"Okay, you're gonna pull a muscle," Maya sighed as Mallie punched the punching bag in the gym.
"Yeah, you got here before I did and I got here at six to make sure Jack wasn't screwing shit up," Andy said, sitting on the weight bench.
"And?" Mallie punched the bag again, barely looking at her friends. Maya sighed and grabbed it so it would stop swinging.
"And what's wrong?" Maya asked, wincing as Mallie punched the bag harder than before.
"Who said anything was wrong?" Mallie said.
"Well, you only use the punching bag when you're pissed and Jack said you've been working out since five this morning, and it's eight now. How long have you been using the punching bag?" Andy asked.
"Don't know," Mallie shrugged. She punched the bag again, gasping as she felt a sharp pain in her hand.
She pulled back, shaking her fist out. Maya sighed and let go of the bag, taking her hand.
"Doesn't look broken. Just bruised and you've split your knuckles," Maya said, turning it to show Mallie.
"Let's get you patched up," Andy sighed, leading her to the beanery. Mallie sat at the island, putting her hand flat on the counter so Maya and Andy could clean and patch it up.
Maya wiped it clean and then grabbed an ice pack to help with the swelling and the bruising.
"Now, you gonna tell us why you're so angry?" Andy asked. Their phones buzzed and Mallie pulled Maya's towards her.
"All units needed," Mallie said, grabbing the bandages as she stood up.
"You should stay," Andy said.
"It's a bruised knuckle. We wear gloves," Mallie scoffed.
"Come on," Maya said, sliding down the pole. Mallie slid down with one hand, kicking off her trainers to step into her boots. She got her uniform on and climbed into the engine, holding her hand out to Maya to bandage while Andy and Vic sat in the front.
"So," Maya said, leaning over the island as Mallie made some churros after their call.
"So," Mallie said, stirring the bowl of chocolate she was melting above the pan on the second hob.
"You gonna tell me why you were kicking that punching bag's ass?" Maya said.
"I felt like it," Mallie said.
"You felt like it," Maya said. Mallie nodded.
"Yes," Mallie said.
"And the bags under your eyes, they're because you felt like not sleeping before another forty eight hour shift?" Maya said.
"I wanted to sleep. I tried to sleep. I just couldn't," Mallie said. She sighed and grabbed the bowl of melted chocolate, putting it on the side.
"Use a glove," Maya said.
"It's on low heat," Mallie shook her head, taking the glove anyway so Maya would shut up.
"Mallie, talk to me. We're best friends," Maya said. Mallie sighed, pulling the churros out of the fryer to check on them.
"I stayed at Meredith's last night. I went to visit after shift to see the kids, I ended up staying and making them dinner and I put them to bed. I was on the couch but I couldn't sleep," she said.
"Alright," Maya said. Mallie put the churros on the napkin she'd laid out to dry them out.
"She's married," Mallie said softly, looking across at Maya. Maya nodded. "We almost kissed. I'm not the girl who destroys marriages, even if she says it's over. I am not the girl that destroys marriages, Maya," she said.
"I know you're not, Mallie," Maya said, grabbing Mallie's hands. "I know you're not and she knows that, too," she said.
"She told me her marriage was over. I still wasn't gonna do it," she said.
"I know," Maya nodded. Mallie nodded.
"Okay," she said. She let go of Maya's hands. "C'mon. My churros need chocolate drizzled on them. Nice and easy with the wrist movements, not too thick or thin," Mallie said, handing her a spoon.
"You got it," Maya smiled, dipping it in chocolate and starting to drizzle it on the churros.
"Station 19, fire alarm," the speaker sounded.
"My churros," Mallie whined, throwing the spoon into the sink and putting the chocolate in the fridge.
"We can finish them later," Maya said, running towards the pole.
"Hey, heading home?" Travis leaned against the island as Mallie packed up the churros into a takeaway container for her dinner.
"I was going to stop by Joe's first, grab a drink or twenty and then collapse in bed and barely sleep before our next shift," Mallie smiled at him.
"That sounds amazing but I'll raise you. Drinks at my place. It's closer than yours, we can sleep where we land instead of getting a cab," he said.
"Deal," she said.
"Oh, and you're sharing those churros," he said.
"I thought that was implied," Mallie laughed, sliding the container over to him and pulling her jacket onto her shoulders. Her phone rang on the table and Travis picked it up.
"Amelia. Are we answering?" he said. Mallie looked at the phone and then at Travis.
"No. We're not answering," she said. He nodded and put her phone on silent, putting it in his pocket.
"Let's go home, then," he said. She nodded, following him towards the stairs.
