Karlie wakes up later than she would have liked, not used to the eastern time zone, in a bed that is far emptier than she has become accustomed to. The slender girl raises her arms above her head, tenses her legs outright, in a massive stretch as she glances at the clock that tells her she has almost slept until noon.
It is the model’s first morning back in New York City. Glancing at her phone she sees a text from Josh, causing a quick pang of guilt to stab at her.
7 tonight good?
Karlie had sent a message to Josh before boarding her plane that she was returning home, and they had been in the process of making dinner plans for this evening. Karlie replies affirmatively, but squeezes her eyes tightly shut, wishing she could have woken up more peacefully than that.
What am I going to do? Karlie asks herself. She had returned to her reality. This was her home. Beside her was a picture of her and Josh on a nightstand, on one of their many travels together. Pictures of her family, friends from home, and industry friends were scattered throughout the rest of her condo. Her well established life, the life that she loves, was cemented around her in all different forms as she lies in her bed, pushing off the day as long as she can.
Something had felt clear to her on that road trip, and already being back in New York City she was beginning to wonder what that something was. None of it felt real. Kissing Taylor Swift? Not even that, liking Taylor Swift?
Cheating on Josh. A cruel voice sounds in her own head. The model wipes at the corner of her eye before a tear can potentially fall.
Karlie has been with Josh for over a year now, and she loved him. There was no doubt about that, but she had to admit the chemistry that was present the first half of their relationship had waned, and she didn’t know if she was still in love with the entrepreneur.
Karlie thinks back to the after party she had first met Josh, just after the Victoria’s Secret show in 2012. Just a ticket to the most famous fashion show in the world was a steep $14,000, ensuring that only the wealthiest of viewers would be present at the show. The after party was even more exclusive than that, meaning only the wealthiest of the wealthiest were present. This usually meant pop star celebrities, or incredibly successful (and usually old) businessmen, suspiciously lacking wedding bands despite distinct tan lines present. An hour into the after party that Karlie was obligated to attend, she had retreated to the bar, warding off advances that so many of the men present made towards her. She welcomed the solitude of the bar stool, but didn’t even try ordering a drink. She may be an angel, but she wasn’t going to be served underage here, especially since it could put the brand at risk. She had spun around in her stool, taking in the scene of the party, laughing at her friends reacting much better to the various advances of the men than she had. Karlie felt confident in herself, she was an official Victoria’s Secret Angel after all, but she was the youngest one here by a mile. She hadn’t even allowed her younger sisters to come to the after party, but she felt as out of place as they would have. She turned back around to lean an elbow against the bar when she noticed a lean young man at the opposite end of the counter, looking about as bored as she felt. Was he working the event here? Karlie was sure he wasn’t a famous celebrity, none that she recognized anyway, and he seemed far too young to be here amongst the wealthy businessmen. Maybe a son of one? He didn’t look like the type to beg daddy for a ticket to the show, though, however, as he was less than thrilled to be here. He ran a hand through his messy dark hair absentmindedly, staring down at his phone. Karlie was sure no other guys here were studying their phone, based on the forty or so models present. Karlie couldn’t help herself, she was curious. Karlie had got up and walked over to the tall, dark, and handsome man she learned was Josh.
Josh was different. He was driven, not by money (he grew up having lots of that), but by the goal of proving himself as an individual, not just a member of prestigious Kushner family. He didn’t want to be seen as someone whose success was accredited to his father’s success, his older brother’s success, or the family’s plentitude of wealth. For that reason he buried himself in his studies and his work, believing rest was for the weak, and that he had no choice but to prove himself. This was the main cause of his always messy black hair, often sticking up in chaotic positions. His hand was always running through his hair, sometimes gripping strands of hair tightly and tugging; a nervous tick Karlie found to be endlessly endearing, even now. It was a tick that she noticed the very first time talking to Josh, and a tick that was present even when they spent time together in the present. Josh was shy, sometimes even guarded or awkward. He was confident about his work, about his business pursuits, because they were what he knew. He knew every in and out of his work, because he spent hours studying it. He was a perfectionist. Anything that couldn’t be perfected or rigorously studied caused his nerves to be on end. Karlie had known this from the start, she never expected any grand romantic gestures from the entrepreneur. You can’t study romance, you can’t predict romantic outcomes. She never intended on trying to change who he was, she knew he cared about her. Lately, however, she was wondering what he cared about more: his business or Karlie?
