I couldn't get Audelia out of my head the past few days I have been riding to meet my fathers army. I couldn't begin to imagine how she felt after she found out that I was the one that almost killed her father. She probably hates me now. As she should, I am a horrible man. I never deserved even an ounce of her attention. But I was being selfish. I wanted one good thing for myself, because I thought that my whole life was horrible, that everything as unfair, but this ride has made me realize that my whole life was an easy ride. I never had to worry about money, or education, not that I needed any, I was born with a talent for swords, and with good looks. I had everything, enough gold to last multiple lifetimes, an army that would fight for me, and the right family name.
Lannister.
I used to be proud of being born Lannister. I used to be proud of being a golden lion. But lately, I have been realizing that I shouldn't. My family, my house isn't clean or honorable, not like the Starks anyway. I mean the whole Royal family is a lie. Joffrey, Myrcella, and Tommen are my children by blood, anyway, they have no right for the Iron Throne. Yet at least one of my sons will sit on it, because everybody thinks they are of Baratheon blood.
"Summoned to court to answer for the crimes of your bannerman Gregor Clegane, the Mountain...", trailed off my father, snapping me back into the present. "Arrive within the fortnight or be branded an enemy to the crown", he continued reading.
"Poor Ned Stark", I whispered under my breath. The honorable wolf shouldn't anger my father, but then again, he has the upper hand. He has my brother.
"Brave man, terrible judgement", said my father, putting down the letter and continuing with skinning his deer that he caught. I stood awkwardly, awaiting whatever he had to say.
"Attacking him was stupid", he finally said and I rolled my eyes.
"You don't say", I murmured and thankfully he didn't hear.
"Lannisters don't act like fools", he continued. He then turned around to me, a knife in hand but he wasn't gripping it threateningly. "Are you going to say something clever?", he asked impatiently. "Go on, say something clever".
"Catelyn Stark took my brother", I said with a lower voice than usual. I looked at him, but he returned to his deer, and I sighed in frustration.
"Why is he still alive?", asked father suddenly and I looked at him confused.
"Tyrion?", I asked unsurely.
"Ned Stark", replied father, and I could tell his was annoyed. I was never the smart one of my siblings.
"One of my men interfered, speared him through the leg before I could finish him", I explained, looking around the tent bored.
"Why is he still alive?", asked father again.
"It wouldn't have been clean", I snapped back.
More like, I did not want to do that to Audelia. I couldn't explain it but she made me feel like no woman has before, not even Cercei and that was alarming to me. I loved Cercei, no one else, so why does Audelia make me feel so... free?
"Clean", scoffed father, turning to me once again. "You spend too much time worrying about what people think of you".
"I could care less about what people think of me", I snap once again. I only care about the opinion of one person, but I doubt I will get to ever talk to her again.
"That's what you want people to think", added father, turning to me.
"It's the truth", I argue.
"When you hear them whispering 'Kingslayer' behind your back, doesn't that bother you?", asked father genuinely curious.
"Of course it bothers me", I say.
Only a handful of people never called me Kingslayer. My sister, brother and father. And of course, Audelia. Why do all my thoughts include her. It is like she lives in my mind. It's exhausting, and painful.
"The lion, doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep", said father matter-of-factly. "But then again, I guess I should be grateful that your vanity got in the way of your recklessness".
I scoffed at his insult but bit my tongue to say nothing back. I didn't want to anger him any more.
"I'm giving you half of our forces, 30,000 men", announced father, which surprised me. He still trusted me to lead half of our forces?
"You will bring them to Catelyn Stark's girlhood home and remind her that the Lannisters always pay their debt", ordered father and I nodded.
"I didn't realize that you placed such a high value on my brother's life", I remarked.
"He's a Lannister", explained father. "He may be the lowest of the Lannisters, but he is still one of us. And every day he remains a prisoner, the less our name commands."
"So the lion does concern himself with the opinions of...", I remarked sarcastically but he stopped me.
"No, it's not an opinion, it's a fact", snapped father.
"If another House can seize one of our own and hold him captive with impunity, we are no longer a House to be feared", continued explaining father and I nodded in understanding.
"Your mother's dead", said father suddenly. The whole atmosphere of this tent changed and I felt myself feel more compassionate towards my father. "Before long, I'll be dead".
"And your brother, and you sister, and all of her children. All of us dead, rotting in the ground", he continued and I flinched at the thought. Thankfully, I wouldn't have to be there when my children would die, I would be long dead before that.
"It's the family name that lives on. It's all that lives on", concluded father. "Not your personal glory, not your honour, but family". He turned to me.
"Do you understand?", he asked, and I nodded.
"You're blessed with abilities few men possess", he continued. "You are blessed to belong to the most powerful family in all of Seven Kingdoms. And you are still blessed with youth. And what have you done with those blessings, huh? You served as a glorified bodyguard for two kings".
I looked at him offended. Being in the King's Guard is my greatest accomplishment. He should at least be proud of me.
"One a madman, the other a drunk", he continued and I couldn't argue there. "The future of our family will be determined in this next few months. We could establish a dynasty that will last a thousand years or we could collapse into nothing, like the Targaryens did".
I flinched at the mention of the Targaryens. What the Mad King did, and what I did to him still haunted my dreams.
"I need you to become the man you were always meant to be. Not next year, not tomorrow, now", he announced, taking my head into his hand and looking at me, his green Lannister eyes that never gave away any of his emotions.
After this conversation, I left his tent, and set out to the Vale, to get my brother back. And when I do, I will get back to King's Landing, and win Audelia over, whatever it takes. Because I choose
Love over Duty.