AN: Hey guys! Thanks for all the comments and music recommendations. My playlist is about 10 songs longer now.
TW: The usual abuse mentions, Alcoholism. This one's pretty Carol centric.
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Every fucking good thing always has to be overshadowed by another shitty thing, Toni thought to herself as she tried to swallow down the fear building up inside of her. Carol was trashed, that much was obvious. It didn't seem like she was high though. Whether or not that would work in Toni's favour was a different question.
"Sorry Carol. I was out with Shelby working on this assignment, It's due in two weeks," Toni said, trying desperately to keep her voice steady.
Carol tried to stand up from her spot on the couch but toppled right back over into the position she was in before. She straightened up slightly. "Just..." She waved vaguely at the cigarettes and the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the coffee table. Toni leapt into action and passed them to Carol who took a large swig of out of the bottle and slurred, "You're a liar Toni. It's okay though... I know liars, I- you and me-" She burped lightly and pointed at Toni with her cigarette, "-we are cut from the same cloth kid."
"I am nothing like you," Toni muttered under her breath without thinking. Her eyes shot to Carol's looking for any indication that she had heard her comment, but couldn't find any. A shiver of relief ran through her. It wasn't as though Carol was in any sort of position to do anything to her or even remember this tomorrow morning, but the panic still overtook her body, almost as if on autopilot. Once the fear died down slightly, anger rose to the surface. Like it always did. But this time, there was a layer of doubt underneath, a voice telling her that maybe what Carol was saying held some weight.
Toni gaze flitted around the room, standing awkwardly as Carol alternated between the cigarette in her right hand and the whisky in her left. She took a few hesitant steps towards her room before Carol noticed her again. "Hey! Where do you think your going?"
Toni froze. She wasn't paralysed with fear the way she normally would be if Carol was just high and capable of standing up, but she was still walking on eggshells. "Um... I was just going to my room?" she stuttered.
"My room," Carol replied, an air of threat in her tone.
"Of course. Yeah, your room sorry."
"You forget that I fucking own this house. This is not your house, I am not your mother and none-" She gestured at the house, whisky sloshing around in the bottle at the motion. "-of this is yours. Nothing is."
Even though she didn't want any of it, Carol's words served as a bitter reminder that she really was alone in this. In life. She could fit every one of her possessions in a bin bag with room to spare. She had no money, no family, no home and, based on all that, probably no real future. She told herself that she had Martha, her friends; and it kept her afloat but the truth was becoming increasing blatant and hard to ignore. The truth that she didn't really matter.
I don't matter.
"Yeah, I know," Toni agreed.
I don't fucking matter.
Carol patted the spot next to her on the sofa, her eyes closed. "Come here I wanna talk to you." The words tumbled out of her mouth with hardly any break between them. Once Toni worked out what she said, she begrudgingly made her way over to the seating area, choosing to sit in the small armchair opposite to the couch rather than next to Carol. The intoxicated woman did not notice at all.
"I haven't had an easy life... I know you look at me- you see... I don't know. You don't know what I've been through," Carol lamented once Toni sat down.
The neglected, lit cigarette that was pinched between Carol's fingers slipped out of her grasp. Forgotten, and left to burn yet another hole in the sofa. Toni watched the dim light eventually fade and disappear, longing for Carol to just let her go and save her sob story for someone else.
What was she supposed to say to that? Toni was no stranger to hardship and was definitely familiar with losing control and lashing out... was that how it all started for Carol? A chill ran through Toni's body leaving the hairs on the back on her neck standing up. The thought that Toni was just behind Carol on the same path made her feel sick.
No. There was a difference between losing your temper at 16 and beating children in your 40s. Toni was not like that. Sure, she didn't have any real role models but she had a whole list of people she didn't want to be like which worked just as well. Carol being right near the top of the list.
Toni opened her mouth to reply but Carol cut her off, continuing her story. "My father was a cruel man. You don't know what it's like... to see your mother on the floor like that-" She blubbered, cutting off with a hiccupping cry. It was pretty clear that Carol was just drunkenly reliving old memories and not really talking to Toni at all. "I know that traumatised me. The way- way that he treated her. I loved my father. I know he was a good man just..." Abusive, Toni finished the sentence in her head.
As much as Toni hated Carol for everything she has put her through and will continue to do until she ages out of the system, Toni felt the smallest twinge of sympathy for the inebriated, snivelling women; because Toni did know what it was like to see your mother knocked around and be too young to do anything other than cry and watch from a distance. It was then, though, that Toni realised the sympathy she felt wasn't for Carol, but for herself. She had felt frustrated, angry and hurt for herself before but never sympathy, never something that left her feeling this weak.
