CB32
"Sir..." ulit ko habang prente siyang nakaupo sa harap ko.
Malamig pa rin ang mga mata niya at kahit isang segundo ay hindi ako nilubayan ng mga iyon. He looks very calm while here I am, dying out of pressure because of his unyielding presence.
He never changed. But maybe I do...
Being around him now makes me uncomfortable.
He sneered. "Is that the only thing you can say now?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Sobrang tahimik ng paligid namin. Kami na lang ang natitira dito. Noong sumunod kasi ang yaya ni Aza dito ay agad inutos ni Sir Rion na dalahin sila sa labas upang makapaglaro.
There's only two of us... yet, I still think that it's too small for us.
"Hindi ko alam na p-pamangkin mo pala si Aza..."
"Why? Hindi mo ba tatanggapin kung alam mong pamangkin ko?"
Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa narinig. It all sounds nostalgic. That mocking and distasteful tone... these cold piercing eyes that seem judging me every time I move... the harshness his attitude brings.
All of it felt like a ghost of yesterday.
"H-hindi naman sa g－"
"Azariah Reese Legrand-Andrada, he's Kill's son," putol niya sa dapat na isasagot ko.
My lips parted when I heard that. Naalala ko iyong bunso niyang kapatid. Right, she was pregnant the same time I left. Mapait akong napangiti. Aza, who would have thought I knew you even earlier?
"I see..." bulong ko habang pinaglalaruan ang kamay ko.
Nabalot kaming muli ng katahimikan. I didn't know what to say to him. I never anticipated the day I'll meet him again. Palagi ko kasing iniisip na hinding-hindi na kami magtatagpo ulit.
Five years felt too far already to say something...
What will I do? Kakamustahin ko ba siya? Babatiin? Hihingi ng tawad?
"Seems like you changed a lot," aniya na nakapagpatigil saaking paglalaro sa kamay ko.
Hindi ko tinaas ang tingin ko. Kung ngayon pa lang ay tila tumatagos na ang tingin niya saakin. Paano pa kaya kung titignan ko ang mata niya?
Those amber eyes... I thought I can only see it in my dreams again.
"Syn," tawag niya saakin. It sent me chills again, hearing my name escape from his lips.
Kailangan ko nang humingi ng tawad at tapusin ito. Siguro, iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan naming magtagpo ulit ngayon. That's right... we're obviously different from who we are five years ago. We just need to put an end to that versions of ourselves, right?
"I'm sorry..."
Katahimikan ulit. Hindi ko inaasahan na may katahimikan rin palang nakakabingi sa pandinig.
I used to love it... especially when...
"That's it?"
When he's around.
"Do you even know what you're sorry for?"
But it's not the same anymore.
"I'm sorry..." ulit ko.
Did the years allow me to forgot everything... or is it pain? Or I know it but I just can't name everything to him? Or maybe all...
Hindi pa din ganon kadali...
"Stop saying sorry!" his voice sounded thunderous. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit niya doon.
I bit my lips. I wanna go. I don't wanna face him... Kahit ata abutin ng ilan pang mga taon ay hindi ako magiging handa para harapin siya muli. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong sabihin bukod sa paghingi ng tawad.
Maging simpleng dahilan kung bakit ako humihingi ng tawad ay hindi ko rin masabi.
"You disappeared..." madiiin niyang bigkas. "Just exactly after the end. I'm just really a job for you, ain't I?"
Tinago ko ang dalawang kamay ko sa ilalim ng mesa. I clenched it tightly and raised my head up yet I still refuse to look in his direction.
"After your role is done, you vanished."
"I'm sorry, Sir..."
Nabalot ulit kami ng katahimikan. I can sense his frustration even without directly looking at his face. The atmosphere around us is too heavy that I just wanna create excuses and leave. Iyon nga lang, alam ko din na deserve ko lahat ng nararanasan ko ngayon. If he'd end up shouting at me, blame me for everything, curse me, and call me names, I shall accept.
It's all on me, anyway.
You are the regret, Sir Rion. But also, I cannot seems to find myself regretting you even if you suffered because of me.
"So that's it?" he asked sternly. "That's really the only thing you can give me?"
I swallowed hard. Nag-init ang ilalim ng mga mata ko.
Mula sa nakakabaliw na katahimikan sa paligid naming dalawa, rinig na rinig ang pagbukas ng pinto. Lumingon sa direksyon na iyon.
"Miss! Nandito na po si Mommy!"
Agad akong tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo ko. I blinked repeatedly to wash away my teary eyes. Pinalitan ko iyon ng ngiti noong humarap ako kala Vance.
"Good afternoon po!"
Ngumiti saakin ang Mommy niya. "Sorry, Miss! Nakaabala po ba kami?"
