I am packing some of my clothes.
Tyler offered to give me a ride to airport. He is also helping me pack my stuff.
"So you're really doing this huh?" He spoke casually.
"I have to.." I replied.
"You guys just announced your relationship months ago. He's going to be so heartbroken. Are you going to tell him about Sarah?" He asked curiously.
I shook my head.
"I don't think he needs to know about that." I replied in a low voice.
"Well okay, I hope things go well for you." He said while patting my shoulder.
"How are you and Lucas?" I asked curiously.
The day Tyler went to get his things on Lucas house, they sort of had a talk and decided to forget about their previous misunderstanding.
"We're taking a break. To be honest, I'm not sure if I still want to get back together. We had a talk and we both decide that we weren't ready to live together. I agree with him." He replied.
"I thought you guys will try to make it work again?" I asked.
"Maybe.. He's acting like we're friends who occasionally flirt. I'm not buying that crap. I still care about him but my feelings aren't as strong as they were before. I'm actually thinking of going to LA. Just come and visit me if you want to hangout or whatever." He replied.
He's was very calm about everything.
"Yeah sure.. but you are always welcome to stay with me you know." I said smiling.
He mess with my hair.
"Oh Olivia.. I can't have another stupid dating rumor with you again. People will go crazy and make nonsense theories on why you and Ivan split up." He said it jokingly.
But I realize just how true that was.
Right after we announce our relationship, fans were totally crazy about it. They keep on tweeting and posting stuff online.
"Hey.. don't worry too much. It may become a headline for a day, a week or a month but people eventually gets over it. So cheer up. If you really want to end your relationship with Ivan then do it. It's your life. Do what makes you happy." He said softly.
It means a lot to hear that from him.
I don't want to hurt Ivan but I can't also keep pretending that I still feel the same as before.
After I finished packing, I went to Sarah's office to tell her that I'm already leaving. She wanted to give me a ride to the airport but I decline. I know she is against me leaving and she kept trying to talk me out of it every chance she got.
I just kept assuring her that my only reason for meeting Ivan is to end our relationship and nothing more.
She reluctantly let me leave after some time.
---
A few days later,
I'm finally in front of Ivan's hotel room.
I ring the bell a few times.
I didn't bring a lot of things with me. I begin to feel nervous when I heard the sound of the door opening.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"Via? Love??" His sweet and gentle voice made me feel awkward.
He was so happy to see me.
And all I'm feeling right now is guilt.
"Ivan.. hi" I finally response as I force myself to look back at his eyes.
"You're here? You're really here right now? in England?" He said while mildly pinching his right cheek to make sure he wasn't just dreaming.
I held his hand to stop himself from pinching his cheeks.
"Yes.. I'm here." I replied with a half hearted smile.
Now I'm feeling more anxious and discourage.
He's been so good to me and he doesn't deserve to get hurt.
"Wow.. I'm so glad to see you. Why didn't you tell me you were planning to go here? I thought you can't leave the country?" He pull as we get inside his room.
"Yes.. I know I should contacted you first but I didn't want to do it over phone. Sorry for not telling you beforehand." I replied. I sat on the couch while he got me something to drink.
"We just about to wrap up from filming. Just minor editing I guess. I don't think there's anymore to do. We can visit some good places around and have fun. I know we couldn't do it in Thailand but we can do it here now." He said while giving me a big hug.
His arms are so big and warm.
I closed my eyes again.
I can't bring myself to say the words that I need to say to him.
It didn't feel like it was the right time.
I couldn't break his heart when he is too happy right now.
"Where are your things?" He asked curiously.
"Um.. I'm staying in a different hotel." I reasoned.
"You don't have to, you can stay in my room." He replied smiling.
"I already got the room. It's okay." I replied while avoiding eye contact.
"I–Ivan.. there's something.." I was interrupted by a phone call.
"Wait a sec.. I have to take this." Ivan said as he walk away leaving me in the couch feeling disheartened.
I got a message from Sarah. She was wondering if I already met Ivan and if I'm doing okay.
I gave her a short reply that I'm already in England and that I'm still trying to get the right time to tell Ivan.
After a few minutes, Ivan came back to talk to me.
"Sorry about that, some of the guys wants to have a drink." He mentioned.
