Los Angeles, CA
March 17, 1994
It was St. Patrick's Day, and Thomas Perry was in the process of putting together an all-green outfit ensemble for his night at Molly Malone's Pub downtown. I had offered to go with him, but he declined my offer, telling me that he valued my sobriety and well being over spending time with me at a bar. He had good intentions, but I think my offer was my subconscious feeling so extremely guilty about the fact that I drove to Seattle to visit Kurt and ended up sleeping with Kurt and cheating on Thomas. I was going to tell him eventually, I just needed to find a good time. And let's be real, no time is a good time to break it to your significant other that you cheated. But I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it.
Thomas kissed me goodbye before heading out the door, leaving me to my own devices as I sat on the couch, hugging a throw pillow. I decided I was going to have a movie night. I got up off the couch and made some coffee, pouring it into my Nevermind mug and setting it down on the counter. I changed my mind. I was not going to be a hermit, I was going to go out and live my best life (while still maintaining my sobriety-- 83 days motherfuckers!). And that was going to happen by going to the Sunset Strip.
I drove to the Whisky A Go Go, where Mötley Crüe played shows regularly back in the 80s, so I knew there had to be a good band playing. I walked up to the bar, sunglasses on so no one would recognize me, and ordered a club soda with lime. I looked up to the stage and saw some dudes I had never seen before. Thank the Lord. I would have legitimately died if Greg and his band were performing there.
I took a shuddering breath at the memory, taking a sip of my soda through the tiny black straw they provided, and I heard someone say "no way," way too loud. Oh shit. This was a bad idea. Especially after all the press attention lately.
I spun around to address the person, preparing my generic "thank you so much for your continued support, have a great night," but instead, I saw Kurt. He took a few steps towards me, and on instinct, I tried to step back but my back was already pressed against the bar counter.
"Please don't tell me that's alcohol," Kurt pleaded, and I shook my head. "No, it's club soda." I eyed the bottle in his hand. "You'd be a hypocrite if that's beer."
"Root beer," Kurt grinned, flashing the Barq's label in my line of vision. He joined me by sitting on the bar stool next to mine, fidgeting with the bottle, spinning it around against the counter. I took a sip of my club soda.
"So, how's everything with Thomas?" he asked, and I nearly spit out my drink. "Give a girl a warning!" I laughed, and he smiled in response. "Sorry."
"He's good, spending St. Patrick's Day at some Irish pub."
"Why aren't you with him?" Kurt replied, and I shrugged. "He said he wanted to support my efforts to stay sober."
"That's nice," Kurt smirked, taking a sip of his root beer before continuing, "considering where you are right now, and who you're with."
"Well, Mr. Cobain, I can get up and leave right now if that's what you're implying," I told him, pulling out my wallet to pay for my drink. Kurt put his hand on top of mine, stopping me.
"No, that's not what I was implying at all. Besides, I approached you."
"But I chose to go to this bar out of all places."
"But I'm so surprised and glad to see you again."
"But we had sex. In your house."
"But I kissed you."
"But I drove up to Seattle."
"But I overdosed."
"But I went to rehab and ended up dating Thomas."
"But I married and had a kid with Courtney."
"But I lost our baby."
Both of us went quiet, processing what I had just said. Kurt grimaced and grabbed my hand, holding it tightly, his thumb rubbing over the top of my hand. "That was not your fault," he told me in a low voice, and I looked down into my lap.
"I really wanted that for you. To make you a dad. I mean, you were so excited," I said, and Kurt nodded. "Like I said, it was out of our control. And look, now we have Frances--"
"You and Courtney have Frances, Kurt," I ran my hand through my hair.
"I asked her for a divorce, Erin," Kurt told me bluntly, leaving me stunned.
"...Really?"
"Yes, Erin, really. I served her the papers last night, now all she has to do is sign them. And I shouldn't have a problem with custody, like I was saying the other day."
I shook my head in denial, trying to wrap my head around this. Kurt's dream scenario was becoming a reality. But was his dream the same as mine?
"Look, Erin. Courtney and I may be over," Kurt said, taking both my hands, forcing me to look him dead in the eyes, "but you and I are not. This is not over. It can't be."
I took a moment to think, then nodded before pulling out a $10 bill to cover our drinks and pulling Kurt out of the Whisky A Go Go.
***
Kurt and I walked down the Sunset Strip, avoiding any form of physical contact so we wouldn't be asked any questions. Kurt insisted he knew a place we could go, and took my car to the London West Hollywood Hotel at Beverly Hills. This place looked expensive as fuck.
We walked up to the front desk, and the teenager attending the area looked up at us, her eyes immediately widening with shock. "Y-y-you're..."
"Kurt Cobain and Erin Murbach, yes. If you don't leak to the press, I'll help pay for your college. Deal?" Kurt said, and the girl nodded. "How long will you be staying, s-sir?"
"Just tonight, I'll let you know if anything changes," Kurt replied, pulling out a few hundred dollar bills and placing them on the counter, "Thanks."
Well damn. That was hot.
The girl handed us our room key, and we took the elevator up to the top floor. We opened the door to reveal a penthouse apartment. This was incredible.
"Kurt, you really didn't have to do this--" I began, but Kurt shushed me, approaching me from behind, kissing my neck. "Yeaaaahh, I did."
I let out a light laugh, spinning around to kiss him while he gently kicked the door shut with his foot. Before we could go any further, I pulled away and turned on the lights, a dim glow bringing the apartment to life. "As much as I would love to, I don't think we should--"
"Yeah, I get it," Kurt cut me off, "You don't want to go down a shame spiral again."
I shook my head, walking up to him again to wrap my arms around his waist. "It's not a shame spiral."
"If you say so," Kurt said, pulling away from me to explore the place. The lights in the living room were still off. The moon shone through the window, and I admired Kurt's silhouette as he mindlessly checked out the white trim lining the ceiling.
He walked into the bedroom and I followed, jumping onto the giant king sized bed in the middle of the room. He did the same, and we just laid there laughing until he shut both of us up by kissing me. He pulled away about a minute later and laid on his back, looking up at the ceiling.
"I missed you," he admitted, and I smiled, taking his hand and lacing our fingers together.
"I missed you too. We should have never waited this long to sort everything out," I replied, and Kurt shook his head.
"No, like, I missed you for these past five days. It seems like such a short amount of time considering the average lifespan but for me it's an entire light year. It's like every moment now without you is a moment that I can't breathe. A moment I can't think straight. A moment not worth living," he said, his voice wavering.
I moved closer to him and he immediately responded, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. "Well I'm here now, right?" I asked, and Kurt sighed, "Yeah, but what happens when life catches up with us and you have to go back to Thomas? It would kill me to see his heart broken, he's a really good guy."
I took Kurt's face in my hands, as I watched him relax under my touch. "Yeah, he is, but you are my one true love. For some reason fate keeps bringing us back together and I think I'm okay with that."
Kurt took a deep breath, his hands running up and down my side. "I'm sorry for being a homewrecker," he said in the most somber tone ever, and I let out a loud laugh. "That's not funny!" he whined, burying his face in my shoulder. "I'm serious!"
"I'm just as much of a homewrecker as you are, make sure to tack a custody battle onto your list of grievances!" I responded, and Kurt refused to take that for an answer. He rolled over so he was hovering over me, and pushed a piece of hair away from my face.
"They're not grievances if you're the one I can have in the end," he said. "I love you, Erin." I smiled and pulled him down to me by his shirt collar.
"I love you too, Kurt."
A/N I have made the best oatmeal on the planet just now. Also! I've just released the first part of my new Kurt piece, "Oh, Me." Make sure to add it to your library for new updates!