"Mallie Cruz, my little fire baby," Bailey's voice came from behind Mallie as she was in the beanery a few days later. Mallie turned away from the leftover Chinese she was eating, smiling at her former mentor.
"Dr. Bailey, my hospital mom," Mallie said. She walked over and hugged her, letting Bailey brush her t-shirt down like she was a child.
"How are you?" she said.
"I'm good," Mallie nodded.
"Do you know?" Bailey asked.
"About what?" Mallie asked.
"Amelia," she said. Mallie nodded slowly.
"Yeah. I know," she said.
"Then you know her surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, right?" she said. Mallie frowned. She figured that was what the phone call a few nights ago was from.
"Yeah, I think Meredith mentioned it," Mallie said.
She also figured Meredith would've told her if she'd've let her bring up Amelia in conversation. She made up excuses to get off the phone whenever Meredith dropped Amelia's name and she figured Meredith had got the hint, as she had stopped bringing her up eventually.
"You didn't know," Bailey said. Mallie nodded.
"I did. She told me about her tumour before anyone else," Mallie said.
"But you didn't know about the surgery. Okay," Bailey nodded, stepping aside to greet the others.
Mallie leaned against the island, pulling her phone out. She opened the call log and stared at the amount of missed calls she had from Amelia. Five, one for every day they hadn't talked since the night they'd almost kissed.
She sighed and clicked off the call log, clicking onto the texts app. She opened Meredith's chat and tapped a quick message.
Mallie Cruz:
let me know if she needs anything
Meredith Grey:
I will.
Mallie locked her phone and she tucked it into her pocket, grabbing the chinese and walking to the table. She sat down beside Travis, leaning her head against his shoulder.
"I think we drank too much," she said.
"We always do," Travis sighed.
"I think I'm gonna have to sweat this out of my system," Mallie groaned, putting her hands on the table.
"When did you get these?" Ben nodded at the pink scars on her fingers where she'd split her knuckles.
"That fire last week. The one at the B&B," Mallie lied.
"Yeah, the wine glass shards, right?" Maya said, sitting at the table.
"Yeah, exactly," Mallie nodded.
"Oh," Ben said.
"Chinese for breakfast. Upgrade from vending machine crisps and cans of Fanta," Bailey said. Mallie laughed.
"Got to mix it up, Bailey," she said.
"She's also hungover, so there's that," Travis snorted.
"For the second time this week," Pruitt said, sitting at the table with them.
"We're having fun," Travis laughed.
"A lot of fun," Mallie agreed.
"Morning assignments," Jack said. They all groaned loudly.
"Jack and I wanted to talk to you all because, for the past few months, we've been seeing each other," Andy announced to their team in the beanery that night.
"We know it was unprofessional not to be honest with you, but we never meant to disrespect anyone," Jack said.
"O-Okay, wait, wait. O-O-Okay, um, I mean, that's unexpected, right?" Ben said, looking around the table. Mallie shrugged. "No? N-Nobody?" he said.
"If anyone has any questions, we're here to answer them," Jack said.
"I'm cool with it. Y'all can do... who... what... I'm good," Dean held up his hands.
"Okay, first, uh, is this why you two spent so much time in the turnout room? Second, did you do it in the turnout room?" Vic said.
"Okay," Andy sighed.
"Third, uh, did you do it on or near my gear in the turnout room? And fourth, uh, who would you save first in a fire? Me or one of you?" Vic asked.
"I don't really care what you do. It's your business. But one of you will be captain here soon. You have to see how that might make some question whether you can really be unbiased. So I guess my question is, is one of you gonna leave?" Travis asked. They all looked at them curiously.
"No, because we broke up," Jack sighed.
"Thanks for listening. We just thought you should know," Andy said, turning and walking away.
"I think I'm gonna head home, too," Mallie sighed, standing up and brushing her pants down.
"Night," Maya smiled. Mallie nodded at her, turning and leaving the beanery.
"I nearly got electrocuted today," Mallie said into the phone, holding it to her ear as she baked Amelia's favourite Spanish dessert for when she woke up from her surgery the next day.
"You did?" April Kepner's voice echoed back.
"Yeah. MVC into an electric pole, live wires everywhere. Patient got fried when he fell on a jump, didn't make it. And his wife was at the station getting the three carseats installed for their babies, 'cause they're having triplets and now she's got no husband to raise them with, 'cause he's dead," Mallie said sarcastically.
"Well, someone's having a tough day," April sighed.
"Yeah, I really kind of am," she said.
"Can I do anything to make this easier?" April said.
"Can you tell me about Harriet? She's a happy baby and I need happy babies right now, not babies with dead fathers they'll never get to meet," Mallie said.
