"Have you eaten anything?"
"..."
"Eren?"
"..."
"You haven't, have you?" I shake my head in frustration. "This won't do brat. You gotta eat." I proceed to get up. "Wait here. I'll go get something for you."
His response is a protesting whimper and a tighter hold around me.
I sigh. "Then would you come downstairs with me?"
And of course, he shakes his head. I'm about to give him a piece of my mind when I hear him mumble something incoherently.
"Can't hear you like that, you know", I quietly reply in his ear.
The following hitch in his breath makes me smile. But then, it vanishes as soon as I hear his reply. Loud and clear, two simple words.
"Can't eat."
"Huh?!"
He remains silent, lips pressed together tightly. A sign of not wanting to answer. Well, I'm having none of that.
"What do you mean you can't eat?" my voice is probably louder than usual, if his resulting flinch is anything to go by. "Eren", I call his name, lowering my voice to a softer tone, and wait.
At first, he simple stays quiet, perhaps thinking I have more to say. But when I don't speak for a long while, he finally looks up, those bright aquamarine eyes staring at me with curiosity and pure innocence.
"Tell me?" I whisper.
He looks down, and for a moment I'm thinking "Okay... he's probably not gonna tell me like this", and trying to think of other ways. But then, he starts speaking.
"It comes back up, whatever I eat", he sighs. "Mikasa tried to make me eat breakfast in the morning, but I threw up everything as soon as I ate."
"So you skipped lunch, because you're afraid you'll throw up again?"
He nods. "That, and also because I don't feel like eating."
I watch him with sad eyes. It's not like I don't get what he means. In fact, I totally understand it. When I lost Petra, I had to suffer from the same situation. I lost my appetite. Sleep became a rare thing. Days after days would pass with me sitting in front of her picture. I was losing weight so fast that people around me got anxious. It was as if I'd lost the will to live. They told me to grab a hold of myself, to move on. Like that's a walk in the park!
What got me out of my slump was the realization of what my irresponsible lifestyle was doing to Izzy. I still remember that day. She got sick. Her fever just wouldn't go down. It got so bad that I had to call in the doctor. When he saw her state, his first words were – "Are you trying to kill her?" It makes me cringe to remember how much of a sorry state she must have been in for him to say something so harsh. Her clothes were barely clean. She was malnourished. An on top of that, I'd been giving her baths using cold water. It was a miracle that she'd survived so long.
That was my wake up call. I realized I was not just responsible for myself anymore, the life that I'd brought in this world – she was my responsibility too. I hated myself for what I did, for what I put her through. What I was doing to her was no better than what my father had done to me. And that's something I absolutely couldn't allow – becoming like my father.
So I promised myself. I promised that I would stop wallowing in sadness. That I would stop being a pathetic shit and get my sorry ass off the floor. I would become a better father, a better human being. I promised to get myself out of the mess I'd turned my life into and live! For myself, for my daughter... and for Petra.
So yeah, I understand what Eren is going through. And I also know that no matter how many times I tell him to move on, it's no use. Until he finds his own reason to stand upright, he won't be able to get himself out of this labyrinth.
However, what I can do is help him find that reason.
"You know Eren..." and so I begin to tell him my story. The story of my pain and struggle. I tell him about my mom, whatever little I remember of her. My father, who I hate the most in this world even though I don't even know who he is. I tell him about Petra, about how I lost her, how I lost my way after that, and how I found it back. Then I tell him about Isabel. About meeting Hange and Erwin. And all the while, he listens quietly, without a word.
"Levi", he says after I'm finished. "Why are you telling me all these?"
... Huh?!
"What do you mean why?" I squint at him. Was it really that boring? "You should've told me if you wanted me to stop."
He shakes his head. "No, it's just..."
"Just what?"
He seems to contemplate for a moment, organizing the words before answering. "You... seem like a very private person. So I'm fairly certain you don't go around telling random people about your life. And what you just told me... it was very much personal. I'm sure you haven't told many people about it." He looks up, green eyes piercing through me. "So... why me?"
Why him?
Indeed. Why him?!
It's startling how accurate he is about me. Am I really that obvious? It's true that I don't like to talk about myself, especially my personal life. But I do talk about it, to Hange and Erwin. But even they only know bits and parts. I don't think I've ever shared my whole life's story with someone before.
Then how come I opened up to this boy so naturally?
Why him? Why this idiotic, angelic and stupidly beautiful teenager who looks at me like I hold the key to world's greatest mysteries?
Why Eren infatuated-with-an-old-guy-like-me Jaeger?!
"Because you're not a random person", I reply, looking into his eyes, and feel his heartbeat increase against my own. "Because you're... you."
..............................................................................
About half an hour later, after I've finally managed to feed Eren some rice and curry (he threatened not to eat if I don't feed him, that brat!) and send him home, I return to my room. Well, technically Hange's guest room since it's their house, but who cares! I'd already staked my claim on this room the last time we visited, scrubbing the whole place until every inch was cleaned to my standard, then relocating all the unwanted junks like the couch and the stereo, keeping only the bed and the desk. I even requested Moblit before leaving not to use this room for any purpose and keep it as it is.
Now what I need is a hot shower and a nice long sleep. If it was any other time, the idea of a shower would have been more than welcome to me. But now, somehow I feel reluctant. I know why I'm feeling like this. It's because I don't want the feel of Eren's body against mine to wash away. And this realization is what's making me even more restless. Because I wasn't supposed to feel this way! It was just a physical attraction – isn't that what I've been telling myself over and over? Then what's with these emotions within me?
The need to stay close.
The desire to protect.
The wish to see his smile.