If I had a problem I should have forced us to talk about it. Nothing gives me an excuse to cheat on anybody, ever. Karlie thinks to herself, waves of guilt beginning to drown her with each passing moment. What the fuck was I thinking? The thing was, she didn’t even know what she was thinking. How was she to know she was going to develop feelings for the very female pop star, female being the key word. Was it really cheating, at first anyway? I was so confused…
Karlie finally gets up from bed and heads to the bathroom to warm the shower up. The model stares at herself in the bathroom mirror, as it begins fogging up. She notices faded mascara tear lines stuck to her cheeks, leftover from last night as the reality of her situation collapsed on her. The model’s long fingers find the sink and run cool water over her fingers to then wipe at her cheeks. She lets out a sigh, noticing how exhausted she looks. She strips off her pajamas and steps into the shower, welcoming the slight burn the water brings her as it pounds on her. She stands under the searing water as long as she can before lowering the temperature.
What am I even stressed about? Karlie asks herself. Was it because she cheated on Josh? Or was she actually contemplating a situation where she ends up with Taylor?
Karlie loved Taylor, she was her best friend, but what was this road trip? Sure, it brought a smile to her face, and yes she had feelings for Taylor, but what did that really mean? That didn’t mean a future as anything other than friends. Besides, both of them were straight.
What she had with Josh was real, even if it needed work. All long term relationships needed work eventually, that is just part of having an adult relationship.
However, as her thoughts strayed back to the past couple of days, the model can’t keep a smile from her face.
This is so ridiculous. Karlie thinks to herself, feeling slightly embarrassed by herself as she goofily smiles alone. Her week with Taylor had been, well, perfect. She never clicked with a friend in the way she had clicked with Taylor.
Well, maybe because we weren’t clicking as friends.
Karlie shuts off the water, and stands in the shower as she drips dry.
It is my first night back, I don’t need to do anything hasty. I will go over Josh’s tonight. I will call Taylor after. I don’t need to make any decisions about anything tonight, but I probably need to figure out what I am even trying to decide on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie rubs her clammy hands against the silk shirt she is wearing, as she walks up the stairs to Josh’s condo. The short haired girl’s heart is pounding so hard against her chest that it almost felt painful, and she wishes she chose a different shirt but she hadn’t known how much she was going to be sweating. When she finds herself in front of Josh’s front door, she reaches into her denim pocket for her key chain to find the key Josh had given her six months ago as they vacationed at the Bahamas. Josh had laughed and seemed genuinely confused as to why him unexpectedly handing the key to the bikini clad Karlie would bring tears to her eyes. She remembers him reaching out and dabbing at her eyes, with surprisingly gentle fingers.
Those waves of guilt come flooding back, and this time they are crippling. Karlie’s hand pauses just at the lock as she is about to slide the key in.
This is all wrong. This isn’t me, I would never do this. How could I do this to him? Karlie thinks to herself, looking up at the ceiling hoping the tears that have returned once again wouldn’t ruin the make up she had just freshly applied. Even if her road trip with Taylor had been amazing, the mere idea of how badly hurt Josh would be by it all if he knew physically pains Karlie. She hates herself for what she did, and it breaks her heart that she wishes the road trip didn’t happen, despite it being possibly the best week of her life. The timing just wasn’t right. She hates that the best week of her life wasn’t one she has spent with her boyfriend, and she hates that she can’t enjoy memories of that week without feeling like a truly horrible person. None of it was fair, for anyone involved.
Just then, Josh swings the door open, hand already tightly gripping his hair looking nervous.
“Hey, I missed you,” Josh says, leaning in for a quick kiss and a hug. He begins breaking apart from the hug sooner than Karlie is ready for, and the model quickly tightens her hold on the tall man, buying herself time to rid the tears from her eyes.
“I missed you, too,” Karlie says shakily, telling herself she needs to pull it together, to protect both Josh and Taylor. Finally, Karlie releases Josh. She realizes she was able to repress her emotions to protect Taylor, not Josh. And there is the paralyzing guilt again.
“Um, I sort of… Well I set us up dinner,” Josh says, walking ahead of Karlie towards his dining room, his hand still playing in his hair. Josh doesn’t look at Karlie as they both make their way to the entrance, where Karlie stops dead in her tracks, taking in the room.
The dark mahogany dining table is illuminated by half a dozen candles, spaced out evenly among the room. Bottles of fine champagne are on ice stands, and bottles of even finer wine are placed on the table. The table is filled with silver platters and bowls, a variety of all different favorite foods of the model. This was something Josh never does, something Karlie had learned to never expect from him. Josh is looking down at his feet, unable to look at Karlie. The model fully takes him in, his slouching shoulders, messy hair (which is getting messier by the minute), his slightly sweaty shirt showing signs of his nervousness, and is reminded once again of the big, awkward, and incredibly lovable nerd she first fell in love with. However, this isn’t a happy revelation, but rather one that brings tears to her eyes that she can’t stop the flow of, even for Taylor.
Why did I do this to him?
