Castiella-
I've been living in my car for a month. I ate whatever food I could afford. Which was most often a sandwhich and a bottle of water from the grocery store. And not one of those good deli sandwhiches, the pre-made plastic-wrapped ones. I know I've lost quite a bit of weight, even without having a scale. Its one of those things where you just know. I was able to scratch up enough money for a plane ticket, but I have to sell most of my stuff. I can't afford to take all of it with me. I'm keeping journals, pictures, a few books, and my favorite nicknacks. The rest have already been sold. I sat on the arm rest between the driver and passenger seat, bending over slightly. I shoved all of my clothes into a small suitcase, and everything else into my carry-on. I don't know what to do with my car. I guess I'll have to sell it.
I taped a For Sale sign on the car, and parked it in a really busy parking lot. I walked to the library, not even ashamed of what I was wearing. I had black Call of Duty sweatpants, grey boots that looked like Uggs, but were nowhere near the price, and a Jersey Chick black muscle shirt. Um, I'm a cool librarian I guess.
I pushed the heavy glass doors open, and walked behind the desk. A few people were already here, working on the computers or reading. I pulled my hair into a lazy bun, and logged on to my computer. Being a librarian, I can see what anyone who uses any computer in the library is looking at/for. Two high-school looking boys were sitting together, using one computer. I wish I was in high school again. Sounds weird, but it's true. It was fun. I had friends, and I had a boyfriend, and I was president of the gymnastics club, and a member of the Theatre Commitee. It was a blast.
I shook thoughts and memories of high school away, and clicked on Computer 02381, the computer the highschoolers were looking at. It showed me their screen, and I watched one boy type naked girls into the search bar. I stifled a laugh with my hand, and watched the automatic safe search block whatever came up. I heard them sigh. They then tried to search for porn which was also blocked. Numerous other things were searched; lesbians, and again naked girls. All of which were blocked. Eventually I got bored and went up to the two boys. They laughed, not knowing I was standing behind them.
I cleared my throat. "Excuse me."
They whipped around, their eyes wide. "Um.. yes?" One boy with blonde hair asked.
"I'm going to have to ask you to exit the computer, and either find another activity in the library or quietly leave."
"Why's that, lady?" Blondie asked.
"Because I said so." I smirked.
"That's not a real reason." Blondie crossed his arms. I felt my temper flare.
"Listen little boy, you do realize that I can see and have access to everything and anything you do on that computer right? So, dipshit, 'naked girls' and 'porn' is something you should look for at home, not in MY library. Now, I have to ask you to leave." They didn't budge. "NOW!!!" They scrambled up and ran out the door. I laughed and closed the window they had open and shut off the computer.
After a few boring hours, I talked to the boss about me leaving, and quit ahead of time. I was walking to my waitressing job at "Yolanda's Goodies" when I recieved an unknown call.
"Hi, Castiella Tracy, who is this?"
"Hi Miss Tracy, I'm calling about a car in the Triad Building parkinglot thats for sale?"
"Indeed, its for sale."
"How much are you asking?"
"About 10,000. Prices however are negotiable."
"I can do 9,500 if thats alright?"
"That sounds fine to me. If you will meet me in that same parkinglot in about an hour I can give you the keys, and you can pay?"
"Sounds great."
"Oh, can I get your name?"
"Reggie Walward." Ha!!! Reggie!!!
"Alright, thank you sir."
"Thank you, Miss Tracy."
"Bye bye."
"Bye."
I laughed to myself. Small world. I walked into Yolanda's, and immidiately walked into Yolanda's office. I explained my predicament and she was understanding. I quit and handed in my manager's badge and apron. I was stopped on my way to the door by someone calling my name. Surely there can't be many Castiellas in New Jersey. I turned and what do you know. Mathew Levits was sitting with his twin brother, Tyler.
"Hey, I didn't know you were coming today.." I smiled. I felt guilty, as I hadn't told my best friend I was leaving the state.
"Yeah, me and Ty just wanted to get a milkshake, and maybe see you. You haven't been around lately. I even went by your apartment, and nobody was there."
"So, you gonna tall us what's up, or..?" Tyler said, throwing his hands in the air.
We talked for a while, and it felt good to hang out with old friends. Tyler was a football player for New Jersey University. They were both 23, and Mathew was a math major, studying to be an accountant. They came from Indiana to New Jersey because Tyler got a scholarship and they didn't want to be separated. I met them here, while they were having a big meal with the football team after they won the first game Tyler had ever played.
I used to be close with my brother, too. Before he went crazy, I mean.
"So how long is your shift today? Can we hangout?" Tyler asked.
"Actually no.. I'm leaving. I'm kind of quitting today."
"What? No, why? You've worked here forever, what happened?"
"I'm actually moving out of state."
"What?" Mathewl asked, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Yeah.. I don't exactly have anywhere in Jersey to stay, so I'm moving in with my Aunt in Florida."
"You can't stay with your best friends? And you can't tell them that you're leaving??" Mathew was pissed.
"You live in a dorm room with another roommate. I can't just stay with you."
"I can't believe you would do this, after all we've been through-"
"I would love to talk about this, but I'm running late, and I've got to go, I have to meet someone." I left as quickly as I could, storming out of Yolanda's. I walked to the parking lot where my car, or my old car. There was an older guy, maybe in his late forties, standing beside the grey mini van.
The exchange was quick. He gave me the $9,500 and I gave him the keys after retrieving my suitcases. The plane wasn't until late tonight, at 8:00. Where do I go until then? I sat on the curb of a busy street, watching cars go by.
I've always found it peaceful. The cars just go, and go. They know where they're going, they know what they're doing, where they've been, how to get there. I like to wonder where they are going. What are their names? How old are they? Do they have kids? A wife? A husband? A job? Are they still in school? Are they happy with their life? Who are they? Where are they going? Why are they going? Who else is going?
I wish I was one of those people in the cars. I wish my life was better, happier. I wish I had a boyfriend, maybe even a fiance. I wish I had a job that I loved, a family that loved me.
But I don't. I worked three dead end jobs, lived in a shitty apartment all by myself with nobody but the walls to talk to. I honestly would talk to myself. I craved a friend. Just someone. Anyone. But it never happened. No friendly co-workers, nobody I met at the library or Yolanda's. It's just me. I'm afraid I've lost my ability to even socialize. Yeah there was Mathew and Tyler, but was I even that friendly?
Okay, maybe I was a little too friendly with Mathew... Take it from my side. A hot guy suddenly shows up in my life for the first time in at least four years, wanting to be with me. I'm alone in this world.
I am alone, and I am not happy.
I am lonely.
Alone.
And I blame myself for it.