_____________
In this story, you're the camel
Whose back struggles to hold life's haystacks
When I'm alone
I sit and wonder
What will be the final straw?
~ Alisha E.
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January 5th.
A year ago today, Ruelle was first introduced to Zachari. Back then, he was Mr. Rivera. Today, he is...
"Bubba!"
The man smiled as his face popped into the screen. She sounded so excited to see him. It made him happy.
"Hi, sweet love."
Since the new year, he had called her that 16 times. She had counted. All 16 times, her heart soared. They hadn't talked about the implications of that endearment, and to be honest, neither ever wanted to.
Zachari and Ruelle were developing naturally. Their relationship flowed like river water, bumpy at times, smooth at others, but always moving.
"I'm so happy this movie is almost over. I'm so tired, Z."
Ruelle was bone achingly tired. The early roll calls and late sets were catching up to her. They had been filming for nearly 6 months now. Luckily, production ended in February.
"I know but it's almost over. You got a day off tomorrow, right?"
Ruelle nodded. She planned to sleep all day tomorrow.
Zachari could sense her plans and smiled. "You'll get some rest, and then you'll feel rejuvenated. You know you'll miss filming once it's over, so enjoy it. This a good kind of exhaustion."
In her twenties, Ruelle would've asked what the hell a good kind of exhaustion was. But in her thirties, she had learned to find the distinctions between her tired days. Today, she just felt overworked.
"Yea. It's a good movie, bubba. You'll love it!"
He scratched his beard, "All your movies are good, Rue."
The two loved being complimented. They sometimes took turns listing the others' talents. Ruelle looked up to Zachari while he looked up to her. It was a mutual admiration.
"What are you up to today?"
Ruelle knew he was still working on her house and had just recently started another project. She was busy but he was busier. He never complained, though, never voicing a hint of dismay.
He smiled, his face revealing an excitement she'd yet to ever see on him. "I gotta work for a bit, but then I get to meet up with a couple friends."
His woman fought the urge to gasp. "You have friends? Wait that sounds bad. I mean, how comes you've never mentioned them?"
Whether as employer and employee, friends, or romantic partners, Zachari had never mentioned a single friend. They had spent New Years together, and Ruelle got to meet his immediate family, but still, all these "friends" were absent.
"I know. We were pretty close but uh after my sister died I kinda stopped talking to them. I mean they made plenty of efforts, but they're too old and busy to be chasing me around forever. I reached out a little while back and apologized for um ghosting them?"
Ruelle smiled at his use of ghosting. He said it like he had just been taught the word and wasn't used to using it. "You're so cute. I'm glad you guys are back in contact though. You look excited to see them."
Zachari nodded, "I've known these guys since college."
They talked a bit more after that until he had to go. Ruelle smiled as she walked to set and hoped he had a wonderful time with his friends. He deserved it.
—
The next day, Ruelle was disappointed to find out that he did not have a good time. In fact, he didn't even get to see them.
"What happened?" Ruelle asked with a tight frown. She heard screaming in the background and rose a brow. Zachari sighed before turning away.
"Mora baby wasn't you sleeping? You gotta sleep, miss. What's that? You don't want to? Your attitude stank just like your mama."
Zachari walked back with Kamora against his chest. She was a beautiful baby, her chubby limbs clinging to his shirt. Zachari flinched when she pulled his beard. "Nah, see this what we not gon do. Imma need you to sleep for me, Mora."
Ruelle his her giggle behind her palm as she watched Zachari have a stare-off with his niece. To Ruelle's amazement, the baby actually calmed down, her cries ceasing as her head fell in the crook of his neck.
He smiled widely, his hands gently caressing her back. "Thank you, mama."
When his attention returned to Ruelle, she smiled. "We were just meant to be. I'm the favorite Aunty too!"
Zachari chuckled, "Kids listen to me."
She smiled, "Everyone listens to you, big man. You just have that...aura."
He rose a brow but shook his head as she winked. "I didn't go cause Mama had Kamora while her dad went to work. Mama gets kinda sick sometimes and asked me to pick Mora up."
Ruelle pouted, "Did you guys reschedule?" He shrugged, "Yea, but who knows when our schedules will align again. It's cool cause they called when they were heading home and kept me company."
She smiled as she said, "That was nice of them."
Then she asked a question. "You ever get tired, big man?"
He understood what she meant. For a moment, he allowed his face to express the disappointment he had felt yesterday afternoon. Then he reigned it all back in and returned to his content expression.
"Of taking care of Mora? Never. Everything else? All the time."
Ruelle simply stared at him. He was healthy. He was strong and he was content. She didn't worry about his health, but she worried deeply about the state of his spirit.