He was referring to his cast mates.
"You should join them." I replied encouraging him to have some fun.
He shook his head.
"Oh it's fine.. I'll rather spend some time with you." He replied sweetly.
This is only making me feel worse.
"Actually, I have to go back to my hotel early today. I didn't get enough sleep. Please, don't worry about me. Go out with your friends. We have time tomorrow." I reasoned.
I'm just making excuses now because I don't want to hurt him.
"Oh okay.. I should at least drive you there." He offered.
"I'm fine.. I already have a ride." I replied.
My stomach twitching. I don't know how long I can look at Ivan without feeling guilty.
I hug him quickly and went out of his room.
I speed walk away without turning another glance. I feel so heavy inside. This was a lot harder than I thought.
---
I lay down on my bed feeling burden by my thoughts.
How should I actually handle this? I wish there was some kind of manual. How to break up without hurting the other person?
Everytime Ivan is smiling at me, I lose the courage to speak.
I closed my eyes and thought about all the memories I had with Ivan.
The time when we first started working together until we became good friends. He's been so good to me.
I also recall the time he start courting me and when he slowly won my heart. He's always been my source of security.
How did I end up here? I asked myself.
I should be able to tell him tomorrow. I can't keep delaying it. It will only make things harder.
I look at my phone and got a message from Ivan and Sarah.
I groaned frustratingly.
I close my eyes and fell asleep with a heavy heart.
The next morning, I got up early to meet Ivan.
I waited in the lobby.
He said he wanted to visit some places around. I think I should at least enjoy this time I have with him because this might be the last time. He'll probably end up hating me after this day ends.
He wave his hand at me as he approach me at the lobby.
"Morning love.." he said sweetly.
I move my head so that his kiss will land on my cheek instead of my lips.
Thankfully, he didn't think weirdly about my action. He then wrap his arm on my shoulder as we walk.
We spend most of our time walking and taking some photos and eating snacks.
He shared stories about his training and how he prepared for his action scenes. He was overall excited about the movie. I couldn't really focus and I was mostly distracted because I didn't know how to break up with him.
I'm too much of a coward.
He notice how distracted I am.
"Love.. are you alright?" He asked softly.
I gave him a slight nod and force myself to smile.
"I know a good bar around. Let's go?" He said while he extend his arms forward.
I took his hand hesitantly.
It's already evening and still I haven't found the courage to speak up.
After an hour drive, we reach the bar that Ivan mentioned.
It was a karaoke bar.
"This place is really nice." He mentioned while whispering behind my ear.
He ordered drinks for us.
"C'mon, let's sing a song together." He said cheerfully.
I couldn't turn him down. He pull me out of my seat and walk towards the stage.
He pick a song for us.
And that's when we start singing "When the party's over by Billie Eilish" Usually the songs we sing are completely random.
But tonight it felt different for me. Every words in the lyrics made me deeply emotional.
Don't you know I'm no good for you?
I've learned to lose you, can't afford to
Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'
But nothin' ever stops you leavin'
Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that
(My voice keep shaking as I sing the song. I couldn't even hide the pain I was feeling.)
Don't you know too much already?
I'll only hurt you if you let me
Call me friend but keep me closer (call me back)
And I'll call you when the party's over
(I couldn't stare at his eyes because I could feel my tears about to well up on me.)
But nothin' is better sometimes
Once we've both said our goodbyes
Let's just let it go
Let me let you go
(I knew I could no longer keep this going.)
I didn't get to finish the song cause I speed walk outside of the bar.
Ivan followed me shortly. He was worried and confused of my action.
I was already so emotional.
"What's going on? What's wrong Via?" His voice remain calm and gentle but with concern for me.
"Ivan I'm sorry.." I said my voice cracked.
He walk closer to me.
"What do you mean you're sorry? Why are you getting so emotional? What's going on?" He asked. His expression slightly change from concern to a bit sad.
I closed my eyes.
"We have to break up. You deserve better than me.." I said as my voice got worse every time I speak. It quivers uncontrollably.
He shook his head in disbelief when I open my eyes to see his reaction.
"What?" He asked confused.
"I'm really sorry Ivan. I can't do this anymore." I said while I couldn't control the tears in my eyes from flowing.
