Seattle, WA
March 12, 1994
When I got the call that Kurt was flying home from Rome, I immediately got into my car with a duffel bag full of whatever I might need for the next few days and sped up to Seattle from LA. Thomas sent me off with a kiss goodbye, wishing me luck. He was too good to me.
When I arrived at the Cobain residence, their nanny opened the door with Frances in his arms. "Hey, Erin, right?" he asked, and I nodded. "Yup, that's me."
"I'm Cali," he stuck his hand out to shake mine, "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise," I replied, my eyes drawn to Frances' identical blue eyes to her father's.
"And this," Cali smiled, taking Frances' little hand between his fingers, "is the Bean Machine."
"Nice to meet you, Bean!" my voice reached an inhumanly high pitch, leading me to lowkey scare myself. Who was I? Since when did I talk to babies? And like them?
Cali welcomed me in, and got me some water while I looked around the place. It was an investment, I could tell you that much. The house was huge- four beds and four baths accompanied with an open floor plan with elaborate architecture. So this was what being a millionaire rock star was like. I couldn't help but feel jealous.
I joined Cali in the living room, and he let me sit next to Frances. She was just precious.
"I don't mean to pry," Cali said, "but why are you here? I know you and Kurt have history, but like... who are you?"
"It's all good," I laughed before proceeding to vomit out my life story.
"I toured with Kurt back in 1989, and we got involved but then I was unsure about what I wanted so he dropped us off the tour. A few years later around '91ish I got a call from Danny Goldberg asking us to tour with Nirvana again, so of course I agreed and we began touring with a new band name. So then Kurt met Courtney and that's when all of the heroin abuse started, and he got me to try it but I had a hallucination that caused me to attempt suicide. I'm alright, though. Anyway, then I got involved in this nasty ass love triangle with Kurt and my best friend at the time, Greg, the drummer of our band. Kurt and I became official and things were okay for a while until I found out I was pregnant with his kid. As soon as I told him, I had a miscarriage and confided in Greg and then Kurt stormed out, ending our relationship and winding up married to Courtney and having Frances nine months later. So yeah, that's about it. Any questions?"
Cali's jaw was on the floor. "Goddamn, woman, no wonder why you're here. You've gone through so much with him. The Rome OD must have hit you hard."
"Yeah," I agreed, watching Frances play with some blocks on the floor next to me. I helped her build the tower a little bit, and then she proceeded to knock it over, hysterically laughing.
Right at that moment, the front door flung open, Courtney marching into the living room with her sunglasses still on. She slowly lifted them onto her forehead, her face immediately looking disgusted at the sight of her daughter playing with her husband's ex girlfriend. I wanted to disappear.
"Nice to see you, Murbitch," Courtney spat, walking over and crouching down to meet her daughter, who was so innocently oblivious to her surroundings, playing with the blocks at her feet.
Courtney picked Frances up, swinging her legs up in the air, making Frances squeal, but immediately started crying. "Hi, Baby," Courtney cooed, "Mommy loves you. Mwah-mwah-mwah. Who's your mommy? Me."
I glanced over at Cali, who shrugged and took a sip of his tea. Our opinions on her were at least somewhat mutual. Although I had heard that Cali was one of the Cobains' most loyal friends. "Kurt!" Courtney snapped me out of my thoughts, "Come say hello to your fucking daughter! She probably won't recognize you though."
I heard shuffling at the front door, and the rolling of wheels on the floor, and I looked up to see Kurt with a suitcase, taking his shoes off. He gained eye contact with me, freezing up. I stood up, and walked over to meet Kurt where he was at, literally and metaphorically speaking, and he pulled me into the tightest hug I had ever had. My face smushed into his shoulder, and I inhaled his scent of Camel Light cigarettes, mint, and coffee, and I nearly cried. Kurt's arms locked me in a firm embrace, so I couldn't move despite the numerous throat-clearings Courtney made. Nothing was stopping him.
"I missed you. I'm never letting you go again," Kurt whispered, and that finally brought the long-awaited tears to my eyes. We stayed there for at least two more minutes in the same position, until I whispered back to him, "Kurt, I know you just said you'd never let go of me again, but you've got to at some point."
He finally released me, his hand holding mine, until Courtney came over to us and tugged him by the wrist to where Frances was playing.
"Hey, Bean!" He greeted his daughter, and I saw his father light switch on. Kurt was an absolute natural. He adored her.
"Dada!" Frances exclaimed, toddling over into Kurt's arms, and he hugged her, shedding a few tears himself as he looked up at me. "See, Court?" he said, his eyes never losing contact with me, "She recognizes me. She knows I'm her dad."
"Yeah, whatever," she scoffed. "I'll be out until Tuesday night."
