There is this look. It's nothing special but a shy glance from eyes to lips and back to eyes with a small smile tugging at the corner of the lips. It's a look that tells me that Diane wants to kiss but is too shy to take the initiative. That shocked me a little considering her bold move to kiss me started us. But this time without hesitation, I lean in to plant my lips on hers. It started as a slow nice kiss, a soft one. Somehow, somewhere that changed and within seconds I found myself sucking Diane's neck with one hand underneath her shirt and Diane pushed me back. She is not angry. Her face is beet red and she is not meeting my eyes. I know I fucked up, I just cannot figure out how and why. I do know she was into the kiss, I did not force her but I am sure I pushed her over the edge.
"I am just... I am not ready." Diane says, confusing me further.
Before I can question her, a shrill noise alerts me. Jumping up, I realize I am on my bed and dreaming. The sound of the alarm wakes me up because it is Monday and I have school. Sighing, I remember my dream or the memory of the event from yesterday's picnic. Even my memory of it seems confusing. I still do not know what Diane meant and when I became sort of aggressive. But I was aggressive that much I am certain of.
Freshening up in a daze I keep replaying the moment over and over in my head. Diane's words keep replaying in my head, twisting them to an extent making me feel extremely guilty of something that did not even happen. But my mind pretty much makes it certain that I believe it did.
"I just... don't...not here. I am... uh... no. First Kiss.... not used to....sorry. I yeah." Incoherent words from Diane, that is all I got in terms of explanation. Or maybe she said something sensible then which my mind has twisted by now.
Running the events over and over in my head, I arrive at school. I know Tori knew something was up while she drove me to school but I am glad she did not ask me much. As soon as I step into the deafening hallways of my high school, dread fills me. Not because of yesterday or the event. For the first time in hours, this dread is because of the school work. More like how much behind I am. Again. Playing catch up has become a second nature to me at this point yet I suck at it. Charlie gave me most of the homework and classwork but I could only do a little bit of it yesterday evening after my date. And now, all I can think is how I am going to die with the pressure of textbooks on me. Yay me!
"Girl you ready for this week?" Amy chirrups. Too bright, too early, too cheerful. I grunt at her. "Seems like someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Amy chuckles.
"Try someone is scared to see how much she missed last week," Charlie adds on joining us. I glare at her. How dare she taunt me when she knows I am all but dead. "Come on let's get this over with, yeah?" With that Charlie pulls me with her to the first period. Also known as homeroom. Need a breather now.
Not much of a breather since I all but spent homeroom doing some of the classwork I needed to before second period. And from then the saga started, all the teachers asked me to stay back to ask if I was given the classwork and homework from last week and then they added some more to help me understand. All in all, my locker is full now and my brain is a mush. And I am dead. Too much work. I feel like I need a week to catch up from last week. Ugh!
The whole day went just like this, except during lunch for some odd reason Amy joined us. And weirdly no one questioned it as if that is normal. Well June and Jake were busy giving each other heart eyes and Alice was glaring or pretending to puke. Charlie was staring at me and I was trying to catch a glimpse of Diane, who seemed to have disappeared today. But this started the chain effect for this week. Somehow, I just knew then that the whole week would be like this. Ending with me dying in my room trying to finish as much homework as possible from the previous week so I could start this week's, this weekend. Only good thing is Charlie came over almost every day and we did our work together. That helped me understand where I had doubts considering we share almost all the classes. And it also told me that my sister is a freaking genius whereas I am barely mediocre and she does not understand that. I don't think Tori or Liz considered how bad I am, when they planned that trip in the middle of the week.
Finally, it is Friday and as soon as I step into school, I learn that there is some meeting for which the first two hours are canceled. I would have preferred to know this before but I am glad for the time to finally be able to finish the homework and stop playing catch up. Charlie joins me as usual. The girl knew yet she came to school early, I have no idea why. None of our other friends are here or even awake as we texted in the group and no one even saw it. Well except Mark, he said he was on his way to school. He has been a little off lately. Well, not off, just different. Smiling, texting, and smiling. This is just in school, I have no idea how he behaved outside considering I did not meet anyone outside school besides Charlie who I all but kidnapped and took to my house everyday after school. She was happy though, even now as she helps me with this work. This girl is another genius and is very patient considering the dumb questions I ask from time to time.