Umiling ako. Napansin ko ang pagsulyap niya sa likod ko at nararamdaman ko din ang tingin saamin ng taong naroroon ngunit hindi ako lumingon. Vance's mom vowed her head in Sir Rion's direction to acknowledge his presence.
"Hindi naman po..."
"Magpapaalam lang sana kami. Thank you for looking after Vance."
I chuckled and shook my head. "Wala po iyon. Tsaka may kalaro naman po si Vance habang naghihintay..."
"Oo nga po... mauna na kami, Ma'am. Thank you ulit."
"Okay po. Ingat po kayo," I said with a smile. Bumaba ang tingin ko kay Vance na nakataas ang tingin saakin. "Bye, Vance!"
"Bye, Miss! See you bukas po!"
I nodded at him and waved a little. Muli kong sinuklian ng ngiti ang Mommy niya bago sila tumalikod saakin. Agad na bumalik ang bigat sa paligid noong makalayo sila.
"This is pointless..."
My heart skipped a beat. Narinig ko ang pagtunog ng upuan, senyales na tumayo siya kaya agad akong lumingon sa direksyon niya.
"Sir..."
"Why did I expect anyway..."
"Tito! Tito! I want ice cream! Please tell Yaya it's okay!"
Tumigil ang tumatakbong si Aza sa harap ko. Kasunod niya ay ang nagpa-panic niyang yaya habang tinatawag ang pangalan niya.
"Sabi ko sa'yo may kausap pa ang Tito mo!"
"Miss Syn, where's my Tito?" tanong niya saakin ngunit lumagpas din ang tingin niya at pumasok sa loob noong makitang naroon ang Tito niya.
"Are you done talking? You're going to be my classmate now, Tito?"
Bumaba ang tingin nito sa pamangkin at ginulo ang buhok nito. He crouched to carry him.
"No, Az. Tito has works to do."
"Lolo can handle it! Tito Rift and Tito Cell, too!"
My eyes are fixed while watching them. He's really his nephew... why didn't I notice it? Nakakatawa pa dahil madalas ay naalala ko siya kay Aza.
But then, the kid doesn't look like any of them as much as I can remember. Hindi din nila ito ka-apelyido kaya walang ni katiting na panghihinala na nabuo saakin.
"But you'll love Miss Syn..." nguso nito. "I'm gonna marry her!"
Tumaas ang kilay ni Sir Rion at sumulyap saakin. I gulped. Sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi ko alam ang dapat kong maramdaman. Around him, I felt like I'm void of any other emotion than fear.
It's not like he'll do something against me... I just feel it... naturally, somehow.
Bumalik ang tingin niya kay Aza at ngumisi. Nagsimula na itong maglakad papalapit saakin na nasa tapat ng pinto.
"Are you sure? I don't think she's very suitable for it..."
My heart constricted while listening. Lumagpas silang dalawa saakin. Umikot ako para habulin sila ng tingin. Aza looked back at me like he wanted me to follow them.
"Why? She's nice and sweet!"
"Hmm... still no..."
"Tito!"
"Let's buy your ice cream."
Nawala ang tingin saakin ni Aza at nalipat iyon sa Tito niya. His eyes sparkled and it seems like he already forgot what they are talking about just now.
"Yes! Yes, please!"
Nakatulala lang ako sa kanilang dalawa habang naglalakad papalayo saakin. Kung hindi ko lang napansin ang yaya ni Aza na pinagmamasdan ako ay hindi pa ako gagalaw. She's looking at me curiously.
"Ay, sorry, Miss! Ayaw talaga papigil ni Aza eh..."
Ngumiti ako sa tumango sa kanya. "Okay lang po..."
I feel like he already ended our conversation, anyway. I just made myself look stupid in his eyes. I cannot even say another word.
"Susundan ko lang, Miss," paalam niya.
Tumango ako sa kanya at pinanood siyang lumayo saakin. I looked down at my feet, still glued on the floor. I sighed and look up while biting my lower lip. Ilang segundo kong pinakalma ang nararamdaman ko bago ako naglakad palabas din.
Naabutan ko sila sa tapat ng isang sorbetero. Inaabot na nito ang ice cream kay Aza. Sir Rion is busy with his wallet to pay.
"Miss?" Aza called me and offered his ice cream.
Ngumiti ako at umiling sa kanya. "Thank you, Aza..."
"Let's go, Az."
"Already, Tito?"
"Yeah..." sagot nito.
"Aza, tara na..." aya ng yaya nito at lumapit para hawakan ang kamay ni Aza. Si Sir Rion naman ay sumulyap sa kanila bago tumalikod upang maglakad papalapit sa kanyang kotse. He didn't pay me even a glance.
"Bye, Miss! See you tomorrow!"
"See you tomorrow," I replied.
Sumunod ako sa kanila. Nakatigil si Sir Rion sa harap ng kotse niya upang hintayin ang dalawa. Binuksan ng yaya ni Aza ang pinto ng backseat at tinulungan ang bata na makapasok sa loob. Aza waived his hand for me before the door closed.
Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Sir Rion sa labas. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin ng ilang segundo. His are cold and harsh.
He looked away and turned his back on me. I don't know what has gotten into me but after the long silent minutes I cannot mutter any words for him, his name escaped my lips.
"Sir Rion..."
He froze. I can tell from his posture that he didn't just stop. Kumabog ng mabilis ang puso ko dahil sa kaba. Hindi siya lumingon ngunit dahil hindi rin siya gumalaw ay alam kong pinagbibigyan niya pa rin ako.
"I'm..." I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath. "I'm happy to see that you're okay."
How do I explain this? I'm positive that I'm not lacking air. The breeze of the calm afternoon is enveloping me with warmth. Yet, I still feel like I cannot breathe... I am not okay.
Humarap siya muli saakin. Mula sa angking lamig noon kanina, napalitan na ito ng matatalas at galit na tingin. Kumibot ang labi ko habang pinapanood iyon sa mga mukha niya.
Agad kong inilagay sa likod ko ang kamay kong nakakuyom. It was so familiar...
"Don't act as if you really cared."
I do... I really do... I cared a lot. Hindi ko iyon nagawang ilabas hanggang sa makaalis sila. I just stayed in my position, watching them leave and even after they are gone.
Hindi ako nakatulog noong gabing iyon dahil sa lahat ng nangyari. I cannot even answer properly to Mama's questions. I keep on remembering him. My mind keeps on wandering around, leaving my body unable to respond consistently. Para bang hinihintay ko na lang ang sarili kong magising mula sa panaginip.
Unfortunately for me, it wasn't a dream. It was real... and so is the feeling of having him around after a long time.
"Hindi mo ako inaasahan, ano?" tanong ko habang nililinis ang tabi ng lapida ni Kuya. Sunod kong ginawa ay sinindihan ang kandila na dala ko gamit ang posporo na binili ko sa labas nitong sementeryo. I placed the flower in a more suitable space, too.
"Na-miss lang kita bigla," I chuckled lowly and properly sat down in front of his tombstone.
Since the day I met Sir Rion again, I cannot stop myself from remembering everything, including Kuya Kyle. I can't... I don't know how to deal with it.
"Kuya..." tawag ko at tinaas ang tingin ko sa langit. Hapon na at bumababa na ang araw. Unti-unti na ring dumidilim ang paligid.
Alam kong pinangako ko sa'yo na sisiguraduhin kong magiging masaya si Sena at Mama. That's the only way I can face you after this life. I promised you that I'd be okay... In order to see that promise to happen, I need to live... I need to be okay.
But...
"I met him again, Kuya..." kinagat ko ang aking labi at tinaas ang aking tingin ngunit ang liwanag mula sa pababang araw ay tila mas nakapagtulak sa luha ko na mag-ipon sa ilalim ng mata ko.
I remembered his last wishes to me. Before I left home that night, I promised him I'll come back with Sir Rion. And that very moment, he made me promise that I'll go back to him.
Sunod na nagpakita sa aking ala-ala ang huling ngiting ibinigay niya saakin. It will continuously haunt me forever. My poor brother... bloodied... dying... as I turn my back to save someone else.
"Sorry... kasi hindi ko pa rin matupad yung hiling mo... wala nga siguro talaga akong kwenta..." I chuckled and looked down. A tear fell from my eye exactly after. Hinayaan ko iyong maglandas sa pisngi ko.
"Ano nang gagawin ko, Kuya?" mahina kong tanong. "Natatakot ako..."
Look how pathetic your sister is, Kuya.
Kung noon, natatakot akong mawala sa tabi niya, ngayon ay natatakot na akong maging nasa paligid siya. I am still a coward up until now.
Ang lakas ng loob ko noon na sabihing kaya ko na... na hindi ko kailangang mabuhay sa nakaraan... pero eto ako, ni hindi alam kung paano magsalita sa harap niya.
After all, the only thing I know was to run...
Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko pa siyang makitang muli?
I stayed in the cemetery until the sky turned dark. I stayed longer than I expected. Maybe I'm just trying to find some comfort... or a place where I can say everything that's on my mind. Hindi man ako nakakuha ng sagot ay gumaan ng kaunti ang pakiramdaman ko.
Saglit din akong dumaan sa puntod ni Papa. Unfortunately, his and Kuya's tombstone are separated. Wala na kasing space sa parte kung nasaan si Papa noon. I stayed for a while to him too, until the candle became short.
Malayo ang tingin ko habang naghihintay sa labas ng sementeryo para sa pwedeng masakyan. Madilim na ang langit ngunit maliwanag pa rin ang paligid dahil sa mga ilaw sa daan. Tinaas ko kamay ko noong may makita akong paparating na taxi.
