Nothing could've prepared me for that day.
When we returned to the highway, Sophia was still missing. I collapsed to the ground, physically exhausted, and mentally trying to hold everything back.
I wanted so badly to just run back to the woods and search until my legs gave out, but they already had.
I hid in the RV like a coward and cried while Rick, Shane, Daryl, and Glenn all went to search for Sophia.
Like a coward, I hid. I didn't want anyone to see my pain. I didn't want them to see me as weak for crying.
I exited the RV after a while after I felt like you couldn't tell I'd been crying. I waited for my brothers' return far away from Carol. She'd trusted me with her daughters' safety so many times, and I hadn't failed her until that day. I was so ashamed.
No one knew what happened to me. Daryl and I never said anything, and the guys all set out to find Sophia as soon as we realized she never came back.
I sat on the asphalt, my knees to my chest as I waited. The position was painful, but I felt like I deserved it. It was punishment for being so . . . useless.
When Rick and Daryl returned without Sophia, Carol broke down, and when they explained why they couldn't search any longer, she got upset.
She turned to Rick and me. "How could you just leave her there in the first place?" Her words were aimed at both of us, and then her attention was aimed at me. "You promised." She whimpered.
Like a dagger to the heart, I couldn't even say anything. I couldn't even look at her. I stared down at the ground, my nails digging into my palms painfully, not stopping when the skin broke.
The fact that she knew, the fact that Sophia told her . . . it made it hurt all the more.
I didn't sleep at all. I sat on top of the RV, waiting, hoping, praying that she'd emerge from the woods. When it didn't happen I was angry.
"Y'should get some sleep." I hadn't even noticed when my brother climbed onto the roof. I kept my eyes on the tree line. I shook my head, declining his offer.
"Should at least try."
"I promised." My voice broke. All I could think about was if she was okay, or if she was even alive. I never saw the walker that was across the creek when I woke up, I never saw the body. That was what scared me the most.
"Can't save everybody," Daryl murmured.
"No," I shook my head. "But I could've saved her."
The next day, Daryl couldn't have stopped me from going on the search even if he tried, and he knew that. He also knew that I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, so he stayed by my side the whole time.
Nobody had even attempted to talk to me. I could only assume that it was because I lost her. They all looked at me with pitiful eyes, and I hated it.
When Carl had announced that he wanted to look too, I silently begged for them to tell him, no, but they didn't. I promised him too. Was that another promise that I would break?
So as we trudged through the woods, I never left Carl's side, and Daryl never left mine.
If I wasn't so upset about Sophia, I would've joked about Carl's new bodyguards.
The longer we searched, the more nothing we found—it made me feel like even more shit. I couldn't help but check over everything three times before moving on. I felt so stupid. I should've had the walkers chase me until Rick came back, I should've kept a close eye on Sophia.
"What's that?" Carl questioned. As we got closer, we saw a brightly colored tent.
Hope began to swell in my body, even if Sophia wasn't in there, maybe somebody who saw her was.
Rick and Daryl stepped forward, telling the rest of us to stay back. They called out to Sophia before having Carol call out to her.
"Ellie?" Rick asked, but I couldn't. I swallowed deeply. Carol was enough, and if Sophia hadn't come out yet, then she wasn't in the tent.
Daryl opened the zipper, and a foul stench filled our noses. I held my breath, refusing to let it get to me, but then I felt a tickle in my throat.
I tried to hold it back, but the cough ripped through me like a tidal wave. It shook my lungs and made my ribs ache horribly.
When it stopped I looked up to see a few worried eyes on me, but I cleared my throat, rubbed my sore ribs, and waited for my brother to emerge from the tent.
When he did, I didn't pay much attention to the conversation as the itch had come back. Worried, I tried clearing my throat, even stepping away for a moment to try and figure out what was wrong with me.
"Ellie, you—" before my brother could finish, a bell rang out. All of our heads turned in the direction. My breath momentarily got caught in my throat before I began to sprint off into the direction of the bell.
It could be Sophia.
"Ellie, wait!" I ignored their calls as I brought out my inner track star.
It felt like all my long-distance and sprinting training had all happened for this moment. It had to be Sophia, it had to be.
When we approached a graveyard, I didn't slow down. My eyes scanned the area for a steeple but I didn't find one, and the bells had stopped.
"Ellie!" Someone screamed. This time I listened, but not because they screamed at me, because I knew . . . Sophia wasn't here.
"Fuck." I choked as my hands flew to my knees. My breathing became labored as I greedily sucked air in, the itch coming back tenfold.
A hand made its way to my back soothingly, but I swatted it away. I didn't want to let my emotions out of my grasp, I didn't want to lose control of myself.
