A few weeks later
Louis' Point of View:
"You have everything, right?" My mom asked, for probably the hundredth time as I threw my suitcase into Harry's car.
"Yes, Mom." I chuckled, hugging her and kissing her cheek again.
"Make sure you call me!" She said frantically, as I ushered her back into the house.
"It's just a few days Mom. I'll call you before and after we audition if I can. It'll be hard to find a phone and they don't let you use mobiles in the studio."
"I know," she sighed. "You'll be great. I love you." She cooed, before hugging me one last time and going back into the house. When I turned around I saw Alice standing in the street in front of my house.
"Hello, beautiful." I said, excitedly walking towards her. I wanted to say goodbye to Alice, but I couldn't wait to leave. I wanted to get to The X-Factor, audition, and know what was about to happen already. The suspense of it all was killing me.
"Hey." She said, very quietly with her eyes on the ground.
"What's wrong?" I asked, tilting her head up with my hand so I could see her face. I needed Alice to be in a good mood today. I couldn't just leave her upset.
"Nothing, nothing." She tried to convince me, and I clearly wasn't believing her. "I'm just really gonna miss you." She finally confessed. She sounded like she was about to cry.
"Babe," I laughed a little, hugging her and letting her rest her head on my chest, "it's only a few days, you know that."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." She said, pulling herself away from me and quickly wiping her eyes.
"Then why are you so upset?" I asked seriously.
"I just don't like being alone. I don't like being without you. I'm really gonna miss you, Louis." Tears started filling her eyes again. I don't know why she was so upset over a few days, but I knew I wanted her to be happy again, to smile at me before I left.
"Like I said, it's just a few days. You won't even realize I'm gone, I promise. Now please be happy. I can't leave until you're happy." I pleaded as I rubbed up and down her arms. She laughed a little and sniffled.
"Ok, ok, go!" She laughed, "go become a member of the next big boyband and make teenage girls cry with your voices, and sell out arenas, and make millions, and bask in your fame and riches for the rest of your life." She joked, dramatically, draping her arms around my neck.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, now." I joked, kissing her lips for what felt like hours. It was one of those kisses that I could only experience with Alice. The way we kissed always made me like her even more.
"Bye." She said, seriously when we separated. I couldn't help but notice the sad look that had returned to her eyes, but I knew she was trying to hide it.
"Bye." I said, kissing her again. She started playing with the necklace I had given her. I thought about the photo and the inscription and smiled. Always. I couldn't think of a better word to describe our relationship.
"I hate to break this up, but we really should go." Harry yelled, standing next to the car. I pecked Alice's lips one last time and started walking towards Harry.
"Louis I lo-" She started speaking again and I turned around, but she cut herself off quickly. "I, uh, I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too, babe. See you soon." I chuckled a little at my adorable girlfriend as I finally got in the car.
"Ready?" Harry asked when I got in.
"Yeah." I sighed. This was huge. This audition was everything. It isn't even enough to say I was nervous. I was terrified.
"I can't fucking wait to tell everyone!" I shouted, banging the steering wheel as we pulled onto my street. The boys all laughed and shouted in agreement. We had decided not to tell anyone the good news until we could do it in person. God, I was excited. My hands were shaking and my heart was beating almost as fast as it was when we auditioned. Almost.
"Louis, drive faster!" Niall shouted from the back. I laughed and stomped on the gas. Within seconds we were in front of my house again, all of our families and friends inside, waiting to hear what happened.
We walked in silently, just like we had planned. I could see on the boys' faces that they were about to burst with excitement and it was more than difficult to keep our composure.
"They're here!" I heard my mom yell from the kitchen and everyone, all of our parents, siblings, and friends ran over to meet us.
"So, what happened?" Harry's mom finally asked. There was a moment of complete silence. We all looked at each other and smirked.
"Well," I said calmly, "we got in. We made it!" I yelled. Everyone practically screamed with excitement and ran over to hug us. I hugged my mom, and even all four of my sisters congratulated me with enthusiasm. That's when I realized someone was missing.
"Where's Alice?" I asked Lily when she walked by me.
"Oh," She stopped quickly, turning to face me, she looked shocked by my quesiton, "I'm not sure. I told her to come. She's not here?"