"So... anything new with you and Diane?" Charlie asks suddenly when I close the Algebra book. Finally done with all the work related to it. In fact, now I am a bit ahead, thanks to Charlie, herself.
"What do you mean?" I ask without even looking at her.
"You know, you said you were meeting her last Sunday then I did not hear from you regarding that meeting nor did I see you two talking this whole week at school. And I know for a fact you did not meet her afterwards considering you and I spent the whole evening together till its time for bed. That reminds me, we are not studying the whole evening today also, my dad was pulling my leg today about if I stay at home or not considering he has not seen me for a week it seems." I look up at Charlie to see the amused expression she hosts. I smile too, her smile really is contagious.
"Well, you can tell your dad that your kidnapper happens to be an idiot and needs lots of help in school work. And that she shall return you to your home soon, but maybe after the weekend." I smirk at her Charlie widens her eyes.
"Are you serious?" I shrug.
"I plan to finish all the leftover homework and everything this weekend and maybe even try to go ahead like we did with Algebra."
"That's actually not a bad idea but don't you think you should factor in the girl you are kind of seeing. Considering it is the weekend and all." I look at Charlie tentatively before relenting. "Unless you don't want to."
"I want to, it's just that..." I trail off.
"Something happened?" I nod, a slight one but Charlie spots it. "Tell me maybe I can be of some help." I give her a small smile.
"Nothing much, and I probably made a bigger deal out of it than it was. And now it's been almost a week and we have not really talked." Charlie nods and signals me to go ahead. "So on Sunday Diane planned a picnic for us, well not a picnic considering we met after lunch, anyway, it was all good. We talked and had fun, eating snacks, feeding birds. Then uh...." I paused to gauge Charlie's reaction. She raises her eyebrows.
"Well go on then, don't leave me hanging now." She rolls her eyes.
"Headache Lee, remember." She makes a face which kind of means 'as if'. Chuckling, I continue. "So, we uh kissed. Well, I kissed her this time and I would say it became a little more... aggressive shall we call it. Then Diane sort of pushed me off her and mumbled incoherent words. She did not seem angry though but I have no idea. I am sure I ruined whatever it was though."
"When you say aggressive you mean?" Charlie asks, studying my face.
"I mean... I guess we were making out, you know not a sweet simple kiss. Diane uh... seemed into it, but then she pushed me off. I can't... It's uh...." I trail off.
"So nothing sexual happened?" Charlie asks, making me widen my eyes.
"No, of course not. Why would you even think that?" Charlie shrugs. "It's a genuine question. But I do feel she just felt too embarrassed and maybe the park was not a good idea... you know for making out."
"I suppose you are right. I should talk to her, right?"
"Duh! I am kinda mad that you haven't actually. But then again, I know how you were drawing in school work."
"See you get me."
"Shut up, Kris. Now text your girl to meet first then let's continue on. I so do not want to spend my weekend studying." Charlie groans.
"See it this way, if we study and get ahead, we might be able to relax next week. After all, homecoming is right around the corner."
"Shit, I forgot about it." I chuckle as Charlie and I both get back to studying. Another hour or two of doing school work in my free time. Yay, life!
I text Diane to meet, and she immediately responds that she wants to meet at lunch. That makes me think I have been a jerk. Not only did I do whatever I did that Sunday, but I also pulled back and did not text her all week afterwards. She must have been spiralling bad. I am an asshole. There is no other explanation.
Lunch comes around, and with it comes our meeting. To say I was nervous would be a lie. I know it's just Diane and it probably won't be bad but still, I feel dread overcoming me. Without giving in, I march on to the bleachers where we decided to meet. Apparently, no one goes to the field during lunch, as if I don't know that but I am not telling Diane that. I walk up to the empty bleachers and get myself settled, with my food as I wait for Diane. It will take her minutes considering Seniors get their lunch hour a little later than us. I am almost done with my food when Diane appears. She looks exactly how she always looks, plastic, fake, polite smile adorning her bow-shaped lips, her hair swaying side to side as she walks up to me. Her face, full of make-up, lathered in it more like it. Her simple blue top, paired with a smart skirt makes her look gorgeous and beautiful yet radiates the power she has over the people at our school.