More coughs wracked through my body as I tried desperately to breathe, but my body wouldn't allow it.
"Is she okay?" I heard a small, worried voice ask. I hadn't even realized that the group had surrounded me, staring me down with terrified eyes.
Once I finally sobered up, I angrily pushed past them, heading straight for the church. Even though I knew she wasn't here, I had to try.
"Christ—Ellie, stop!" My brother shouted as he jogged around. "You can barely breathe just sit the fuck down for a second, will ya?" The group was standing awkwardly behind us, but I didn't let the determination from my eyes fade.
"We'll check it out, you stay out here."
He didn't leave room for argument as he, Rick, and Shane all stormed the church.
I sat outside under a tree with Lori and Carl standing by me, neither of them allowing me to move.
Carl and I looked around just in case we could see Sophia running away, or even running toward the bell.
I kept expecting to see her strawberry blonde hair hiding in the leaves, but all I saw was a sea of green.
The way the trees would sway in the wind mockingly, moving around, showing me she really wasn't there was driving me insane.
There was a pause where only the cicadas dared to speak, and then suddenly the bells began to ring again. All of our eyes snapped toward the church, and once again I was the first to take off. I came to a halt when I noticed Glenn run up to a little box on the wall, and yank something out of it. The ringing stopped, and my heart once again dropped.
"A timer. It's on a timer." Daryl panted.
"I'm gonna go back in for a bit." Carol's lip trembled before making her way over to the church's steps.
My eyes stayed glued to the ground, not daring to look Carol's way. With shaky steps, I made my way back to the tree. Every few seconds I was clearing my throat, trying to get the annoying itch to go away. My hand rubbed my throat, trying to feel my lymph nodes.
"Ellie," My eyes briefly met my brother as he walked up beside me. "Y'alright?"
All I could do was nod my head. I was scared that if I opened my mouth I would release another coughing fit. My throat was already getting a bit raw from the last two.
Daryl shook his head. I could practically smell the disappointment wafting off of him, I just wasn't sure if it was because of me or the situation. I figured it was both.
"Stop takin' off like that." He scolded "C'mere." He scolded, grabbing ahold of my arm and tugging me back to the tree where Lori and Carl were. He sat me down, sending me a glare, but it was more of an order to stay put.
Through the layers of skin, I could still feel how swollen my lymph nodes were. I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows as I began to think. I couldn't let anyone know that I was sick yet, Daryl would make me stay in Dale's camper for the rest of eternity. Especially because I knew where the sudden sickness came from. I'd inhaled a lot of water thanks to that walker, but I couldn't leave the search yet. Not when it was my fault that we were here in the first place.
After a bit the others gathered around the tree, followed by Rick and Shane. I half-heartedly listened until Carl was suddenly volunteering to join Shane and Rick on their team. I stood up, my inner self screaming at my throat to stop itching.
"I'll go too."
Shane and Rick's eyes immediately flew to my brothers.
"No." He glared. "Yer havin' a near-death experience damn near every day. Ya ain't goin'."
I shook my head. "They're not goin' far. Besides, it wouldn't be ideal to have two trackers on one team."
"Shane can track." I could tell it pained him to say it, mainly because Shane couldn't track for shit.
A scoff left me. "Yeah, right, and I can shit rainbows."
"Hey!"
"No offense, Shane, but I've seen you miss dear tracks that were practically smackin' you in the ass." The man thought about it before shrugging, not even attempting to argue. "I have to help," I spoke in a softer tone, trying desperately to speak only to my brother despite the prying eyes.
Daryl grunted angrily, his eyes wandered around for a bit before finally settling on mine. "Y'got everythin'?" I nodded my head frantically. His eyes turned toward Rick and Shane. "Anything happens to her, I'm killin' both of ya."
And with that, the group said their goodbyes, and they were on their separate ways.
As we made our way through the thick wood, it was hard not to notice the way I would constantly clear my throat. Every now and then I could feel their eyes burning threw my skull as I kept my eyes on the ground in search of tracks. I kept hoping and praying that I'd see some kind of sign, maybe even just the slightest nudge in the right direction. Sophia had to be somewhere, and I hoped that she hadn't gone too far.
I ignored the occasional conversation unless Carl asked me a question. Even then, my mind was going at a hundred miles per hour, the itch in my throat was stronger than before, and I just wanted to breathe for two seconds without feeling like a spider was tickling my throat.
I was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second, and I think they could see that, because as soon as I cleared my throat one more time, Rick and Shane both stopped in their tracks.
