" I'm not really here, "
- N.V.D
"WAKE UP, JORDIE,"
Kaz Rietveld's broken voice was enough to shatter bullets. His hair was damp - plastered to the sides of his sunken cheeks. His honey brown eyes reduced into sticky rotten pits, filled with misery. His legs kicked aimlessly in the water, throat raw from screaming.
He sunk his head against Jordie's bloated belly, blisters and bruises withering beneath his heavy touch. He let out a mournful moan, hollowing into the bleary night. The wind whistled taunts into his ear, the moon smirking behind the eclipse of the shadows.
"Wake up," he pleaded with the burning stars, wishing that one would fall out the sky and swallow him whole. Kaz had never been religious, but he pressed his lips together and prayed until dawn. He prayed for his brother, for his life, for a future. He prayed for a tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and then the next tomorrow after that. Days bled into sleepless nights and those nights bled into painful mornings. Kaz kicked and kicked until his legs went numb, the harbour a fingertips stretch away.
Jordie was cold against him, his skin, a puckered yellow. Kaz tilted across the waters, nearly capsizing himself. "You can sleep now," He said grimly. He pushed his fingers against his swollen eyelids, cupping a hand against Jordie forehead. "You can sleep,"
He was glad he had been able to save Jordie the horrors of the Reapers Barge. As the days passed, so did the number of bodies. Bloodied limps, trailing intestines, it littered the water, until it was a murky brown.
The rotten spongy smell of vegetables and skin burnt at his nostrils, until it was painful to breathe. Kaz chocked out a strangled breathe of air, scrambling to catch hold of Jordie's waist. He hugged his brother's body close, chest heaving with empty sobs.
He could see Ketterdam's harbour, the moored ships and the occasional dancing troupe. He could hear their laughter flutter towards him, bellows of conversation. Kaz turned his head, raised his arms as high as he could. They didn't see him.
Kaz Rietveld slipped in and out conscience, his mind a tangle of memories. Sleep came rare and valuable, but even then, his dreams a twisted mess of horrors. He imagined tall grass and dark monsters, evil whispers and powerful villains.
One day he dreamt of Dream Jordie and Dream Kaz. He could smell the apples of his da's farm, the bitter taste of horseradish in the air. He'd seen his ma working in the kitchen, cooking apples and cinnamon in copper pots. She'd smile with rouge lips and blow kisses through the open window.
Dream Jordie was sat at the dinner table, scratching away with broken pencils. He waved up at Kaz, a boyish grin sparkling in his brown eyes. He wore shorts and brown tunic, hair swept back behind his ears. Ma drew Dream Jordie to her side, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.
Kaz ran around to the door, tugging hard on the iron stop. The door wouldn't budge. "The door won't open," he yelled, cupping hands across his mouth. He tugged at the handle a second time, forced back by his own momentum.
"Ma," Kaz yelled with a wave. "Let me in," His ma just stared through misty eyes, claws digging into the back of Dream Jordie's neck. "Jordie," Kaz called. "Can you open the door?" Jordie shook his head solemnly, hugging his arms around ma.
Kaz sulked in the grass, watching them with quivering lips. They laughed at him from behind the glass, jeering and smiling over refreshing mugs of lemonade. His throat was dry and scratchy, sounding like rock on rock.
After a few moments of muffled sobbing, Dream Jordie walked towards the window. His eyes were blank, his grin not matching the bleakness of his eyes. Dream Jordie ran a hand through his hair, tilting his head back and forth.
"I won't let you," Dream Jordie sneered, sticking his arm out the window. Kaz leant forward to grab hold of his brother's hand. He slipped through his fingers. Kaz screamed, falling onto the grass.
Dream Jordie's face had contorted. The skin was puckered and blue, lips swollen and flat like deflated balloons. His belly was round and bloated, gas caught in his intestines. Dream Jordie crawled out the window, bloodied hands pinching at Kaz's skin with giggles.
Kaz woke up with a start, head pounding with the beginnings of a horrible migraine. He rolled onto his belly in the cold water, arms firmly secured around Jordie. His eyes were closed, his arms looped around the buckle of his belt. Soon sleep greeted him again.
Kaz Rietveld was dreaming once more. He was dreaming of her.
