Song: Billie Eillish - Power (slowed + reverb)
Trigger warning : r*pe
I put *** around the section. It's not very discriptive because I didn't want to make it too much but it is enough to get the point across.
So please, if you think it will possibly make you feel uncomfortable or trigger anything, just skip the last little bit of the chapter with *** around it.
𝔚𝔚𝔚
Josiphina
"You ought to skip dinner tonight, you're hips are already on the larger side, you don't need your thighs joining them as well."
I sigh, sinking further into the tub with a nod. "Of course, Marie." She was right, but it didn't mean I was happy about it. Skipping meals always made me grumpy.
A sound of approval sounds from behind as she continues to run her fingers through my hair in helps of preparing me for the graduation ceremony tonight.
It had been a week since the night in the clearing and I knew I was running out of time. I couldn't stop thinking about what this all meant. And while I was hesitant, I was mostly confused.
I had tried calling Daniel to help me make sense of all this random information but he hasn't been taking my calls.
His absence has also been gnawing at the back of my mind and I can't help but worry about him. It was unlike him to be absent for so long, especially when he hadn't taken any of my calls.
Something wasn't right and I could feel it.
But I couldn't bring myself to betray Father Kade. He knew what was best for me and if he had declined the idea of New York University, then maybe it was for the best.
"I remember when Michael and I attended our graduation ceremony." Marie chuckles from behind me and I smile as I hug my legs to myself and stare down into the bubbles in the bath. "The night of the ceremony was so magical." She breathes and I can hear the smile in her voice. "It gave me..." She trails off as a tense silence settles over us.
We both knew what came out of that night.
Daniel.
We never spoke of Daniel much. It often made me more upset than I let on, I didn't understand how they could so easily disregard Daniel-their own son- like they did.
But the tinge of sadness in Marie's voice leads me to believe otherwise and with hesitancy, I speak. "Do you... Miss him?" I dare to ask as I distract myself by treading my fingers through the water around me.
I'm met with more silence before she breaks it. "It doesn't matter." Her tone-sharper than before - snaps and my shoulders tense. "We are not to speak of such traitors anymore. You should know better."
Maybe it's the anger that's been bubbling for years or the fact that I've been worried out of my mind while she sits back and doesn't care for him but I push. "But he is your son."
Her hands tighten in my hair and she tugs my head back harshly, my head tilting so I can stare into her angry eyes. "He stopped being my son the moment he questioned our lord Father Kade and publicly humiliated this family."
I flinch at the hostility and hatred dripping from her tone and she merely lets go of her grip in my hair and moves on to scrubbing my shoulders with the stiff-bristled brush. "We are lucky that Father Kade still shows us hospitality and respect. You should be very grateful." She scolds in that reprimanding tone.
"I am, Marie."
She smacks her lip in that way that tells me she doesn't believe me and offers an unimpressed hum. "If you were, you wouldn't be speaking of such horrible things. You ought to rid your mind of these sinful thoughts right away, Josiphina."
I withhold the urge to sigh out from frustration. Arguing with her was useless. She never understood and sometimes I only felt as though she only liked me when I did what she wanted me to do.
I knew I needed to change the subject before things escalated and so, I settle for something less tense as I blurt the next thing that comes to mind.
"Does sex hurt?"
I knew what was expected of me tonight. I was to give myself to Dillan but I still didn't know how I felt about it.
I hear Marie tsk from behind me. "Stop speaking in such a crude manner, young lady. What has gotten into you?" She scold, slapping the side of my upper arm above the water.
I roll my eyes, glad that she can't see me for I knew she'd have something to say about that too. In a monotone voice, I rephrase my sentence. "Does the act of coitus hurt?"
Marie sighs as she continues to scrub harshly at my skin. I would much rather prefer to get ready myself but Marie is a perfectionist and I'm always the subject of her madness.
"Your hesitation is not uncommon. Most girls are hesitant but the future of The Colony is more important. All you need to do is push those thoughts stopping you away."
I instantly regret asking because she was less than helpful. It was easier said than done but I didn't push it. I briefly debated telling Marie about how I wouldn't in fact, be having Dillan's children but then thought better of it.
