It's been 18 hours since Carol blasted off into space to find Tony and Peter.
As soon as she described to me how she could navigate the stars and planets like the back of her hand without a helmet, my heart leapt into my throat and for the first time since the snap, I've been able to grab ahold of something good. When I told the rest of the group, Rhodes left to call Pepper while Carol prepared herself for a rescue mission in space.
With every hour that passes by, it gets harder and harder to wait.
As the time ticked on, I could feel my eyelids growing heavier. None of us have slept well since the snap, and it's beginning to catch up with me. Steve glances over at me in the conference room and sighs, standing up and putting a hand on my shoulder.
"You should get some sleep, Dawn. We'll wake you when Danvers gets back" he urges. I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off with a gentle shake of his head.
"You need sleep. We all do. I'll make sure that you're awake to not miss a thing" Rogers assures. I cast a glance around the room to already see a few of our remaining team members dozing off and let out a sigh. I turn back to Steve with a small smile and nod.
"Okay," I concede, watching him nod in approval before walking back to his perch by the holograph of the earth in the center of the room.
I let my eyes slip closed, begging somewhere deep within me that when sleep does come, that my dreams won't be of him. Then again, in the same measure, I want them to be of him. It's the only place I can see him now.
Sleep comes on swift wings and pulls me under before I can figure out which opposite I desire more.
|||
"How many are left?" T'Challa's busied voice calls out over my ear piece.
"Barnes and I have them cornered" I reply, casting a breathless look over to Bucky who stands beside me in the palace of Wakanda.
Before us, seven fully-armed assassins who had just recently infiltrated the palace and tried to make an attempt on T'Challa and Shuri's lives sit tied up around a column. When I came to visit Bucky for a few months, I never expected to be stopping an assassination attempt. I'm more than happy to help, though, and didn't hesitate when Okoye burst into my room and announced that the palace was under attack.
"Good, I will be there shortly with the Dora to take them into questioning" T'Challa informs.
I pull a hand through my now messy blonde hair and survey the assassins before me, my brows furrowing slightly as I recount.
"Hey Buck," I begin, dragging my confused gaze from the people before me and to my boyfriend, "Weren't there 8?"
Bucky freezes, furrowing his brows and recounting like I did before a look of apprehension crawls over his features. The look we share for a brief moment is all the confirmation I need. One is still out there.
"T'Challa, be on alert. There's one more somewhere in the palace" Bucky informs over the comm link.
Halfway through his words, though, my eyes catch on movement over Bucky's shoulder at the same moment I register the heat signature. A flash of metal darts my gaze down to the gun readied in the assassin's hands and my eyes widen, sudden panic flaring through me.
"Bucky, move!" I shout out, making his crystal blue eyes widen as he whips around to see what I do. Before the last man standing can make a shot, though, I summon my venom and step forward, slamming it into him so hard that he goes flying back and the gun clatters from his hands.
"We got him, T'Challa. No worries" Bucky responds breathlessly, nodding to me once and offering me a small, grateful smile. I nod back, letting out a sigh to release some of the panic stuck in my chest and cast a glance over at the now downed eighth assassin.
"That was too close for my..." my words trail off.
He's not moving.
When I threw the last one back, I didn't look long enough to see that he'd slammed right into the corner of a wall in the palace. My heart ricochets and I immediately reach out to withdraw my venom in case he's badly hurt.
Only the venom won't come out. There's only one reason that it wouldn't.
"No" I breathe, denial coursing through me like a broken dam as I stumble forward towards where the man lies motionless on the cool floor.
The closer I get, the more I see the blood that pools from his mouth and nose slowly, ever so slowly that I know before I reach him. I still refuse to believe it, though. My entire body is trembling and the rushing in my ears has grown to a roar, drowning out the sound of Bucky calling out to me. I drop down to my knees, not caring about the bitting pain that shoots up from where they slam against the hard floor, and drag my wide eyes over the man.
"You're okay, you're alright" I ramble, trying to convince myself of my words as I reach forward and place a hand to his neck to feel his pulse.
I can't find it.
My heart twists so painfully that an audible gasp slips past my lips and I grab the unmoving man's face gently, turning it to face me and shaking him slightly.
"You're fine, please be fine" I beg, slipping more of my venom into him but finding that I can't draw it back out like I can with the living.
I shake my head violently, not believing what's happening right before me. I didn't mean to...I never intended for him to....
Oh God.
The breath squeezes from my lungs as I sit back on my knees, my wide green eyes displaying every inch of horror and panic that I feel. In the distance I can hear T'Challa and a host of other footsteps arrive to take away the living assassins, but the room goes silent and I can feel the attention zero in on me. I look slowly down to my hands, which are now coated in the man's blood. I nearly gag as one word rips through me over and over and over again.
Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murd-
The tirade in my brain is cut off when a pair of hands, one warm and one cool, grab onto my trembling ones. I snap my gaze up to find a pair of soothing blue eyes holding my terrified green ones softly. Bucky's face softens as he looks upon the true disgust and panic on my own and he squeezes my blood spattered hands a little tighter. He's crouched before me, doing his best to block my view of the man I...the man I...
The man I killed.
Bucky knows me better than anyone in this universe, though, because he shakes his head softly, moving his metal hand to rest on the side of my jaw and running his thumb over my cheek.
"Doll, listen to me. That was an accident, you didn't mean to. You were saving my life" he murmurs, not breaking his gaze with me probably for fear that the moment he does I'll look right back at the man who I killed, the one thing that I swore I'd never do, I just did it.
"I still k-," I begin, but I can't find myself to say the word as tears rush to my eyes, "Bucky I killed him"
I nearly lose it when I say the word, and I watch Bucky's heart break in his eyes. He looks over my shoulder and says something to T'Challa that I don't catch before turning back to me and not hesitating to scoop me into his arms. I tuck my head close into his chest to keep myself from looking at what I'd done but I can't stop the violent shaking of my entire body. Bucky must feel it to because he holds me tighter to himself, giving me something solid and real and unmoving in my rapidly swirling and screaming world.
"Don't think about it, Dawn. Just listen to my voice" Bucky calls down to me, and I try desperately to do as he says, but I can't stop my mind from replaying every moment in Clayton's lab where I swore that I'd never take a life.
I swore.
I feel Bucky setting me down gently and when I take a quick look around, I see we're in his bedroom. Bucky quickly moves to the adjoining bathroom and, before he can be gone long enough for my panic to set in again, he's back with a washcloth in his hands.
"Bucky," I begin, but he cuts me off as he knees before me, grabbing onto my hands gently.
"I know" He simply says, and with those two seemingly insignificant words, I know that he does. He's probably one of the only people in the entire world who does.
Without another word, Bucky gently begins to use the washcloth to clean away the blood on my hands, making sure to wipe away every speck and drop that remains. It does more than he'll ever know in calming me down, because when I look at my hands I don't see carnage. I just see him taking care of me.
When Bucky's done, he sets the cloth aside and gently presses a kiss to each of my palms. My skin sets on fire where he touches it and the sparks that race across the surface of my hands chase away the panic in my chest. Finally, he looks back up to me and stands so that I have to look up to meet his gaze. Gently, he takes my face in his hands and leans down to press another kiss to my forehead.
"He's gonna haunt me, Buck" I breathe as he pulls away, bringing my tear-filled eyes up to his pained, understanding ones.
"He might," Bucky concedes, still holding my face in his hands, "But I'll be here every day and every night to show you how to move past it"
A tear slips down my cheek and he catches is swiftly. Our gaze speaks more than a thousand words, communicating peace and love and assurance that I desperately need right now. Without another word, Bucky climbs into his bed and I follow suit, curling up against him with my back pressed up against his chest. His metal arm moves to rest over my waist, holding me close to him and reminding me that he's there.
"I love you" Bucky says softly.
I lay there, eyes wide open for fear that the second they close, I'll see the man's face. The only solace I have, the only thing bringing me back to reality and keeping me grounded, is Bucky.
"I love you too"
|||
This time, when I wake up, I'm not crying.
The dream was another memory, one from a particularly awful visit to Wakanda about a year ago. Bucky stayed by my side nearly every moment for the remainder of my time there, keeping me distracted and making me laugh so that I wouldn't cry or vomit like I nearly did every day and night.
I sit for a moment, blinking my eyes to let them adjust to the Avenger's Compound once more. I know that nothing new has happened considering that everyone is still exactly where they were when I fell asleep. A serene quiet blankets the room as my mind reels from the memory the dream brought back to me. I smile softly, nearly being able to feel the kiss that Bucky placed to each hand and to my forehead.
"Are you okay?" Steve asks softly.
I look over to find him looking knowingly at me. We've all been getting the dreams. I ponder his question for a moment and it's then that I know that from now on, I'm going to cherish falling asleep. I'm going to relish in every moment my brain gives me to relive with Bucky because it's all I have left of him right now. If I can just cling to those memories, to the ghost of his lips against mine and his smile, then I can make it long enough to save him, to find him again. That's why I smile again and nod.
"I think I will be" I respond quietly, and I find the words ring with truth.
I won't be great, or perfect, or joyful. I'll just be okay. And okay is good enough for now, it's the best I can do until I get the love of my life back.
Until we get everyone who was lost back.