"Not that I know of." I mumbled. I walked over to my mom, who was practically sobbing she was so happy. "Mom, have you seen Alice? Is she here?"
"Well, now that I think of it, I don't think I've seen her either." My mom said, sounding just as confused as I was. Why wouldn't she come. This must be some kind of mistake. "Maybe she got the time wrong or something. Why don't you go to her house, see what happened?"
"Yeah I think I will." I said, stepping back towards the door. "And of course I need to tell her the good news, right?" My mom beamed when I brought it up again, making me laugh.
I practically ran to Alice's house. I was so excited, not just to tell her, but to see her again. Even a few days without her is practically impossible for me to bear. I laughed a little. Some people would probably say that being so dependent on someone was unhealthy, but I didn't see it that way. I think it's important to have someone to constantly miss when you're apart. That way you always have something to look forward to.
I knocked on the door hard and it was quickly opened by Alice's cousin, Daniel. "Louis?" He seemed shocked to see me. Maybe Alice, somehow, had no idea we were even back yet.
"Hey, um, is Alice home? She was supposed to be at my house with everyone." I explained quickly, looking past him to see if she was in the house.
"What?" He seemed even more shocked and confused.
"Yeah, everyone's at my house. We just got back from our audition." I had no idea why he was acting so odd. I just wanted to see Alice.
"She didn't tell you." He almost whispered, more to himself than to me. My head snapped in his direction and my eyes met his.
"Didn't tell me what?" I asked, laughing a little because I didn't know what else to do. Alice told me almost everything, things she didn't even tell Daniel. How could there be anything I didn't know?
"Louis, I don't know how to tell you this," He stuttered a little. Now I was nervous. My stomach felt like it was doing flips and my hands started to sweat.
"Tell me what?" I asked frantically.
"Alice is gone. She moved out a few days ago. I thought you knew, I thought she told you." He was still talking, but I had stopped listening. Why would she leave? Why would she move without telling me?
"But she would have told me that. How could she move and not tell me?" I asked out loud, but I was talking to myself at this point.
"This is what she does." Daniel explained calmly. "She runs away. She always has. She did it to me when she was younger, and now I guess she's doing it to you. She doesn't know how to let people in, how to care about people, so she runs."
"No." I said quietly. "No." I repeated, my volume getting increasingly louder as I continued to process what was happening. "No she wouldn't do that."
"I'm sorry." He said, quietly. Much calmer than I was."Can you at least tell me where she went? You have to have her address or something right?" I sounded completely frantic and insane at this point, but I didn't care.
"I do have her address, and I swear I would give it to you if I could, but I can't. If she wanted you to know where she was going she would've told you. I just got Alice to trust me again. If I told you where to find her we would both lose her. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. I can't lose her again." I hated what he was saying, but I understood it. We both knew that if Alice found out Daniel helped me find her she would never trust either of us again. "I know this is hard to understand, but you have to know that her leaving doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. I don't know why she is how she is, but this is what she does to the people she cares about most."
I nodded. I didn't have anything to say, so I just stood there for a second. "Well, thanks anyway." I said quietly, like he'd told me she just stepped out for an hour or something, "I'll see you around."
"Wait!" He said, just as I started walking away. "Wait here, I just remembered something." He ran up the stairs towards Alice's room and came back down a few minutes later. "I found this after she left. I think it's for you. I didn't realize it until just now." It was an envelope with the initials LT written on the front in Alice's handwriting.
"Thank you." I mumbled before leaving. I walked to a bench a few feet away from Alice's house. I sat down and opened the envelope to find a letter inside. She left me a letter. I was almost afraid to read it. Part of me didn't want to know why she left, but a bigger part of me still hoped she would tell me where she was and that she still wanted to be with me. I slowly unfolded the lined piece of paper and carefully read every word.
Louis,
Somehow I always knew this day would come, but I guess I was just too afraid to even let myself think about it. I know by now you already know I'm gone. I am so sorry, Louis. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry we ended like this, I never wanted us to, believe me. I'm sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry I let you waste so much of your time on me. I was never worth it, I never deserved you, and you didn't deserve me. You deserve a girl who can love you with her whole heart, not one who is too afraid, or too damaged to ever express her love to you.
