Jace
I don't know how long it's been since I've come back from the hospital. But the windows provide a slightly orange hue to the room, indicating that sunset is only a few minutes away. I stare at the sky beyond the tall buildings before a knock appears at my door. I get out of bed reluctantly and trudge over to the entrance. The lock clicks open as I rotate the button underneath the handle. Aiden pauses for a full moment before coming in after I haul the door just enough for him to enter. Words hesitate to come out of his mouth.
"I thought you might want to... drive Jonas to the hospital soon."
His eyes fail to meet mine as a shot of guilt shoots through me. I completely forgot that tonight is very possibly the last night that Jonas might get to see his mother. That I might get to see her.
"I'll be down in five minutes."
He turns around to leave but I stop him.
"Aiden?"
"Yeah?" he says, his back still facing me.
It's my turn to have words stick inside my mouth. They just fucking refuse to come out.
"I know. You're welcome," he adds, a guttering smile barely appearing on his lips.
He leaves the room without another word but his tone was soft enough to make my fastening heartbeat settle down a bit. So I splash water on my face and wipe it dry before heading down the stairs. Aiden, Mateo, and Luna all sit around the coffee table with Jonas sprawled quietly between them. He walks over to me and throws his arms up. Not in the way that suggests an incoming tantrum, but rather a request for me to pick him up. So I do. His body feels warm against my chest, his usually giggling face is grim now, like he somehow understands the weight on my heart.
None of the other three people meet my eyes. They pick themselves up as Aiden barely manages to get out the next words.
"We'll be right behind you."
I walk down to the basement and seat Jonas beside me before getting into the driver's seat. I twist the key and the engine roars but suddenly, my arms feel too heavy to drive. I take a deep breath and pull out of the parking lot.
To my dismay, there's barely any traffic on the streets. We get to the hospital a little too quickly. Jonas clings closely to my arm as he walks with me up the stairs. I drag my legs along, feeling each step getting harder than the one before. But Jonas's slight grip on my forearm reminds me that I need to keep going.
Jaden and Ethan stand outside her room with grim faces and almost bow their heads down when they see me. They must know what this visit entails.
I can feel the breath being sucked out of my lungs when I step inside the room. The sun has almost set and there's a dark tinge to the walls. Tubes and wires still sit in here like they did weeks ago. Jonas lets go of the grip on my hands and looks up at me with a patient look in his eyes. Like he's waiting for my permission. I give him a nod and bend down to place a gentle hand on his back. He immediately rushes to his mother's side and jumps in an attempt to climb her bed. I walk a couple steps in to hoist him up on it. He nestles into Hope's side, placing his head at her chest and angling his knees toward her stomach. I stand and watch him take in his mother's presence. God knows what it'll do to him if— I refuse to let myself think about that 'if'.
Footsteps soon approach the door and I don't have to look to know it's Aiden, Luna, and Mateo walking in. All of them watch Jonas lie down beside her in solemn silence. They stand by my side for what feels like years bleeding into seconds. Jonas has dozed off on Hope's bed. I turn to Aiden and tell him to go home.
"What about you boss?" Mateo asks.
"I'm going to stay here tonight."
Luna takes in another shaky breath. Fucking hell. I don't even want to think about how hard it is for her to not break into tears right now. So I give Aiden another nod and he guides Luna out the door, Mateo following closely behind them.
I sit myself on the couch beside her bed and ignore the memory of pain in my back. My eyes wash over Hope and Jonas one last time before I lose track of my vision and feel the world blur around me.
Harsh light shines through the room and I open my eyes, struggling to cope with the morning sun. Jonas still sleeps beside his mother but surprisingly and chillingly, his eyes are wide open. He's awake and yet, he hasn't stirred from last night's position one bit. I walk over to him and extend my arms out. He stands up and leans in without hesitation. I pick him up into my grip and let his head rest over my shoulder. I feel a lump form in my own throat when my shirt feels damp underneath my son's face.
"Mommy no wake up Daddy."
And before I can say anything back to him, Dr. Hudson knocks on the door. There's a couple other nurses behind her, holding materials I don't even want to imagine the usage of.
"We're ready," she says, softly and patiently, eyeing Jonas in my arms.