"Hey," Diane says, as she takes her place on my right. Taking out a small sandwich, she starts devouring it. I raise my eyebrows at her. "What? I am hungry."
"I didn't say that. I just thought it would be a bigger sandwich. I can see how hungry you are. Want me to get you something more?" I ask, Diane looks at me weirdly, with a side-eye. Study me for a minute before shaking her head.
"Thank you, Kris." I nod and wave it off. "So, how have you been?" Diane asks, almost in a whisper.
"I have been dead, dying, whatever you want to call it. There was too much homework and classwork that I missed and all my teachers thought it was best to give me more. You know to help out because of what I missed last week. It was not helpful. I died. Plain and simple." I sigh. Diane laughs.
"Figured as much since your friends even said no one saw you except Charlie all week."
"Yeah, I pretty much kidnapped that girl for a week. She helped me understand most of the things. Let me tell you that girl is a fucking saint. She has the patience to teach an idiot like me who sometimes has a memory of goldfish. She explained things and helped me do the homework while doing her own. And I pretty much destroyed her mental sanity with as much studying as we did."
"Sounds like Charlie needs a break and maybe we should go out today. You know today being Friday and all." I shrug.
"I suppose, she already told me she won't spend today studying. So..." Diane laughs.
"So... about Sunday." I look at Diane for a second and before she can say anything I launch into my apology.
"I am so sorry Diane. I never meant to offend you, to hurt you. I am so sorry, I have no idea why I became that aggressive and what came over me. I can just apologize and hope you forgive me. I just... I am so sorry Diane. You are pretty cool and I like whatever this is what we have, you are...nice and I would rather not destroy this over my stupidity. Unless of course, I have already managed to do so. Please tell me I have not destroyed this." I beg her.
Diane blinks rapidly for a few minutes. And the more times she blinks the more scared I get. "Kris." She finally starts and I can feel the heart beating rapidly and almost out of my chest. I can feel the anxiousness radiating off me.
"Kris. I... okay. How do I say this? So you know how I never really asked a girl out?" I nod. "Yeah, so I have not really kissed anyone either. A small peck during spin the bottle does not count. I did not count it. So..."
"Wait, are you telling me I am your first kiss?" I ask, shock prevalent in my voice.
"That's precisely what I was trying to tell you on Sunday but my stupid brain had other thoughts and it uh... jumbled up words." I regard Diane for a second. She is red again and is not making eye contact but I can see she is telling the truth but that does not even make sense.
"Wait hold up, you are braver than I am. Or anyone I know. You kissed me that night. You mean that was your first kiss?" I ask, Diane just nods. "Damn girl. You are awesome. Just know this."
"Thanks uh... thanks, Kris." Diane says extremely shyly. "So when you uh... you know.... it kind of uh... freaked me out. And we were at a park... so like ....yeah. And um... I don't think I am making much sense. Gosh, why do you do this to me?"
"Huh? What did I do?"
"You render me a blubbering mess." I raise my eyebrows at her. "Dammit. Okay, so I like you in case it wasn't obvious by now." Diane states looking at the ground. I nod. Not really sure how to respond.
"I like you too Diane, if that was not obvious." I finally say after a few seconds.
"Really?" Diane asks, making me confused.
"Wait of course. Why else would I go out on a date with you? Why else would I kiss you?" Diane giggles.
"I am not that experienced Kris. I have no idea most of the time what is going on, and how to act. Or even what to do."
"Is fine Diane. I am asking you to be. I am glad you are who you are."
"Are you though? Because if we do this Kris, I would ask you to go slow. I am not... I don't... I am not used to it... I just... need time yeah."
"Sure. I have no problem. We will go at your pace and I never will ask you to do something you are not comfortable with."
"Are you sure Kris?" Diane asks again regarding me with pain-filled eyes.
"Of course. I like you, Diane. You are pretty cool and I would like to get to know you more, if you allow me, that is. And I mean you as a person."
"Okay... then I have a question for you."
"Sure."
"Will you be my girlfriend Kris?" Diane asks, making my eyes bulge out.
"What? Are you sure?"
