"Aren't we just terrified?"
SONG: Roslyn - Bon Iver & St. Vincent
TW: Mentions of Self Harm
*****
Luna's P.O.V:
A selection of flashbacks ranging from 14-16 years old, this will help you understand Luna and Jade a little better hopefully <3
I think when I first realised that I wasn't straight, I was 14, I felt sick to my stomach.
Another girl with another girl was wrong, from day one that's what I was taught. We were a Christian family... heavily Christian, the idea of me even slightly questioning my sexuality made my stomach drop.
Kissing a girl both repulsed and excited me.
I was fucking disgusting, but I couldn't help but want it.
How would my parents react? How would the church react? How would my friends react?
Why me?
I pushed the thoughts away, told myself that I was 14 and naive, I'd grow out of it.
My parents would say it was just a phase, and if they did, I'd agree with them.
When I have my first kiss, with a boy, obviously, it'll feel different, I know it. It will feel like it is in the movies, like electricity, and my stupid, and unreachable thoughts of kissing a girl would go away.
I prayed everyday since I had those thoughts, praying that I'd be normal again. I didn't see why God had cursed me, and poisoned me. I didn't do anything bad, well not that bad. I felt disgusted with myself. I just wanted to be normal. Just for him to hear my pleas, and make me normal. For hours I'd sit there and pray to God, I'd stay up later and then wake up earlier, I thought that the more I prayed, the quicker he'd fix me.
I often wondered who I was praying to. I mean, clearly there wasn't a God. I prayed and prayed and nothing changed. If God was real he wouldn't create me to think these things, and he'd have fixed me by now.
I was 15 when I had my first kiss with a boy. It wasn't electrifying, more... electrocuting. He had dry and rough lips. They moved against mine and it felt like sandpaper, it burnt and I hated it, I thought it couldn't get any worse than this. I opened my mouth to let his tongue inside, then I felt his hand burn into my hip.
I was wrong, it somehow got impossibly worse, the kiss was disgusting, and the way he grabbed my hip nauseated me. I stood up, and said I had to go. I went home that day and cried for hours. I wasn't normal but I couldn't face that just yet.
I felt like I had absorbed this hatred of homosexuals into my bones. The internalised homophobia ran in my blood. I couldn't face who I was, because all my life I was taught that I was a deviant if I thought this way.
Boys never gave me THE feeling. The butterflies in my stomach, or the neverending thoughts of kissing them. But girls gave me those feelings.
I was revolting. I never felt passion for boys, and I slowly realised that I never would, but I had to. I had these expectations that I would have a wonderful husband, and beautiful kids with my husband. But I didn't want that.
I hated myself.
I would punch my thighs, pinch the skin that covered my hips, dig my nails into my palm, until I felt that familiar burn. I deserved the pain, I knew that. I was disgusting, a danger to society.
I'm going to hell, it's inevitable.
I often wondered if hell would be filled with fire, chains and cells, someone punishing me for feeling this way towards girls, and not boys. But then I realised, I was living in my own hell anyway. Living here felt impossible, like I was choking constantly, my head barely above water. This must be a preview of hell.
Living here and being trapped in hell started to merge together, I couldn't tell which was worse. Being up here knowing I could never be free, or living down there and being punished for my thoughts. I guess they're both the same anyways.
I will never be free, and I'll always be judged if I came out. I didn't belong anywhere. I was nauseating for thinking this. It's my fault this has happened. I must have done something to anger God, and that's why he's punishing me.
I felt guilty and would beg for forgiveness. I'd kneel on the hardwood floor until my knees started becoming numb, it was okay though. Maybe the more I prayed and begged, the faster I'd be cured.
I always drowned out my thoughts with praying, thinking of God, being a good person, doing everything to recover from the illness I had, the infection that was prevalent in my brain.
Often I was scared to be alone, because I knew what I'd think about, I'd think of kissing girls and holding their hands. I was scared of my mind, I lost power over my thoughts and it was terrifying.
I deserved death. I hated myself so much. I hated that all I wanted was to run away, find a girl, and kiss her until I couldn't breathe. I wanted to feel her soft, supple lips move against mine.
I pinched my hip, told myself to shut up, my mind won't stop talking and poisoning me.
My mind was my worst enemy. And what was worse is that I couldn't be brave and fight it like I wanted to.
I let my mind do this to me, and I felt weak.
The tops of my thighs would ache from the punches, the pinches I would give my hips would shoot up the sides of my body, and it would hurt so badly.
