Time moves by slowly after that day. September ends and so does summer. Casey moans and groans about hating fall and winter outfits, but her mood turns around when we discuss our Halloween plans.
She doesn't say it explicitly, but I know her and Carlos are seeing each other more regularly. If I don't see her at lunch, I know she's with him. She probably doesn't want things to be awkward between us because things have died down between me and Dylan, but have only heated up for her and Carlos.
Anthony has invited us to his birthday party at Raven's on Friday, which is also his birthday. I'm anxious about seeing Dylan because we haven't really talked a whole lot the past two weeks since we had our conversation about me not wanting a relationship. It's not even that I don't want a relationship. It's leaning more on the side of me recognizing that it's not a good idea right now.
At Anthony's party I feel terrible for not getting him a present, but he assures me it's fine. Derrick and Jared are performing, of course. Casey and I sit at the table with the guys, and Carlos immediately sits between me and her. I wonder if she notices that he's wedging himself between us. I mean, I probably did that to her while I was dating Jacob, and now I know how it feels.
Dylan doesn't say much. He's sitting next to me and his only words come out when Anthony or Reece talk to him directly.
After a while, I miss my bed. I'm not up for partying. That's when Dylan's legs swing toward me and he leans on his elbow to look at me.
"Have you finished the project for English?" he asks.
A wave of relief washes over me. I really don't want things to be weird between us. "I finished it in class today."
He scratches the back of his neck. "I'm barely finishing the book."
Our project is on the book Crime and Punishment, which is a fairly large book. "Dylan, the project is due on Monday."
"That's why I'm going to work on it on Sunday," he chuckles.
Anthony suddenly appears between us and slings his arm around Dylan. "Are you guys having fun?" he asks us.
Dylan and I both nod.
"I'm losing interest in this place. You guys wanna go catch the rest of the football game?"
The football game? "I didn't know you were into football," I tell Anthony.
He smirks. "I'm into one of the cheerleaders at the football game."
Makes sense. I've never seen Anthony around any other girls. I wonder if he's had a girlfriend before.
Carlos drives me and Casey to the game, while Anthony drives Dylan and Reece. Once we make it into the stadium, we find spots in the stands where the student section is.
"Fuck, we're actually winning," Anthony says, squinting at the scoreboard.
"You want anything from the concession stand?" Dylan asks as he stands next to me on the bleachers.
Dylan looks good in his gray shirt and dark jeans under the Friday night lights. His green eyes seem brighter.
It takes a moment for me to answer. "Um, no thanks. I'm okay right now."
"Guess I should've asked when we passed by it," he scratches the back of his neck.
"It's fine," I laugh slightly. Things feel awkward, especially since Dylan is somewhat shy. It's a side of him I've never seen and it's throwing me off. He's always been a confident person, and now he seems nervous.
Carlos is explaining something to Casey about the game and I turn to talk to Dylan but a girl makes her way over to us. Her eyes are a crystal clear blue and the blonde hair on her head shines beneath the lights.
"Hey, Dylan," she slides between me and him. "I never see you here."
Dylan and I aren't together, but I feel particularly irritated by this girl. I have to remind myself that Dylan can talk to whomever he wants.
"Football isn't my thing," he says, not looking at her.
"Mine either. I just come for the after parties," she says, standing closer to him. "I heard you aren't seeing anyone."
"Nope," he says. "But I've got my eye on someone."
"Who's that?"
My heart is beating quickly in my chest.
"You don't know her, Zoey."
"Lucky girl. You sure you don't want to explore some more options?" she asks, staring up at him with flirty eyes.
I've never mastered that look. Jacob always said I wasn't like other girls and I always hated when he said that.
"Not really."
It's like a weight has lifted from my chest as soon as he says that. I don't know why I was nervous about him saying something else. Dylan has always been genuine with his feelings.
"Well, if you change your mind you know where to find me," she winks at him before walking further down the bleachers.
Dylan doesn't say anything as he stands close to me, and this time he doesn't leave room for anyone to come between us.