Maybe our timing was off. Maybe if it had been a year earlier, or a year later this would've worked, we would've worked. But we didn't, and we won't. We met when we did and, as much as I hate it, we won't work. You're going off to live your dream, and I'm going to university and I can't hold you back. I know if you made it you would make sure you made time for me, but I can't let you do that. I can't be the reason you didn't live your life to the fullest while you had the chance. Or maybe I'm doing this for me. Maybe I need to know that I can make things better for myself by myself. I need to know that bad things happen and I'll be able to get through them alone, because, as of right now, I don't think I could get through anything without you.
I need you to do something for me. Don't let me ruin this for you. Don't be sad, don't cry, don't let this take away from the fact that your dream is about to come true. Find a girl who loves you as much as I do, but actually shows it. A girl who actually appreciates how wonderful, and brilliantly talented, and beautiful you are. Find a girl who actually shows you how much she appreciates all the little things you do, like the way you hug her, and the way you laugh, and the way you make her laugh. Hate me if you want. Hate me with everything you have, hate me for the rest of your life, vow to never forgive me, but please don't forget me. Look back on the time we spent together and hate me, but don't hate what we had. I won't forget. I won't forget the dance we went to when we kissed in the rain, I won't forget our first date at the park, I won't forget the beach. I won't forget how you held me when I cried. I won't forget how you became the only person I could really trust. I won't forget how you listened when I needed to talk, how you talked when I needed to listen, and how you always knew which to do. And, most importantly, I will never forget you, Louis Tomlinson. I will never regret you, I will never wish you hadn't come into my life, because as much as this hurts there was a time when you were exactly what I needed, and I will always be grateful for that.
So this is it. I've never been good at goodbyes, but I guess that's because I've never really had to say goodbye to anyone. I've never cared about anyone like I care about you and that's what makes this so hard. I've never loved anyone before. That's right, I love you, Louis. I hate myself more than you will ever know for not telling you that sooner, but I think I would've hated myself even more if I never told you at all. Who knows what's best for us? I don't, but I think this is it. Maybe one day our paths will cross again, and if I could be so lucky I would hope you could at least look me in the eye and let me explain how sorry I am, but I would understand if you couldn't. I don't expect you to love me back, or forgive me, but I need to do this. I am so sorry. Goodbye Louis. Thank you for everything. You mean the world to me. You may be out of my life, but you are not gone. You will always be my favorite memory, and my only first love.
Always,
Alice.
She loved me. She loved me and she just left me. How could she do that? How could she not tell me that? Always? Always? She doesn't know the meaning of the word. She doesn't love me. If she loved me she would have stayed, wouldn't she? Is she that fucking scared? What is she so afraid of? That was why she was so upset when I left. She was planning on leaving while I was gone. She wasn't saying goodbye for a few days, she was saying goodbye for good.
The sickest part of all of this is that I do love her back. I wish I didn't, I would do anything to not love her right now, but I do. It's like she didn't even know that, yet somehow she used it against me. How can a person love someone who can just leave them? How do I still love her just as much as I have since I first spoke to her?
I walked home, tears rolling off of my cheeks and shattering on the concrete sidewalk. My mind was filled with so many questions, so much anger, and so much sadness. I quickly wiped my eyes before walking in the house. The only people left were the boys and Lily and Danielle. They were waiting for me and Alice. Just like me, they thought they'd see her again, but now there was no way to know if any of us would. That's when I realized it myself. I may never see Alice again. How can you go from needing a person to accepting the fact that they're gone?
They all looked at me with confused faces.
"Woah, what happened?"
"Louis are you ok?"
"Where's Alice?"
"Did something happen to her?" I don't know who said what. My head was a mess and all of their voices mixed with each other and the voice in my head and made me even more confused.
"She's gone," was all I could say, "she's gone, and she's not coming back." I threw the letter on the table they were all sitting at and went up the stairs to my room. Once I was finally alone I didn't stop myself. I cried my eyes out, I screamed into my pillow, I punched my bed over and over again. How could she do this to me? How could she just run away?
Let me know what you think of this chapter by commenting or messaging me on tumblr at http://duncastah.tumblr.com/faqask you don't have to have a tumblr to message me and I'd really like to know what you think, especially of this chapter. Thanks for reading. xx