My palms would sting and burn, I felt my eyes brim with tears as I dug my nails into my palms. I bit my lip hard, I gnawed on it, pretty sure I broke the skin when I went to bite it again and it felt wet, a metallic taste hit my tongue and I cringed.
I definitely looked insane right now, but I felt worse. I wanted to scream and tell him this is what he did, he caused this, he ruined my life. God made me this way, and now he wouldn't fix me.
God is supposed to help and guide you in the right way. I felt like he was just dragging me down. I wanted to scream for help. When you drown you scream but I couldn't tell anyone. I'd been drowning for so long, all I wanted to do was scream.
I was 16 when I met her at a party. I had seen her around school with her boyfriend, who I never cared to know the name of, he seemed like an asshole anyways.
She probably had a little too much to drink, she was giggling and tripping over.
She stumbled over to me, put her hand on the left side of my face, and gave me a dopey smile. Her lips pressed against mine, softly. I kissed her back.
In that moment I wanted to cry, this is everything I had ever wanted. Was it worse that we kissed or not?
Bad maybe? Because I know now that kissing another girl is everything I want, and now I'm going to need it. Or is it good? Good that I know I like it, and everything had been confirmed. I couldn't tell.
It was bittersweet, I was happy I got to kiss a girl, but this was most likely the last time it could happen.
It was almost like getting an icecream as a kid, and you're so hot, so you're happy you've got one. But then you drop it, or it melts in the blistering, humid heat. Then you're devastated, you loved the flavour of the ice cream when you had it, and how it cooled you down, but now it's gone.
She pulled away from me, as my heart beat so loudly, I was sure she could hear it. We looked at each other, and she gave another small smile.
I heard her boyfriend shout her name, as he stepped around everyone and he whispered loudly in her ear, about how hot that was.
I felt disgusted. Was this a joke I just gave into? I kissed a girl, and if that wasn't bad enough, I liked it. She had a boyfriend. I kissed a girl who has a boyfriend, and I liked it, I really, really liked it.
I was sick.
I went home that night and as my tears hit my worn-out converse, I begged forgiveness. I felt so, so guilty.
My stomach churned, I grasped my hand over my mouth, I gagged. I ran to the toilet and threw up whatever was left in my stomach, probably a mix of alcohol and bile.
I felt my mom kiss the top of my head and rub my back softly, telling me, "shh, it's okay." I let a choked sob slip through my lips.
I hated this, hated myself. Afterwards my mom got me a glass of water and tucked me into my cold and empty bed, she told me again that it'd be okay.
After she left I sat on the bed and punched my leg until it throbbed, with every punch my leg became numb.
I wanted to tell my mom that it wouldn't be okay. How could it be okay? If she knew, she wouldn't think it was okay.
I ran to the bathroom when I knew my mom had fallen back asleep. I grabbed a washcloth and rubbed it on my lips.
Trying to forget the taste of the girl.
With every harsh and rough swipe, my lips burnt, they itched, they stung. All the previous cuts from me gnawing on my lips had been split open. I felt the blood collect on my lip, and slowly drip down as I smudged it with the cloth.
I don't know how long I was in there for. Scrubbing my lips felt like an eternity. I was tired of all the thoughts, I climbed back into my bed after I wiped my lips to get rid of the blood. I had a sip of warm, stale water, and I winced, my lips fucking stung.
I felt like I was constantly battling with myself. I was normal me, and there was this demon that controlled my mind. I didn't WANT to think those things about girls, it was the demon.
I lost control of my mind and I couldn't stop it. I was going fucking insane.
I'd whisper for the demon to leave me alone, I'd tap the hard part of my palm against the side of my head, maybe hoping I'd knock the demon out. I knew it was stupid and that it wouldn't work, but I didn't know what else to do.
I saw her around school, with her beautiful, brown, bouncy curls. She often straightened them out, apparently her boyfriend liked it better that way, but I would tell her to embrace her curls, they were gorgeous.
She was fucking beautiful. I squeezed my nails into my palm and slightly winced from the pain. It was already tender and sore from the last time I did it.
She looked over at me and I got butterflies in my stomach, they were pounding, acting like they were trapped in there. The butterflies were begging to be let free, but I couldn't let them go.
She smiled at me and I turned my head to look down at my shoes.
The feeling was overwhelming, the ache of her lips on mine a week or so ago. It's almost like I missed the feeling of them there, like I needed them, but I couldn't.
A few days later I was in the toilets in school, I had to escape everything for a little while. My hand was over my mouth to muffle any sobs or sounds of pain, my nails digging into my palm tingled and ached.
