Chapter One: Lucky & Thoughtful
"no I don't wanna die,
just don't wanna live,"
~ kate vogel
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"It smells like a bitch in here," I heard my amazing older brother groan behind me.
"Cyrus! Panuorin mo ang sinasabi mo!" Mom hissed next to him in Tagalog, basically warning him about his language.
I chose to ignore them, walking next to dad as we made our way to my dorm room. The hall getting toward it did smell like ass though. I didn't even want to question the cause for the smell.
"Finally," I mumbled under my breath, reaching for the door handle for dorm 174. I already had the key, so I quickly unlocked the door before being welcomed into the well-lit room.
The door was in the centre of the wall, with the left and right having a bed pushed against each corner. There was a desk at the end of the bed, as well as a closet. Right across from me, there were two night stands, each pressed against a bed. There was also a large window, which I appreciated.
"Cool," my ten-year-old brother, Dax, breathed out, walking around me.
I noticed that my roommate still wasn't here, since there was nothing in the room, besides the furniture. So, I took the gym bag and luggage I was holding, and dropped it on the left bed.
Cyrus, my twenty-two year old brother, dropped two of the plastic bins on the floor next to me, while mom left the three reusable bags next to my gym bag.
"Clover," mom called out, and I turned, meeting her dark, monolid eyes. They were also narrowed. "You didn't forget anything, diba? You will have to wait until you come back home if you did."
"Don't worry, mama. I checked everything off my list," I tightly smiled. Mom immediately assumed I forgot something. Forever the pessimist.
"Joyce, don't worry. She's responsible," dad chuckled, wrapping his arm around me before kissing the top of my head.
I smiled and leaned into him before pulling away. When my eyes met his round, green ones, I internally frowned. While my eyes were wider than mom's, compared to dad's, my upturned eyes were on the brink of being hooded—which I always hated.
"Thanks dad," I smiled forcefully before moving toward Dax—who was already sitting on my bed, back against the white wall as he played on his switch.
My family was beyond weird, and at times—most of the time—I questioned how my parents got together in the first place. Dad was Irish, optimistic and always smiling. Mom was raised in a Filipino household and always found something negative to pick out from the good.
But they met in college and fell in love. Now with him being a physics professor, and her being a physical therapist in our town of Waydale. It was south of Ontario, with a population of 20,000. Though, he taught at the University of Guelph, which was an hour and a half drive from home.
I didn't go to that school. I wanted to be far away from Waydale, and the people along with it.
I ran my fingers through my wavy, chestnut brown, shoulder length hair as I looked around my room. "Jeez," I mumbled under my breath.
This room looks like pussy, Clove. You seriously need my help.
The voice that had been following for months, has arrived. Great.
But I shoved it back before quickly spinning on my heel to look at Cyrus—who was the lucky dick who got dad's eyes. "Can you bring that box here?" I pointed next to my bed.
He cocked his head and crossed his arms, leaning against my closet. "You admitting you're weak, Clover?"
"I'm not weak—"
I stopped when mom used her hand to hit the back of his head. "It's not good for women to lift heavy things, Cyrus! She can have difficulties getting pregnant after."
"Mama," I groaned. "Please." Also forever superstitious.
She twisted her body toward me, staying near the edge of my bed as she glared. Cyrus was bringing the box toward me, though. "Okay so when you miscar—"
"Joyce." Dad walked around me and toward mom, holding her hips to bring her closer. Cyrus and I watched as he whispered in her ear before pulling away.
Although she was glaring, I didn't miss how her cheeks warmed up. Gross.
"I don't understand why dad couldn't bring the box then. Or Dax," Cyrus taunted, and I nearly banged my head against the mattress.
"Oh aking diyos," mom groaned, rubbing her forehead. Her nearly black hair was up in a high ponytail, with some wisps coming out on the sides. Although tan, I could see some faint lines by her eyes.
Other than that, for an almost fifty-year-old woman, mom looked young. She and dad took up running after Cyrus and I were old enough to be home alone, so they went out almost daily in the morning.
"Cyrus, don't be a smart ass," I heard dad point out, and starting there, argument ensued. Mom being louder than both.
I tuned them out, and so did Dax, who was still playing on his switch. While I Lysol wiped the counters, I stayed in my thoughts while ignoring the ache in my chest.
While cleaning, I noticed dad and mom unpacking some of my things while arguing. I didn't question it before opening the clear white bin next to me. I pulled out my sage green bed sheets and began to slip it on.
Dax and I didn't even exchange any words. He only rolled to the opposite side, his full attention still on the small screen. He got the switch on his birthday in August, and since then, he'd been glued to the tablet.
