(A/N): I haven't purposely self harmed in almost a year now, and I was having thoughts of burning myself while doing homework, so I stopped homework to come and rant in the form of a story, hurting Jisung yet again in the place of I. 🥲
Please read with a bit of caution although I don't think that this is that bad? Idk, but be careful!!
I think I wrote this in 4 hours, no breaks, so yeah. If it seems rushed, it is. If you see mistakes, no duh. The ending was extremely out of place and I'm sorry!!! I just didn't know how to end it!!
Please enjoy reading, though!
He couldn't sleep. His body was exhausted and his brain hurt, and he had a headache and he just wanted to sleep, even if to just get some relief, but his mind wouldn't shut off. He had extra dance practice today, and he almost collapsed half way through, again. He didn't know why his body was getting so weak. He ate every time he was hungry, and had another water bottle in his hand every time he finished one off. He slept fine-ish every night. He knew that he had to have been doing less work than his members, so why was his body so tired? He knew that he wasn't eating as much as he used to, but he was eating! Everytime his stomach said 'Hi!' he ate. So why?
Maybe he just wasn't cut out for the idol life. Or hell, maybe he wasn't cut out for life at all. He couldn't help but feel that everyone would be better off without him, because let's face the truth, who would want to hang out with such a sore loser like Jisung? He was fat, not skinny like Felix was. He was short, not tall like Hyunjin. He was annoying and not quiet-but-witty like Seungmin was. He was just so unloveable, unlike how loved Jeongin was. And not to mention attention seeking, the opposite of everything Chan was. Changbin was precious to the team, carrying everyone and complementing everyone's personalities with his, unlike Jisung who swallowed them up and put them down with his. And unlike Minho, he didn't have a reason to be on the team. Minho gave everything his all and completed everything with 100% accuracy, and was so amazing and perfect and just him. Jisung was nothing. He put in all his effort and got nowhere. He put in everything he had and still had no way to run when all his energy was spent. He was nothing to his team, and could be replaced. Stay Kids should've been 7 members. Not 8. Never should've been 8.
~
He just woke up. He remembered people trying so hard to wake him up, but he couldn't. He felt them shake him, felt their joking words pierce his heart, felt them leave him alone after trying to wake him for 45 minutes straight. He wasn't able to move his body or open his eyes. He just felt their words.
Without realizing, he was glaring at the clock. The poor thing was being violated by his gaze. It read 3:23. His breathing picked up. The dried tear tracks on his face itched, but he left them alone. He deserved all the annoyance he got, because he was too a nuisance who annoyed others.
The once dried tear tracks turned into wet ones over time. Hyunjin was in Jeongin's bed. He was sleeping, too. He'd been one to try to wake him up this morning though, so he must have been napping. In courtesy of him, he should keep his ugly mouth shut so he doesn't wake him up. He turned away from Hyunjin and the shouting clock, which in reality, was silent. He just wanted to leave.
~
"Jisung, are you okay?" Jisung knew he wasn't okay, but why would he worry about himself? He'd just woke Hyunjin up, and Hyunjin was sleeping and he just rudely woke him up. His breathing got heavier, but it felt like he couldn't breathe at all, no air was going through his mouth or nose, and he couldn't breathe.
"Sung, what's wrong?" Hyunjin's voice was nothing but kind and worried, but Jisung swore that he was annoyed. Who wouldn't be? Jisung was breathing too loud, or something, because Hyunjin was awake and Hyunjin had been asleep 5 minutes ago, and Jisung woke him up.
"'M fine, Hyunjin. I'm sorry, it's my fault you're awake, right? Sorry I'll leave," He scattered, going to the bathroom instead, never waiting for Hyunjin's response. There in the bathroom, he sobbed. His panic attack lessened and he headed in the kitchen.
~
"Hey, Jisung, sleep well?" Changbin joked. Jisung tried to smile, tried to laugh. He couldn't. He couldn't so he turned away. That way Changbin wouldn't notice, hopefully.
"Heh, um, did you actually sleep well though?" Jisung was questioned. 'An actual question?' He thought.
"Yeah, haha, so well I couldn't wake up." He tried to joke back. Changbin shifted uncomfortably.
"You okay?"
"Uh huh." Jisung fled towards the kitchen to escape the onslaught of questions.