I heard a light knock on the toilet door, followed by, "Luna, are- are you alright?"
Fucking Jade, shit.
I wiped the tears from my eyes.
"How did you know it was me?" I asked.
"Your converse." She replied nonchalantly.
I brought my feet up on the toilet seat, and mouthed 'shit'.
"Can I come in? It's just me and you, no one is here." Jade whispered.
"Promise it's just you?" I whispered back.
"Promise. I wouldn't lie to you." She confirmed.
My mind was racing. What the fuck do I do? I brought my shaking hand up to my mouth and started biting my nails.
What if this was a joke?
She wouldn't care for me. Would she?
I wiped my eyes again with the back of my hand and sniffled. Slowly, I took my feet off the toilet seat and opened the door.
"Welcome to my humble abode." I lightly chuckled.
I was so stupid. Why did I say that? She's going to think I'm an idiot. I started biting my lips ferociously.
She turned and locked the door behind her.
"Love it, although maybe you should add some decorations. Maybe some better seating, the area isn't very spacious though." She replied back.
We both looked at each other and giggled.
She had only been here a short while and I was already feeling better.
After that it was mostly a blur, but I remember she told me we should leave school and go back to hers. I signed out of school and said I was going home, and she just left, she was so cool.
When we got back to her house I remember we talked for a few hours, then I had to go back to mine. She came over to "study" with me, on all the things I missed out on, since I "left school because I was sick". Really, it was just so my parents wouldn't be suspicious.
Of course we didn't study. She kissed me for the second time that night.
For a couple weeks I had tried to avoid her at all costs, I absolutely couldn't develop feelings for her.
Then I found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her for most of the time they were together, they broke up, obviously.
I heard Jade crying in the toilet's and I asked for her to let me in, she did. I walked over to her and she gave me a small, fake smile. I looked at her red and puffy eyes, and I felt awful.
"He's a fucking asshole. You know that right? You shouldn't have had to deal with him, if I was dating you..." I let my words die out. I bit my lip, not really sure on how to approach everything in the right way.
Secretly I was ecstatic she dumped him, but I couldn't let her know that.
"If you were dating me you'd what?" She challenged, looking up at me.
My mouth felt immediately dry, and I gulped loudly. What the fuck would I say?
"All I'm saying is that if a guy was dating you, he should treat you with respect, and love you properly. He should love your brown curly hair, and your big brown eyes, and your beautiful skin, and... He should appreciate you. You know?" I spoke softly.
"Guy or girl. I'm bi. I like tits too." She sighed.
My palms started to sweat, and the marks in my palms stung. The open wounds mixed with sweat, I bit my tongue as my eyes squeezed shut.
"Want to go back to mine?" I whispered.
So we went back to mine. We had our third kiss, but I stopped it after her lips met mine. She'd just broken up with that guy. I didn't want to kiss her after she'd broken up with him, it didn't feel right.
After that we met in the toilets occasionally, it was usually me crying during class. She'd sometimes write little notes, it made me feel happy, but guilty.
The next time we kissed was in a closet at school. Cliché for sure, I hated all that cliché shit, but with her it didn't matter.
She pulled me in and we had our fourth, fifth, six kiss, and maybe a couple more.
It was THE feeling, I knew that I liked her.
Then we were dating shortly after that. We were in the bathroom and she asked me. Not the most romantic spot, but it meant something to us. It wasn't rushed, it was in the moment. The way she blurted it out and I said yes just as quickly, we kissed so fast that our teeth clashed together so we both laughed into the kiss.
I still punched my legs, pinched the skin on my hip, bit my lips until they bled, and dug my nails into my palm until it stung. But it was better now, I think I was getting better.
Until a few months later, it all came crashing down.
"Mom, dad, this is Jade, my friend." I exclaimed.
"Sit down." My mom seethed.
My heart was beating so fast, I was scared. Why did she seem mad?
She motioned for my dad to come and sit next to her. He was holding a brown paper file envelope, it had 'Mr and Mrs Ellise' on the front. My last name was on the front of this, and my parents seemed pissed, it was probably grades.
I still felt like I was going to fucking throw up.
"Mom, w- what's this?" I stuttered.
She held a finger up to me, to silence me.
She pulled out a photo of me and Jade, kissing outside of Jade's house. Then there was one of mine and Jade's t-shirts off and we were in our bras, it looked like it had been taken through my window. There were some of us holding hands. More of us kissing, and hugging.