My little brother was cute, though. With his wide, but hooded hazel eyes, full cheeks and straight dark brown hair. He was also amazing at soccer, and in that moment, I felt guilty for moving two hours away from home.
Woodside State University. I could lie and say I came here for no reason or by manipulation. But it wasn't because of that. I had to come here. For her. Adrianna.
My heart ached, just thinking my best friends name.
The fogginess in my mind began to fade when I heard loud shouting in the room, and my eyes widened, fearful that mom was about to take off her shoe.
Instead, I noticed Cyrus sticking out his head from my doorway, grinning at whatever he saw on the left side of the hall. "What the hell are you guys doing here?"
I saw mom glare, but she said nothing as dad slipped next to her. They were both watching Cyrus, who was evidently, not looking at any of us.
Someone replied. "Dropping off my sister, man!" With that, Cyrus smirked and stepped out of my room fully before walking toward the voice.
Mom looked ready to pick a fight but dad calmed her down. I chose to remain silent before dropping my gaze back to the bin. Without thinking, I reached under my extra bed sheets I packed before grabbing the framed photograph I packed carefully.
I sat on my bed without looking away from the picture, trying not to tighten my hold on the frame.
Next to me, the bed dipped slightly. Hearing a soft sigh, I knew it had been mom. "I wish you chose to go to school closer to home."
Her hand grazed my shoulder, but I couldn't glance away from the picture. "Mama, I couldn't. I..."
Forcing my head up, I met her eyes and watched her nod with understanding. "I know. Your stubbornness. Manang-mana ka sa tatay mo."
"Dad is not stubborn," I chuckled, shaking my head. Every time Cyrus, Dax or I did something she didn't approve of, she'd blame it on dad and his genes.
She pretended to shove that idea away before turning to her right, where her large purse was resting. I watched her pull out a small baggy of animal crackers before handing it to me. "Eat."
"Mama, I'm—"
"We drove for a long time. And you didn't eat, so, eat," she glared.
I sighed and grabbed the bag. I took out three before handing the rest to Dax, who gratefully took it. Mom looked satisfied before turning to dad, who was sitting on the empty bed across from me.
He was tall, at over six feet, while mom was the complete opposite at nearly five feet. He was also intimidating, with light brown, salt and pepper hair in a grown-out fade. But his freckles made him appear more friendly to his students, according to him.
"You guys should probably start heading back now," I commented, gaining both of their attention. "The drive will be long until you hit Waydale."
Dad nodded and stood up, shoving his phone into his slacks while mom watched me, teary-eyed. We were all on our feet in seconds before mom moved in front of me, cupping my cheeks.
Since I was about five-six, height wise, she bent my head lower, so she could kiss my forehead. "Bahala ka sa buhay mo." You take care of your life.
"You too, mama," I mumbled before she pulled away.
The next few minutes consisted of saying goodbye to my parents, Dax and Cyrus—who eventually graced us with his presence.
When the door finally closed behind them, I took a shaky breath and sat on my ivory tassel duvet, which was now covering my bed, along with the two sage green pillows.
I knew I'd probably see Cyrus on campus, since he was getting his graduate degree here. He's lived off campus in an apartment with three of his friends, since second year.
While I did love my brother, I did not love him enough to see him daily. I had enough of that the first fourteen years of my life, and I didn't want to renew that membership.
With that thought, I stood up and continued to unpack my belongings for the next hour while listening to music on my wireless headphones. But that didn't stop the voice for piping up here and there.
No, Clove! Not there! Haven't I taught you anything?
That looks pussy. Move it there.
You're so lucky I'm not there to fuck shit up. Be happier.
When it was getting closer to five, I sat on my bed again, cupping my face with frustration. My headphones were around my neck, and my chest was heaving. I felt frantic, on the brink of tears. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted her to shut up.
Luckily, a form of distraction entered at that moment, when the door on my right opened, revealing... holy shit.
The girl entering, although short, looked both beautiful and intense at the same moment. With an oval face, pale skin, upturned but hazel eyes, my roommate looked close to a model. Her hair was dyed blonde, styled in a pixie cut and a purple bandana. Her roots were turning to a dark brown shade, which I assumed was her natural colour.
When our eyes met, she smiled. "Hello, roomy."
I stood up, watching as her eyes slowly moved up and down my body. I took this moment to notice how her tank top and cut off shorts shoved off her dozens of tattoos, which scattered most of her arms and chest. She was really short, probably a few inches shorter than me.
"Tiffany?" I remembered reading from the information sheet I was given.
Her eyes darkened before nodding once. "I go by Tilly. Tilly Smirnoff. Clover?"
"Yep. And I go by Clover. Clover Fields." I watched as her lower lip pursed, which made me frown. "What?"