I take my son and walk out the room, heart more heavy than his weight in my arms.
His tears don't stop falling the entire ride home. I feel like gutting myself with a knife for the lack of words in my mind to comfort him. Hope would surely know what to do. This feels like my first test of parenting without her and I'm already failing at it. I take a slight glance at him while stopping the car at a red light. He's so tiny that with every tear that falls off his face, I feel like it sucks the life out of him. I clench the steering wheel a little tighter, not knowing what else to do to control the burning rage and overflowing grief inside of me.
By the time we get home, he looks so tired and lost that I put him down on my bed before walking to the shower myself. Cold water tingles every inch of my skin as I struggle to steady my breath. The shuddering only intensifies as the 'if' from the hospital comes back to haunt me.
I finish my shower and dress myself to go back to the hospital. Being there when she wakes up seems like the only thing I can do for now.
Luna
The longer I stare at myself in the mirror, the harsher my dark circles appear to be. I barely slept a wink last night, regretting my decision to send Aiden back to his apartment. I grab my purse off the table and head out the door, locking it shut behind me.
The mansion seems appropriately silent as I walk up to the living room. Aiden and Mateo sit across each other, each lost in thoughts of their own. But the sound of my shoes is loud enough to make them swing their heads at me.
"Where are they?" I ask.
"Jonas is sleeping and boss has already left this morning." Mateo replies.
It seems strange being here right now and not at the hospital. My nerves cackle along with my anxiety. But Jonas needs to be watched after. The poor little boy doesn't even know much his life could change in the next couple hours. Aiden glances at me and his eyes promote nothing but understanding.
"I'll watch him," he says, breaking our silence. "You guys should go back to the hospital. Make sure Jace doesn't punch his way through a wall."
I want to give him a smile but my lips refuse to respond.
"Are you sure?" Mateo asks with concern in his eyes.
Aiden nods, his eyes still on me.
"Thanks," I manage to say.
I grab my purse off the couch again and turn to walk upstairs.
"Give me a second," I tell Mateo before disappearing from his vision.
The door to boss's bedroom is left ajar. The curtains inside are drawn to prevent sunlight from getting in. Jonas sleeps sprawled out onto the bed, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. I place a gentle kiss on his forehead before heading straight down to the basement. If I stay a little longer, I might never be able to get myself to the hospital.
Mateo and I drive in silence. But it's the kind of silence that wraps you in a slight layer of warmth on a cold, rainy day. We both know what stands on the line. And we're both afraid for things to come out the wrong end. There's nothing to be said or done to settle that fear.
Our feet don't hurry into the hospital, feeling a little too drained from the uncertainty that lies ahead. But we head up to Hope's room. No one stands stationed at the door except boss. He sits with his head in his arms on a bench just outside her door. I can sense Mateo's hesitation as we approach him. One wrong move and like Aiden knows all too well, boss can fall right off the rails. But something in the stooped shoulders and in his exhausted energy tells me that it won't happen. I've seen the way he clings onto Jonas. And no matter how much losing Hope might break him, I have no doubt that he won't lose control of himself this time, at least for his son's sake. It's slightly strange that Aiden and Mateo don't understand that. But I do. And deep down, I know that if Luca was here, he would understand it too.
So I sit down next to boss and Mateo takes his seat beside me. The bench wiggles a little with our weight and boss immediately swings his head up, hand reaching out to his gun. Relief shoots through his face as he realizes that we're the only ones here.
"Aiden's at home with Jonas."
He gives me a terse smile before putting his head back down in his palms. But it's enough for me to catch a glimpse of his red-rimmed eyes and darkened skin underneath. We sit in silence for achingly long hours, staring blankly at the red light illuminating the ICU ward's door at the back end of this hallway. None of us dare to move, too alert and afraid for our own good.
Jace
I raise my head up to squint across the hallway. The floor is lit by tube lights above us, suggesting that the sun outside has already set. But nurses and doctors are running around with gruesome medical equipment in their hands. There's more chaos now, slicing through the silence that coated us just moments ago. Panic shoots through my veins, immediately defeating the rising desire to sleep inside me.
"What's going on?" I yell out to them but none of them bother to answer.