Zachari ran away from her peering eyes, his gaze lowering to Kamora. He cupped her head, his body swaying as he hummed a song his father used to sing for his sister.
Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she wonderful?
Isn't she precious?
Ruelle continued her careful observation. He was so gentle with the child — his giant body softened with love. At that moment, Ruelle realized that Kamora was one of the few people keeping this man's spirit bright.
He had lost a sister, someone his younger version had held just as he now held Kamora. That was an ache that would never leave him, a wound no amount of time could heal.
And he was tired. So so tired.
But tired kept him distracted. Tired helped him pass out at night.
So even as Ruelle whispered, "Will you ever take a break?" she knew she would not get an answer.
He heard, that she knew. Yet, he said nothing as he continued to hum the sweet song.
—
Zachari received a letter.
It was strange. The purple envelope smelled of lavender and vanilla. The scent was familiar. It reminded him of the time he took Ruelle on a date to a cafe.
It didn't have a return address, and the only name on it was Ifiok.
Sitting back on his couch, he opened the thing. He had just gotten home after a long, and all he wanted was to shower, but the letter left him curious.
Dear Zachari,
I can't ever really sit on my thoughts. Last time I brought this up, I noticed you panicked, so here's my non-confrontational way of trying again. Don't worry, I won't be back from Paris until a couple of weeks, so you have time to burn this letter from your memory.
Remember when I said you dim your own light? Well, you're doing it more often now. You smile. A thought passes through your eyes, a reminder of some sort. Your smile tightens. You blink. Then you're not smiling anymore.
Same thing when you laugh. Or when you get excited about a project. It's even more noticeable when you talk about the future. Does it scare you? Are you worried about facing the future alone?
You're alone a lot, big man. That doesn't automatically mean you're lonely, but I think you're pretty lonely. I can't really count myself because I'm away most times. You're not as close with your friends anymore.
That's a big part of why you shut down so much, but I don't think that's all there is to it. Loneliness and fear are understandable, but I've got a gut feeling you're holding yourself back because of something else.
Now, I was sitting here thinking, why would a person bind themselves to such harsh limits? And then I realized the obvious.
I won't say that small word with a big meaning. Just know that I know. What do I know? Well, you'll have to ask me that face to face, or you'll never know.
We can ignore this letter for as long as you want. This is merely a reminder that when I promised I'd hold you up, I meant that for as long as you let me. I have more than enough strength for the both of us, bubba.
You're my big man but I am also your lady. Don't underestimate my dedication.
Now, I want you to get some rest. I sneakily got you an appointment at this spa, and you will go. Get pampered or face my wrath. I don't think you want to meet an angry Ruelle.
Sincerely,
Ifiok, child of wisdom
—
"Nigga you're at a what??"
Zachari chuckled at his friend. "This ain't my doing. It was either this or a very angry girlfriend."
"You could've lied," his friend suggested. Zachari shook his head. Lying to Ruelle felt wrong. There was no reason to. He knew she'd be disappointed if he didn't go, but if he took a minute to explain his reasoning, she'd get over it pretty quickly.
Why lie to someone so understanding?
"Nah, I lowkey need this damn massage," Zachari revealed. He was pretty tired.
Once the receptionist called him, he hung up on his friend. Before he knew it, he was face down on a massage bed, his mind relaxing as his muscles lost their tension.
He had never brought up the letter. She never asked. They simply pretended it didn't exist despite its significance.
For Ruelle, that letter solidified her dedication to this relationship. She was in it for the long ride.
For Zachari, that letter confirmed his feelings for Ruelle. He loved the woman.
She was so amazing. Her ability to understand him — to communicate with him in ways that didn't require him to respond was marvelous. She gave him space to decide whether he would accept her outstretched hand or not.
Ruelle was gorgeous, from her round face to her thick body. But Zachari fell for her heart first. He had glimpsed her kindness and fell headfirst. Then, he fell for her mind, her sweet thoughts, and profound wisdom.
Then he learned her body, and he fell for that too. Now, after another quick glance at her soul, he was completely in love. Zachari was a goner, and his reaction to that letter had proven it.
After a very pleasant time at the spa, Zachari felt much better. The sight of a dusky sky greeted him as he stepped out of the establishment, his phone in hand.
The man stared at the sky for a long while, willing the darkness of sunset away. He wanted to skip this — this part of the day that indicated goodnight, goodbye. He didn't want to acknowledge that it was the end of a day. Or that he would be forced to leave the day's events in the past.
That meant letting go.
Zachari was more than capable of starting over. Yet he dreaded the fact that starting over meant relinquishing his hold of his previous life. Zachari wanted to get from point A to C without ever crossing B.