~
"Woo, Sungie, whatcha running from?" Felix giggled. He and Jisung had clashed. Er, well, Jiusng had clashed into Felix. Jisung tried to smile again but it just. Wouldn't. Work.
"Just tryna get away from Changbin Hyung's bad jokes is all," Jisung tried to joke, but it was so stiff coming from his mouth. Felix's smile grew gentler and he seemed like he understood something that Jisung didn't.
"That's fine then, haha! Hyungs jokes are just that bad sometimes," Felix briefly hugged Jisung, and ran off into the front room, the room which Jisung rushed out of. Jisung disregarded why Felix would go into the front room, instead of going into the kitchen like he was originally going to.
~
Minho was in the kitchen reading his new book that his mom sent to him over the weekend. It was called "Day by Dusk of Night" by Susan Freeweather and Jisung thought it looked cool.He might read it if Minho let him.
Jisung's stomach was trying to say 'Hi!' so Jisung looked for something to eat. He wasn't hungry, but he ate. Cereal is what he decided on. Maybe that would fill him up for the rest of the day so he wouldn't have to eat anything else and become even fatter than he already was. He ate slowly. So much so, all the members filtered in and out. He tried to hug Jeongin, once. Minho had asked if Jisung would get up and get him the iced tea in the fridge, and he did. He tried to hug Jeongin.
"Ew," He muttered and pushed him off. Jisung let him. He had a feeling it was a joke. He knew that Jeongin wouldn't say that to hurt his feelings. He must have been trying to lift his spirits. 'Ew' echoed throughout his mind. He handed Minho his tea. It must have been an hour since he had sat down and tried to eat again. He was done. He couldn't finish the other half of the bowl. He got up, ready to throw the soggy cereal down the drain. CRASH And he saw a drenched Minho. The milk was thrown down Minho's shirt, soaking him through. Jisung's legs gave out from underneath him. He had fallen and spilled the remains of his lunch/breakfast on Minho. Minho was getting up to leave and had made it so close to the exit but Jisung just had to get up and just had to collapse for the 5th time that week, right in front of Minho. He felt like he was going to have another panic attack.
"Jisung!" Minho had yelled. He was angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry He hated Jisung. He was mad and mad and mad and he hated Jisung so much but not enough because he yelled for Chan. Chan came running and he was soon being cradled by Chan's arms and hugged and all he could do was watch the milk and soggy cereal drip off of Minho and his book. His book was probably permanently ruined and Minho's mom was going to be mad and Minho was mad and Jisung hated himself so much more now.
"It's alright, honey, breathe, it'll be okay." Chan mumbled. Jisungs legs were trapped under his body and he tried to disappear into Chan's chest but it wasn't working and he was going to pass out if he looked at Minho and he just wanted to die. The other members were probably watching and looking at stupid, stupid Jisung and mad, ruined Minho and saint-in-disguise Chan and Jisung thought he was goint to throw up.
"I'm Sorry," Words weren't cooperating and Jisung's throat was on fire and he felt like he was actually going to pass out-
And he did.
~
Jisung had woken up from passing out at 5 ish. He was so disappointed in himself, he didn't know what to do. The antis were right, it turns out. Jisung really couldn't do anything right. He was useless and only caused trouble for those around him. He wished that his members didn't have to deal with him anymore, but he didn't want to kill himself. No matter how much he craved death he would not kill himself.
"Hey, Jisung Hyung. Do you want to come with us to that one place we eat at?" Seungmin impatiently asked. Seungmin had come in, interrupting his downwards spiral that was leaving him light headed again. He'd probably just wanted to leave and go eat, but was forced by one of the hyungs to ask him to come, if he was awake. It was just Seungmin's doom that his eyes were open.
"No," He had muttered cowardly, "I'm okay, Seungmin, thanks." He'd wanted to say but Seungmin had already fled the room. He wasn't having the best thoughts. He wanted to yell for Seungmin to come back, but he's made enough trouble as it is, and his throat wouldn't work anyways. He couldn't get his body to cooperate today. He glanced at the lighter across the room. He knew he shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. He gave in, weak as always.