Am I already too far gone?
"You look like you need to take a shit."
My head whips up, and I see a familiar figure standing in front of the door to my room. Huh, looks like I forgot to lock it.
"Mikasa."
She enters without so much as asking for permission. I raise an eyebrow at her questioningly, but she just walks over and sits next to me.
"These were your first words to me."
"Don't you have a remarkable memory!" I retort with a smirk.
She says nothing.
It's been quite a long time since my first meeting with her. Back then, when I saw her, I thought she'd be like all those other snot-nosed brats. But she was surprisingly mature for her age. I remember Izzy took a liking to her immediately. That was our only meeting before Hange dragged me to Shiganshina last time.
I take a look at her. She's grown quite a lot since that time. She used to be so tiny. And she definitely used to smile more. Well, shit happens to everyone, I guess.
"I'm sorry I didn't contact when your parents died."
It's true. I am sorry. I wanted to contact her, to help in any way I could. After all, I could never be the person I am now if not for her parents. But I knew getting myself involved with her would only antagonize the family against her. Which is why I kept my distance. That was my only way of helping. I was always ready to jump in if needed, but her uncle seemed to take good care of her. So, I remained non-existent.
"It's alright", she replies nonchalantly. "You had your own circumstances."
And we leave it at that.
"How've you been?" she asks after a while.
I shrug. "Good, I guess. Nothing too exciting."
She nods. "How's... Isabel?"
From the tone of her voice, it's evident that Isabel has become a sensitive topic for them, I sigh. Who would've thought things would become so complicated!
"She's doing fine. Gonna start high school next year", I smile. "In fact, I was just telling Eren about her–"
The bewildered look in her eyes stops me midsentence.
"You talked to Eren... about Isabel?!" she sounds furious.
"Yeah. Why?"
All I get in response in her harsh breathing, as if she's trying very hard not to burst in anger.
"Mikasa?"
"You– How insensitive can you be?! You know how Eren feels about you! You should know that given the situation, talking about her would upset him!" she struggles to keep her voice low. "How could you do this to him?!"
"Mikasa."
"No, Levi. This is– and to think I fought with Uncle Kenny for... for nothing!"
I look at her with concern. "What? What happened?"
"Nothing of importance right now", she mumbles. "I gotta go. I gotta talk to Eren." She gets up, ready to leave. Then turns around. "I can't believe you did this Levi!"
"Mikasa", I call her name in a calm voice. "Would you at least care to listen what I have to say?"
"What's there to listen?" she bites back, but there's hesitation in her voice. I pat the bed next to me, asking her to sit down. She gives me a wary look, but follows silently.
"I never intended to hurt Eren since the very beginning. You have to believe me on that", I start. "Whatever happened last time was because of a misunderstanding on both our part, and I don't think anyone is to be blamed for that."
Except Hange, that fucking idiot!
Mikasa stays silent. So I continue.
"I was supposed to never come back here. I thought, that way it would be easier for Eren to forget about me. But..." I sigh. "I'm not as strong-willed as you think, Mikasa. When Eren called me last night–"
"He did what?!"
Ah! Looks like she didn't know. "He called me last night for the first time. I think Hange gave him my number. Anyway, the point is that I wasn't supposed to be here, but here I am. In a place where I have absolutely no reason to be – you know why. What does that tell you about me?"
She sits quietly, fiddling with the hem of her scarf. Then – "It tells me you care about him... maybe more than you think you should."
"Yeah?" I smile bitterly. "As for me, it just tells me I'm an idiotic and pathetic fool."
Her reply is a look of understanding and concern.
"I know you're worried about him", I tell her. "But I'm not so insensitive that I'd try to upset him when he's already going through a hard time."
"Then why did you?"
"I didn't, Mikasa", I look at her seriously. "I just shared my own story with him. Izzy is a part of that. And even if you don't believe me, let me tell you this. What I told him – it was to help him deal with the current situation. Whether it worked or not – you can see it for yourself when you go back."
I watch her closely, but she seems to have calmed down. Although her face gives away nothing. When she gets up with a long exhale after staying silent for quite a while, I'm still wondering what she could be thinking right now.
"I know he needs you", she gives me a hard look. "I don't like it. But it is how it is. And if you're serious about what you just told me, then you know what you have to do."
I look down at my clenched fist. What I have to do – I thought I knew exactly what that is. It was simple actually – keep my distance from Eren and things would solve by themselves. But now, I don't know anymore. Now that my own weakness has been exposed to me so blatantly, I wonder if I ever had any chance of surviving this at all.
"I have to tell him", I whisper to myself.
"Tell him what?" Oh! She's still here. I forgot. "That you've finally accepted that you've fallen for him? Then what? He accepts you. Happily ever after! Is that what you're thinking?"
I look up at her. But she isn't finished yet.
"Can you honestly promise that you have the courage to move forward with this relationship? With a boy not so much older than your own daughter! Will she understand? Will you be able to make everyone accept him as your partner? Forget that, will you be able to accept him as your partner? What's the guarantee that you won't cast him aside once you face the difficulties?"
All I can do is sit quietly and hear. Because what she's saying is right. Every single word – even though it hurts, it's true.
"Don't ruin his life because of your half-assed conviction", she kneels in front of me. "If you ever feel you're ready to accept him, with everything that's going to go against you, then come to him. And if he's still waiting for you, I'll be the first one to congratulate both of you. But–", her tone gets cold. "–if I ever find out that you're playing him, I'll make sure you regret it."
She's nearly reached the door when I speak up.
"Why would you go so far for him?"
She turns around, and I see a smile on that otherwise expressionless face.
"Why, I wonder..."