I pinched myself hard, and started gnawing my lips, this had to be a joke. Who was stalking us? Why would they tell my parents? What do I say? What do I do?
My mom cleared her throat and put on her glasses.
"Dear Mr and Mrs Ellise, I regret to inform you that your daughter in fact has a girlfriend. They have been dating for quite some while now, a few months. I thought you should both know that your daughter has completely disregarded her religion, and is now committing countless sins by dating another woman. I know this must be a major shock, considering you thought your daughter was straight. I'm so incredibly sorry you have to have her as a daughter. I know that the church would look down greatly on this. From, Anonymous." I could hear the venom lacing her voice as she spoke.
She was practically seething with anger.
Jade gripped my hand tightly underneath the table, to tell me she was there for me.
"Mom, dad, I can explain. I know it sounds bad but I'm still your daughter. You both still love me, and I love you both. I haven't turned my back on God, I know he'd want me to love, regardless of who that is. God is accepting, and Jade has brought me out of really dark places and-"
My dad cut me off, and shook his head at me. Tears welled in my eyes.
"Us or her Luna." My mom snapped.
"Please don't make me choose mom, please don't do this to me." I cried.
"LUNA! You brought this on yourself. Us or her." My dad yelled.
"Luna, look at me baby. It's okay if you want to break up with me, I understand, okay? Don't beat yourself up, your parents are important. Don't cry, it's okay, I'll go." Jade smiled at me, her voice wavered towards the end, and I could tell that as soon as she left she'd cry.
Jade stood up and started to walk towards the front door.
"Glad you came to your senses. We raised you better than that, I don't know what you were even thinking." My mom snarled.
I heard the front door open, and I shouted, "Wait."
I ran to Jade and grabbed her hands, I saw her tear stained cheeks. She didn't even make it out the door without crying. My heart broke.
"Luna, if you walk out that door with her, you're kicked out, you don't come back here. Two women is disgusting, you know that. Don't be dumb. You leave and we aren't your parents anymore." My mum threatened.
I looked into Jade's eyes and somehow I knew.
"Then fine, fuck you both. I love her and I can't change that. I'm gay, I'm gay, I'M GAY. You happy? I love other girls. I love Jade so so much. I'll be here to collect my stuff tomorrow." I screamed back at them.
I slammed the door shut.
We walked for about five minutes, squeezing each other's hands tightly. I would run my thumb over the back of her hand, and we just walked, the wind was freezing cold, but it was okay. Because I was with Jade, and she was all I needed.
Jade occasionally kicked rocks that she'd see, I smiled.
"You do realise you're technically homeless now right?" Jade spoke up.
"Yeah, I kind of figured that was the case. Well I can live with you until we get on our feet right?" I replied. Jade nodded back to me.
"Did you spit on me?" Jade asked.
"No, why would I spit on you?"
"No I mean like accidentally."
"No Jade, I didn't spit on you."
"Fuck, that means it's gonna start raining then."
So Jade and I started sprinting back to her house, as the rain started pouring we were both soaking wet and I stopped her in the middle of the road.
"JADE."
"What?"
"I'M GAY, I'M FUCKING GAY. AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
I had to yell it over the rain as I blinked quickly because the rain kept getting in my eyes. Her hair was going straight now, and mine was plastered to my forehead. Another cliché thing, declaration of love in the rain, but I didn't care.
I was fully out as being a lesbian, I had my girlfriend next to me, I didn't have to hide, and I mean yeah I'm homeless and lost my parents. Which I'm upset about, but they couldn't accept me for me, so I'm better off with Jade.
"Yes you are baby, and I'm so proud of you, okay?" Jade responded.
I kissed her hard.
Even though my life was fucked up, since being kicked out, and I was inevitably going to have money issues. Everything kind of felt okay.
With Jade I felt like I could conquer anything.
Authors' Note // Just to clear things up, we are aware and don't think all Christian/religious people think this way. The severity of the situation involving Luna's parents being this way towards Luna's sexuality, is vital in the progression of Luna's character and the storyline (you will see why later on).
If you're struggling with self harm, remember you aren't alone, and we're all here if you ever need to talk about it. This is a topic we do not take lightly. If you're someone who is dealing with self harm or clean, we're SO SO proud of you regardless.
If you are anyone struggling with anything mentioned in this chapter, please, please, please reach out to us, if you're struggling.
P.S. No double update tonight unfortunately, school has been extremely stressful for us all this week, sorry to disappoint.
We love you all so so much, and the constant support continues to amaze us, thank you <33