So I dart outside the ICU myself and grab a male nurse by his collar. His eyes widen in equal measures of rage and panic.
"What the fuck is going on?" I growl at him.
"I'm just a nurse," he replies.
I raise my fist to throw a punch at me before feeling Luna's cold and icy hands stop me. My grip opens just enough for him to rush inside again. The doors close, the view inside narrowing with every second. Somehow, I can't help but think that time is slipping out of my hands. Like she is slipping out of my hands.
Luna and Mateo give me wary looks but don't say anything. We go back and sit on the bench for yet another set of grueling, painful hours. The exhaustion creeps up on me again but I keep my senses wide open. And what feels like an eternity later, Dr. Hudson emerges from the room. I don't even feel my legs as they get up and dart towards her. She tenses a little, surprised by how quickly I cut the distance between us.
"How is she?"
I haven't spoken in so long that my voice feels foreign to me. I try not to make too much out of the exhaustion and lack of emotion on her face. And again, it takes the woman an unbearable amount of time to open her fucking mouth.
"She's stable. Breathing on her own."
I look at her like I'm waiting for her to say something more. Even though proof of her breathing is enough to slow my heart rate down. As if sensing my confusion, the doctor speaks again.
"Your wife is going to be just fine, Mr. Sullivan. Although I doubt she'll be able to wake up tonight."
Luna and Mateo stir beside me in sheer relief and joy. I hadn't even realized they were standing beside me. Dr. Hudson walks past us and for the first time since my wedding, I take a full breath. A breath that signifies nothing but hope and relief. Like a breeze of cool wind on a hot and sunny day. Luna's tears already glisten on her face. She lunges toward Mateo and he catches her in his arms. She turns to me before Mateo's ready to let her go. I extend my arms and let her give me a hug, wanting to make sure that all of this was real. Her eyes gleam even brighter when I let her go.
"I should let Aiden know," Luna adds.
She excuses herself, already drawing a phone out of her purse on the bench.
"Drive her home, Mateo. I'm going to stay the night."
He gives me a smile wide enough to encompass everything he wants to say to me. I give him a nod as he turns around and follows after Luna. The slightly screeching sound of wheels fills my ears as I watch two nurses roll Hope back inside her room. I wait for them to take their leave before walking inside myself. The tubes attached to her body are now gone,replaced by a single and simple saline. And although some of the paleness from her body has vanished, I wince at how frail and thin she still looks.
I glance at the chair beside her bed waiting for me. I don't even know why I smile as I walk towards it. Tomorrow morning, the sun will rise again. And I'll be right here, waiting for her to wake up.
My fingers breach against my gun as my brain wakes up a little before my eyes. Groaning noises fill the room and my senses immediately dart to Hope who's struggling to sit up. I rush to her side and hold her up in my arms. I flick a glare of concern in her direction as she adjusts her body in a new position. The sky outside is a shade lighter than a navy blue color, indicating sunrise to arrive in just a few hours. How is she already awake?
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
"I enjoyed the look of discomfort you had sleeping in that chair."
And in that moment, I feel a gust of wind sweeping inside my lungs, a laugh breaking out of my chest, and warmth spreading to every one of my fingers. She's awake. She's awake and she's all aspects of herself. I must be smiling because her eyes never seem to leave my face. But then they trail off to the wall behind me, as if she's trying to remember something. Her eyes widen as they whip back to me.
"Jonas?" she asks, her voice unnaturally hoarse this time.
"He's safe and at home."
"How long has it been?"
I find myself hesitating. Looking at her like she's a piece of cracked glass that might shatter at any moment.
"Six weeks."
Her body tenses in fear and shock. I bite down on a wince as I realize the day that she has her latest memories from. There's so much to tell her. So much that she has yet to know. But right now, all I want to do is hold her. Hold her and make sure that she's real. But alas, the look on her face suggests she has plans of her own.
"Are you okay?" I interrupt her churning thoughts, grazing my fingers along her body. "Does anything hurt?"
"Just feels like someone hit me with a bus," she replies, exhaling a long breath.
"Do you want me to get you something?"
"Get me home," she breathes.
"That's one thing I can't do, babe"
She pleads with me using her eyes.
