“Watch your head,” said Prudence as we passed below some rather intimidating-looking machinery. “Now, to your right, you can see what appears to be a cat food can on a ledge, but is in fact part of an elaborate motion detection laser security system that can be activated with a click of a button.” She waved her book-camera-video-thingie about gleefully.
“You do realize we are in a bit of a hurry?” I ventured tentatively. This woman was seriously strange – one moment she had seemed upset, the next, she was giving us a tour as though we had all the time in the world.
“Of course you are, dear,” said Prudence. “Follow me.” She pulled out an enormous keychain and selected a key.
“I’ve been following you for the past half an hour,” I mumbled to myself.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
Prudence jammed the key into a lock on a door. “Come along,” she said. She winked at us. “This room was always Ron’s favorite when he was little.”
We stepped through the doorway.
“Wow,” I said.
“You like it?” said Prudence.
“This is really cool,” said Uncle Fry.
It was as though we had stepped into an aquarium. We were now walking through a wide glass tunnel. Above, below, and to either side, massive schools of fish drifted about, opening and closing their mouths at us.
“This is the halibut storage unit,” said Prudence. “We keep them segregated by species. To avoid cross-contamination, you know. Some cats have allergies to one or the other. Did you know that the Smitten Kitten only makes fish flavored cat food?”
“Fish flavored…” I suddenly felt a bit sick. These fish weren’t just here for us to look at. They were here for one purpose and one purpose only. How could Ron bear to be in here, surrounded by creatures doomed to an unpleasant fate by none other than his own father?
And yet – there was something undeniably peaceful about this place. The fish certainly didn’t seem to care what was happening. But then, they probably didn’t know…
“Come on!” Uncle Fry called to me. I realized that I had stopped walking and was staring upwards at the happy-go-lucky halibut.
“Coming,” I said quickly, and hurried to catch up.
“Keep moving.” Prudence ushered me into what appeared to be a giant, dusty, dumbwaiter. “This is the supply elevator, which is used to transport things like extra factory parts and such up from the underground warehouse. Did you know that the underground warehouse is the size of a city block and extends half a mile underground?”
“And why exactly are we going into the underground warehouse?” asked Uncle Fry. He was sounding exasperated. “I mean, I am sure you know what you’re doing, but -”
“But the only way into the tunnel networks is through the underground warehouse!” Prudence was starting to sound rather exasperated herself now. “Honestly, Al, you are rather dense for a paranoid genius, aren’t you?”
“I’m not a genius; I missed the cut-off by seven IQ points,” sniffed Uncle Fry. It was something he was clearly still bitter about.
“Personally, I think IQ tests are overrated,” said Prudence. “So that’s alright.”
Uncle Fry just ‘hmph’ed and folded his arms across his chest.
The elevator ground to a stop with a rattling sound. “Here we are!” said Prudence brightly, pulling open the doors to reveal a dark and rather depressing looking room. A vast expanse of lofty shelves extended into the distance.
We followed her down a long aisle. A minute passed, then two. The end was nowhere in sight. I was about to open my mouth to say something when she unexpectedly turned towards the shelves. She put her ear to a cardboard box twice as tall as herself and knocked on it with her fist. Uncle Fry and I exchanged a glance, but refrained from speaking. She knew what she was doing. Probably.
She took hold of the side and pulled it open to reveal –
A black void.
“This is where things get exciting,” she said. “Go on, jump into the dark abyss!”
“Into…that dark abyss?” Uncle Fry took a step – backwards.
“Do you see another one?” Prudence said indignantly.
“It’s just…”
“Fine. Ladies first!” she said, turning her gaze on me.
“How about, um, you demonstrate for us the, um, proper technique, since you’re so gung ho about the whole thing?”
She squinted at me. “The proper technique for jumping?”
“Sure,” I said.
She rolled her eyes. “Fine.” She marched forward and executed a perfect cannonball into the cardboard box. “Geronimoooooooooo!” Her voice faded away, followed by a distant splashing sound.
Uncle Fry and I stared at the opening of the box long after she had disappeared. Then, in perfect unison, we turned to each other and said, “You first!”
“Rock paper scissors,” said Uncle Fry. “Loser goes next.”
I tried to keep from smiling as I said, “Okay.”
Uncle Fry looked closely at me. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” I said. But the truth was, I was going to win. I happen to be somewhat of a pro at rock paper scissors. Yeah, I know, it sounds weird, considering it’s a game of chance. But it’s one of those things that I’ve always been able to do and never been able to understand how I do it. It’s like a really, really, lame superpower.
Uncle Fry chose rock and I chose paper, so I won and he went over to the edge and peered in.
“Come on,” I said.
“I don’t know if I can….”
“But Ron and Cassidee are waiting for someone to come and save them!”
Uncle Fry gulped and I knew that he was going to do it. He squeezed his eyes shut and stepped off the edge of the box. I counted to six before there was a splashing sound.
Now it was my turn. Working up the nerve to jump, I walked towards the edge, I tripped, and unceremoniously fell into the void.
I plummeted in stunned silence for a while before plunging into something cold and wet and…lumpy?
When I surfaced, I was vaguely aware of Uncle Fry thrashing about beside me, chanting ‘ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew’ over and over like some sort of weird mantra.
“Are we all present and accounted for?” Prudence’s voice came from somewhere nearby.
“Yeah.”
“Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew – ”
“What’s wrong with him?” I asked, treading water. Or whatever this was. It didn’t exactly feel like water….
“He’s just disturbed by the fact that he’s floating in a pipe filled with water that was previously occupying the fish storage units.”
I contemplated that for a moment.
“YOU MEAN WE’RE SWIMMING IN FISH POO?” I screeched. “EW! EW! EWWW!” I flapped my arms about, as if by doing so I could somehow fly out into the nice, clean, air. All I succeeded in doing was splashing fish-poo water into my face. “BLECH!”
“Oh, not you, too,” sighed Prudence. “Calm down. I’ve been doing this for years, and I’m still fine!”
“That’s debatable,” said Uncle Fry, momentarily pausing his chanting. “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew –”
“We’ll be out soon enough,” shouted Prudence, silencing both of us.
For a moment was unsure of what she meant, but then I realized that we were moving, propelled down the pipe by a slight current. It occurred to me that if this was ordinary, sanitary, water, this could have actually be nice – bobbing along, water lapping against the pipe sides. Add one of those floaty devices shaped like a duck or a turtle or something and you had the beginnings of a real tourist attraction! Come to the Smitten Kitten Cannery and Manufacturing Plant, where you can drift through an underground pipe in an inflatable porpoise!
(Okay, so my mind sort of goes to weird places sometimes. Please bear with me and my random tangents. I promise I will tell you everything; it may just take a while.)
“You can get out now,” said Prudence. Uncle Fry and I stampeded (if that’s even possible in water – er, liquid) for the narrow cement ledge she was pointing to. We huddled together there, feeling cold and wet and smelly.
“Wimps,” murmured Prudence under her breath. “The worst is over! Well, the worst of the journey, anyway. I don’t know what we will encounter down there. But we’ll find out soon enough! Just one more door, friends, and we will be in the secret tunnel networks of Troutface!”
We followed her gaze. A few feet or so down the ledge from where we stood was a large, round door.
“You guys ready?” she asked.
“I was born ready!” shouted Uncle Fry. His delighted voice filled them tunnel.
I was considerably less jubilant, but I nodded and followed them inside.