and her house possibly needing an elevator when she finally reached the roof level.
When she glanced up, her roof did not look like what she remembered.
The floor was filled with candles and a few of Ruelle's never-ending crystal collections. Lifting her gaze, she found Zachari smiling shyly at her, and she immediately stepped towards him.
He grabbed both of her hands, lifting each one to kiss her knuckles. "Hey. You look gorgeous," he mumbled, his dark eyes approvingly roaming her body.
She flushed under his ministrations, squirming as his lips tilted into a smirk. "I can always tell when you picked my clothes," Ruelle laughed softly.
The minute she saw the dress, she knew he had chosen it. She was not surprised when she saw how wonderfully sexy she looked in it either. Zachari had a thing for elegantly sensual clothing — classy but teasing.
He chuckled, but his demeanor said he was a bit nervous. A few seconds later, Ruelle found out why.
"I kinda did all this because there's something I'd like to ask you..."
Zachari trailed off as he stepped back and fell to one knee. He watched her eyes widen and swallowed the nerves inside him.
They had been in a relationship for eight months now. These months had felt like an entire lifetime to Zachari. In his heart and soul, he felt as though he had known Ruelle since he was born. Perhaps even before — in another life, another time.
So, as the words and proclamations tumbled out of his mouth, he felt calm. This was meant to be.
"I love you to the moon and back, Ruelle. I loved you so fast and so hard, sometimes, I wonder if you're real. But every time I pinch my arm and squeeze my eyes shut, you're still there. You have the kindest heart and the most beautiful spirit. It's such an honor to know you love me. I can no longer remember a time where you didn't love me. I can't remember what it feels like to not love you. Sweet love, you're it for me. You've found a home underneath my skin, within my heart. It's because you love me and I love you that I feel so at ease right now. Will you marry me, pretty girl?"
Ruelle was crying.
She shuffled around so she could preserve her makeup, but the tears kept coming. Slowly, she bent so she was at eye level with the love of her life.
"Yes, big man. A thousand times yes."
Zachari grinned as he slipped the ring on her finger, his hands cupping her face so he could place a gentle kiss on her lips.
"I love you so much, Rue."
"And I love you. When did you plan this?" Ruelle asked excitedly, adjusting so she sat sideways on his lap. Zachari wrapped a hand under her knees and lifted them off the floor.
Gently, he placed her on one of the couches he'd pushed the side while decorating the roof.
He stood before her, his eyes glinting with slight possession as he watched his fiancée. She sat on her knees, the golden dress latching onto her body in a way that had his thoughts turning dark.
"Zachari, stop looking at me like that if you aren't going to do anything about it," Ruelle protested.
"Who said I wasn't?"
Ruelle's eyes lifted from where she had been observing her gorgeous ring. Her spine straightened as she looked up at him, her eyes latching on to his tilted lips.
Zachari rubbed a thumb over her bottom lip, his mind spiraling as her lashes fluttered. She looked rather submissive in that position and he wanted to play.
"Undress me," he whispered, watching as her eyes flared.
Slowly, Ruelle lifted her hand. She started with his belt and deftly moved on to unbutton his shirt. The process took a while, and though Zachari had stopped touching her, she was breathing heavier than when she first started.
Zachari stood before her in all his naked glory.
She took his dick inside her mouth without protest, reveling in the taste of him. Her tongue swirled around the tip, and she preened when he hissed.
Ruelle knew to tighten her grip on the bottom half of length, and she knew to lift her eyes to meet his as she swallowed him down her throat. Zachari loved watching her mouth around him.
Vacantly, Ruelle worried she might sweat out her newly straightened hair, but she quickly tossed the thought aside. Her sole focus was on pleasing her man.
He gripped the nape of her neck as his hips thrust in and out of her. Her eyes watered, her grip on his thigh tightening, but she took all of him. Pride glimmered in his eyes as he pulled out her mouth, his lips crashing to hers.
"Good job, pretty girl," he mumbled against her lips, his hands caressing her sore jaw. Ruelle sighed as he kissed her face while his hands worked to slide the dress off her.
Zachari lifted Ruelle and placed her before the roof's railing. Her exposed flesh had her squirming as he bent her over the railing, but she jolted when he slapped her ass. He chuckled as he kneaded the flesh.
"I'm going to fuck your pretty pussy now. Would you like that, Rue?"
Her moan was enough of an answer for him.
Zachari pounded her with sweet slow strokes. His hands roamed her arched back, his lips kissing the dimples on her lower back as his hips ground against her.
Ruelle threw her hips back, urging him to speed up. He chuckled, straightening so his hands could firmly grip her hips. She writhed beneath him, her mouth opening in a silent scream as he slid inside her, not faster as she had quietly asked but harder.
"Shit, Zachari wait-"
Zachari slapped her hand away when she reached up to push him. "Rue, stop playing with me. Take this dick, love. This your dick, right?"
Ruelle sagged against the railing, her body all but giving up as he hit that one spot inside repeatedly. "Bubba please," she whimpered.
"Just a little more, baby."
By the time Zachari decided to speed up, Ruelle was sure she had died. The stars behind her lids did nothing to dissuade that theory.
Her orgasm shocked her, knocking the breath out of her as she screamed. Zachari kept going, chasing one more orgasm out of her as one hand rubbed her clit while his other hand pinched her nipple.
Ruelle's second orgasm triggered his own. Zachari struggled to hold both of them up as his eyes rolled to the back of his head.
When he came to, he turned Ruelle to face him, his arms immediately wrapping around her. "You're beautiful, Rue. I can't get enough of you."
Ruelle hummed, her eyes closed as she laid her head on his chest. Her legs felt wobbly, but her mind was at ease as he caressed her.
"I love you, big man. So much."
"Yea?"
"Yea. I can't wait to be your wife," she groggily murmured. She felt his kiss on her forehead, but she fell asleep by the time he said, "And I can't wait to be your husband."