"But you just got here--" Cali began, but Courtney cut him off.
"Yeah, and? I have a life. Just because Kurt's almost stopped doesn't mean mine has to." Damn. That was way too soon. "And Murbitch," she continued, my head snapping up in attention, "I'm trusting you. Do not fuck with me. I have a whole army."
I nodded, gulping loudly, and she whisked around and left without another word. As soon as the door closed, I caught my breath again. She really knew how to control a room.
"So," Kurt shyly fidgeted with the ring on his finger, "want to catch up or something?"
***
A few hours later, Kurt and I were sitting on the living room couch together while Cali put Frances to sleep. Kurt's arm was around my waist and my head was leaning on his shoulder. We didn't speak; we were just enjoying each other's company at this point. Until Kurt decided to open his mouth and send my soul flying into the galaxy.
"Marry me."
I audibly gasped and pulled away from him so now we were on opposite sides of the couch. This was not happening. This could not be happening. "Are you serious, Kurt? You do recall that I saw your wife and child mere hours ago?"
"Yeah, and?"
"You have a family! You can't frivolously propose to people! Especially me!" I exclaimed. Kurt grasped his chin, and I could hear his slight beard rubbing against his fingers.
"Then at least come live with me."
I shook my head immediately, in complete disbelief of the conversation that was happening. "No way. Even if you were to live apart from Courtney, which seems impossible at the moment--"
"Not really, it's in the future, I think. I'm going to ask Courtney for a divorce, I'll get custody of Frances because now I'm the sober one out of the two of us, and then--"
"Then we can raise Frances together and live happily ever after? Trust me, Kurt, I wish we could do that just as much as you do, but this is impossible." Kurt stood up from the couch, his arms crossed.
"You're impossible," he retorted, and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm realistic. I love you, Kurt, I always will, but I'm with Thomas now. And you're with Courtney."
"Break up with him, then," he told me, and I let out a laugh.
"Are you actually being serious with me right now? You're asking me to sacrifice the man that's made me truly feel like a person just so we could live in your Rock and Roll Couple Fantasy 2.0? Absolutely not."
"Why won't you let me be with you?"
"Why won't you stop trying to change things that you can't control, Kurt?"
"Fuck you, Erin!"
"Fuck you!"
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING FROM HERE ON OUT
Kurt took about two seconds of deep thought before taking the few strides needed to close the space between us, and I felt my entire body burning as he grabbed me by the waist and kissed me with such extreme force that I thought my lips would fall off. It was like I completely forgot about Thomas. I'd figure out how to deal with that later. I instantly reached up to put my hands in his hair, pulling and simultaneously combing my fingers through it. He let out a throaty moan and reached down to grab my ass.
He abruptly stopped, tugging me by the arm into one of the many bedrooms, closing and locking the door in seconds before reattaching to me. He shoved his tongue into my mouth, and our tongues slid against each other and I felt adrenaline pulsating in my chest. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him as he swiveled around and stumbled towards the wall, roughly pushing me up against it and letting me down, gaining proper footing whilst still kissing me roughly.
He broke the kiss for a second to pull his shirt off and I took that open window to remove my shirt as well. He took in the sight of my body, the body I had stared at in the mirror with disgust for years, with a look of longing and awe. He immediately reached for me again, and as we kissed, I felt myself holding in a few moans of my own.
"Let it out, baby, that's so fucking hot," Kurt told me between kisses, and I obliged, moaning loudly as his lips attached to my neck, moving down to my collarbone and shoulders. He maintained eye contact with me as he removed my bra. He continued kissing down my body until he reached my jeans, swiftly unbuttoning them and pulling them down my legs.
He then removed my underwear, throwing them to the side before taking me in his mouth and grabbing my hips with his hands. I grabbed a hold of his hair once again, inhaling sharply as I felt my nervous system going into shock, Kurt's tongue doing things that I never thought possible. He came back up to my level a few minutes later, regaining contact with my lips as he guided me to the bed. I made haste in laying down and watched as he removed his jeans and climbed on top of me, grinding into me.
"Fuck, Kurt, please," I begged, and that only made him moan, attaching his lips to mine again. We made out for a few more minutes after that, absorbing each other like osmosis, grasping onto each other for dear life.
I reached down to touch Kurt, and he stopped me. "Are you sure? Because if I start, I won't be able to stop."
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life," I replied, and Kurt began to kiss down my body. As he pushed himself into me, I felt whole again. I lost myself, but Kurt found me. And he wasn't kidding when he said he'd never let me go again.
A/N SHALOM FELLAS! what do y'all think??? so much tea muahahahahahahahah. but anyway, 2 chapters in 1 night, maybe 3, we'll see. love y'all!