~
🐿️ Quokka 🐿️
6:13 PM
Jisung: channie hyug plese
Jisung: i didn't mean to
Jisung: i kmow I cause problms and
Jisung: pease dont be mad hyungie
Jisung: i realky didny mean to
Jisung: burns so mych hyung i did it again
Jisung: i didn't wan to
Jisung: my head told me to and I didmt wabt tp
Jisung: please come hime soon
OUnread
~
"I didn't mean to, they know I didn't-" Jisung thought, rocking back and forth, back and forth. "They have to know," Tears ran down his face, his burnt arm clutched to his chest. He was alone. It's his fault he was always alone. Today was rough, and he didn't know what to do. He was still alone and he knew that it is 100% fault, because he sent the texts to Chan 20 minutes ago and he wasn't answered and he was still alone. It was such a bad reason to cry, but Jisung hurt and now couldn't breathe. He needed someone, anyone really.
~
Everything was his fault. It was his fault that he went to bed late, mind plagued by terrible thoughts that just wouldn't go away. His fault he slept through the multiple attempts that his members made to wake him up on time for the day. His fault for sleeping in, and when he finally woke up, thrown into a panic attack. His fault for breathing too loud, waking up Hyunjin from his afternoon nap since he wasn't able to sleep last night. His fault for making Changbin uncomfortable since he couldn't laugh at his jokes he made of Jisung. It was his fault he couldn't smile back at Felix, despite trying so hard. His fault for Jeongin muttering 'ew' when he tried to hug him to make his heart stop compressing. His fault for spilling his milk down Minho's chest since his body gave out underneath him, making Minho so angry at him. His fault for Chan then having to carry him to his room, to 'rest', since his body decided to 'fuck it!' and faint. His fault for ruining the mood with his monotone voice apologizing, which cracked from the panic attack from earlier, which Hyunjin completely forgot about. His fault for his face being as ugly as it is. It was his fault his body was weak. His fault for the lighter looking so appetizing. His fault for wanting to burn. It was always his fault, he deserved the hurt.
~
"Jisung, come in and eat so you can become big and strong!" Chan's sweet voice joked, trying to create a sense of normality.
It's all his fault for self harming after being clean for a year
"Sorry Hyung, not hungry" He texted Changbin, since Chan didn't answer his texts before. He tried to get the burn ointment from under his bed but his arm kept burning and hurting and rubbing against his sheets. He cried and cried but stayed silent. He didn't lock the door. Shooting up with intention, he almost fell over since his head was so filled with cotton. He crouched back down, cuddling his arm to his chest. His ears were full with water and he couldn't see.
"-sung" He faintly heard, but he couldn't hear, he wasn't worthy enough for Changbin.
"-ungie!" His mind was playing tricks on him, because Minho was mad at him and he screwed up and he needed to apologize to him again to win him back.
"Jisung Hyu-" Jeongin hates him, he hates him, hates him, hates him, hates him-
"Sungie," Felix whispered in his ear. Felix loved him, right? He loves him, Jisung loved them all. Jisung would die for them, but he wants to say sorry first.
"I'm sorry H-" Seungmin shouldn't say sorry, because it's his fault, not theirs!
"No Sung please-" Hyunjinnie, he was pleading? Why, Jisung needed to be the one to do that, he was never able to apologize to him for waking him up.
"Jisung, breathe." The first solid sentence that Jisung heard without it being cut off. Breathe. He couldn't! Channie Hyung, he can't!
"It's okay, Jisung, please, relax, you're okay. It isn't your fault, you don't have to say sorry. We're sorry!" He clutched to Chan. His words were so, so wrong but they comforted him and made him a little bit happier so he held on. His arm burnt and felt crushed between his chest and Chan's but it's okay because it wasn't his fault, now was it?
"I love you." And Jisung's body fainted again. His words hung in the air, being answered by the men who loved him so much back. He was rushed to the hospital, where his diagnosis was brought into the spotlight, it luckily being caught soon enough to where he didn't perrish. He was treated in the hospital, getting better.
Han Jisung is an unstoppable force to not be reckoned with. Not even the claws of death and depression can keep him away from his boys.
(A/N): Yes, some of this did happen to me today. It compelled me to write this after I got blown off by one of my family members again. I wrote this up in 4 hours, and published it! If you enjoyed reading, tell me in the comments!! Tell me what you think!! <3