“Hey, what? No, don’t, Karlie,” Josh says, growing even more nervous by Karlie’s reaction. He reaches out and pulls her close, however, after some hesitation. “I’m sorry,” he says simply. “I love you.”
Josh was a man of few words, not because he didn’t care (usually), but because he often didn’t know how to say some things. Of course, there were times when he was a man of few words because he simply was invested in something else at the moment, usually his work, but it was just who he was. This was a gesture that took a lot from Josh, a lot of planning, and for him, a lot of risk taking. He didn’t put himself out there like this often, and definitely not for just anybody. Josh obviously took Karlie’s drunken text message to heart, after all, he wasn’t stupid.
Karlie has never felt guilt quite like this. Had she just remained loyal, for three more days, she would have come home to this and probably cried tears of joy. She would have felt a resurgence of hope and love for her relationship with Josh, but now she has never felt more despicable. She couldn’t enjoy this, how could she enjoy it when she didn’t deserve it?
“I love you, too,” Karlie whispers against his chest.
“Please, sit.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie was lying back down in her own bed alone a mere four hours later as both her and Josh had early mornings for work the next day. Different thoughts raced and battled among themselves behind the model’s forehead, and as she tries to summon up the strength to make her way to the medicine cabinet to get herself some Advil, her iPhone begins vibrating beside her. Her stomach both drops and soars at the sight of Taylor’s contact name signaling an incoming call.
Karlie can’t believe she is staring at the phone, debating whether or not to answer.
What can I even say?
Finally, on the last ring, Karlie can’t help but accept the call.
“Hey,” Karlie says, slightly breathless.
“Hey, how was your flight and everything?” Taylor asks, with sounds of the television playing in the background. Karlie closes her eyes and can almost imagine being beside Taylor watching television in her bedroom.
“It was fine, I got back pretty late. Then slept really late. I have been exhausted all day,” Karlie says, rubbing her fingers against her temple.
“You can go to sleep if you want,” Taylor offers, sounding concerned.
Of course she is worried about me. Karlie smiles shaking her head.
“No, I’m okay,” Karlie replies.
“What’s wrong?” Taylor asks, seemingly out of the blue.
“W-what?” Karlie stammers.
“You seem upset. Is everything okay?” Taylor questions.
How could Karlie have forgotten how observant Taylor is. “Yeah I’m okay… You know, just a little stressed,” Karlie adds at the end. Despite it all, Taylor is her best friend. If she is going to tell anyone she is stressed, it is going to be Taylor.
“You were the one telling me not to worry,” Taylor says softly.
“I said a little, not a lot,” Karlie assures her, a small smile on her face.
The line is silent for a few seconds, before Taylor says, “I wish you were here.”
Karlie thinks about this, and wonders if she wishes the same. She decides she does wish she was back in California with Taylor, but is that because of Taylor alone? Or is the model selfish enough to just wish she felt as carefree as she did while in California?
“I wish I was there too,” Karlie replies softly.
Another period of silence, before Taylor follows up with the question, “Have you talked to Josh?”
“No, not yet. Tomorrow,” Karlie says, leaving out details of their dinner. Her relationship with Taylor is so confusing. She could tell Taylor The Friend about the dinner, but Taylor More Than The Friend might be jealous, even hurt. It is a fine line the younger girl must balance, despite really being in need of Taylor’s advice and friendship.
“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Taylor asks softly.
“I won’t say anything about us, don’t worry,” Karlie replies soothingly, but also avoiding the question.
“Thank you, but that isn’t why I am asking. I’m worried about you. How are you doing?” Taylor asks.
“I just… Taylor, I love him,” Karlie replies, throat burning, staring at her ceiling. She isn’t sure what she means by her response, but she is surprised by the tone of finality she hears in it. She hadn’t wanted that tone to be there, nothing was final yet, she hasn’t figured anything out.
“I know you do,” Taylor says quietly, but Karlie hears the hurt in her voice despite it.
“No, Taylor, that sounded… I haven’t figured anything out yet,” Karlie replies vaguely, but knowing Taylor will understand all the implications surrounding it.
“Karlie… I’m telling you this as your friend, I promise. But… how happy does he really make you? I know he is a good guy, but is he the good guy. I just think you deserve someone more… I don’t know… You are so different,” Taylor says carefully, listening for any sounds Karlie may make on the other end of the line.
“He just gets caught up in work. I haven’t always been clear with him about how I can get hurt by that sometimes,” Karlie replies, doing her best to not sound defensive.
“Karlie… yes you have,” Taylor says softly, but firmly.
Karlie is floored by the response, annihilated by the truth behind it. She hadn’t even realized how often she was telling herself such an untrue statement. Tonight was different though, he was different. She couldn’t tell Taylor that though.