You would think that he would've realized that life was never that easy. Zachari chuckled, "Some adult I am, huh?"
Without his realizing, his phone had been ringing for a while. When he opened it, he cringed at Ruelle's missed calls.
When he called her back, she didn't sound mad. He released a sigh, "Hey, pretty girl. Sorry I missed your calls."
"Nevermind about that, big man! You went! You're so precious, I just want to hug you."
He wondered how she found out. Ruelle giggled as if she sensed his confusion, "They sent me an email wondering how their service was. How was it? I'm asking so I can answer the email, of course."
The man smiled disbelievingly, "Sure you are. It was good. I feel relaxed, and that spot in my back doesn't hurt anymore. Thank you for that."
He heard her clapping, "Yes, yes! Regular massages are good for the soul. Next time, you and I are going to the nail salon. Oh, I saw this video...can I trim your beard?"
He laughed as he walked towards his car. "Pretty girl, I like you a lot, but I like my beard more."
"You're no fun."
Zachari nodded, "Would you let me trim your hair?"
She cringed, her silence answering for her. "Yea that's what I thought. You have a head full of beautiful hair because you treat it right. Can I treat my well-kept beard right too? Or is that too much to ask, sweet love?"
Ruelle rolled her eyes, "Wowww, I never knew you were this defensive about your beard. It's cute. You literally came for my ancestors with that argument."
He was stupefied. "Your ancestors, Rue?"
She laughed and politely changed the subject. "I can come back home in 3 weeks. I'm so excited, you don't understand."
Except he did. He was just as excited for her to be home.
"Pretty girl?"
She hummed, allowing her mind to replay the name. It made her feel younger, like a schoolgirl whose crush just called her pretty. It was an appreciated feeling because lately, everyone had been reminding her of her age. As if life stopped once a woman reached her thirties.
"When you get home, I wonna have that talk."
—
February was cold. Frustratingly so.
As Ruelle trudged outside the airport, she slipped her coat on. She was tired from her flight, and being cold just made everything worse.
Still, the minute her eyes landed on her man, her whole attitude melted away. She didn't even get to process her sudden mood change before he was upon her, a hand reaching out to grab her suitcase.
He looked down at her for a while, a not-so-subtle smile on his face. "Welcome home, Rue."
Her hands lifted and he got the message. Releasing his grip on her suitcase, his hands fell to her hips while she wrapped her hands around his neck.
Being in Zachari's arms was electrifying. Her grip on him tightened as she released the past few weeks' stress and folded against him.
His big hands propped her up as his lips kissed her forehead. "Missed you."
"Missed you too. So much."
They spent a lot of time with each other that week. It had been a long while, and neither wanted to release the other. So, their time together consisted of more than a few at home dates.
Ruelle was the mastermind behind most of these dates. On the first day, they merely rolled around in bed. The next, Ruelle cooked them a glorious meal, and they ate on his balcony. The next was a picnic in Zachari's living room. An at home spa date. A movie night.
It was safe to say that Zachari would never be bored in Ruelle's company. She always had an idea of how to spend their time.
Tonight, he did the cooking. The two had quickly realized that the balcony was their special place, so they had been eating there the past few days.
Ruelle was frowning at her phone when Zachari walked in with two trays of food. He lifted a brow, silently asking what was wrong while setting the trays down.
Ruelle hesitated but then decided she didn't want to treat him like glass. She didn't want to walk around eggshells because that would just make him feel bad.
"Well, I was watching this video. The girl was saying how she would prefer plants over flowers because flowers die after a few days but plants last much longer. I'm not sure if I agree."
Zachari took a minute to think about it. The comparison never really came to mind. But first, he had a question. "Do you like flowers?"
Ruelle's eyes shone as she smiled. "Yes. Bright ones."
Her man stacked that information away for later and refocused. "At the end of the day, it boils down to preference, but I think she has a point. Flowers are very temporary."
She nodded, "Yes but what's so wrong with that? Some things just aren't meant to last. I think that helps us appreciate them more."
Zachari smiled at her optimism. "That's very true but sometimes we get attached. Letting go can be very painful. Especially when you realize that it's truly the end and you'll never see that thing that again."
Ruelle's inquisitive eyes bore into his. He knew she was making the connections, and he let her. He didn't see the point of hiding what she already suspected.
"Hm, I get it. I just think it's more productive to think about the life that flower did live. It might've been for a short while, but it did thrive, y'know? So I guess I'd rather celebrate that than grieve a fate I can't change."
