Shawn
If you had asked me this time last year where I would be spending Christmas morning I would have told you I would be at home with the two loves of my life, holding my wife in my arms as we watch our 5 year old daughter tear into the gifts 'Santa' had brought for her.
I would have told you how the house would smell of turkey cooking and how we would be sipping on mulled wine waiting for both mine and Camilas families to arrive
If you had told me this time last year that I would be spending Christmas morning sat at my daughters graveside, whilst my wife from whom I am separated whispers words of love into a tombstone I would have told you that you were out of your mind, there's no way my life could turn into such a nightmare not when we had worked so hard to build ourselves the 'dream'.
But here I am.
7am on Christmas morning and I'm sat on the grass next to where my daughter is buried, Camila manically cleaning the stone and repeating over and over how much we love Elena and how we will never forget her
This is the first time Camila and I have spoken in weeks.
When I moved out and back in with my parents I had hoped distance and time might make our relationship a bit more manageable but in truth it just increased the distance and difficulties between us
"Can you please stop cleaning?" I ask, my voice irritable, her obsession, irritating
"And do what Shawn?"
"Be still"
"Why? So I can think? So I can dwell?"
"So we can just be. Be here with our daughter. With each other. With both of our babies"
It's the first time I can remember acknowledging the child growing in her stomach, I hadn't meant to deny it or be such a dick about it but Elena was my baby, my world, I never wanted to lose her and I definitely never wanted to replace her but talking to my dad has made me realise this baby isn't a replacement, it's a being all of its own and it deserves love and care and no matter how terrifying having another child is right now I'm sure over time my mind and body will adapt to it, will let the love begin to seep in and the blind fear of all the things that could go wrong to slowly begin to seep out
Stilling, Camila lets the cloth drop from her hand to the grass before she also drops down on to it and pulls her knees to her chest
"How are your parents?" She asks without looking at me
"Sad. For Elena, for us" She nods but still refuses to look up "Yours?"
"The same. Trying to keep going, for Elena, for us" she unconsciously rubs her stomach and I can't help but smile slightly
"How's the pregnancy going? I'm sorry I haven't been as involved as I should have been"
"Or at all" she says bitterly and I can't blame her "but fine, perfect actually, just like with Elena"
We both sit in silence, our daughters name hanging heavily between us
"Remember the first time you felt her move?" I don't know why that memory comes back to me but Camila giggles a little at the thought
"In the middle of the subway, everyone crammed together, you pressed up against my bump to make sure she didn't get hurt and she gave you a good hard kick"
We both shake our heads and then the silence descends once more
"It's no wonder she turned out to be so good at soccer"
"Oh that and your dad gave her no choice, the first thing he ever bought her was a Portugal onesie"
"And your dad went straight out and bought her a México one!" We both laugh, it's gentle but it's genuine "I always loved how easily she picked up both languages "
"God she loved her Abuelo and her Avô" I nod, emotion preventing any words from coming out knowing we aren't the only ones to have suffered this loss, our entire family is suffering with us "I miss her so much" her words are strained as though she really fought to force them out and tears are spilling down her face
"I know you do, I do too"
"This is so hard. How is it possible for something to hurt this much and not kill you?"
I move from my seat, next to my wife and wrap my arms around her as her tiny body jerks and shakes against me as noises leave her that are more like that of a wild animal in distress than of a human being "it's going to be okay" I say it not knowing if anything will ever be okay again
"How can it be okay Shawn? Our baby is dead" she moans loudly at the last word her body succumbing to the agony of her soul once more
"But our other baby is living Camila and they need us"
"I don't think I can be a mom again, I don't think I could bare to lose another child, in fact I know I can't"
I move my hands up and down her arms hoping to provide some sense of reassurance "It won't happen again" I tell her but she shakes her head
"How do you know? You can't know! Who could have possibly guessed what would happen to us? Why us Shawn? Why Elena? Why our baby? She didn't deserve it she was only five years old!!" She clings to me as her body continues to shake and I'm suddenly aware of her scent, that oh so familiar scent of her shampoo and her perfume, a scent so unique, so Camila and my heart aches for her, for us, for what should have been and what never will be
"Camila..." I use my finger to lift her chin so that she's looking right at me "I know things are bad, I know they couldn't possibly feel any worse but I promise, it's going to get better"
"But when?" She whispers, her eyes puffy, her face soaked with tears and her entire body trembling against me
"I don't know but one day... one day it won't feel like this"
"I don't want to forget her"
"You won't. How could you? She was so beautiful, so perfect, a miracle. When did anyone ever witness a miracle and then forget about it?"
"But when the new baby comes, when it doesn't hurt this bad, when I finally can sleep without the nightmares"
"Then it will just be the happy times you remember. The way she used to get so excited at even the mention of you. The way she would place her hand over your heart as she fell asleep, the way mama was her first word. She adored you Camila"
"I should have been there"
"It wouldn't have changed anything, it couldn't have"
"How can you know that? How can you know my voice wouldn't have made her fight that little bit harder?"
"Because she fought as hard as she could, she didn't want to leave us, she fought for us, to stay with us and now we have to fight for her"
I bring our foreheads together as we cry together for the first time since we lost our Elena
"I'm sorry for what I said" Camila sniffs as her hands fist my T-shirt "I don't blame you, I never did, not really I just blamed myself for not being there the one time she really, really needed me"
"She knew you loved her Camila, she knew her mama adored her"
"I want her back" she cries, dropping her head to my shoulder as I clutch her to me as tightly as possible "I just want my baby back Shawn"
"So do I" my voice is an octave to high as my tears drip from my chin to her hair "but it's impossible, we just have to... try to keep going for her memory, for each other, our families, for this one" I place my hand on her stomach for the first time and feel the swelling that's providing safety and comfort to my second born and although I feel the familiar rush of fear I also feel something more, something primal, the unconditional love of a parent for their child "Hey Elena" I say keeping an arm wrapped around Camila and placing a hand flat against the cool white marble of her headstone "You're going to be a big sister baby girl , what do you think about that?"
"She always wanted a brother" Camila whispers as she reaches forward and puts her hand on top of mine "We love you baby, mama and papai miss you so, so much. We will never forget you I promise"
"Pinky promise" I say, wrapping my pinky tightly around Camilas
"Pinky promise" she repeats
The End
* I think this is the first time I ever cried writing a chapter
*i know this was a tough topic I just hope it was okay. Thank you for reading it x