"Dr. Hudson spoke to me very clearly before you woke up. They're going to keep you here for at least two days. Routine checkups, tests, and some other shit I don't understand."
I walk to the chair that has been my bed for too many nights and grab a book from the railing sitting behind.
"But I brought you something in the meantime."
Hope
My heart clenches inside my chest. The Scarlet Letter. It's the book I had borrowed from Cora but hadn't quite finished. I don't think he knows that. But it gives me comfort nonetheless. His phone starts ringing and he immediately picks it up.
"Make it quick," he orders.
There's silence as he listens closely.
"Have Aiden deal with it."
Silence again. But this time it's shorter.
"No, I don't have the fucking time," he growls and hangs up.
He turns to me and I give him a knowing smile.
"What was that?"
"A shipping malfunction. I'm the only one with the list."
"You should go. I'll be fine."
His face falls but he knows I'm right.
"I'll call Mateo. He'll keep you company."
I know that's not the only reason Jace won't leave me without someone else watching. But I don't mind. Not like I did when I first came with Jonas to New York.
Mateo arrives not half an hour later and I'm unable to hide my delight.
"I'll be back soon," Jace says, walking over to me.
He looks confused as to what he needs to do before leaving but I give him an understanding nod. He turns around and stumbles out awkwardly.
"You look terrible," Mateo says, sitting beside me in the bed.
"I feel it." He smiles sadly, squeezing my hand. "How have you been?" I ask him.
"Oh you know. The usual. Mornings at the warehouse and nights at the clubs."
I can't help but chuckle a little, even though it feels like someone stabbed my chest with a hundred different knives.
"How are the others? Luna and Aiden?"
"Can't seem to keep their hands off each other."
His words speak for himself. The same hint of mischief and lightness around him. But somehow, his eyes don't live up to that twinkle anymore. I try no to make too much of it.
"And Luca and Sofia? She must be showing by now right?"
His face darkens, like he's trying hard to hide some sort of pain. Some deep wound that I just ripped open again.
"They're fine," is all he says.
And from the warning lurking in his eyes, I don't wander further. Weird. Since when did Luca and Sofia become a touchy subject for Mateo? But he doesn't give me time to ask more questions as he excuses himself to stand on guard at the door and yet again, I feel a wall of distance he's putting up between us. But why? The questions pierce me, even when I try to distract myself by reading. Even when my head starts throbbing with pain. I give up and take a nap.
When I open my eyes again, the sunlight outside is gone, replaced by a hint of orange between dark blues. Mateo's nowhere to be found but Jace is sitting exactly where he was when I first woke up.
"Shipping malfunction taken care of?" I ask him, trying to sit up straighter.
Though it's easier to do right now than it was this morning, it still sends shivers of pain down my spine. In a second, Jace is up and at the curb of my bed, helping me up. He adjusts a pillow behind my back before picking up the tray of food beside me. And even though the vegetables look and smell horrible, I find myself starving a little.
"Yeah," he responds to my question, handing me the tray.
I take it from him and almost drop it immediately. Jace's hands catch it in time. No matter how hard I try, my fingers and wrist refuse to hold it up. It feels strange. Kind of like eating a cake but not being able to taste it. Like I can move but the power is lacking from my limbs.
"I'll hold it up," he offers.
He sits down beside me and holds the tray high enough for me to eat from it. Selfishly, I grab the fork and pierce through a couple beans, shoving them in my mouth. I feel like gagging at the taste. I almost do. But Jace gives me a stern look, more like a warning, and I swallow the bite I've taken.
Throughout my entire dinner, he sits there, holding the tray, while I forcefully shove mouthfuls of food inside my mouth. Not once does he falter or complain. So I finish as fast as I can and let him keep the tray back in its place. He hands me a glass of water and rips open a sachet of pills sitting beside the tray.
I take the water and drink a few sips before he empties the sachet in my palm. Five pills of varying sizes and colors in his hands. I swallow them with water in groups. He takes the glass from my hands and keeps it on the table before walking back to his chair. I think about asking him what's wrong with Mateo and Luca but decide against it. He looks... busy. His sharp nose is peaked inside his phone. So I go back to my book.
