COLE:
So I missed school the next day. And the next. I don't know what it was but seeing Jess yesterday ticked off something in me. She reminded me of my grandmother, all the memories I had with her, and I absolutely HATED it.
She was starting to mean something to me again. Every time I looked at her, I saw flashbacks of all our memories together. Something I had tried so hard to forget and push away, to not deal with that pain. The agony of it all, it was coming back. And it was too much for me to handle, especially with grandma passing away now. I couldn't deal with it.
So I pushed it away. Again.
I couldn't even get out of bed for the next 3 days, at least. On the fourth day, my mom hauled my blanket off of me and opened my curtains. Me being in the darkness for the last 3 continuous days, couldn't handle the sudden bright light and scurried into a dark corner as soon as I could.
Then she lost it.
"What's wrong with you?! I get it. You had memories with her. So did we all. But life goes on, no matter what happens. You can't just stop living your life because someone passed away!"
"What do you mean 'someone'?! She's my grandma! She's your mother! What's wrong with you?! How is this not affecting you at all?! I really can't do this right now. Just please leave."
"What?! no! Look, I'm dealing with this is my own way okay. That doesn't mean I don't love or care about her."
"But you don't, do you?! Just cause of some stupid fight you guys had before you still hate her?! You have no remorse."
"Wha- What do you mean 'fight'? How do you know about that?"
"Well you guys couldn't manage to keep your voices down I guess. And since you're clearly not leaving, I will. Bye mom, don't wait up."
While leaving, I could see the disappointed look on her face from my periphery. But I really didn't care at this point. I mean, she clearly didn't, so why should I?
So I left. Not really knowing where I'm going, but I left.
And of course, I ended up by the lake again. I sat by the shore. Back to reminiscing through the past, I guess, heh. So I stayed there, in the silence, alone with my thoughts...
Then I heard a branch snap. "Hey there monkey, not trynna hang out in trees these days? No flying from vines?"
"Ha ha ha. I was 5 okay, get over it?" I tried saying with a straight face, even though I was pretty damn embarrassed. Not memories I particularly enjoy thinking about like gosh could I have been a more cringy child? ughhh!
And then she sat with me? Man they say it right, girls really are complicated. One day she's pulling me around school and the next she's sitting with me, trying to comfort me? I don't know.
When I come to think of it, I hardly ever know what I'm doing or feeling or thinking or anything around her. Ugh and people say guys are complicated?