"I'm tryin' to figure out a name for you," she stated, dropping the three bags she was holding onto the right bed across from me.
Before she could continue, another person entered through the doorway, and I widened my eyes, turning in their direction.
Who stood there was a man, who had matching eyes and facial features as Tilly. I quickly assumed he was her brother, since he looked too young to be her father.
"Like him!" Tilly piped up, smirking at the guy. "His nickname is shit head."
He flipped her off before throwing the four bags he'd been holding, onto the floor. "And you eat shit," he spat before turning in my direction.
With a smirk, he stepped forward and stuck out one hand while using the other to hold the back of his neck, flexing his muscles in the process. I noticed his light brown hair slicked back, in a side part hairstyle.
"Vitaly," he said, arching a brow.
I put my hands into his. "Clover."
When he didn't move away, I furrowed my brows before slowly pulling away from him, only to hear Tilly snap her fingers. Focusing back to her, I noticed her smirking in my direction. "Coco. As if coco for coco puffs. I love it."
I shrugged. "Sounds good with me. But I find it hard to give you a nickname if you already—"
She waved it off. "It's chill, Coco." With that, she turned to her brother and clapped her hands. "Why is your ugly face still here. Idi na khuy."
My brows furrowed and she turned to me. "Say it."
"Idi na khuy?" I confirmed, making her clap her hands with excitement.
"Yes! I love it when people speak Russian." She turned to her brother, shooing him away. "Bye bye."
"Wait, what did I say?"
"Nothing—"
"You told me to go fuck myself," Vitaly drawled, but didn't seem offended in the slightest as he stepped forward, closer to me. "Look at this, Tilly. You're already becoming a bad influence on your roommate."
Tilly didn't look worried, rolling her eyes as she stuck out her middle finger. "Get out."
He waited until our eyes met again before he winked, smirking. "See you, Fields." He took a step back before flipping off his sister—who still didn't put down her finger.
Once the door closed behind him, she groaned loudly before throwing herself back onto the bed, laying like a starfish. "God damn, I thought that debil would never leave."
I tightly smiled before sitting on the ledge of my bed. My phone, which had been laying close to my pillows, rang with a notification, and I quickly lifted it.
For the first second, I held my breath when my eyes landed on the lock screen before looking at the text. It was from dad: We got home safe. Remember to use the pepper spray!
If I need to, I will. But I know how to defend myself. Which wasn't a lie. I took two years of self-defence classes in high school with... Adrianna.
Again, thinking her name turned my thoughts dark, along with the heaviness in my heart.
"So, what's your story, Coco?" I heard Tilly question, and my eyes followed as she sat up. Her tank top lowered, showing off her red bra, but she didn't make an effort to adjust her shirt.
"There's no story." My mouth tasted bitter.
Her eyes narrowed on me before tsking. "Nah. Everyone has a story." She lifted her right arm, which was mostly filled with tattoos. "If you look closer, you can read them."
My brows furrowed, looking closer to the random shapes and pieces of food forever indented on her skin. "You like... Kit kat?"
She grinned. "Love them. But there's always more beyond the surface," she sang teasingly, but I was confused, because... her eyes looked tense.
Her arm dropped before she took a heavy breath. "Would you mind if I smoke? I should probably warn you about that."
I cringed, watching her bend down to the bag against the leg of the bed. In seconds, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "I really don't like the smell," I admitted hesitantly, not wanting to get on bad terms with her already. "I'm sorry, would you—"
"It's chill, Coco. I get it." She stood, shoving the pack and lighter into her shorts pocket before cocking her head to the door. "I was thinkin' about getting some food. Wanna come with?"
"Are you sure. I know you probably want to—"
"Coco," she chuckled, and my eyes couldn't help but linger on her jawline. Damn, it looked sharp enough to cut paper. "It's chill. I need the company anyways. Don't worry, we'll keep the distance."
I nodded and grabbed my black lanyard key chain before shoving my feet into my slides and stepping out with her. It was the end of August, so I was currently dressed in a floral blue, midi ruffle dress.
We walked down the two floors in silence before heading to one of the many building that offered food. "So, what you getting?" Tilly asked, looking at the variety of options around us.
"Probably a quesadilla," I admitted, eyeing the station on my left.
She nodded approvingly. "I'm gonna get one, too."
As we walked to the station, there were three people in the line in front of us. I noticed the silence between us and hated it, but I had no idea what to talk about.
God, Clove. You're being a pussy. Let's go, open that mouth. We both know you have a disability called never being able to shut up.
Shut up, Adrianna.
Just as I was about to focus on Tilly, my ears suddenly perched up, hearing a familiar name from a conversation in front of us.
"I just can't wait for the season to start," one of the girls in front of us sighed. The light brown haired one.