“Taylor, I—“
“Wait, I’m sorry. Yes or no, do you want to talk about this right now? We don’t have to, I’m sorry,” Taylor interrupts.
“Um, no,” Karlie says smiling despite the situation.
“Okay, good, because I have to tell you about this episode of Criminal Minds I watched today,” Taylor says, turning conversation light instantly.
“Oh, Criminal Minds? Mixing it up instead of Law and Order?” Karlie asks smiling, and a big smile at that. Her first one since arriving back home.
“Yeah, I thought I needed to shake up my life a bit but never again will I take such a risk, Karlie. Those criminals are way more scary, I was not prepared for that. Nothing could have prepared me that. Karlie, do you know what Sqweegel is?” Taylor asks, sounding deadly serious.
“Oh my gosh! Wait, yes I do! Kimby made me look that up once!” Karlie shrieks, laughing at the coincidence.
“Karlie, I watched that episode. By accident. Do you know what that does to a person?” Taylor asks, as dryly as ever.
“Aw, baby, I’m sorry,” Karlie laughs, forgetting about everything she had been worrying about all day. “That episode is really scary.”
“Yeah, I know,” Taylor mumbles.
“I would come over and protect you if I could, but I think a state or two might be in the way,” Karlie says smiling, but missing Taylor more than ever.
“Oh… Karlie I have to, like, run something by you,” Taylor says, sounding shy.
“What is it?” Karlie asks, picking up signs of Taylor sounding timid.
“Well, I don’t know if it will freak you out, I don’t want it to. I’m really doing this for me, I just, I need a change. You know that. And—“ Taylor says carefully before getting interrupted by the younger girl.
“Spit it out, Taylor,” Karlie says, sitting up in bed now, having no idea what to expect as she holds the phone against her ear.
“Well… I’m coming to New York City next week to look at some different properties for sale,” Taylor replies.
Karlie is silent for a second before yelling into the phone, causing Taylor to laugh.
“Taylor! Why were you scared to tell me that?! You literally could not have given me any better news!” Karlie says, unable to contain her joy.
“Well… nothing is set in stone. I just need something different Karlie, you made me realize that this week. And… I don’t know, I just don’t want to become jaded or anything. I’m looking at some places in London too, I just need to get away from everything. I want a new start, I guess,” Taylor says, sounding more confident as she goes on.
“Wait, what? London?” Karlie says, sounding much less excited than she had been before.
“Just looking,” Taylor reassures her smiling, hearing Karlie’s worry.
“Taylor, I am all about you getting a new start. You deserve that. But nope, not London, Taylor. I can’t allow that. New York City. I think that is your only option,” Karlie replies, sounding very professional.
“Oh, I’m not allowed to look at London?” Taylor asks, trying to match the model’s tone.
“Absolutely not.”
The girls remain on the line silently, both of them unaware of how big each of their respective smiles are on opposite sides of the coast. Each of them can’t help but imagine what it would be like to live so near to each other. They’d even be together right now, if they were in the same city.
“Wait, when are you coming?” Karlie asks, being the first to break the silence.
“Next Monday, probably,” Taylor replies.
“Nooooo! Taylor, I’m going to be in Paris working,” Karlie groans.
The singer can’t help but feel disappointed herself, but is quick to reassure the younger girl, “That is okay, I will only be there for a day or two, anyway. Want me to send you some links for the places I will be looking at?”
“I already know which property you should get,” Karlie replies sweetly.
“How could you know that?” Taylor asks, sounding confused.
“Whichever one is closest to my condo,” Karlie replies quickly. Taylor can’t keep herself from smiling, lying alone on her bed all the way in California. “I could practically hear your eye roll through the phone,” Karlie laughs.
“Oh, my mistake,” Taylor laughs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even after two hours on the phone, the girls are reluctant to say goodbye to each other. When they finally hang up, Karlie lays back against her pillow smiling, feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off of her shoulders.
How did I cry so much today? The model thinks to herself, all the stress she has been feeling seeming like a distant memory.
She can’t keep a smile from her face, as she gets up and readies herself for bed. Thinking of all the restaurants, bars, sites, and hidden spots that she was going to be able to show Taylor if and when she moves to the city are enough to keep the model up all night if she isn’t careful.
It isn’t until she is lying in bed with the lights off when she realizes how much more complicated her situation will become.
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Okay, I am sorry about how long it has been since I have updated!!! I have like 60 messages in my inbox, I will answer ones that are still relevant questions.
I feel really bad that so many people have been waiting for this, I have been so busy with midterms. I will definitely be updating everyday once again, starting today. I promise you can expect an update tomorrow :)
Also, sorry if this update isn't too eventful, I have to set some stuff up (like the first couple chapters before the road trip).