Father Kade had always told me to keep things reserved and between us and I think this is just another one of those things.
"It's going to happen tonight regardless." She continues and I want to groan because once she starts her lectures, there's no stopping them.
"There's no point worrying yourself to death over it, dear. Just listen to Dillan and make him feel good, it will make you feel good. Regardless, it's an honor to be contributing into The Colony." She says, standing up and clapping her hands as she rounds the tub to look down at me.
"Now, what you should worry about is how you're going to fit into that dress of yours." She mutters glancing down at me with disapproval before spinning on her heels and walking into my bedroom, mumbling under her breath.
I don't care to listen, instead I spread my body out, sinking further into the tub before holding my breath and sinking my entire body beneath the surface of the water.
It was the only sense of peace I got these days. The world around me would stop, my thoughts and feelings would all be drowned out by the water and I had a few minutes to just be.
I was tired of thinking, talking, worrying, breathing.
And so, I stop and let the nothingness that comes from being underwater take over and I bask in it for as long as I can hold my breath.
But sometimes, even those few minutes aren't enough.
. . .
"I can't wait for this to be over. Partying with elders is so lame." Dillian drawls as we continue to sway to the music.
"What's lame?" I ask, glancing around the reception hall of the graduation ceremony.
He sighs and rolls his eyes. "It's a term they use on the outside." He mutters and I can sense the tinge of superiority in his voice.
Ever since he's started his summertime duties working for Father Kade and running errands for him in the town over, he's been having more of an attitude.
He'd gloat at every chance he got and it's been making me angrier than I liked the admit.
I blink at him, my temper flaring. "And I would know that why?"
He sends me a fake smile. "It should be pretty self explanatory. Even for you."
My eyes narrow up at him. I didn't appreciate the way he constantly made me feel, like I was so... incompetent.
"The textbook definition for lame is when an animal can't walk due to a foot injury. So technically, I do know what it means just not in the terms of modern day slang."
Dillan's face drops and a small triumphant smile crosses my face. "Goodness, Josiphina do you always have to be such a know it all?"
The classical music picks up and we pick up our pace accordingly. "No. Your lack of wits just makes it too easy."
He narrows his eyes back at me, but I couldn't care less. Sometimes Dillan got on my nerves. The tempo once again rises and we move faster with the other assigned couples dancing around us.
But I falter once I feel a sharp pain in my foot.
I wince and look up at Dillan who's looking anywhere but me. Imbecile. "You did that on purpose." I glare.
I wasn't too keen on letting my anger get the best of me, but sometimes it was too hard to contain. And it gets even harder to stay calm when Dillan merely glances over me, disregarding me. But before I can snap at him the music comes to a halt.
We both stop and look towards the entrance of the reception hall to see father Kade emerging from the doors.
The hall was located in lower level of the town hall. It was adorned in round tables seating parents and elders who watched the young graduates dance.
Father Kade's office also happened to be upstairs which explained why he decided to drop by.
Adorned in a crisp white suit, he walked forward towards the front podium as we all dipped our heads in respect. For a man that was in his mid fifties he looked nothing short of forty- another reason why he was superior, he barely aged.
He had this strange ability to capture everyone's attention and as he spoke everyone listened.
Meanwhile my thoughts were elsewhere.
I wanted nothing more than to escape and make my way to the clearing to try and get ahold of Daniel. It was something I had been doing every night.
I'd been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't even registered Father Kade walking towards us until Dillan nudged me in the side.
"Thank you, Dillan." He nods, "Now, If I may, I'd just like to steal your valedictorian for some last minute changes to her college application."
My ears instantly perk up at the sound of my application and my heart races. Had he also heard from NYU and was coming to tell me that I was to go there instead? Hope bubbles in my chest as I instantly excused myself from Dillan's hold and eagerly follow after Father Kade.
He leads me upstairs to his study and I follow him bouncing with excitement. My tight uncomfortable sandals sounding against the hardwood floor.
"Close the door, my child." Father Kade commands as I walk in behind him and do as I'm told. I turn back around to see him sitting on the leather sofa where he motions for me to move towards him.