"It's okay if you are not ready to answer but I can't... I just... I need you to be my girlfriend to kiss... I feel weird....otherwise... you know." Diane splutters.
"Of course. I meant sure as in you surely want me to be your girlfriend?" Diane rolls her eyes.
"Duh!"
"So girlfriend. What's the plan for today?"
"Well, go for homecoming dance shopping with my girl."
"Sounds like a nice plan Di." Diane smiled shyly at me.
"Girlfriend, would you like to go to HoCo with me?" Diane asks, shocking me yet again.
"How the hell did you chicken out before asking girls out? You are fierceness." Diane widens her eyes, shrugging as a small smile slips on her lips. "Of course girlfriend, I would love to go with you." I smile and kiss her side of the head, shocking her before she turns redder than before. "You know you are too cute when you get shy." Diane just rolls her eyes at me. I pull her to me to hug her as we stay like this for the rest of the lunch periods just basking in, taking in the new relationship. Diane is cute, smart, and sexy and unlike how she pretends to be, she is not fake or plastic. She is very much fragile and gets embarrassed easily. I guess I should remember that from now on, considering she is my girlfriend as of five minutes ago.
School comes to an end shockingly without much more happening. I guess my getting into a relationship is more than enough for today. Apparently, my friends did not question much about my whereabouts during lunch. Why? That's simple. Charlie told them I was at the library finishing some homework instead of even hinting at the truth. I guess it is fine. Can talk to Diane about telling people later on. Today I should just rejoice about the fact that I have a girlfriend. Just as the smile slips on my face, a sudden wave of sadness gut-punches me. Physically pushing me back. A shocking reminder of my reality, my present. And the stark difference between what could have been. I have a girlfriend now, I kind of like her. She is good but she can never be her. I don't want Diane to be her. But... this huge as but that looms over my head. The sole reason I didn't really want to have a girlfriend. Guess, the recent events kind of made me forget the reason for a second and Diane pushed through. And I relented. I can never give Diane my heart, but I guess I should see where this goes. She is a nice, cute girl and as much of an asshole as I am. I should not break her heart without even trying.
"So, you coming or what?" Diane asks, breaking me of my trance. I kind of forgot about the shopping trip Diane planned. "Oh, I invited Charlie to come with us, figured the girl needed a break." I roll my eyes but smile.
"Thanks." I just say and walk with Diane to her car. I can see the cheer squad looking weird but I do not care. I spot Charlie walking, rather hurrying up to us. She gives a huge smile as she reaches us.
"Thank you Diane for forcing Kris to go shopping. I was scared. Scared!" Charlie enunciates the last word portraying how much I scared her. I roll my eyes at her. "Headache, Kris. Headache." Smirking, I wave her off. Diane gets in the driver's seat, smiling at our banter.
"Ready to go shopping guys?" Diane asks enthusiastically. We both nod at different levels of enthusiasm. Just then the door opens as Amy steps into Diane's car, beside Charlie.
"Hi, thank you for inviting me, Diane," Amy says, settling in nicely. Charlie and I lock eyes through the mirror before I turn to look at Diane.
"She kind of invited herself when I asked Charlie to join us." Diane shrugs. I just raise my eyebrows at her. "Amy is cool, she and I .... well we knew each other for a while." I nod. "We never really hung out well in the years before high school. We used to be inseparable before." Diane smiles.
"Damn. Wait, is it because you joined the cheer squad?" I ask as Charlie nods.
"Kind of, but also cause I changed... myself. You know, to fit in and all. Amy always was braver and stayed the same but I... well we drifted apart but now thanks to Kris being a medium we reconnected. And I am... thankful."
"I am glad?" I question, not at all sure how to respond.
"No seriously Kris. I am glad. I missed Diane." Amy says, patting my shoulder. I pat her hand back on my shoulder and smile at her genuinely.
"No, let's get this party on the road. We have shopping to do. No more being soppy or homework. It's a Friday after all." Charlie says. This kind of sparks Diane in the direction to start the car. With a look she gives me, we are off. I just know this will be a shopping trip I remember for years to come. I might be imagining it but going shopping to buy a dress for Homecoming with my girlfriend, and Charlie and Amy is ...wow not something I would have ever expected. And I expect it to be an evening I will remember for a long time. But in a good way.