Halloween is underwhelming. Casey and I always spent Halloween at my house and handed out candy to the trick-or-treaters while my parents went to their work parties. Living in an apartment complex takes that part away. I can tell she's somewhat bored as we sit and watch scary movies, but I don't feel like going out with her. I play the I-don't-feel-well card and she leaves earlier than planned. I wonder if this is how she felt when I was with Jacob all the time and I realize I really was a horrible best friend.
My aunt watches horror movies with me for the rest of the night. She hasn't asked about Dylan or why I'm spending more time at home rather than out and about. Her date with the genetics professor had gone well and they go out every now and then. I haven't met him yet. I only know his name is James and that he drives a Mercedes.
When November arrives, my aunt is freaking out over Thanksgiving. She tries to decide whether she wants to have Thanksgiving here at the apartment with my grandparents or go to their house. Either way, she's planning to bring James over.
I finally meet him for Thanksgiving at my grandparent's house. My grandparents seem to like him. He fits in with the family, but I help but feel left out. Everyone strains to stay happy since my mom and dad aren't there. Their constant asking of whether I'm fine or not bothers me. I'm not fine, but I don't want to spend the whole holiday season thinking about it.
These are the times I feel like calling Dylan, just to hear his voice. He'd listen to me then would give me encouraging words to help me get through all of it. But I don't give him a chance to. At school he's started to avoid me. We don't talk in class, and he always comes in at the last second and is always the first one out. I'm not sure whether he's already trying to get over me, or if it hurt too much to see me. I'm causing conflict in his mind, and I feel horrible for it.
As much as I hate to admit it, I feel lonely. Casey spends a lot of time with Carlos and in turn spends a lot of time with the guys. There's a jealous feeling rising inside me, but I know I'm only doing it to myself. I'm the one who wants solitude. The idea of being with Dylan so soon is scary to me and I don't want to mess up what we had going. I need to be completely ready to jump into a relationship with him and that means learning how to be by myself for a while.
As the days grow colder and the loneliness grows into the most agonizing monster, I'm beginning to question my sense of reasoning.
On the first day of December, a Saturday, Casey comes to the apartment. When I open the door for her, her eyes are red and teary.
"I need your help," she says.
"What's going on?" I ask as soon as we are in the comfort of my bedroom.
She instantly takes her usual spot on my bed and I sit next to her. I watch as she wipes her eyes and smears a bit of her mascara. I don't know what to think. Has something happened between her and Carlos?
"It's Xavier," she says, looking down at her hands. "He's pissed at me because I've been seeing Carlos."
It's the first time she's openly admitted to being with Carlos, but I don't say anything.
"He thinks he can just burst back into my life and tell me who I can and can't talk to. He says he'll send guys after Carlos if we keep seeing each other," she has a disgusted look on her face. "That's why I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He's just too weird now."
Before I can say anything, she keeps going. "I don't know why he's even bothering me now. I mean, I was fine without him in my life. I got over my crush and Carlos swooped in at the right time. Now all of sudden he wants Carlos to stay away from me and he wants Dylan to make things right with Kay."
That's news to me. Xavier is pushing Dylan back to Kay? I feel the anger rising in me and Casey see it in my face.
"I wasn't supposed to say anything about that," she says, avoiding my eyes.
"Why?"
"Dylan didn't want you to worry."
It's frustrating. I don't need people dictating how I should feel and it's irritated me to no end. Even the way Casey says it bothers me. I know she's hanging out with the guys more and knowing that she's spending more time with Dylan makes me upset. I'm her best friend and I haven't even seen her much since Halloween. "You and Dylan are best friends now, or what?"
I regret saying it as the words leave my mouth. It isn't her fault that I've isolated myself, but it still irks me. I mean, she's my best friend and yet she's been the guys more than she's been with me. She's been with Dylan more than I have.
It isn't just about Dylan. I feel like I'm losing her to Carlos and the other guys. I'm getting the same sense of loss I felt when I lost my parents and Jacob in the same month.
It's almost as if I've completely lost myself. Here I am being angry over Casey putting herself out there and having fun while I've purposely shut myself out from everything and everyone. Is this what it feels like to be a toxic person?
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asks, straightening herself.
"Nothing," I stand up from my bed. Arguing about it won't do any good. Instead, I cross my arms and stare out my window.
"If you're going to say something, then say it, Lace," her voice rose. "I've given you plenty of opportunities to rant about how I'm spending time with the guys and you aren't."