I sit on the other end of the sofa, putting a good distance between us as I turn my body towards his. "Has there been any updates on my application? Have you changed your mind about school in New York?" I ask, hopefully.
Father Kade chuckles lightly, the wrinkles near his eyes crinkling. "So eager my sweet Josephina." He chuckles but I don't reciprocate it.
Was I being too direct? Did he not bring me up here to discuss such matters?
"We will get there." He continues before his gaze moves down to my feet and he frowns. "But first, give me those shoes, they look like they're putting you in a great deal of pain." He commands, staring unimpressed at the sandals on my feet.
He doesn't even wait for my response before he's grabbing onto my ankle and pulling my feet into his lap.
I fall back onto the sofa. Me, laying across the length of it with my feet in his lap as he sits up, facing forward. And without another word the man starts to untie my sandals.
My eyes widening as I watch him take them off. "It's really alright." I mutter awkwardly, watching him remove them and rub at my bare feet.
This situation was beyond strange. And had anyone else been witnessing this I would have been ridiculed. It was disrespectful to have him doing something like this form me, but he was insisting.
It's silent as I wait for him to speak and when he does it's underwhelming. "Did I tell you how magnificent you look tonight? So pure and beautiful."
I muster up a distracted smile as his hands move to massage my calf's under my long white dress.
I was starting to wonder when he would let me know about my application. Tilting my head up and off the couch, I peer over at him, only to realize his gaze is already on me.
Except his eye's weren't on my confused face, they were fixed on the heaving of my chest where the tight white material was covering my upper half as I breathed in and out.
And just like that, the unsettling feeling following me throughout the entire week amplifies in the span of a few seconds.
I didn't know exactly what to make of it, but I find myself trying to slow my breathing so that my chest doesn't heave and draw his attention.
His hands itch higher on my legs, tightening and I instantly don't like where this is going. Yet, I couldn't find it in me to move. I was chained to my position by the notion that the man I was with was Father Kade.
The man we was taught to give all our trust to. The man we were taught to respect. I told myself he would never do anything to harm me and I was safe, but why did I feel so off?
Against my better judgement, I yank my foot out of his hold and then in an instant his body is covering mine, his arms on either side of me holding himself up.
I lay frozen at the sudden act of extreme intimacy.
Sure there were times throughout my life where he'd been affectionate but it was never this intimate.
Incoherent words and noises were spilling from under his breath and they had my mind reeling into a state of panic. "... will be mine first."
"Father?" My voice is small and hesitant as my arms stay frozen to my sides not daring to move. "About my application... Did you decide to accept me into a school in New York?" I ask once again.
He groans, snapping his head up and his piercing green eyes stare into mine. "Is that all you care about?!" He chuckles in an attempt to soften up his words but I get that he's irritated.
I blink up at him, not letting him see how upset and uncomfortable he was making me for I didn't want to upset him.
"Well, you did invite me up here on the premise of my application status..." I reason, not understanding why he's getting so worked up.
He curses under his breathe as he hastily gets off me. "When will you understand that you will not be going to New York and that is final! You will be somewhere close where I can keep an eye on you!" He explodes.
I sit up as tears gather in my eyes. " I -I didn't mean to upset you." I say, standing up as he paces back and forth before me.
His serpent like green eyes snap to me "Well you did!" I recoil but he grabs my face bringing it close to his. "Here I am willing to finally take you and here you are acting like an ungrateful brat! Do you know how long I have waited for you?!"
I looked to the ground in shame, trying to get myself together but I don't know what to say or do. I'm so confused. "I'm sorry but I don't follow." I say softly, too scared to anger him further.
"Don't you get it? You are the future, my future. You are mine to love, hold, and to bare my children." He snaps, his hand snaking down around my waist to pull me flush against him.
My heart slows, yet the pounding gets louder in my ears.
"That doesn't make sense. You have given me an assigned, you do not get an assigned you are our Heavenly Father." I mumble, pushing myself out of his arms.
