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There's a popular saying that says all good things must come to an end. Usually, I'd say it would go for a good film or a TV series that makes you sit at the edge of your seat, or even a good book or a holiday. When my mum stands in front of me and Nick appears with an annoyed expression, I think the saying is relevant. It's been a good few months without a word from her, and I guess that must end.
"Are you not going to give your mother a hug, Aspen?" Mum coos.
"No, I don't think I will," I admit.
"Aspen, I have driven a long way to be here, the least I deserve—"
"If it were up to me, you deserve to be thrown out of my flat, Sarah. Because you are my fiancée's mother, I will make an exception. If you so much as disrespect her, I will not hesitate to show you the door. That is your only warning," Nick warns.
If I wasn't in a state of paralysis from the shock, I would kiss him.
"Fiancée?" Mum questions. So, she was just threatened and that's all she takes from that? Typical.
"Yes, Mum, we're engaged," I answer.
She beams. "Congratulations!"
It's all for show. I know she's not really this happy – she let her feeling be known at Joel's funeral.
"What do you want?" I demand. "Because I don't remember giving you my address, and I distinctly remember telling you that I never wanted to see you again."
"That was a long time ago, my child. Monica gave me your address, and I thought we could discuss everything. I'm sure you have heard about your father's... sin against me."
"Oh, you mean the divorce that he wants?" I snort. "Because you two were in mine and Joel's situation with the sex before marriage thing? You pushed him to get married, didn't you?"
She ignores my mention of it. "Divorce is a sin, Aspen. You know that much. Your father is turning his back on the Lord after twenty-two years. He listened too much to your ramblings and crimes against God Almighty after poor Joel—"
"Sarah, I really would tone it down. This is our house," Nick warns through gritted teeth.
I glance at him: he threatened to throw her out. I wonder why he hasn't done so now.
Perhaps he knows I need this for my final closure of sorts. Especially now I know the truth.
"The Lord will show your father the light. Just like he seems to be doing to you."
"Mum, please just stop. What do you want?" I demand.
She stares at me before perching on a sofa without asking. Normally I wouldn't care, but because it's her I do.
"Why on earth are you getting married, Aspen? Marriage is for the—"
"Uh, my fiancé is right in front of you, mother. Have some respect," I snap. "We are getting married because we love each other."
"Marriage is for the virtuous. You are engaged to the brother of your child, Aspen."
I glance at Nick. The amusement dances through his eyes but we both remain silent.
"Adopted brother, yes," I correct her. "It doesn't bother any of us and that's all that counts."
"I wish to see my grandson," she announces.
I laugh. She must be joking.
"You don't have a grandson," I point out. "Gabriel is not my son. He has been adopted. You can't just turn up and demand to see a child who is of no relation. Even if I had that power, you would not be seeing him."
"Aspen, in the space of two years, your sins have turned this whole family upside down. I had a strong, virtuous marriage and because of you and Joel, I no longer have a marriage, my daughter is destined for Hell, and my grandson is in another pair of hands. I would like to see him, seeing as he is the only anchor I have left. I assume you have seen him?"
"That is none of your business, and nor is he," Nick cuts in. "Aspen said she never wanted to see you again, and I agree with her. Please, Sarah, leave before things get ugly."
"What did I ever do to you, Aspen? What turned you to this life of perpetual sin? Why do you desert our Father and Son like this?" Mum pleads.
I stare at her for a moment. Her blonde hair is pulled back, her makeup on point. She still looks older than she should for a woman in her forties. The years of stress of trying to be perfect, of worrying about sinning and prayers have gotten to her eyes. The way her mouth always purses or pouts in distaste shows with the small lines at their sides. If she ever smiled, I wonder if she would look like the Joker from the Batman films.
I sigh. "You brainwashed me for eighteen years, Mum. You scared me so much that I didn't know how to live. I wasn't prepared for real life. When I made a mistake, I was forced into a marriage I didn't want with a man I didn't love. You ruined our lives! You not only ruined my life with your religion, but you also ruined Joel's, and you tried to ruin Gabriel's life. You ruined Dad's life as well, did you even realise that? You pushed him into marriage, just the same as you did to me and Joel. You hide behind religion but it's like a cult in your head, Mum. Now you come crawling back because you pushed everyone away. Why?"