"Oh, I'd love to talk about my baby. She's the best part of my life right now. She's talking, too!" April said.
Mallie smiled fondly, putting her phone on speaker as she started checking the oven.
She and April weren't particularly close when they'd first met, but after the shooting, they'd gotten quite close because April had lost her best friend and Mallie understood loss well enough to help April out of a few tough spots.
When April had baby Harriet, Mallie had been one of the first through the door to bring them gifts and to offer to babysit so April could get some sleep. So, she didn't mind calling April when she needed someone to distract her, not when she had been the same person for April for so many years.
And, right now, she needed a distraction to get over the fact that Amelia was having brain surgery tomorrow, and the fact that she wouldn't be there because she knew she had hurt Amelia by ignoring her and right now, Amelia didn't need Mallie's baggage to make her recovery worse.
"Look, I know this is a lot to ask," Mallie sighed into the phone.
"It is a lot. Andy and Jack are out at their captains training and we need you," Travis said.
"My... Amelia has her surgery today. I have to be there when she wakes up," Mallie said.
"Mallie, chances are, she's not gonna wake up today," Travis said.
"Uh, says the firefighter who isn't a surgeon. She's literally having a massive tumour ripped out of her brain. She could die, she could literally die on the table and I need to be there so I can apologise for being a bitch and ignoring her calls because if I don't-"
"Mallie, calm down!" Travis said loudly. Mallie sighed.
"I'm spiraling," she said.
"You're spiraling," he agreed. "So, you're gonna come in, we're gonna pray for a big call to distract you and if it doesn't, we're gonna work out or we're gonna cook. You got it?" he said.
"Can you cover for me later? If she wakes up today, I'm gonna come and visit her," Mallie said.
"I can cover for you if you get your ass in right now and make us some breakfast," he said.
"You got it. Thanks, Montgomery," Mallie said.
"You got it, Cruz," he said. Mallie ended the call and forced herself to walk away from Grey Sloan Memorial, getting back in her car and driving away.
"Okay," Travis sighed as the aid car transporting their patient pulled up outside Grey Sloan two hours later. "Cruz, you're done," he said.
"What?" Mallie looked up from the patient with a frown.
"Go and wait for Amelia to get out of surgery," he said.
"She's not gonna be out for hours. Mer said she probably won't wake up until tomorrow. And, besides, I shouldn't be there. I've ignored her for days," Mallie said.
"What? Why?" Travis asked.
"Because," Mallie sighed, opening the doors to the aid car, nodding at Bailey and April as they started pulling the gurney out, "I wasn't gonna risk things. Not with her," she said.
"Dr. Bailey, how is Dr. Shepherd's surgery going on?" Travis said, helping the gurney down.
"She's about an hour in, she's got a few left. You can go in and wait with Meredith if you want, Mallie," Bailey said. "I'll even give you special privileges to sit in the gallery if you want to watch," she said.
"I don't want to watch her getting her head cut open. I don't want to wait, either. I want to get back to work," Mallie said.
"Okay, enough. I'm acting captain for the day and I'm calling the end of your shift. Go and wait," Travis said firmly. Mallie looked at him and he shrugged. She groaned and nodded, climbing out of the aid car. "I'll take your jacket back," he said.
"Fine," she said. She took her jacket off, leaving her in her t-shirt and dungarees, and followed Bailey inside.
"She's in OR 3," Bailey said.
"Who's watching?" Mallie asked.
"Meredith is. I think Pierce might be, too, but I'm not sure," Bailey said.
"I'm gonna," Mallie motioned to the doors towards the elevator.
"Here," Bailey said, fumbling behind the front desk in the ER. She stuck a staff pass on Mallie's dungarees, nodding for her to leave.
"Thanks," Mallie said, walking down the hallway towards the elevator to get to the ORs.
"Hey," Mallie knocked on the OR 3 viewing room door. Meredith, Maggie and Alex Karev looked up at her, waving her in.
"You just got off shift?" Alex asked.
"I tried to call in sick this morning but Andy and Jack are at their captains training thing with Frankel and then Captain H is sick with cancer so we're down three and they said I couldn't have today off but we've just dropped a patient off so Travis told me to come and watch. I think I was annoying him, to be honest," Mallie said, sitting down on the back row.
"She's doing great so far," Meredith said.
"And the surgeon?" Mallie nodded at the man.
"He trained Amelia. He's good," Maggie said. Mallie nodded, leaning forward to watch the television showing the surgery.
"She was asking for you before surgery," Alex said. "She gave everyone jobs for what to do if she doesn't make it," he said.
"Don't," Mallie said.
"No, because you need to hear this," Alex said.