Did she really just say that? "I just—yeah, I'm jealous, okay?" I snap. "You have Carlos, you have Xavier, you have the guys, and you have both of your parents. I can't even have Dylan without people trying to separate us." It's coming out and I can't stop it, no matter how bad it all sounds. "Being without my parents for the holidays sucks, Case, and I can't do anything to fix that. Being without them period is hard. I don't want to play the victim, but I can't help it this time."
I'm sick of seeing a parking lot outside my window instead of the landscaped yard of my old house. I miss waking up on the weekends to my parents singing along to music in the kitchen as they cooked breakfast together. Or hearing my mom scold my dad for drinking straight from the milk gallon. Or even just hearing their voices. What if one day I can't remember what they sound like?
"Lace, I'm sorry—"
I stopped her. "You said sorry when I told you about the accident, and you said sorry at the funerals. I don't want to hear it again."
"I wish you would've told me this is how you feel," she says quietly.
Tears are forming in my eyes and I know I won't be able to stop them if I look at her and I don't want that. I clear my throat and try to clear my mind. "There are a lot of things I wish you would've told me." She barely told me she's with Carlos now and I didn't even know about Xavier until a couple months ago. It's like she has a whole other life I don't know about.
"You're already dealing with all the stuff going on in your life and I didn't want to dump my problems onto you," she says.
"Case, I would've gladly thought about something these past few months," I finally look at her. "You could've told me about Xavier. You could've told me about you and Carlos."
"I didn't want to make you feel bad about me and Carlos—"
"Why, because Dylan and I aren't together? I don't care about that."
She stands up and walks over to me. "Fine, I should've told you."
"I'm over this conversation," I shake my head. Being in an argument with Casey isn't going to do me any good. If I'm not able to talk to her, then I'll go crazy. "Let's just move on."
"Deal," she nods immediately.
"What are you going to do about Xavier?"
"I don't know. He's being psychotic about this whole thing."
"Maybe you just need to sit and talk to him."
Her nose scrunches up. "There's no way I'm going to sit and talk to him. I still don't forgive him for ditching our friendship. Plus, he's kind of freaking me out."
"Honestly, I wish I knew what to say," I tell her. Xavier seems like a scary guy, but he didn't look so scary next to Casey. It's like she's his Achilles heel in the worst possible way.
Casey leaves soon after. Things don't seem to be completely resolved between us, but I let it be. Everything will work out, as they usually do with us. We're just hitting a bump in our friendship.
That night, I stare at my phone and wonder if I should shoot a text to Dylan. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say about Xavier pushing him and Kay together.
But I can't bring myself to text him.
*
People are buzzing on Monday morning. Student government is doing their usual candy cane grams and the Mean Girls references are never-ending. Hearing the chatter in the hallways is giving me a headache and I want nothing more than to go home, get under a cozy blanket and watch Christmas movies.
It's crazy to think that we only have a couple more weeks of school before winter break. My senior year is nearly half over and I don't know how fulfilled it has been so far.
"Hey, that sweater is cute," Casey says as she starts walking with me to the cafeteria.
I found my colorful, striped sweater at the thrift store. It's super soft and it's cold enough to be comfortable in it. "Thanks. I see you're going for a Kurt Cobain-like look."
She has on a dark gray striped shirt under a flannel. "Who?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Never mind."
We walk into the cafeteria and my eyes scan the room for Dylan and the guys, but they are nowhere in sight. Casey doesn't mention their whereabouts, so I don't ask.
Instead, we get our lunch and sit at a table together. We haven't done this in a while and it feels good.
"I would die for these cheese fries," I say, moaning as I shovel them into my mouth.
"I wouldn't go that far," Casey laughs. "They're just cheese fries."
Dylan would understand. He gets the cheese. I push the thoughts of him out of my mind.
Her demeanor changes and I have a bad feeling in my stomach. "What?"
"He's changed a lot, Lace," she looks down at her food. "Xavier, I mean. It's to the point where I don't know if the old Xavier is still in there. I talked to him on Sunday, but he literally threatened to hurt Carlos if Carlos and I go out again. He swears up and down that he doesn't care for me, yet he cares who's in my life."
