south carolina
june 1990
***
Vada
//
"Juliet called again."
The morning sun shines through the glass windows, lighting up the whole house. Grams pours tea for herself, while I mix two spoonfuls of sugar in my black coffee. Birds chirp from outside and through the opened windows, and I'm completely surrounded by the feeling of warmth.
I haven't been up this early all summer to enjoy mornings like this that remind me of earlier days in my life. I watch the sugar melt in the black liquid, blowing on it before bringing the mug to my lips.
"What did you tell her?" I question, sipping slowly.
Grams holds her mug of tea in her hands, leaned back on the kitchen chair across from me. Toast and bacon are between us, but I haven't had an appetite for days.
"That you haven't been feeling good," she keeps her voice calm. "which isn't a lie."
It's been a day since Zayn showed up unexpectedly, looking for the missing trouble.
After what happened at the club, after his explanation for his bruises, the possibilities of where he is could be endless at this point. My stomach practically turned at the thought, and I would never admit it to him, but I was worried.
"She probably knows what it means anyways," I admit "I just don't want to deal with her questions at the moment."
Juliet has always been the person I told everything to, ever since fourth grade. From boy crushes, to childhood trauma, she's always been my secret keeper. So it was weird I wasn't telling her how I've really been feeling, but I've been doing so well recently and I didn't want her to worry about a small slip up. Because that's all it was.
"She cares about you, sweetheart. You two have practically been attached at the hip since the second you met." Grams smiles "Especially this summer, she and those friends of hers really have gotten you out of your comfort zone lately. You really seem more..." She takes a look at me searching for something.
My eyebrows furrow at her words, confused on what she means. "I seem more, what?" I ask carefully.
Grams smiles, her grey eyes sparkle and remind me of someone a little too much. "Happy." she then says.
I look back down into my coffee. "I don't know, I guess she and the band, they're..." I shrug. "I just haven't been around people that are so full of life before, and I guess it's kind of contagious." I smile at the memories of the last month.
"You got back pretty late that night," She then says looking at me through gray-blue. "Did something happen? I noticed Harry's car there early in the morning, but he hasn't been back." her eyes are questioning.
I shrug, seeming to be better at lying lately. "Nothing happened specifically," I say, playing the memories in my head that I would never actually tell her. "I guess I was just overthinking, and well, maybe that triggered it." I say like I really don't know either.
"Overthinking about what?" she presses because she knows I'm not giving her all of the information.
I avoid eye contact by setting my mug down. My face remains blank, unaffected. "I don't know, stupid stuff. It doesn't really matter anymore, I'm over it." I stand up when my mug is half empty.
I didn't really feel like having this conversation, because it's been talked about a thousand times before. Talking about it didn't help me, and instead the only thing that did was to cover it all up. Burying it all so far, and so deep like it doesn't exist at all.
"Vada-"
"I'll call Juliet back. You're right, I should get out of the house." I know how to avoid it too well now.
"Yes, you do that but Vada-" she calls me again "If you wanna talk about it-"
"Right, I know. But I'm okay, I promise." I smile moving my way out of the kitchen before she can say anything else.
I honestly needed to leave before I went insane in this house. So I call a frantic Juliet, cutting off her questions telling her I'm sleeping over, and hang up before she can say anything else.
***
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Juliet's voice is laced with concern.
I shake my head from next to her on the couch in her living room. One of Juliet's favorite soap operas plays on the television in front of us, and we're surrounded by snacks and wine. I drink the liquid and ignore the potato chips.
"Not really," I say shortly, twisting my ring on my middle.
My head is a little heavy from countless glasses of wine, but I was itching for something stronger in Juliet's parents secret liquor cabinet.
"Okay, well we don't have to, but you know we can-"
"I really don't wanna bring it up anymore, it's not a big deal." I shrug sort of laughing it off. It was all so dramatic.
I was supposed to keep this secret that wasn't even mine. If I told her one thing I would have to tell her it all, and I couldn't do that. I felt guilty for leaving my best friend in the dark, and I knew she would feel betrayed if she found out. But Zayn was right, it was better left unsaid. Even if it meant her two closest people lying to her.
Juliet's brown eyes stare at me and it's obvious her expression is worried. But she sends me a smile being the carefree I need her to be right now.
"Right, okay." She agrees and pauses. And then she reaches behind her grabbing an envelope off of the end table next to the couch.
She hands it to me, avoiding eye contact. "Here," she chews on her lip, a nervous habit.
I glance at her before opening the already torn white envelope. "Dear Juliet Parker," I read out loud "We are pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to Fashion Institute of Technology for our fall 1990 semester." my eyes are wide as I look at her and my mouth falls open.