I watch the tears falling from her eyes and although I expect to feel sorry for her, I don't. I feel liberated. I remember watching Nick play on his Far Cry game or whatever it's called, and he kills all the bad guys out of some area, and it says he's liberated an area. I feel like that – completely elated and empty of all the bad. It's been a long time coming, I see that now.
Then I go for it. Now is the time.
"I know why. Dad told me. You hide behind the religion because you're attracted to women, right? He told me you argued about it. I get that your religion and attractions don't align, but... I can't understand why you'd give me and dad this life to hide your real self," I say.
She stares at me with wide eyes. She looks like a deer in headlights: confused, blinded... caught out.
"You have no idea what you're talking about! You've been biting out of too many forbidden fruits. Like Nicholas here, and Joel—"
"Do you ever listen to yourself, Mum? Seriously? I never loved Joel, not the way I should've. I love Nick. If I don't believe, then I never sinned. The only bad thing I ever did was allow myself to be pressured by you because you were too afraid of what the congregation would say about your sexuality!" I snap back.
Nick's face is beaming with pride – it shines off him like a halo against the deep, bleak darkness of hell my mum radiates.
It's a beautiful juxtaposition. Years ago, this would be the opposite: my mum the heaven versus Nick the personification of temptation and sin. Now, Nick is my angel and Mum is my devil.
It's that liberation I've always dreamed of.
"I... I wish you would see the light, Aspen," she whispers.
"I have, Mum, I have," I respond. "My new family is my light." I glance at Nick, and I know he's internally singing the song from Tangled. We only watched it yesterday – again. The man is obsessed.
"Then I better leave," she stammers. "God bless you, and God bless your new family Aspen. I hope one day you will see the light and allow me back in."
"I wish... I wish you would be yourself, Mum. You're allowed to be religious and bi-sexual. You can be whoever you want. Times have changed. I just... I wish Dad and I hadn't been your sacrifice."
She looks at me with pain and sadness etched in her ageing face. I actually feel sorry for her. Though she ruined the past twenty years of my life, and twenty-two years of my dad's life, I can't imagine the pain and suffering she went through to hide who she really is.
When her eyes fill with tears, I half expect her to break down and talk to me. But instead, she turns on her heel and walks out of the flat.
The front door slams behind her, and though I know it should hurt me to listen to my mother walk out of my life, especially after what has just transpired, it doesn't. It feels the complete opposite.
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"Do you think she understood?" I ask Nick later that night. He pauses his game and the bedroom fills up with the soft music of his bloody game. Though the music is quite soothing actually. I've been watching the game on and off since he started it and I swear it's a dramatisation of my upbringing. Maybe that's why he's enjoying it.
"Which bit, because my daisy, you gave her quite the... showdown," Nick jokes.
"The bit where I told her she can be who she wants. Like... I meant she doesn't have to hide herself anymore. I don't know," I question.
"I don't know, my daisy," he answers. "Does it matter if she did? Even if she did, would you still want nothing to do with her?" he asks.
I sigh and lean my head on his chest. His heartbeat ricochets in my ears, filling my brain with the signs of life. Sometimes it's hard to understand that he would love someone like me, someone with the background I have. In most ways, we are complete opposites, but in others, we're almost cut from the same cloth so to speak. At the end of it all, he's the north magnet to my south and we're destined to just attract no matter what stands in our way. We could try and force ourselves apart, whether it's Gabriel, Joel, my mother... we'll never repel because opposites will always attract.
"I just... in some ways I wish she would just turn around and be my mum. So maybe subconsciously, I want her back? But I also know too much water is under the bridge, and I will always remember what she did."
"This might sound horrible, my daisy, but in a way, I don't think she ever was just your mum. I don't think she knew how to be separate from her faith. Whether it's devout or cult-like I don't think she ever has and ever will separate anything in her life from it. I think in a way, it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. She has hidden herself for so long, she doesn't know who she is anymore."
"I guess you're right," I say. "I wish I could have what you have with your mum with my mum. But I know I have your mum now."
He kisses my hair and squeezes my arm to pull me as close to him as I can get. I don't think I could ever be close enough to Nick and we both know it.