Kaz woke in this new world with a jump. He was in water, wearing nothing but his underclothes. But the water was cool and refreshing, clear and pale as the sky blue. Fishes swam alongside him, nipping at the tips of his toes. He wasn't too cold and the sun smiled warmly upon his skin.
He didn't bare out of breathe as he swam along the banks of the seemingly endless river. "Is anyone there?" Kaz asked cautiously after a while. He turned in a circle in the stream, scrubbing at his palms.
"Kaz," Natasha Van Doren appeared from the shadows. Her silver eyes glistened like kind stars, twinkling like rough cut diamonds. Her skin was tan in the sun, her full lips coloured like the skin of a peach.
"Natasha," Kaz splashed through the water, hugging her tight. Her body was real against his, her arms twisting around his back in rejoined joy. They held each other there for a few moments, smiling into the crook of necks.
"You're here," Kaz said breathlessly. Her dark hair was pinned back neatly, red roses tucked into the curves of her plait. She tilted her head against her shoulder watching him with an acute eye.
"You're dreaming, Kaz," Natasha said almost sadly. She turned away from him, moving towards the end of the river bank.
"Come back," Kaz yelled. He swam over to Natasha in a tangle of limbs. "You can't leave me, not yet," He watched her sniff, button nose twitching. She looked down at her lap, fiddling with the lacy hem of her white dress.
"I'm not really here," Natasha smiled. She held Kaz's hands in hers, tracing the back of his hand with hers. "You know where you really are," In a fade of colour, reality bled back into his mind. Natasha was still bobbing by his side, a lantern of light in the night.
"Where are you, Natasha?" Kaz said desperately. He longed to go back to the clean river, swim with Natasha and feel happy again. He turned towards her dim shadow, Jordie tight in his grip.
"I'm right here," Natasha said happily. "Follow me," She talked lightly, her skin glowing with golden light. She kept the shadows at bay, forcing them into the deepest depths of the Reapers Barge.
"You're are not alone, Kaz," She reminded him. Natasha was springy from the swim, her hair a tangle of rose petals. "I'm with you and I'll be with you when you arrive," Natasha spun tales off her childhood, talking about the things they would do.
"First you'll take bath," She raised a brow, laughing slightly. "Then you'll warm by the fire and Milo will keep you company,"
"The goat," Kaz grinned. "You never got rid of it?"
"It pained da to kill such an intelligent animal," Natasha said. "He grazes in our garden. Make sure you don't eat the curried lamb around him, Milo get sensitive around his brothers and sisters - especially, when they're covered in spices,"
Kaz laughed a sore laugh, that made his throat hurt. "Then ma will serve warm milk and Mariam's chocolate muffins," Kaz groaned into Jordie's chest.
"Kaz," she whispered, swimming over to his side. Her voice was syrupy and thick like honey. "Kaz, you need to keep going," She tilted a hand beneath his chin, staring straight into the flames of his eyes.
"I can't," he said in a broken voice. He held a hand against her cheek to see if she was real. Natasha stayed solid, reaching up to press his hand against her skin. "I can't do it,"
"Kaz," Natasha repeated in a determined voice.
"I can't, Natasha," He sobbed, looking down at Jordie's lifeless figure beneath him. "I can't do it anymore, everywhere hurts," He pressed a hand against his throat, choking on salty tears.
"Yes you can," Kaz knew she wasn't real, that she was a figment of his imagination. Yet she looked so magical, so real. If he was insane he was glad he had Natasha to be insane with. "Yes you can, and you will,"
"You got here, Kaz," Natasha said, pointing down the depths of the sea. "You can always go back," She concluded with a smirk, already swimming ahead. He watched her glide away, an elegant swam on rough waters.
"Wait," Kaz yelled. Natasha didn't look back. He screamed a groan of misery, pushing forward with all his strength. Natasha's light bled back into his vision warm and golden in his mind. She was the sun of his solar system.
He gripped sweaty palms around the wooden planks, hauling himself onto the harbour. Natasha had disappeared into the darkness, her light a forgotten memory in the cloud of his thoughts. Kaz smiled at Jordie a final time as he disappeared beneath the stars.
They'd meet again.
He'd meet them both again.
A/N
- Hopefully you guys get the comparisons of this and Chapter 21. I just wanted to make clear that the Natasha in this is a figment of Kaz's imagination - none of it really happened! If you enjoyed please vote and comment, it makes my day!
- rosa <3