"Toni," Carol snapped, jerking Toni back to reality. "Sorry.. Don't- you won't leave me here alone? Please stay with me."
God, this woman was such a mess. It wasn't like Toni hadn't been in this position before. She remembered it with her mom, the violent words and neglect that turned to begging and reaching for sympathy.
"Carol..."
"I know things between us... sometimes get bad. It's- I do so fucking much for you that you don't see because you are always only looking for the bad. I take care of you. I pay for your shit. I keep you on a good path. And when you don't see that I just..." Carol trailed off, her eyes closing for a moment. Honestly, Toni was relieved that she stopped where she did because that red veil of anger was starting to blur her vision; any more of that rant and she would snap. Sometimes what Carol said to her stuck, and other times, it was a load of shit. Toni had fallen into this get abused due to lack of gratitude cycle too many times with too many foster parents to believe it again.
Toni watched Carol with a tense jaw and clenched fists to see if she would carry on her spiel. But she didn't open her eyes again. She sat there waiting, afraid to move, for about 10 minutes before quietly making her way to her feet. She glanced back at the coffee table, and in a spur of the moment decision, grabbed the half empty bottle of whisky from Carol's hands and took it with her.
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Toni stayed awake for hours. Alternating between reading, studying, watching Netflix and staring blankly at the ceiling. She had put the bottle of whisky under her bed where Carol wouldn't find it. In hindsight, she didn't even know why she took it. She didn't plan on drinking it that night, or ever really. Maybe it was just a rebellion, or maybe she was thinking about all of the times her 8 year old self would take the alcohol in the house and hide it from her mother, and acted on instinct.
She had had a pretty long day of dealing with drunk people today. She couldn't help but look back on the situation with Shelby in a slightly different light after her conversation with Carol. It made it seem less special and less sincere, tarnished by the alcohol consumption earlier in the day. Toni tried to eradicate the feeling from her heart, there was no need for creating problems that don't exist.
Not yet, the little doubting voice chimed in.
She heard Carol stumbling around the house a few times in the night. Every time Carol stirred Toni tensed up praying that she wouldn't come in, that she would just leave her be for the rest of the night.
Toni took out her phone and the time read 12:10AM. It wasn't even that late but to Toni it felt like her interaction with Carol had dragged on for hours and she had been awake all night. There were a few text messages underneath. Fuck! She thought suddenly, seeing who had messaged her, I forgot to message Shelby!
Shelby: Hey I'm home, no major issues! Hope you got back alright
Then another message, three minutes later almost as though she had been rewriting or debating saying it.
Shelby: You made me feel better tonight x
Toni took a double take at the kiss at the end of the message. What did that mean? It could be nothing... People did that all the time. Whether or not it meant something to Shelby, It meant something to Toni. She couldn't stop the small smile creeping onto her face. The later messages, however, stripped that smile almost instantly.
Shelby: Not trying to be pushy or needy but I'm getting worried, text me that you're okay please
Shelby: Toni, it's been an hour what is going on!
Shelby: I'm thinking of calling the cops
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Toni breathed shakily. The last message was sent at 12. That was only ten minutes ago, she could fix this. Texting wasn't quick enough so she rang Shelby, her fingers shaking.
Shelby answered almost instantly as though she had been waiting by the phone. "Toni! I was 2 seconds away from calling the police are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'm so sorry I forgot to text," she whispered.
"I can't hear you very well what's going on?"
"I can't talk right now Shelby but I promise I'm fine. I'm really sorry for forgetting."
A thump and a groan sounded from the lounge indicating that Toni seriously needed to hang up and be quiet if she wanted to keep Carol from remembering her presence.
"I have to go, sorry, sorry," Toni whispered hurriedly through the phone, hanging up as soon as she was finished. She quickly shut off the lights and listened to Carol's movements. The telltale sound of ice clinking in a glass and liquid pouring told Toni that Carol was not planning on sobering up at all tonight. This hopefully meant that she would be too drunk tonight and too hungover tomorrow to care about her whereabouts.
Toni clicked her phone on again and sent Shelby a quick message, feeling guilty about hanging up on her.
Toni: Sorry for hanging up. Can we study tomorrow I can explain everything then but I promise I'm okay tonight
Shelby: Definitely! We can go to a cafe? Noon?
Toni was relieved that Shelby didn't recommend doing it at her house; she didn't think she could stop herself from punching Dave Goodkind in the face let alone host small talk or look him in the eye.
Toni: Cool see you tomorrow
She waited for Shelby to reply for a few minutes but her eyes were drifting shut. She eventually fell asleep with her phone still in her hand, the text conversation with Shelby still displayed on the screen.