I can barely focus on reading while he sits there, not saying anything and looking ridiculously hot. And then he stretches his legs out a little more, relaxing his back.
"Are you going to sleep here?" I blurt out.
The screen of his phone turns black and he looks at me.
"Think of me as your personal bodyguard."
I bite my lip. I've slept around him before. Hell I've even slept with him. But I feel awfully self-conscious right now. Aware of every strand of hair that's awkwardly sticking out. Or the fact that I haven't seen myself in what... six weeks? He doesn't look in my direction though. He closes his eyes shut and doesn't move a muscle after that. So I do the same.
I wake up the next morning with a feeling of nausea in my stomach. Jace sits up straight, face still busy on his phone. I wonder what has him working so much.
"Morning," he says, without even looking at me.
I sit up by myself this time, though it hurts like hell. A woman knocks on our door before I can say anything else.
"Come in Dr. Hudson," Jace says, finally ditching his phone.
"Good morning, Mr. Sullivan", she says, walking over to me. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Sullivan?"
The name tingles my senses a little.
"Still a little sore. And it's Hope, by the way."
She stiffens a little, but her smile doesn't falter. I feel Jace's shoulders stiffen too.
"We've just got a couple tests scheduled for this morning. Mr. Sullivan? Do you mind?"
"I'll come back later," he offers in my direction before walking out the door.
I catch the silhouettes of two men standing at the exit and acknowledging Jace as he walks past them. Dr. Hudson catches my glare.
"Your husband seems to be paranoid about your protection."
My husband. I give her a shy smile, not knowing how to respond to that.
"We have an MRI scheduled after your lunch. For now, I'll just take some of your blood."
She draws a needle near my forearm and pats the skin on it first. Her finger seems to find a good spot on the opposite side of my elbow before she quickly injects the needle and draws the end of it back. I watch as the little tube inside fills with my blood. Flashes of my wedding come rushing back, merged together in a blur and my head throbs. But I ignore them. I'm not ready for that yet.
"I've also changed your diet a little. Since you're now eating for two."
Her face hold that same, annoying smile again.
"Excuse me?"
She blinks at me, hesitating, while her smile disappears.
"I'm sorry. I thought Mr. Sullivan told you."
"Told me what?"
"That you're pregnant."
What? How is that possible? How is that even possible? I was in a damn coma for six weeks. I can't possibly—
"You're roughly nine weeks along."
And then it strikes me. Our engagement party. For god's sake. I can never seem to sleep with that man without him getting me pregnant. But if he knew about it, why didn't he tell me? Does that asshole really think he can ignore his way along this pregnancy? Does he think he can pretend it doesn't exist? Because if so, he's in for a damn long lecture.
"I'll see you at the MRI," the doctor says before giving me another annoying smile and leaving.
Jace
I finally drive back to the hospital after a long day of business meetings. The board committee of my hotels apparently thinks I'm not involved enough. It was easy to do when I was living in that penthouse. But now that I live in a mansion in the outskirts of from New York City, it's gotten exponentially harder.
"Do you mind explaining?" Hope says the moment I walk inside her room.
I ignore her for a second before telling Ethan and Josh to go home.
"Explain what exactly?"
The chair groans again as I plop down on it.
"Why didn't you tell me I was pregnant."
I halt. For fuck's sake. I'm going to get Dr. Hudson fired.
"Don't act like it's her fault," she says again, freaking me out a little by reading my mind.
"I thought you needed some time before I told you."
"Oh. So it wasn't because you're scared out of your wits Mr. Sullivan?"
There's such a ferocious bite in her words that it's unbelievable this woman just woke up from a coma. I shrug her off.
"No. It wasn't."
Her face softens a little.
"Jace. I raised Jonas alone before you came along. But two kids? That's a... family. You can't run away from a family."
"You think I'm going to run away?"
Anger starts boiling inside of me.
"I don't know what to think anymore. You seem so lost in your own world. You make me feel like I'm nothing more than a burden to you".
Tears swim in her eyes and just like that, the anger settles back down. I walk to her and sit on her bed. She doesn't flinch.
"You are not a burden, Hope Sullivan. You are the mother of my child— children." Fuck me.
Her tears sublimate a bit and a smile blooms in their place. God. She's such a child.
