TW: talks of Blood, sadness, death, bittersweet feeling like dark chocolate.
Since I have 3 AP test coming up that I am not ready for, we're going back to one chapter a week for a bit.
BUT
If we get 15k views and 1K votes on Ikigai, I'll post the chapters early plus the Senya x reader earlier or extra side chapter.
Ily take care of yourself before I have to yell at you to >:(
***
You know, dying today wasn't something I had planned.
It's inescapable for everyone, of course. I didn't think I'd have to be worrying about it at seventeen, almost eighteen.
When it happened, there was a kinda rush to it. Maybe that feeling that skydivers felt when jumping out of a plane or shooting the winning goal at some big-ass championships.
Not that I have ever felt either of those or like I will anytime soon.
A few minutes ago, I was at the grocery store. Stuck in the baking section looking for my sister's favorite cake flavor so Nejire and I could make it for her. Even grabbed an ice coffee bottle so she wouldn't complain about her coffee withdraws. It didn't matter if she passed or failed the test.
Who honestly gives a fuck when she was achieving goals that some couldn't.
When I was paying, I complimented the older lady on her pins. She grinned, gave a story on how her grandchildren gave them to her. I stood there the entire time because her story made me smile )I know, so manly of me). But she ended up giving me half off my items and I didn't want to spend it aimlessly so I paid for the person behind me.
But here I am now. Ten minutes later, bleeding, bruised. Like some morbid water fountain. I shouldn't joke about that.
The patches that I so desperately tried to retouch were ripping open.
Death was awaiting me. Yet I wasn't ready for that.
There was much more to look forward to. A life beyond the one I knew that could have been better with time. But it seemed like that time was running out.
My body and mind were different.
My body: seconds away from becoming limp, lifeless. The spew of everything I held in coming out within the seconds of being stabbed.
My mind: holding onto the last memories I had as if I were rewinding a movie. Taking in this situation as a dream I'd soon wake up from. Like pinching myself would bring me back to my dorm with Nejire at my side.
But one of those two had to win, or already had for that fact. Because the reality of it was that'd maybe never give my sister another ice coffee. Nejire would walk to class alone or with another guy by her side.
Dying met I'd miss out on a lot now.
I'd miss the moment my sister would come back from her test. Miss the moment she'd graduated and eventually get married to Katsuki. We all know they were made for each other.
I'd miss all the milestones I promised to be by her side for.
I'd break my promise.
For her, I was her top and only supporter since the beginning. Screamed at the top of my damn lungs for every achievement she'd successfully acquire. Made sure she was happy, secure no matter what was happening.
But now I could only imagine that.
Imagine the day she'd graduate. What I'd do the moment try called her name. How I would tell her and Katsuki some stupid dad joke just to get a reaction of them to take a picture of.
Now thinking about it, I wouldn't make it to my own graduation. Would never make it to my first pro job at the agency of my dreams. Never get married, never have kids, never love the life I imagined.
It'll all come back to being a dream I wouldn't be able to reach. This all just sucks.
That family tree I dreamed of continuing would come to an end on my part. I would never get to teach my kids the true ways of love and respect. Teach them the love that my sister and I struggle to receive for so many years. Teach them how valuable it is to live every day with generosity.
I'm taking my last breathes right now. The last final seconds of the sky I'll see.... the last thing I'll hear is the screams and yells with the ambulance around me as they try to stop the bleeding.
I'd help them revive myself if I could but not only did not have that power, I just didn't have the energy.
This was goodbye.
No more seeing y/n. No more seeing Katsuki. No more Nejire, no more class, no more love, no more world, no more living.
I would only continue to live in the hearts of those who loved me. But even then, they would forget me and live how to live without me.
That hurts more than the injuries embedded in my body.
Because I wasn't made for being lonely. Loneliness only meant going back to that deep pit of depression. The hole that I spent too long to pull myself out of. Where my feet were levitating her my head was in hell. Like every waking hour wasn't my own.
Walking through a tunnel without ever seeing the light.
Funny, since as a light caster, I was supposed to be the symbol of the sun. And now that I am at that point, it's a bummer to see all of that come to a quick end.
Maybe Yusara and I would meet soon. Now that would be some difficult shit to face.
There were moments where I forgot I wasn't just a lone sibling with no twin. I didn't forget her, I just forgot that there was someone I've had a connection with since the literal womb. A connection beyond what people knew.
Our connection was different though.
I don't know her the way I knew Y/n, sadly. But I always tried to understand, even if she was dead. I had a picture of us: Yusara, Y/n, and I.
It was in my dorm. One of those things I routinely looked at before sleeping or leaving out for the day. I always hoped to figure out something by it, find some connection within. I wanted to understand Yusara and understand the things she felt and went through.
Because I thought maybe it'd bring us closer.
Her death was untimely.
She died thinking her family hated her, that her siblings didn't love her enough to save her. I'd always tried to visit her grave and talk to her like it would fix things but it obviously wouldn't. So now that I'm here dying, maybe we would be able to have that conversation. Mend some of our bridges and be there for each other.
I really miss her the more I think about everything. Hopefully, she'll forgive me.
Is this my life flashing before my eyes? That cliche shit that everyone talks about in movies and television shows?
Guess it is.
How weird.
If that's the case, I don't wanna die like some traditional way. Let's think about something... good?
Now that I said that I can't think of anything.
I wonder how my attackers feel.
I hope they don't feel too bad but feel some kinda regret for killing me. I didn't ask to be a caster. Didn't ask to be given hocus pocus powers just so people, including my own dad, could hate me.
No one understands that.
They look at the past as if it's from a stone written rule to follow. As if growth wasn't a thing, as if change was impossible.
People are idiots, sometimes. (But here I am, the same idiot who once burned dry pasta) They have no consideration for their words, actions, or even the things they do to the earth we walk on. If I were some kind of nature god, I'd send them straight into the Earth's asshole for everything they'd done.
Maybe it would teach them a lesson.
You have one life, and though mine is in its last seconds, I always tried to live it to the fullest. Always tried to remember that I did my best. Reminding myself of that was probably what kept me going. Because there were times where I just wanted things to stop.
7 billion people in this world and each one experienced today differently. Some laughed, some cried, some wanted today to go differently. But if I could go to those who just hated today and remind them that it gets better, I would. Maybe that would be my first mission as a ghost or whatever I'm reincarnated as.
Maybe it'll fill the emptiness that will soon live in my heart.
My thoughts are all over the place. I don't know what to think about...
I guess this is all bittersweet. Trying to keep myself entertained with my final thoughts that both break my heart and made me smile.
Guess it just bothers me a bit to know that not all my goals will be reached. They'd become dreams all over again.
But permanent dreams. Because my life was over.
But like all good stories, they have to end. No matter how hard it is for us to let go.
Somehow I'll be back. If I do die right here, right now, I'll find a way back to my sister's side. Patch up her cuts from afar and try to leave coffee for her somehow.
The end of life comes with many sorrows.
I would die without knowing the feeling of soaring above the words that were patched onto my skin with only hate engraved in their letters.
It just wasn't my time. I didn't want to let go.
But all I could do now, was pray for more.
--
I teared up a bit ngl.
But I'm upset that this wasn't executed the way I wanted it to be :/ very ashamed with my writing this time around.