Mom appears at my bedroom door, a steaming mug in hand. Her eyes are dry and rejuvenated—though the streaks of tear marks on her cheeks betray her perfect rouse.
"Tea?" she asks.
I smile as she approaches.
"What're you doing?" she questions, sitting on the edge of my bed.
Celia lays peacefully asleep to my right, lightly snoring.
"I'm researching." I angle my face towards my laptop screen and sigh. "If only I had my law degree already."
She rests the tea on my nightstand and lightly squeezes my leg. "You don't need a law degree, Helena. We have Jason, remember?"
And my plan to track down Carl Hudson.
"I know."
She regards me closely, reading my every thought. "I know what you're thinking."
"What's that?" I ask.
She glances to Celia and gently places her hand on her back. Her snores continue and Mom—seeing that as reassurance to carry on—takes a deep breath in.
"Carl Hudson is a dangerous man, Helena. You shouldn't go looking for him."
"Even if he's the reason Elliot's facing jail?"
"Yes," she replies.
I say nothing in response, unable to give her my word.
"You don't know this," she begins, voice distant. "But Sarah and I were best friends in high school."
Huh?
"Inseparable."
That explains her reaction earlier.
"I knew Carl back then. He wasn't a nice person."
"I have to look for him, Mom!" I argue, keeping a close eye on Celia. "He's a killer. Isn't it about time we brought him to justice?"
"And what happens when he's put in front of a police officer?" she retorts. "He'll tell them what Elliot and Celia did four years ago. They'll go to prison for a long time, Helena. Both of them."
I stop breathing.
"He's cornered us and he knows it."
"I didn't think of that," I admit, mouth filling with saliva.
I want to vomit.
"What do we do, then?" I ask.
"We build a fucking fantastic case for Elliot."
It's not enough.
"And let Carl walk away?"
Her body sags in defeat. "Right now, my main priority is keeping you kids safe."
That's a yes.
"Promise me you'll steer clear of Carl," she pleads, eyes wide.
I've never seen her so desperate. So... scared?
"I promise."
I only do so for her sanity.
"What're you gonna do about Dad?" I question, changing the subject.
She heaves a sigh. "Not a fucking clue."
"And Shaun?"
She chews her lip, deep in thought.
"Jason is going to advise him against pleading insanity," she says.
"Good."
Her lips twitch in what I assume is a fraction of a smile. She's happy that I'm showing interest. That despite not wanting to, I still care.
"Your dad just wants what's best for him," she admits, fiddling with her sleeve.
"Avoiding punishment is not what's best for him," I counter.
"I know."
"Nor is it fair on Sienna's family."
She nods.
"You don't... blame yourself, do you?" I ask.
This has been bothering me for quite some time now.
"I'll always feel partially responsible," she admits, squeezing my thigh. "But I'm not about to let that guilt ruin my life. Nor will I let it interfere with yours. I'm done moping."
"You're entitled to mope," I assure.
Her face drops. "I missed your graduation."
"So?"
"So, I'm sorry. I should never have let that happen."
"Mom!"
She interrupts my attempt to protest. "If today has taught me anything, it's that life is too short."
That's true.
"I love Shaun. But he's not the only one I love. My family needs me now more than ever." She places her hand on my cheek and rests the other on Celia's sleeping body. "I'm not about to flake on you guys."
"And in the meantime, is Dad staying here?"
"I can't kick him out," she informs. "His name is on all the deeds."
What a fucking shit show!
"Jason is looking into it."
"We're really making him earn his pay check this year, huh?"
A small smiles breaks through. "He's great."
"Husband material," I add.
She shoves on my arm.
"What happened to you guys?" I inquire, genuinely intrigued.
Their history is complicated to say the least, and I get the feeling I don't know the half of it.
"Nothing," she replies. "That's just it. Nothing ever happened."
I don't push it, sensing her resilience. She's been through a lot today. We all have. And right now, our best option is sleep. Only, I can't. Not until I talk to Dad.
****
He's folding his socks when I knock on the door and enter, a look of defeat on his face.
"Really? Is folding socks necessary?"
"It helps," he replies. "I need the distraction."
I nod, understanding completely. "Mind if I help?"
I don't particularly agree with his methods of showing up, but he's still my dad and we've not spoken since I found out Jason was my biological father.
"I tried calling," I say, picking up a shirt from his hold-all. "Multiple times."
I grab a hanger from the closet and begin weaving it through.
"I know."
"Did you not think to call back?"
"I wanted to," he responds, still concentrating on his socks. "I didn't know what to say."
"Anything would've been better than nothing," I state, silently begging him to look at me.
He doesn't.
"I thought you didn't care."
He looks to the ceiling, blinking back his emotions. "And I thought you wouldn't want me anymore."
"Do you honestly think I'd disregard you like that?" I question.
He finally meets my eye.
"Because if so, you really don't know me."
Tense silence stretches between us, smothering.
"I care," he admits, abandoning his socks.
I smile, and he mirrors my expression.
"Just—don't make the situation any more difficult than it already is. Mom's been through hell this last few months."
"And I haven't?" he sasses.
"I wouldn't know. You haven't been here."
This shuts him up.
"Shaun shouldn't plead insanity." I say. "Not when he's not mentally sick."
I leave him to it, having said my piece. I never expected a grand reunion, but an apology would've been nice. It seems—however—he's incapable. I don't remember things ever being this strained between us. We've never had a perfect relationship, but I've never felt this rejected. Like he no longer has the time of day for me.
"Lena?"
Celia's voice snaps me out of my daze; sounding hoarse. I crawl back into bed and snuggle into her, feeling as opposed to hearing her sobs.
"It's okay," I soothe, holding her close. "I'm right here."
Her tears continue to soak my shirt as we both lay in the darkness, consumed by even darker thoughts. Elliot is the strongest person I know, but prison is no small feat. It's packed full of murderers, rapists, pedophiles and the thought of him being amongst that is truly sickening.
I promised Mom I wouldn't look for Carl and I won't. Not with it being too risky. But I can't just sit and do nothing. Someone supposedly saw Elliot arguing with Sarah this morning.
I'm going to find out who.
****
Detective Helena is back!!!!
Who will be her sidekick this time? ;)