"But there are things you don't know. Things that I'm not ready to tell and you're not ready to hear. So why don't we focus on getting you better and back home to our son? Okay?"
She nods like a little child too. She's looking better already. Dr. Hudson said she's keeping her on a strict diet until Hope's here. Seems like it's working. Maybe I won't fire her after all.
I kiss Hope on the forehead and retire to my chair. She picks the book I bought her up again. It's the book she had borrowed from Cora. And it's exactly the book I wanted to give her yesterday.
Morning sunlight pierces my eyes again and I take a glance at my phone. 8:47. Dr. Hudson said she would have Hope's reports and discharge papers sorted this morning. So I dart to the exit of Hope's room and all but grab a nurse strutting down the hallway.
"Where's Dr. Hudson?"
"She's in her office," he replies.
I growl a little, letting him go. I glance back at Hope who's still sleeping like a baby.
I contemplate ordering someone to bring Dr. Hudson up here but there must be a lot of paperwork involved in Hope's discharge. And even though I don't want to leave her alone, I find myself darting down to the doctor's office.
"Mr. Sullivan?" she says, expectation prevalent in her voice.
"Do you have the reports?"
She stands up, letting the folder in her hands slide on the desk.
"I wouldn't dare to say no."
There's mischief in her voice, signifying that there can't be anything serious in it.
"There's nothing to worry about. The swelling in her brain is almost non-existent. Any damage that it did would've been obvious by now. Her gunshot wounds have healed well."
"So can I take her home?"
"You sure can," she says.
Her face forms a smile as she pulls a folder out of a pile behind her and hands it to me. And for the first time, I don't have the urge to strangle this woman.
"Once you're done, give it to the front desk."
"Thank you, Dr. Hudson. For... saving her life."
I don't bother to wait for her reaction. I dart straight to the front desk. A stand of pens sits in the right corner and I grab one out of it. The forms never seem to end with all of their stupid questions. It takes me a good fifteen minutes to fill everything out and slam it on the front desk. After which, I run back to her room.
She's awake now. And already sitting up by herself.
"Where were you?" she asks.
I catch my breath a little before walking to the chair that has been my bed for too many nights. I brought a bag of clothes with me yesterday, hoping she would be discharged today.
"Trying to get you home," I tell her, giving her the bag.
Hope
I take the bag from him and find my clothes inside. Not wasting another moment, I fling myself out of the bed. Or atleast, I try to. A horrible pain shoots through my body as I struggle to move my legs. I can stand, but walking seems to be a long, ugly process. Jace approaches me and he swiftly lifts me up off the bed and carries me to the bathroom, forcing memories from our engagement party to rush back to me. I fight the flush of heat starting to rise on my cheeks as he puts me down and turns around.
"I'm here if you need any help", he says, standing a couple feet apart from me.
I take the clothes out of the bag before stripping the horrible gown off my body. Biting down countless shrieks of pain, I put my clothes on. Jace turns around to pick me up again but I stop him.
"The pain won't go unless I try to walk by myself."
His face darkens a little.
"Catch me before I fall, will you?" I tell him.
He nods and walks beside me with his breath still and alert. I stumble out of the bathroom and feel the pain subside with every step I take. Six weeks without mobility is bound to make my body rigid. Jace puts his arm around my waist as we approach the stairs, pulling me into him. I almost trip on the first one but his grip on me stays. I let my body lean against him a little more, just until the stairs surpass. And before I know it, I'm already walking a little more by myself. He opens the door to the car as I bend my body to get on my seat. Jace locks my door and walks around to the driver's side.
We drive home in a heavy layer of silence around us. I know there's something he needs to tell me. And I have a feeling it's not going to be pleasant. But I don't ask him anything in fear of how much I can take. Every muscle in my body still aches with a jolting pain and I feel it subsiding with every passing moment. But I focus on the road ahead. I focus on the memories of home. And swallow my pain as an image of Jonas forms in my mind.