"Ellie, are you sure you don't wanna go back?" Rick asked, his piece aimed at the ground with one hand, and the other hand resting on his hip. He was unsure if this was the right call, and in all honesty, so was I.
"Just say the word and I'll take you back." Shane, for once, wasn't looking at me with any malice. He looked genuinely concerned for my well-being, but I couldn't stop.
"No, I'm fine, we gotta keep moving." I brushed them off, turning around to keep going in hopes of finding Sophia so that she wouldn't have to spend one more night alone.
"Ellie, you're—"
"—Rick. I am fine." I didn't even turn around, I spoke from where I stood, my fists clenching as I tried not to over exaggerate.
"But you—" This time it was the sight and sound of a deer stepping on a branch that shut him. I held up my hand, crouching as I inched forward only a tad, allowing Carl to scooch up to be a little behind me.
The deer walked out from the trees and into the small clearing in front of us. It was a beautiful sight. One that we were lucky to experience. It shivered, shakes running through its entire body, the sound of it's furry skin slapping against itself was confirmation that we were in fact not dreaming.
I began to inch closer, hoping it'd let us. I turned to see Carl hesitating. He was in awe, but he also looked a bit scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of the beauty of the unknown. My right hand extended toward him, my bruised knuckles whining in protest at the stretch of my fingers. The boy cautiously took it, but as I gave him a reassuring nod, he seemed more ready to approach nature in all its glory.
We both sneaked closer, keeping our breathing as steady as we could, afraid to scare it off. Even though we were in the middle of the woods, the paranoia continued to bang violently on the door of my mind. It peaked through the windows of my soul and refused to leave like a devoted Mormon trying to spread the word of god despite me pretending like I wasn't home.
I kept Carl at a safe distance, terrified that a walker would jump out at any moment and claim the life of yet another innocent human being that I swore to protect.
Carl stepped on a small branch, the soft snap causing the dear to look right at us. We both stopped, waiting to see what it's next move would be. The woods was the dear's domain, we were just wandering around in it looking for our friend. It's ears flicked around, watching cautiously as we continued taking slow steps toward it. I licked my lips, hoping that she wouldn't get scared and run off.
Despite the paranoia, despite my aching ribs, despite my aching body, the moment of peace seemed to make time stand still. The cicadas sang off in the distance, it's constant sound making me feel as if I were in a trance. The deer seemingly stared right into my eyes, and it's ears disappeared behind it's head. I couldn't help but smile at how goofy it looked, until I remembered that deer move their ears to detect predators. My eyebrows furrowed as I stopped moving, and stuck my hand out for Carl to do the same. I wondered if the deer was doing so because of us, or if there was something else near.
Suddenly, the ears returned to the way they once were. Full, and at attention.
Third Person POV
All three males watched in horror as Ellie's limp body fell to the ground. Her hand that was once squeezing Carl's in anxious worry, was now laid against the Forrest floor.
"No!" Rick yelled, making a beeline for Ellie as Shane ran forward to see where she had been shot. Carl began to cry, the shock of her being there one second, and on the floor the next was overwhelming for a child of his age. He had just lost one best friend, and he felt as if he had just lost another. He didn't know how getting shot worked, he just knew that people could die from them, and at the moment... Ellie looked pretty dead.
A hefty man came running over with a rifle in hand and wide eyed as he stared down at the young girl bleeding out on the ground.
"Oh, man, I—" The man didn't even get to finish before Shane was in his face. The collar of his shirt was grasped tightly in Shane's hands as he started spitting threats in his face.
"Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait!" The man screamed, "I know someone who can help, just get her up and I can take you to him!"
Rick didn't have to be told twice. He wasn't stupid. He knew the if she had allowed Carl to be in front of her, his son would be the one on the ground right now. Shane shoved Rick aside. He had more muscle than Rick, and he knew that he could carry this girl a long distance with ease.
"Where is it?!" Shane screamed, and the man pointed as he began to run. Shane followed, soon passing him. The man gave directions as there were a few turns in the woods. Time was very much not on their side as their feet pounded against the dirt.
Rick stayed beside the large man, not allowing him to flake as well as carrying Carl on his back. It was the only way he knew how to make both Carl and the man keep up.
Once the broke through the tree line, Shane shouted for more directions, only to be told that it was a straight shot. Considering he no longer needed further direction, he took off as fast as he could, doing his best to ignore the burn in his calves as he ran.
He may have strongly disliked the Dixon's, but even he wasn't cruel enough to let a 17-year-old child die, let alone a 17-year-old child that saved his life. It was sickening the way her limbs flailed, no life being detected in the lively girls body anywhere.
As soon as the farmhouse came into view, he began to scream like a banshee. His words carried throughout the farm, the word, "Help!" Being the most prominent one.