"Holy shit, Li! New York?" I practically jump out of my seat, seeming to be more excited than her as she sits completely still. "When did you get this?" I question looking over the envelope and paper.
"Two months ago," she answers, shrugging. My eyes widened.
"What's with you? This school is your dream?" I then question.
One of the best fashion schools in the country accepts her, one she's been dreaming about since ninth grade, and here she sits looking disappointed and like she hates the idea.
She starts to chew on her nails, eyes on her cuticles rather than on me. "I applied for it at the beginning of junior year, before Zayn and I even met." she explains.
I gave her a look. "So?"
Her brown eyes meet mine, her's darker and way bigger with the outline of her heavy eyeliner. "So, it's way too far away from everything."
Oh. I then roll my eyes. "You mean too far from, Zayn."
"Same thing," she says, taking the envelope back from me, finishing the wine in her glass.
I watch her as she pours more, never being able to see why she should not hold herself back. She thinks everything is her boyfriend, she thinks her whole world is. I disagree because she's so much more than some boy.
"Would he do it for you?" I then ask and she looks at me.
"What?"
I sat up taking the wine bottle from her "Would Zayn stay for you?" I take a drink and Li shakes her head.
"It's not the same thing," she disagrees, snatching the bottle back.
I roll my eyes. "Sure it is. What if the band went on tour, would he stay behind just because you're here?"
The alcohol makes me bold with my words. I would never say my opinion on their relationship sober. Who would?
My best friend eyes me, someone who always has to argue, and I watch as she doesn't. Instead she drinks more out of the bottle. I tilt my head at her, resting my case.
"Have you even told him?" I ask after a moment.
Li shakes her head, slumping back into the couch, the expensive wine bottle clutched in her hands. "No, I don't even know why I would. I'm not going."
"You're ridiculous" I scoff, almost annoyed at her blindness.
"I'm in love." she protests with a silly smile.
I fake gag. "Same fucking thing." I go to snatch the bottle back, but it's empty now as she finishes the last bit. I make my way over to the locked liquor cabinet.
A few shots of whiskey, and way too much wine later, I'm warm as we lay on Juliet's parents living room floor. Her feet by my head, my feet by her head, we stare at the ceiling as "Knocking On Heavens door " plays and tears stream down Li's face because she's an emotional drunk.
She suddenly sits up, eyes smudged with black makeup as she looks down at me. "Do you think he would leave me to go on tour?" she then asks.
I sit up too so we're in front of each other again. I move the pink-blonde out of her watery eyes. "If he does, go to New York" I state.
"Only if you come with me" she then says and I look at her like she's crazy.
Maybe I am too because I then smile and say "Deal. We belong in a place like New York, we're wasted potential if you make us stay for a stupid boy."
Juliet agrees. "So, wherever you go I go?" she holds out her pinky.
I wrap my pinky around hers locking in best friend promises. "Wherever you go I go."
"Look what the cat dragged in," the familiar, loud, smug voice calls and I smile at the sound.
Louis' blue eyes and messy brown hair is in front of me, pulling me in for a hug. With a cigarette hanging from his lips, I take it from him as we pull away from the embrace. Taking a drag before he snatches it back, I blow out smoke in his face.
"That shit will kill 'ya" he scolds playfully. I smile slyly at his hypocrisy.
Its the day after our sleepover and Juliet dragged me to the boys' house, because she can't ever be away from her boyfriend for too long. But I don't mind because I miss the boys and their contagious energy.
The small apartment is loud because of the booming music coming from the stereo and the yells coming from Niall and Zayn as they play an intense video game.
We walk into the living room and like a switch is flipped, Zayn shoots up from his spot on the couch as soon as he sees his girlfriend and pauses the game before greeting her with a rare smile.
"Dude, what the fuck—"Niall sounds annoyed before his eyes land on us as we walk in. "Oh, hey sunshine." Blue eyes shine and my smile is real when I'm around these people.
"Hi to you too, Niall." Juliet speaks and the guitarist's eyes go from mine to hers.
"Hey, emo barbie." He laughs loudly. Juliet gives him a dirty look. I smile at his nicknames.
I take a seat next to Niall on the couch. Louis follows after me before leaning back and takes Zayn's spot as he grabs the game controller. We all watch the video game as the couple sits on the cushioned chair with Juliet on his lap.
"You're basically emo Ken, so shut the fuck up." Juliet laughs at Niall.
I snort at her comment as Niall glares, flipping her off. "Bro, tell me that kid isn't gay." Louis then says eyes focused on the television, cigarette still hanging from his lips as he holds the controller in his hands moving his thumbs intensely.
"Ken?" I question, wondering.
"Yeah, do you see how he dresses?" Niall says, eyes also fixated on the television. The same look of concentration on his face.