The girl on her left groaned. "Via, you don't even understand football."
"But I understand men," the girl, Via, sang. "And Jared in a man. A big man that I want all over me."
Every bone in my body stiffened as they continued.
"You're such a pervert."
"Am not!"
"You totally are," her friend laughed before it was their turn to order.
I stayed in place, my eyes lingering at nothing as Tilly chuckled under her breath. "You a footballer groupie?"
My eyes widened and shot to hers. "What?"
Her sharp, light brown brow quirked. "You tensed up when Jared's name was mentioned. You his groupie?" Her eyes narrowed. "On looks or talents? Because the guy has serious talents on the field."
I cleared my throat to give myself time to think. "I... I'm not a groupie." I didn't think he was that popular but, go him?
We both stepped forward when the other girls moved to the left, waiting for their order. "Well, you should ask Vitaly if you're actually into football. He's the definition of a fuckin' groupie."
After that, we ordered and grabbed our food in silence. I waited until we were outside before eyeing her side profile. "Where are you leading me?"
Let her lead you, Clove.
I wanted to hit my forehead to stop the voice.
"The field," she told me, making my eyes widen and feet falter from under me.
I jogged to catch up to her, the tin that held my food slowly burning my hands. "Why?"
Her hazel eyes briefly met mine before she shrugged. God damn, for someone so short, she really took long strides. "Vitaly used to play football. I came to his games but when he practised, I came here to eat. It's nice."
"How old is your brother?" I asked, furrowing my brows. He looked to be in his early twenties.
"Twenty-four. He works at a radio station close by." She snorted, and I looked forward, noticing the field was a few feet from us. "He likes to tell people he was Jared's mentor, because he was in his first year the year Vitaly was graduating. But the kid had talent the second he got here."
She shook her head. "I don't know why I'm even callin' him a kid. He's like, two years older than us I think." She stepped onto the bleachers first, and I followed her to the top before sitting near the end.
I tensed up when I glanced to the far left side of the field, noticing a group of men running laps. My thoughts instantly zeroed in on Jared, who although I shouldn't even think about, I couldn't help but do so.
"If I wasn't gay, I'd totally do him," I heard Tilly sigh longingly next to me, and for the first time today, I felt myself genuinely smiling. She noticed and grinned. "What?"
"You'd do him?" I almost chuckled.
"Oh yeah," she scoffed, straightening her back. "The only thing stoppin' us from being a thing is my sexuality. Other than that, it would have been a done deal."
I smiled before looking to my lap. I began to open up the lid when I heard the voice again.
I like her, Clove. Maybe don't k—
"So!" I nearly screamed, feeling my heart in a tight knot as I snapped my head toward Tilly. She didn't look surprised, only amused. "Do you watch football?"
She shrugged. "Only because of my brother. It's interesting to watch them get hurt. I enjoy people being in pain." I watched as she began to smirk. "Speaking of pain. Even though you don't look like a person who likes blood, there's—"
My light chuckle cut her off. "I'm a biochemistry major, TBA forensic scientist."
Her smirk widened. "Great. Well, then you gotta come with me somewhere on Friday, after the first football game."
"There's a game?"
She nodded, before taking a bit of her food. "Game zero. You down?" I nodded and watched her chew. "Great."
For the next few minutes, we continued to eat in silence before she admitted to having an appointment at seven. With that, we threw out our garbage before walking back to the dorms direction.
As we were nearing it, she gave me a look. "So, Coco. Do you know anyone here? Friends?"
My thoughts landed on Adrianna and I choked up before shaking my head. "No. Most people from my town went to school close by or went straight to work."
She nodded. "Most kids in my street didn't even pass high school. Idiots."
That made me chuckle under my breath, although, the tightness in my chest didn't vanish.
After another few minutes, we were at the doors of the dorm, and I turned on my heel, facing her. "I'll be back within an hour. Oh! We should probably get each others number." I nodded, and we exchanged phones and numbers.
When I was holding my phone again, I shoved it in my back pocket and smiled. "I'll see you soon." We waved goodbye before separating, me back into our building.
I reached the second floor and maintained a cool exterior. That was, until I reached the end of the hall. I grabbed the door handle and moved the lanyard key chain off my neck before using my key to unlock the door.
Once I stepped inside the quiet room, I eyed Tilly's side while leaning against the closed door behind me. Slowly, I released a shaky breath.
For the first time today, tears began to flow down my cheeks, feeling zaps of pain within every cell of my body.
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SOOO TOTALLY FORGOT TO PUT
AN ALARM TO POST SO IM AN
HOUR LATE
IM SORRY
LONGER AUTHORS NOTE
IN THE NEXT ONE