The family inside the home heard his calls, and immediately rushed outside to see what the commotion was. As soon as they saw the man carrying the young girl who was dripping with blood, they all sprang into action.
As Shane ran up, every muscle in his body was screaming, begging to stop, begging for rest, but he couldn't. Not until he knew that his job here was done.
"Was she bit?" An old man called from the porch.
"She-She was shot. You gotta—She was shot by your man, you-you gotta help her." Shane was desperately trying to unscramble his thoughts, trying to separate his anger from priority. Ellie was shot, and she needed help.
"Otis?" A woman asked incredulously.
"He-He told me to find Hershel." Shane panted, doing his best not to drop Ellie in the dirt.
"That's me," The man confirmed as Shane neared, "Get her inside." He shouted firmly before walking into the house, rolling up his sleeves on his very white button-up.
Shane was relieved when the man began to speak of medical supplies and the way he ordered the family around. They knew what they were doing, which meant that Ellie had a somewhat of a chance. He followed Hershel through the house until he turned into a room that seemed to be some sort of spare room. Hershel shoved the blankets aside and quickly moved for Shane to set her down in the bed.
"Pillowcase." Hershel demanded, and Shane was quick to comply. "Fold it, make a pad." Hershel lifted the girls shirt, only to be met with horrible bruising. The old man looked at Shane, only to see visible shock written all over his face.
"Oh my..." The room was in shock for a moment until Hershel instructed Shane to put pressure on the wound. Luckily, it was on her abdomen, but the bruising on her ribs that seemed to reach around her ribs raised a bunch of red flags with the family.
Hershel placed his stethoscope on her chest and the room was dead silent.
"I've got a heartbeat. It's faint." Truth be told Hershel was surprised. Everyone was. The damage to this girls body was enough to send her into shock, but she was still hanging on strong.
"I got it now," A small blonde woman pushed between Hershel and Shane. He nodded his head and stepped back.
Seeing her ribs made him think of that night at the CDC when he had reflexively shoved her into one of the arcade game. She had collapsed to the floor, shouting curses at him as he walked out. Guilt began to swallow him whole. He already felt bad enough about Lori, and there was no way to every make that right. He knew that. But seeing Ellie like this, and knowing that he was a part of that bruising made him feel like the shittiest person on earth.
"Your name?"
Shane's head snapped toward the old man. "Shane."
"Shane, we're gonna do everything we can, but you're gonna have to give us some room."
He nodded, stepping back and far away from the bed. He turned to see Rick, Carl, and the prick that shot Ellie trudging their way toward the house. Carl was jogging beside them as Rick was dragging the big asshole toward the house. Anger began to boil again as he marched out of the house and toward Rick.
"Is-Is she alright?"
"Is she okay?"
"She's alive? She's still alive?"
Shane wanted so badly to punch this guy in the face and have a repeat of that day with Ed, but he knew that it would solve nothing, and create more problems.
"She's got a heartbeat, that's about all I know." He rubbed his face, then his neck, the stress beginning to mesh with the guilt to form a feeling that could only be described as unpleasant.
They dragged Otis to the house, and forced Carl to stay outside on the porch. It wasn't hard to see into the room they were operating on Ellie in, and they didn't want Carl to see any of it.
Shane just happened to look down, and when he did all he saw was blood. He swallowed harshly, the irony of it was sickening. Her blood was on his hands. He knew he should've just shot the deer when he had the chance, he knew it.
"One of us is gonna have to go get Daryl, he's-" Rick choked on his words. Ellie had done nothing but believe in him, even when he didn't. She was the reason they didn't starve that night at The Vatos' place. She was the reason they had more clothes instead of just the ones on their backs.
"I know, I know." Shane nodded, unsure of how he was going to break it to Daryl Dixon that his sister had been shot on their watch. It definitely wasn't going to go over well.
Rick took a step forward, pushing past Shane to get inside. The two men stepped inside, and the larger one took it upon himself to stay with Carl.
As they entered the room, Rick was shocked by the bruising on her ribs. His shock was the reaction that the doc was silently hoping for. Neither of the men seemed to have known about the bruising.
"Do either of you know her blood type?" Hershel asked as he pressed a pad against her wound, checking it every so often.
Both men paused, desperately wracking their brain, but they both came up short.
"She's a part of our group, but her brother he—he might know." Rick said confidently, but Shane didn't have as much confidence.
The man sighed, "Then one of you needs to leave now. She needs blood, and at this rate she'll bleed out before I can remove anything."
Shane turned toward Rick, nodding. "I'll go."
"Maggie!"