"No, I don't, because her head is open on the table right now so whatever it is, it can wait until she's in post op," Mallie said firmly.
"No," Meredith said. "You should hear it," she said. Mallie leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "I get to tell her mom if she dies. She likes me, Amelia's mom, you see," Meredith said.
"And she wants me to take her room," Maggie said.
"She told Owen he can't visit if she's gorked," Alex said. Mallie winced. "And April has been named her power of attorney because she doesn't want it to be a personal decision if she ends up brain dead and has to be taken off life support," Alex said.
"You know, this really isn't helping me," Mallie snapped.
"And then she asked if you were here because she wanted to tell you something. Then she said that you were probably working because you work instead of facing your problems and she seems to think that she's a problem right now," Alex said. Mallie groaned and stood up.
"Why does she think she's a problem?" Meredith asked.
"She isn't the problem. The problem is her tumour and the problem is me," Mallie said.
"What do you mean?" Maggie asked.
"It's nothing. Look, I can't sit around and watch this. I can't. Text me when she's out," she said.
"Where are you going?" Meredith asked.
"I don't know yet," Mallie said, leaving the room quickly.
Mallie stared up at Jesus on the cross in the chapel, twirling the cross necklace she wore around her neck between the fingers on her left hand. She was sat on one of the front pews, trying to pray to a god she didn't really believe in anymore.
She sighed and closed her eyes, thinking of the prayer Amelia had told her they said at AA meetings.
"Dios, dame gracia para aceptar con serenidad las cosas que no pueden ser cambiadas, valentía para cambiar las cosas, las cuales deben ser cambiadas, y la sabiduría para distinguir lo uno de lo otro," she whispered.
"I didn't know you went to AA meetings," a voice came from behind her. She turned, opening her eyes to see Richard Webber sat a few rows behind her.
"I don't," Mallie shook her head, looking at the cross still in her fingers. "I mean, I do, but I'm not an addict. I just take Amelia whenever she needs one," she said. Richard smiled.
"You're worried about her," he said.
"She's got her brain out on a table. Worried is the small version of what I'm feeling," she sighed.
"Well, what are you feeling?" Richard said.
"I'm confused. I'm confused and I'm pissed off, pissed at myself and Amelia and this tumour in the first place. And I'm terrified that she's gonna die and I was a complete bitch to her," Mallie said.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Richard said. Mallie shrugged hopelessly. "Give it a try," he said. She sighed and rubbed her face.
"Okay. Uh, I'm confused, 'cause something almost happened and I only want it to happen for the right reasons and not while she's got a husband. So, there's that. And I've been ignoring her since that happened because I know I upset her by walking out after said thing almost happened. I want to tell her why I didn't do it, 'cause it isn't just that she's married. I mean, I'm not gonna help her cheat on Owen, even if they're clearly over, but it's not that that's my main issue," Mallie said.
"What is the main issue?" Richard asked.
"I run into burning buildings for a living. My chances of dying in a fire are high and if I don't die in a fire, I'm likely going to end up with a work-related cancer and die from that. I'm not gonna put her through all of that pain, not after everything else she's been through. It's not fair to her to put my burdens on her shoulders," Mallie said. He stood up and moved to sit in the row with her.
"You know, I think you're the only person who sees it that way. Do you love her?" he said. Mallie shrugged.
"It doesn't matter. She doesn't love me back. Everything she does for me, it could've been the tumour or it could be me overthinking friendly gestures," Mallie said.
"Well, you know the only way you'll figure out if it was real or not?" he said.
"Wait for her to wake up and talk to her then?" Mallie said. He smiled.
"Exactly," he said.
"I'm not gonna bring it up. I need her as a friend more than I want to risk ruining everything we have," Mallie said.
"Have you ever considered that she might love you back?" he said.
"No," Mallie shook her head.
"Why not?" Richard said. She shrugged.
"I'm broken, sir. My wiring is faulty," Mallie said.
"When something is wrong with a patient, what do you do?" he said.
"Treat it with surgery or other options if surgical intervention can be prevented," Mallie frowned.
"So, you fix it," Richard said.
"Sí, you fix it," Mallie agreed.
"So, if you think you're broken or your wiring is faulty, fix it," he said.
"How? I've been like this since I was a kid. I can't just change overnight," Mallie frowned.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things which should be changed and wisdom to distinguish one from the other," he said. Mallie looked back at the cross above their heads. "It's not going to happen overnight. One day at a time," he said.
"Un día a la vez," Mallie repeated. She stood up, tucking her necklace back under her shirt. "Thank you, sir," she said. He smiled.
"Of course, Mallie," he said, watching her leave the chapel.