It sounds like things are going to get out of hand. Xavier is clearly a psycho, especially when it comes to Casey.
I can't wrap my head around it, even as I part ways with Casey and walk to English. At first, I thought Xavier had a soft spot for Casey, but it seems possessive now. It's as if he thinks he's the only guy she is allowed to have in her life.
A hand wraps around my arm, startling me. I whip around to find Dylan's green eyes staring at me. He motions for me to stay outside of class.
"I need to talk to you," he says, running a hand through his hair. "You want to skip this period?"
I chew on my lip nervously. Going with Dylan is a bad and good idea all at once. My heart leaps at the fact that he is talking to me, but it's probably something bad by the sound of his voice. He's changed somehow. His hair is a little longer and there is a bit of stubble on his face. He looks older somehow.
"Um, sure," I find myself nodding.
Soon enough, we are dodging security as we run to the parking lot to his car. The wind makes the air colder and Dylan cranks up the heat as soon as we are in his car.
"Where are we going?" I ask, rubbing my hands together to warm them up.
He turns his body so he's facing me and reaches out to cover my hands with his. "Just trust me, okay?"
I want to be more nervous than I am, but his words are so reassuring. Not trusting my voice, I nod instead. His hands leave mine and they're cold again.
As we drive off campus, he doesn't say anything else, seemingly lost in his own head.
At first I don't recognize where we are heading. Not to Raven's and not to his house or mine. When we turn at a familiar light then down a specific road my breath catches in my throat.
"Which one?" he asks me, gesturing to the houses around us.
"That one, up there," I point to my old house on the left.
It feels like it's been ages since I last saw it. I'm expecting to see a 'for sale' sign on the front lawn, but there is nothing but overgrown weeds taking over. The once beautiful, gleaming white three-bedroom house I called home is completely different. Aged is the right word.
"How did you know where to find it?" I ask Dylan.
He's staring at the house as he answers, "I asked Casey. I couldn't remember the whole address though."
All at once the memories hit me. My mom standing by the front door with her hands on her hips, waiting for me to get off the bus. Our failed attempts at a family game night. The white Christmas lights my dad always hung on the house. My dad trying to decide on a tie to wear to work.
Both of my parents worked for banks, but different branches. Dad always in his suits and mom in her dresses and skirts. I had a crippling fear at the funerals that I wouldn't be able to remember what they looked like, but the fresh memory of their faces has relief washing over me.
"I wasn't sure if now is the right time to bring you here, but I wanted you to be comfortable either way," Dylan says, looking not at me, but at the house. "I have something to tell you."
A million thoughts race in my mind. Is he going to tell me he's going back to Kay? Or join in on whatever Xavier had gotten mixed up in? Both make my stomach upset.
"I've been trying to avoid Xavier as much as possible for a while now, but he keeps finding me. If I didn't know what he wanted, I would've thought he was obsessed with me or something," he tries to crack a smile.
I know where the conversation is heading. "He wants you to get back together with Kay."
He grabs my hands and holds them again. "I don't want her."
Why does Xavier want Dylan to be with Kay? Most older brothers don't want their sisters dating. Maybe Kay has him wrapped around her ugly finger and he's willing to do anything for her. But why? Just because they're siblings?
"I'm not good at explaining my feelings," he say. "As much as I respected your alone time, it's been brutal not talking to you."
The more I think about it, the more my alone time makes less sense. I know I wanted time for myself, but I could have made it a couple weeks, not months.
Dylan speaks up again. "I want to be here for you because I know a lot of shit has gone down in your life that I can't fix with just a kiss."
My heart flutters. Dylan's lips look warm and inviting, but the moment isn't right to kiss him. "What about Xavier and Kay?"
He hesitates. I can tell it's something he's been thinking over. "Xavier isn't all talk. And I'm not worried about him coming after me. I can take it," he says, then blows out a breath. "I'm afraid something will happen to you."
That's scary. Will Xavier hurt me so Kay can have Dylan? "He wouldn't really hurt me, would he? I mean Casey is my best friend."
"My theory," he says slowly, "Is that he's just now realizing how much he likes Casey and he doesn't like that she's with Carlos. Kay wants me and he'll do anything for her. I think he wants to take you and Carlos out of the equation so everything works out for him. And I wouldn't put it past him to threaten you and Carlos."