He moves forward and grabs my face once again. "How can you be so dense and incompetent? Do I have to spell it out for you?" He snaps and then he harshly brings his lips to mine and my eyes instantly widen.
I stand frozen as his lips prod mine, working against my still ones. It's only when he pulls away that I realize there's a salty taste in my mouth coming from the tears trailing down my cheeks, some getting onto my lips and in my mouth.
I did not want this.
His hold on me tightens and just when he moves his face towards mine, a sound blares through the room halting his movements.
He lets go of me, moving towards the phone on his desk and instantly picking it up. "What?!" He barks.
It's quiet as he's listening for a few moments before he straightens out, clearing his throat, his face paling. "My apologies, Sir-"
I don't care to listen to the rest of what he's saying because I'm given an opening and I'd be a fool not to take it.
Turning on my heels, I storm out of the room, my bare feet padding against the hardwood floors as I run down the stairs away from the man who was suppose to be the one to turn to in cases like this.
What happened? Where did things go so wrong?
I felt like I couldn't breathe. The world was crumbling down and I had just started the fall of it. Father Kade wouldn't be happy, I had no one to turn to.
I was a mess and I could barely register my surroundings. All I knew was that I needed to leave, I needed to speak to someone who understood.
But as I made it to the front doors of the town hall that led outside - a mop of blonde hair came into view and the next thing I know, I'm being dragged out by his tight grip on my wrist.
****
I was far too out of it, still reeling over the events that had occurred minutes ago to notice the excited gleam of anticipation on Dillan's face.
Far too scared and shaken up over what had just happened to even register my surroundings as we arrived at my house.
Far too distraught to register him ushering me into my bedroom and I was far too distracted in my own thoughts to stop him from pushing me onto my mattress where I laid frozen.
I laid in shock, far too caught off guard and confused to register Dillan hiking up the skirt of my dress and my reaction was far too delayed to register the sudden pinch of pain that came from below the mass of white material blocking my view of what was going on.
And by the time I did notice and snap out of my thoughts, my screams were far too loud to register the words he was speaking.
My mind was far too preoccupied calling for help as he continued to violate me in my most intimate part over and over again, ignoring the way I cried for him to stop.
My screams were loud, louder than the grunts spilling from the man on top of me, louder than the sounds of him pushing into me, his movements only making the pain worse and dulling out the thumping in my chest.
My screams didn't stop, not even when he did and by the time I saw him standing before me, I couldn't speak for I was far too distracted, focused on the throbbing pain coming from below.
But there was one thing I was aware of and that was the moment I turned my head and looked up into his eyes, mine clouded with tears and sobs while the man i'd been assigned to for the rest of my life simply smiled down at me, assuring me that it was okay.
But as he spoke, I couldn't register his words because my ears, blaring with white noise had felt like they were going to explode along with the rest of my body. And all I could focus on was the hints of blood smeared across on the bottom of his white dress shirt.
My blood.
***
And In the end, I was far too shaken to move or even breathe, all I could do was shut my eyes and hold my breath, forcing my mind into a tub of water in hopes of it drowning out everything becasue I'd never felt anything like this before.
I didn't want to feel it.
I didn't want to think about it.
And I certainly didn't want to be breathing.
I wanted to feel the nothingness that came when I wasn't breathing and I never wanted to be here again.
But I couldn't hold my breath for long and the second my body forced my mouth open to fill air into my lungs, the sobs started. Raking through my numb body harder than before.
Until eventually my mind grew drowsy and I couldn't even bear to register the fact that I was still in my blood stained white dress. Laying in my childhood bedroom- a place I felt most comfortable. A place that was located in my house- a place I felt most safe. And they were both within the grounds of The Colony - a place I felt most at home.
Except now it was all tainted.
And all I wanted was to be far far away.
𓆩❤︎𓆪
Keep in mind that she doesn't know what just happened was rape. All she knows is how to feel and thats what she's going off of.
Next chapter is last chapter in The Colony.
And also I promise the story won't be so dark. I wrote these beginning chapters before I wrote hideaway and I don't like how dragged out it is but it's only for one more chapter.
Also the next two chapters are already posted.