Jace parks the car and he's over to my side of the door before I even have a chance to unlock it. He carefully helps me out of my seat and places his arms around my waist again. But I gently peel them off. I swallow hard and almost choke with how dry my mouth is, before attempting to walk by myself. Jace sighs irritatedly but I keep my eyes on the ground. I stumble a little on the first stair and Jace immediately lunges toward me. But he keeps his hands off as I balance myself, one stair at a time. I'm shamefully out of breath once we reach the living room. But the entire journey up there gives me the confidence I need to walk without support.
Jonas all but sprints and launches himself at me. Jace still keeps a hand around my back as I bend down to hug him, ignoring the ache stretching up my back. Aiden, Mateo and Luna all rush to me. Even through the pain hidden deep beneath their faces, they smile. Laugh more like, because Jonas seems to not want to let go of me. Ever. But I focus on the brightness on their faces instead of the grief that seems to lurk beyond. I'll deal with whatever comes my way soon. But right now, this, here, is all I need.
"I missed you baby."
He doesn't respond as I take in his familiar scent. His soft, blonde hair, the warmth of his tiny body. Although, in some unexplainable way, he seems to be a little bigger. He just clutches my shirt and hangs onto me like I might disappear at any moment. My poor baby. I bite back my tears as I look at everyone standing in front of me. Luna can barely keep her joy under check. Her tears flow down with such force that her smile-stretched lips quiver with it. Aiden stays beside her, beaming with happiness himself. Mateo stands beside them with a complicated look on his face. His face gleams with happiness but somehow, his eyes don't. Jace extends his arms out to Jonas to let me breathe a little but he refuses. He refuses to go to his father.
"Go," Luna says to me. "We'll be down here."
I give all of them a smile that best describes what I want to say. Halfway through the stairs, I realize I don't even know what I want to say.
Jace doesn't follow me up, although when my legs wobble a bit, I wish he did. I suppose he needs time to process everything himself as well. So I take Jonas to our bed and it takes him a whole five minutes to unclutch my shirt and look at my face.
"Good boy mommy," he says, pointing to himself.
I kiss his face enough for him to squirm just a little.
"I know you were, baby."
"Don't leave again," he breathes, tears falling from his eyes now as he sobs uncontrollably.
I take him into me this time, clutching him hard.
"I'm never leaving you again baby."
I don't even realize when he dozes off. But it seems like he hasn't been getting a lot of sleep these days. So I put him down on the bed and turn around to leave but almost jump into surprise. Jace stands at the door, waiting, observing.
"How long have you been there?" I ask him.
"Not long."
He comes and sits down beside me.
"I told him you would wake up sooner if he was a good boy."
"That explains why he wouldn't let go."
His eyes fixate on my face. I look at his hand, lingering so close to mine. I shift mine close enough to graze against the cold metal on his finger. He's still wearing his wedding band. I look up at his face again and another bit of information registers into my mind. He isn't just the father of my son anymore. He is my husband. One more thing to come to terms with.
His gaze slowly pears down from my face to my belly and the nauseating feeling I got before my wedding rises back up in my guts. I take a deep breath before asking something I might regret.
"What's wrong?"
He doesn't answer for an agonizingly long moment. I know he's still holding onto information I have no clue about. Part of me wants to keep it that way. But a bigger part of me wants to know. Needs to know.
"Jace?"
His eyes flicker back up at my face at the sound of my voice. And there's silence. Absolute, cold, dreadful silence. I try to flash back to our wedding day, feeling ready. But everything seems to blur together again. My head throbs with the effort, signifying that I should probably stop. And then, he speaks again.
"Whatever it is you're trying to do, stop." His eyes study by face, as if he can see the pain through me.
"Tell me what's wrong then."
"This baby... you were right. I'm scared. Jonas was already two years old when I saw him. He was... already there. But this child, this baby, I have a choice with it. This time, I have a choice. And even though I'm not going to make it, I'm still... scared."
"That's normal," I explain, unintentionally moving forward. "But if you had a choice with Jonas, to make him not exist, would you take it?"
"Never," he rasps, without wasting a breath.
"Okay. Use that. Because I assure you, Jace, when you pick this baby up in your arms for the first time, it's all going to be worth it. And I want that for you. Since you didn't get it with Jonas. A second chance."
He smiles a little.
"Thank you. For giving me everything I never knew I needed."
And then in another second, before I can even respond, he gets up from my bed and leaves the room.