Wandering through the aisles, my tired brain began to shut down as I tried to tot up my groceries before adding them to the basket. It had been an unnerving realisation when I'd stopped at the ATM that morning, finding that my savings had already been hit hard, the money needed to live out here alone was making a sizable dent in what I had, and with nothing else coming in, I was starting to worry about how long I'd be able to manage alone.
Before moving out here, I was sure that I could have landed a job or two by this time. That I'd have had promising auditions which could have led to an influx of work in the near future, and maybe even started to put my name on the map. But as I stood in the middle of the grocery store, a pack of saver ham clutched in my hand, I was forced to start facing reality. That getting discovered in LA was going to be harder than I thought. My stomach growled at the sight of the measly gathering of food I'd collected. Hunger winning out, I tossed the ham into my basket and added some cheese for good measure, heading straight toward the checkout right after.
Who needs proper food, when you can survive on sandwiches and toasties. I groaned internally, already torturing myself by imagining the delicious dinners that I used to indulge in back home.
Throwing my bags into the trunk, I hopped in and set off for home, eager to return and get some food before committing to rehearsals for the rest of the day. I'd risen early this morning, and with determination, managed to find a good audition prospect that I would attend tomorrow. The part wasn't the main role, but a recurring side character would still have the potential to put me on the radar and bring in some much-needed money. The sooner I could get back home to practice, the better, at least that was my hope. Sadly the city of Los Angeles missed out on the memo regarding my important activities, and nightmare traffic was in full force, blocking my path home, and forcing me to endure snail pace progression forward.
"Ugh, come on!" I snapped, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel impatiently and tilting my head to the side in an attempt to see how far the queue stretched.
My phone screen flashed into life on the dashboard, Ross's face popping up into existence. I resisted answering for a few moments, scared about how the call would go and whether it was a wise move to answer it here or not, but the longer that I looked at the photograph of the man I loved, the more my heart ached for him, and I hurriedly answered it before it could ring off.
"Hey," I said, accepting the call, just as a loud horn sounded outside the window. "Shit!" I winced, ducking away from the window, "Bloody idiot!"
"Did I get you at a bad time?" Ross asked, sounding somewhat amused.
"Nope. I'm pretty free right about now," I replied, adding under my breath: "And for the foreseeable future."
"How so?"
"Oh, this amazing thing called, LA traffic," I said with biting sarcasm.
"Is it wrong to be glad I'm not having to deal with that?" He asked teasingly.
"Yes!" I exclaimed, "You're amused by my suffering, you asshole."
I tried to sound pissed at him, but couldn't manage it as a chuckle fought its way free, leaving me sounding more like a petulant child.
"If it helps at all, I'm suffering too, baby."
"Well, I hope it's painful," I sniped playfully.
"It is. You see, my beautiful girlfriend is thousands of miles away, and I miss her."
Just like that, the awkwardness from the night before vanished, and my resentful mood, and pure loathing for the occupant of every surrounding car, was gone. An embarrassingly smug smile snuck its way across my face, leaving me grinning like a Cheshire Cat.
"I miss you too," I said affectionately.
"I didn't say it was you, did I?"
"You jerk!" I burst out, listening to him roaring with laughter on the other end. "Way to ruin a moment."
"I'm gonna pay for that someday aren't I?"
"Definitely, and it won't be pleasant."
I was relieved by the easy flow of our conversation, but still, it did nothing to soothe my worries regarding how long I was going to have to try to maintain everything by myself out here. I didn't want to ruin the good mood, it had been a stressful time already, and the pleasant exchange was the highlight of my week. But even as I mentally warned myself to shut up, my mouth refused to obey, and the question slipped free before I could stop it:
"Have you asked about when you can come over?"
The falling silence answered the question before he could, and I rolled my eyes, biting my lip to stop myself from saying something stupid to reflect my irritation at both myself and him.
"No, not since I spoke to Arielle the other day. She said it's a whole process, it takes time, and depending on availability, it could be anywhere between three weeks, or six months."
"Six months?" I repeated in horror.
"Hopefully shorter," He interjected quickly.
"Hopefully? That doesn't sound very definite. It can't be longer, right?"
"I doubt it, but we knew this wasn't an exact science before you left. I'll be out there as soon as I can, and it might not even be months at all. Just think about the positives, we'll be together soon, and then everything will fall into place."
I was sure that he was right, but I hated that it could be that long. I was already feeling lonely out here, and with the money running lower day by day, it was going to be tight to cover costs single-handedly. We'd only expected the transfer period to take a couple of weeks, so stretching it on for months was way beyond what I'd budgeted for.
"Lena? You still there?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"Is there something else that's bothering you about this? I get the feeling you're not telling me something," He asked.
I wasn't surprised that he could tell there was more. He'd always had a knack for reading between the lines. But even as I opened my mouth to tell him, the memory of my mother's words to me rendered me silent. She'd been less than supportive of my move when I'd announced it, sure to enforce upon me just how hard it would be, and how naive I was for imagining that I stood a chance. The unbearable thought of word getting back to her that I was struggling already, was a far worse thing to consider than the current issues I was facing.
"No," I lied, "It's just gonna suck without you."
When I finally made it home, I tried to push everything else from my mind. I could allow no distractions right now. Everything that I had to deal with would have to wait. From bills and expenses to relationship dilemmas and family issues. The only thing that mattered right now, was the sheet of paper clutched between my hands, and my lines, freshly highlighted in bright pink ink.
You can do this. You have to nail this audition.
I repeated the mantra until I felt calm and collected, then with a flourish, I began with the first run-through of the night.
By midnight, I'd learned the scene by heart, and my lines now lay discarded on the sofa as I acted out the scene across the living room, sure to remain in sight of the floor-length mirror on the wall so I could ensure I had the right emotional expression for each line. When the final line was done, I retreated to bed, tired, yet optimistic, sure that the following day would bring my first official job in the industry into my grasp.