My eyes drifted off towards the near restaurant on the other side of the road while waiting for the taxi to stop in front of me.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw a familiar person who just walked out of it. I froze and my mind suddenly went blank watching him move and enter his car.
I know that person... that...
"Ma'am?"
Nanlamig ang aking sikmura. It has been five years but I would never forget that face. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali...
But how come... how is this possible...
"Ma'am!"
It's the one who was with Lloyd Sarmiento that night... Fred Antonio, the one who's supposed to aim for me but shot Kuya instead...
Umilaw ang sasakyan na tinititigan ko at unti-unti iyong gumalaw. I gasped and my heartbeat rose.
"Ma'am, kung hindi ka－"
Mabilis kong binuksan ang pinto ng backseat at pumasok sa loob.
"Sundan nyo po iyon," utos ko at tinuro ang sasakyang kakalagpas lang saamin.
"Po? Ma'am－"
"Kuya, bilis!" malakas kong sigaw noong nawawala na sa paningin ko ang kotse. Inikot ko ang ulo ko para sundan iyon."Kuya!"
Siguro ay dahil napansin niya ang pagmamadali at desperasyon sa boses ko ay agad niya akong sinunod. He took a U-turn to transfer on the other side. I clenched my fist hard and my heart drummed wildly. Malawak ang mga mata ko habang nakatingin sa unahan.
"Kuya, paki-bilis pa po, sige na..." I demanded, anxious because of our gap in the car.
"Ma'am, baka gulo ito ah. Nagta-trabaho lang ako, baka madamay pa－"
"Hindi po kayo madadamay at walang gulo. Kaya please po, pakisundan na lang..."
He was jailed. All of them are. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali doon. I was there during the trial... as the witness. Binigay ko lahat ng kaya kong gawin para makulong silang lahat. Kaya paano... paano nangyaring...
Siguro ay namamalikmata lang ako... o kaya ay naaapektuhan ng paligid o ng emosyon ko dahil sa mga iniisip ko. This may just be a product of my imagination triggered because of my recent meeting with Sir Rion. Kasi sa loob ng limang taon, bakit ngayon lang?
While following the car, I continuously prayed that I'm just wrong. Because if that person is really the one who killed Kuya... I don't know...
What the fuck is the sense of these all?
Nagdilim ang paningin ko. Anger flowed in my veins and I immediately recognized the desire that's enveloping my system. My heart slowed down from beating wildly. It has been a long time since I felt like this. It was eating all the fears I became accustomed to already.
It's making me want to clench my fist tightly to crush this hatred... this pain... like it's on my hands.
I stared blankly outside the car window when the person from the car we're following emerged from it. Kakatigil lang namin sa harap ng isang hotel. Ngayon ay mas maliwanag na ang paligid at hindi na ako pwedeng magkamali pa.
It's really him.
"Ma'am!"
Bumaba ako ng taxi at hindi na lumingon pa. Narinig ko ang paulit-ulit na tawag saakin ng driver ngunit hindi ko na iyon pinansin. He can keep the change... I don't care.
I blindly followed him. Pumasok ako sa hotel at hindi inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. I tried my best to be unnoticeable as possible. Fortunately, even after years of not being in the field, everything still feels natural for me.
I purposely positioned myself behind the pillar near when he stopped. Umikot ang tingin niya sa paligid. I gritted my teeth while staring at him. Damn it. I should be more careful!
He was about to turn his back when a man approached him. Hindi ko rinig ang kanilang usapan dahil sa distansya ko sa kanila ngunit nagawa nitong kunin ang atensyon ng lalaki. They soon started walking together.
Nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Kinuyom ko ang aking kamay at sumunod. This time, I didn't try to close our distance. Hindi ko inalis ang mga mata ko sa kanila ngunit pinilit kong huwag magpahalata.
Mabuti na lang ay madaming tao sa paligid kaya hindi ako masyadong halata. They rode the escalator so I doubled my steps to keep up. Mawawala ko sila kung hahayaan ko ang ganitong distansya!
I was about to step towards the escalator when I felt a hand, grabbing mine. Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa hindi ko inaasahang pag-ikot. I panicked and look back at the escalator. Pilit kong tinanggal ang kamay na nakahawak saakin habang nakatutok pa rin ang mga mata ko kay Fred at sa kasama nito.
I gasped when he stepped on the end of the escalator.
"Bitawan mo ako! What the fu－"
My heart skipped a beat when I finally met the eyes of the man who restrained me. Walang emosyon ang kanyang mukha at madilim ang kanyang mga mata. I can feel his anger radiating...
Sir Rion.
"Sir, Miss Clemente is already in th－" Gil's voice faltered slowly just like how his eyes widened when it drifted from his boss to me. He gulped. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang hindi mapapantayang gulat. "M-ma'am..."