"I know what you mean. You only get one set of parents, and because you grew up with them, you wish you could've had a 'normal' relationship. In a way, I think your relationship with my parents will be that for you, you know. I see the way you and they gel. But I know what you mean. The thing you have to remember, your mother is toxic, and no matter what you've tried she proves it time and time again. You are so much better off without her, Aspen. If she was capable of change, she would've done it when Joel was sick. She didn't. She got worse. As hard as it is, you have to get rid of the toxicity."
I remember when Monica told me about her husband's parents and how he ditched them because they were toxic. It was the same thing as my mother, and he had told her that he was so much better off.
I agree.
But she will always be my mother.
"I just wish she could see it." I sigh. "I wish she could be herself and then change. But I don't know if she can."
"So do I, but unfortunately, some people will never change, my daisy. Some people stay stuck in their unblossomed states. Some people have been stung too many times with the poison and that's all they can spew. Some people will always be like Venus flytraps—"
"Nick, you're going into nature analogies again," I point out.
"It's all for a purpose, my daisy," he replies. "My point is, your mother is like a wasp: doesn't bring anything to nature, scary and can fucking sting because she's a vile being. I don't think she'll ever change even if she wanted to. You don't need a wasp in your life because it'll compromise the sunshine you need to blossom—"
"Wasps don't compromise sunshine, Nick."
"Shush, I'm doing well here, let me finish!" He chuckles before carrying on with his weird analogy. "So, we eradicate the problem and send the wasps away. If it doesn't bring goodness to your life, we don't need it even if it's hard to do."
"I mean, I can sit here and pick holes in your weird analogy, but I appreciate the effort," I reply.
"Please just appreciate it, because I don't have the brainpower to think up a perfect analogy right now," he snorts.
"Nick?"
"Hm?"
"I love you," I whisper. "I can't wait to marry you. I wish we could just... do it."
He inhales and sighs. "Aspen, are you bothered about the white dress and the pomp and circumstance?"
I think about it. What girl doesn't dream of a massive white dress and a big show? I mean... I haven't ever thought about it. I know I don't want the church and carriage.
"Not really. I mean, I don't want the church. The white dress is neither here nor there for me. I just want... to be married to you."
"Marriage to you, it doesn't scare you after Joel?"
"I've thought about it, my dad asked me the same thing. But this isn't the same thing for me at all. I want to be married to you, I want us to be a legal family. I love you, and I want to show you that—"
"My daisy you don't need to marry me to show me your commitment. I want to marry you because I want us to legally be a family, I want to have it in writing. I don't want you to ever think that we have to do this to prove our love to each other."
"I don't think like that. I mean, for me it's a sign of commitment and I want to do that off my own back. I want to be Mrs Knight. I... I was thinking about maybe... another baby. Or well, a baby."
He falls silent.
Have I said the wrong thing?
"What... what were you thinking about a baby?" he asks. There's not much of a tone to his voice, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
I glance away. "I don't know... when I realised I was in love with you, I could see us in the future... you know, married with kids in a house with a garden. I... marriage doesn't frighten me. It never has because it's not marriage that was wrong with Joel and me. It was what we were. The thing about a baby is that... there's a difference. We're in a relationship and engaged. I... I look at you, and us, and I want it all. I never felt that way about Joel. But... I'd love to raise a baby with you."
He tilts my chin so those amber eyes fire into mine with determination. "I mean... okay. I would love nothing morethan to have a baby with you, my daisy. Especially making the baby—"
"Nicholas!" I tap his arm lightly.
He laughs before carrying on. "But in all seriousness, I'd love to start a family, my daisy. But right now... I think we should get married first. After we get married, we'll have that discussion, okay?"
I nod. "That seems fair enough."
"As for marriage... let's do it. Let's just... get married."
"What? Now? We have to—"
"Well, yes, there are steps we have to take, but why wait? We live together, we know we want to, we both just agreed we don't care about the whole showy thing. If we both don't want this massive circus of a wedding, then why not? If you want a dress, we can get one. But marriage is what we make it. I don't want any of this forced or religious ideal thrown on us. If we want it, we do it."
I smile at him before pressing my lips to his with my answer stamped on.
"I love you."
"Is that an answer?" Nick chuckles against my mouth.
"It's a yes, let's get married," I answer.
"I could think of nothing better, my daisy."
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