When Zachari stayed quiet, Ruelle decided to add on. "I used to say that even if I got my heart broken, I wanted to experience love at least once. Just to know what it felt like. Even if that relationship were to end, I'd forever have the memories. Even as a child, I never minded temporary things. People and things will come and go, but the memories they leave with me are mine to keep until the end of my days."
Zachari understood what she was saying. It was a very mature way of thinking. Still, not everyone could be as mature as Ruelle, and he was one of those people.
So he cleared his throat and started the conversation he'd promised her they would have. "You most likely guessed correctly, but I do feel guilty. That was my little sister. Never would I have thought that I would be the one to bury her."
Ruelle turned her body to face him completely. He talked as she shuffled, "I was like 7 when she was born, but I swore I would protect her. But this was something I couldn't help her with — I have illusions about that. It's just that I feel bad every time I'm happy because I know she can no longer be happy with me. It's like I'm out here living the life when my baby sis can't. That stings, I guess."
She nodded, "So you try to stop yourself from being too happy or even too successful." She had noticed that he declined certain jobs and now she finally confirmed the reason why. Zachari overworked himself, but he did so in a way that would keep his career stagnant.
For a while, they just stared at each other. Ruelle contemplated whether she should be brutally honest or not. Though death broke her heart, she accepted that it was an inevitable reality.
Softly, she asked, "How many people have told you she'd want you to live for her?"
Zachari scratched his beard, his head bending sideways. "Uh, 3? I don't know. It's kind of the go to response for people."
Ruelle smiled sadly. It truly was.
"Death has no order, bubba. It's comforting to think that because we're older, our time will come first, but that's not always true. It's frightening to admit but it is our reality. Your sister died because it was her time. You have to understand that."
He shrugged, "Yea, but I wish things were different. It didn't have to happen that way."
"Ah, you wish. Things don't always happen the way we want them to, big man. And once they happen, there's nothing we can do to change them. Frustrating, isn't it?"
Zachari held her eyes as allowed a sliver of his anger to show. It was more than frustrating — it filled him with rage. Ruelle nodded, "Yes, I know. But bubba, when was the last time you celebrated your sister's memory? She was a teacher, wasn't she? When was the last time you thought about all the students she impacted? The joy she might've brought them? Don't even get me started on Kwaye! We all know that man was head over heels. Bet you haven't thought about that, huh?"
As he lowered his eyes, Ruelle knew she hit the nail right on the head. She grabbed his chin and lifted his head. "Look at me, big man. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I've been in your shoes. Grief has a way of overtaking our minds. It shifts our focus and blinds our hearts."
He felt his eyes sting as she talked, but he held her gaze. She was so gentle, even when she chided him. Ruelle's ability to be honest while showing incomparable empathy was admirable. He trusted her, even when he was ashamed of his feelings.
"I'm not saying you're wrong for grieving bubba. Of course, you're not. But don't forget to honor her spirit. You can't spend so much time worrying about the life she didn't get to live that you forget about the life she did live. She was happy, yea? Proud and free?"
Zachari nodded. His little sister had done amazing things in her life. She owned a hair salon and a nail shop in college, and by the time she graduated, she was a full-time teacher. She loved fiercely, and once she met Kwaye, her love magnified. He had so many memories of her — so many recollections that he could fill a whole book with them, and that still wouldn't be enough space.
"Don't forget that. Yes, she's missing out on a lot, but that's just the way life goes. She cashed in on a lot of life's checks, and maybe that doesn't seem like enough, but it will have to be. For her to rest easy, the memories she left you with will have to be enough."
Zachari pulled Ruelle to his lap, his chin resting on top of her head. She had given him a new perspective. He couldn't change his sister's fate, so obsessing over it would only drive him crazy.
"I'm never going to see her again, huh? She won't magically appear to raise Kamora?"
Ruelle heard his whisper and held him tighter. "No, big man. No, you won't."
Zachari wanted to cry over that, but her honesty was his saving grace. He needed to accept her death, and that started with acknowledging that she would never accomplish the rest of her goals.
That hurt the man. So much so that his hands shook against Ruelle's back. It had been eight months since she died, but Zachari kept waiting for her to come back. For once, someone had disillusioned him, and he was grateful for it.
He would never move on if someone didn't set him straight.
"Just focus on what you can control, bubba. The rest is in fate's hands."
Zachari made no promises, but he would certainly try. He had to. For his sake. And, Zachari vowed, for the woman who didn't sugar coat her thoughts for him.
Once again Zachari was reminded that while he was a big man, he also had a very strong woman beside him. She had him like no one else did — like no one else could. Ruelle was Zachari's equal, and she would always treat him as such. Even when that meant pushing his limits.