Carlos doesn't seem like the type to sit back and take any shit. He'll fight back. If I had to, will I fight back? How did I even get mixed up in all of this?
Dylan probably senses how I'm feeling and he smirks. "Are you thinking of an alliance with Carlos? Because he's not one for teams."
"He'll have to be okay with teams if he wants to be with Casey," I say.
Despite his smirk, he looks like he has more to say. "What else are you thinking?" I ask.
"As much as I don't want to do this," he says, glancing out the window. "We shouldn't rush into anything right now. I don't want Xavier to go after you."
It isn't fair. Why does Xavier get to decide how I spent my life?
"Trust me, if I didn't think he was a threat then I wouldn't suggest it," he says.
"It's not fair," I say, leaning back in the seat. My eyes close and I imagine all the scenarios that can happen. An image of Dylan meeting my parents flashes in my mind and I wish he could've met them.
"I like seeing you in my car."
Part of me feels like pretending that we are getting ready to have dinner with my parents, where they'll meet Dylan for the first time. I wonder what they would think about him. My aunt likes him, so there's a chance my parents would've liked him.
And the memories return, but instead I replace Jacob with Dylan in all of them. I imagine Dylan shaking hands with my dad, and complimenting my mom on the dinner she's made. My dad takes Dylan off to the side and tells him how lucky he is to have me in his life. Jacob knew what to say to my parents, but I think Dylan would have been more genuine with his words. There was always light when Jacob was around my parents. I imagine that light would have been brighter with Dylan around.
I glance up at the house and sigh. The light is completely gone from it.
"You wanna take off?" Dylan asks.
Nothing will ever be the same. My parents are gone and getting my old life back is never going to happen. Looking down at my tattoo, I know I have to get it removed or covered up with something else. Maybe I can talk to my Aunt Jade about helping me decide and helping with the cost.
"Yeah."
One memory that keeps popping up is my dad nearly falling off the ladder as he was putting our Christmas lights up.
Or the time Casey slept over and my mom decided to try a new cookie recipe and we almost burned down the house because we completely forgot about them in the oven.
Or when I was home alone and I got the call from my aunt that she was on her way to pick me up after she found out about the accident.
When Dylan drives us back to campus, it's nearing the end of fourth period. Going into class will be a waste, so we sit in his car.
"Is this a necessary time to skip?" I ask him, nudging his arm.
"It is," he nods. "I hope you didn't mind me taking you to your house."
"It was nice seeing it. I haven't been since I moved out."
He's staring at me the way he had that day in his room and my heart starts beating at 100 miles per hour. His hand softly touches my cheek and his thumb ever so gently brushes against my skin. I close my eyes as his thumb traces my lips. When I open my eyes again, Dylan's green eyes are boring into mine. His face draws closer to mine and just when I think he's going to kiss me, he doesn't. Instead, he pulls me in for a hug while his face rests in the crook of my neck.
A sigh escapes him. "That wasn't smart. I'm sorry."
My heart is still beating quickly in my chest and I sigh too. "It's okay."
When he leans back in his seat, I notice everyone filing out of the school for the end of the day.
"I'll talk to you tonight. I'm going to see what exactly Xavier has planned," he says.
"Don't get him riled up. I don't want you to get hurt."
The smirk on his face makes me even more nervous. "I'm not scared of him."
And that's exactly what scares me the most.
While I watch him drive away, Casey appears next to me and watches him go.
She whistles. "I knew you two couldn't stay away from each other."
"We have to be smart," I tell her. "All of us."
If Xavier decides to come after me and tells me to stay out of Kay's way, what will I do? Give them what they want? Give them the satisfaction of everyone making way for their demands?
No way.
I see where Dylan is coming from, but we have to be smart about it.
******************
Hello gorgeous reader!
I noticed some comments about the timeline of this book so far and I wanted to clear some things up. I have the entire book mapped out on a calendar. I do this because I need to keep track of what day or week I'm on in a story. I actually started doing this when I edited the first draft of this story.
So, part one takes place in two months as shown below. Also, my handwriting is atrocious lol
I hope this helps you all picture things a little better!