I smile because they're absolutely ridiculous. "Him and Barbie are dating?" I'm confused.
Louis snorts, scoffing. "Pfft, it's just a cover up. That fucker is gay." he states like it's a fact.
I roll my eyes not about to argue with him, and then Niall speaks again. "Louis, who do you think is hotter, Barbie or Ken?" he questions.
"You two dumb asses realize that they're dolls, right?" Zayn then speaks up looking at these two morons.
Louis ignores him. "Barbie for sure. Ken's a little too bitchy for me." he laughs.
A joint is passed around and just because it's there I take a few hits. Niall's teaching me how to play the video game, killing off zombies, while Juliet orders take out. When the food is here I'm the last one in the kitchen, and as I'm dishing my plate with fried rice, Zayn walks in.
The stereo still plays and I can hear laughter from the living room. I glance at my best friend's boyfriend as he reaches into the refrigerator for a beer. He moves around me casually and I find myself biting my tongue.
"Want one?" he offers. I declined as I turned to face him.
He looks at me while taking a drink of the sweating beer bottle. "Just ask, if you're gonna ask." He knows about my curiosity towards trouble. It's written all over my face.
I roll my eyes and it's like he and Li are twins in their stubbornness. "Did you find him?"
"Yeah"
"Where?"
"In the hallway, outside, yesterday morning." His answers are short like his best friends are, and it irritates me.
"And?" I question like I always do because I know that's not it.
He sighs out checking behind me at the group for listening ears. He speaks again in a lower voice. "I don't know what happened, he won't talk about it. He never does, but—" he cuts himself off eyeing me again.
My eyebrows furrow at his hesitation. "But?"
"He's..worse than usual." he explains briefly. I try not to lose my patience.
I get mad at myself for even caring. "Spit it out, Zayn."
"He always comes back with pretty fucked up, but not like this. It's never this bad, and it's like.." he sighs out. "it's like he didn't even fight back this time, like he couldn't."
I'm then quiet, still not completely understanding of what happened but I'm sure no one is. "Where is he?" I question.
"My room," Zayn answers. "He refuses to leave, or talk to anyone. We have to cancel tomorrow's show, there's no way he can go on." he shakes his head.
It's quiet again as my brain floods with memories and then realization hits me. "I think I get it." I came up with a conspiracy that sounds crazy but I wouldn't doubt it happened.
Zayn looks up. "What?"
"They punished him, because of what happened at the club." I explain almost whispering now just in case. "he never brought me back, because technically I was Liam Payne's property as soon as he laid eyes on me."
"That's fucking crazy, V." Zayn shakes his head "Harry made a deal—"
"I was a loan, Harry only could borrow me." The pieces are clicking together as I remember the words. "Don't you remember? Liam specifically told Harry to bring me back. Bring me back to him once he is done with me." I explained to the both of us.
Zayn's quiet and I know he thinks I'm right. "They punished him for not bringing you back," he repeats. "what the fuck?"
"It's obvious isn't it? I mean, have they done this before?" I ask.
"The reason why he's in it is a punishment," Zayn explains, shaking his head, running a hand down his face. "but they almost killed him this time. He refuses to go to the hospital, he could have a concussion or some shit, but he still refuses."
I shake my head, the sick feeling in my stomach since he went missing is worse. "If I wasn't so fucking stupid—"
"It wasn't your fault, Vada." Zayn shakes his head disagreeing. "Harry shouldn't of brought us there, he was fucked up, he wasn't thinking clearly. None of us were, don't blame yourself."
It wasn't my fault that Harry was caught up with these people. He made choices in the past I had nothing to do with. But it was me who got him hurt this time, and I think that's worse than anything.
"V, Grease is on!" Juliet rushes in, eyes wide and bloodshot. "Come on, John Travolta is hot as fuck." she pulls me away from her boyfriend unaware of our intense conversation, and I let her.
We all sit around the small living room as my favorite film plays, but I don't focus on it much. Instead my minds on trouble who's now just down the hall instead of nowhere to be found.
I try to convince myself that I now need to stay away, even after everything. Because let's face it, everything that happened just wasn't worth it.
Not worth my caring, or our secret similarities. Every time I think we're taking two steps forward, something always pushes us ten steps back.
In the middle of the movie I make an excuse to go to the bathroom. Hidden from the rest of the group down the hall, I stand in front of the door that he's behind. I don't even dare go in, I don't have the guts to. But it was like he knew I was there, my imagination got the better of me, and I could practically hear his voice from behind it saying;
go on V, open the door.
open it.
OPEN IT.
I don't. Instead I turn back and leave the apartment all together. The sick feeling almost returns that he's like that because of me, and for some reason it feels like he's making me pay for it.
***