I was in a private facility connected to a privately owned hospital. Several doctors owned the property, buildings and ran the programs. I didn’t even know that places like this existed until I was checked in. I had my own room and bathroom. My bathtub was a white bowl in the back of the room with a large shower head in the middle. No curtin, hmm. It was kinda like staying in a nice hotel, but with a strict schedule, odd rules and you can’t leave.
The most unexpected thing for me was being watched. By male and female nursing staff. Everything you do is recorded. In fifteen minute interval, someone has their eyes on you. This is to make sure you don’t die in case you do try to kill yourself. I rubbed the bottom of my nose with a finger in our first “Getting to Know You” meeting. One of the male nurse came around with hand sanitizer for everyone. “Somebody didn’t wash their hands after picking their nose” Everyone got sanitized.
They tried to dress it up in a nice facade but this was just a good ole madhouse. I never dreamed in a million years I’d be here. Or that I’d lose a baby. We had group. You could choose to participate. You could choose to speak. Spoiler, if you didn’t choose to participate, your were staying. I listened to my fellow patients and cried a lot. One was homeless but a church had paid for them to be here. Their family had kicked them out because of who they chose to love. Another was going through a divorce after taking care of the spouses dying family.
I felt so shitty for being there, like I had it so much better than they did. Most of them had really been through it. Several had been here or other places multiple times. We watched movies together in the evenings and talked the nurses into giving out extra snacks. I saw my parents with my doctor everyday. My meds were adjusted and a new one was added. About two weeks in visitation was about to start. I was expecting my mom or dad, but someone else came through the door.
“Johnny?” I was so confused. My father followed behind.
“Look who I found in the courtyard.” I hugged Johnny and he held me tight. It felt good and something inside of me relaxed for the first time since I lost my little one. I wanted to cry but I swallowed it down before pulling away
“How did you? Why are..” My mind went to the worst place possible.”Is she?”
“No, she is still fighting. But she has been admitted to the ICU here.” We walked over to the sitting area and Johnny sat next to me. “She’s not doing well. She has stopped responding to treatment, so..” The tears well-up in his eyes and he laid his head on my shoulder. My dad got up and I’m not sure where he went. “I don’t know what's going to happen to me and Ruby. The house isn’t paid for, Mom isn’t coming home…” He broke down and I shifted so I could hold him.
“Sshhh, you always have me and my family. I may be crazy now, but it’s the good kind of crazy. Like don’t get me wrong it’s still going to have it’s dark and twisted, pits of hell days, but most of the time it’s not. Most of the time it’s, let’s make a fairy fort in the living room and watch Disney movies. Let’s rent a bounce house for the weekend.” He chuckled and sighed. Good. “ I’m making real progress here. I used to think trauma was like an accident or war. Even with my brother I didn’t think I...” I began to stroke his hair. “We’ve both been traumatized, Johnny.”
We were quite for a moment, until my dad came back. Johnny sat up. I squeezed his hand to let him know it was ok. The weight of a parent passing, no one else but a baby to call family. The thoughts that must be racing through his brain.”How is Ruby?”
“Your mother is actually watching Ruby right now. Laura is sleeping. Johnny and Ruby are going to stay with us at the rental.” I was surprised. My parents always liked Johnny but taking in a baby? “Can’t have them trying to stay in that awful hospital room.”
Johnny tried to protest for what I’m sure was the hundredth time. But my father had made up his mind.
Johnny came to visit every day for a week and a half. His mother was still the same. Alive, but mostly dead, was the way he said it to me. Sometimes we would talk about nothing. Sometimes we would both cry, sometimes we were quite while we held each other. In between the sometimes we talked about what it might be like after all this. To feel normal,or at least kind of again. To feel settled.
We had been talking about going home for a few days in my doctor visits. This might be the day. My mother was the one at my appointment. The doctor just went over my chart and noted all my challenges and changes. He sighed a piece of paper and I went to pack my room. Less than ten minutes later I walked through the door outside to put my bags in the trunk. But my mother didn’t get in the car.
“I know you wanted to get cleaned up to go see Laura but, he need to go in now” I walked at a fast pace back into the elevators. I jogged to the ICU, but a nurse stopped me. I had gone past my mother
“Im sorry I can only admit family. I haven’t seen you before. Who do you belong to?” Dammit. Johnny saw me after I caused a ruckus.
“She’s my wife. She belongs to me.” The nurse rolled her eyes but let me go through. I expected to hug Johnny, but he tipped my head back and kissed me. He kissed me like we were together and he hadn’t seen me in years. Before I could say anything, we were in Laura’s room. I immediately wanted to cry. She was already gone. They had taken all the tubes and lines out of her. A nurse had taken care of her and she looked asleep. Very thin, pale and asleep.
“Oh Johnny, I”m so sorry.” He pulled me into his body and his arms tightened around my waist. He squeezed so hard it actually hurt. But I couldn’t say anything. His mother had just died. His breath was rapid and hot. My lungs burned from holding my breath. An acid sigh leaked out. “It’s fucked up and nobody can tell you why. I’m sorry”
“I need you.” His voice cracked and my heart split.
“It’s ok, Johnny. I''m always here, ok.” A slight knock on the door caused him to jerk. An older woman came in. Johnny went rigid as soon as he saw her. She was an older woman with kind eyes that seemed tired. She didn’t seem particularly happy to be here, even so.
“I’m so sorry to have to do this so soon, but we are going to need to move Ms. Johnson. That means we need to determine what will happen with Ruby. “ My mother opened her mouth. “I have already submitted paperwork for temporary placement with Mr and Mrs Beaumont. However that has not been approved, so we have to place Ruby with family or existing foster families.”
“I’m eighteen, I’m legally an adult. I’m her family, she belongs with me.” Johnny sounded angry. He stepped in front of me, blocking the way between the door and Ruby. “I have a job, I can make it work.” The women sighed.
“Johnny, we have been over this. You are eighteen, however, you are still in high school. You are single and you have no other family to help you raise a child.” She laid a hand on his arm. “ I don’t want to separate you two, but I have to do what is best for Ruby'' He yanked his arm away.
“What's best is for her to be with me!” I touched his face, it was warm to the touch, flushed with his emotion. Panic, fear, confusion. His hands squeezed my waist.
“Hey, Hey. Listen, listen. Lets ask some questions.” I turned away from him to the women.
“How is it possible for us to keep Ruby? How does Johnny get to keep her?” She went through her papers for a moment then seemed to take a moment to think about it.
“Technically Johnny can petition for Ruby, as he is family, I’m just saying chances are low. Anything that makes his life more stable and conducive to a happy and healthy life for Ruby, makes him look more appealing for placement.” She handed me a few papers. “Listen, for tonight you guys can take her. I’ll call you in the morning.” I wasn't sure what to do. Johnny just pulled me into him and we followed my parents out to the car. Ruby’s car seat was between us. She was tired and fell asleep with each of us holding hands.there wasn’t much talking, we all were processing
Johnny took my hand late in the evening and we went walking around the small park across the street. The place was empty and after swinging and some well deserved laughs, we sat on a bench. He curled into my side. I kissed his head and stroked his hair. I felt him take a deep breath.
“Lil, you know I love you. I know you love me and Ruby. I can’t lose her.” He grabbed my face and kissed me softly, touching our foreheads together. “Will you Marry Me?”