He furrow his eyebrows.
"Why are you saying this? C'mon let's just talk about this inside my hotel." He said while he attempt to take my hand.
I took a step back.
"No.. I really just came here in England to tell you this. I can't lie to you anymore. Something has changed. You deserve better. I'm not that person. I'm just not.." I reasoned.
"What brought this change? Because I'm here? Because we couldn't spend time together like before? Do you know how you sound like now?! Those cruel ex we had from the past. Tell me.. why are you really breaking up with me??" He is now very upset and didn't hide it anymore.
"Ivan please... I don't want to do this. I'm really sorry." I said as I start to run away leaving him there on his own.
I went back to my hotel room feeling more guilty than I was.
He is right. I'm no different from her ex and Sarah. I'm a hypocrite..
He kept calling me but I didn't have the strength to reasoned with him. I just lay down on my bed feeling awful.
The next morning, my phone keep beeping and ringing.
I got missed calls and messages from both Ivan and Sarah but mostly Ivan.
Then I got another incoming call from Tyler.
I press the button and receive his call. I really don't know how to deal with this break up. I wish things weren't complicated. I'm beginning to regret my decision.
Hurting Ivan wasn't something I can deal with.
I sighed and bring my phone closer.
"Oh I finally reach you. How's everything out there? Ivan called me. He said he couldn't reach you. He's been begging me for information. He wanted to meet you right now. He didn't sound good on the phone. I think he's been crying." He said.
"I already ended things with him Ty.." I said weakly.
I think I'm already losing my voice. I've been crying all night.
"Are you okay?" He asked concerned.
"I don't know.. I feel awful. Am I making the right decision? What if this was a mistake?" I'm already questioning myself.
I'm too conflicted right now.
"I can't answer that Olivia. You're the only one who knows how you truly feel for Ivan and Sarah." He replied gently.
I closed my eyes again.
"Anyway, can you meet up with Ivan for the last time? I feel bad for him. I think he's been up all night. He has too many missed calls on my phone." He said.
"I don't know what to say.. I can't bear to see him sad." I replied sincerely.
"Do you need me to come over there?" He asked softly.
"No, it's fine. I'll have my flight back later tonight.
"Ivan and I are over. I wish he can find happiness soon. I really don't deserve him. I think it's best if we don't see each other. It's already bad as it is." I replied.
"Okay.. I understand. Take care of yourself. I know this is really hard for you." He said before we end the call.
"Thank you Ty." I said lastly.
I spend the rest of the day sulking on my bed and with a heavy heart, I start deleting my photos with Ivan.
I took a bath and wear a casual dress. I put on my make up and wear a sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. I go straight to the airport.
This is really happening. I just hope I made the right choice.
I held my ticket and walk inside when I reach the airport.
I feel so tired and exhausted from crying the whole day.
Just when I'm about to walk towards the counter. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"I've been waiting for you."
I didn't even have to turn when I heard his voice. I knew it was Ivan.
"You can't just go like this. I still need to know why.." Ivan said almost whispering.
His voice was very low and sad.
"Ivan.." I called out his name vulnerably.
"Why do you want to break up? What did I do?" He asked pleading.
I looked away from him.
"Please Ivan.. I already told you. You deserve better. Please just let me go. I'm not good enough for you." I replied weakly.
He suddenly hug me tight while he kept shaking his head.
"I can't accept that. I love you so much.. why do you keep saying that I deserve better. Don't you love me anymore?" He spoke like he was in pain.
I push him away gently.
"I love you.. that's why I'm doing this. I can't lie to you anymore. I can't be with you." I replied hoping that he will listen and just let me leave.
"No! Please let's fix this. If you go now... It will be over between us." He said helplessly.
I gulp hard knowing how true those words were.
"There's someone else.. I'm really sorry." I finally confess.
I knew it will break his heart but he deserves to know the truth.
"Who?!" He asked loudly.
I look around.
We're already causing a scene.
"I have to go. It doesn't matter who... I'm really sorry but we can't continue this relationship. I'm sorry Ivan." I replied lastly before I turn around and walk away.
This was probably one of the hardest decision I ever have to make.
I wish the best for you Ivan.