I woke up the next day and got dressed. I went downstairs to find the rest of my brothers already in the kitchen.
Charlie was stood by the counter pouring cornflakes into two bowls. He flashed me a smile as I walked over to him.
"I made us cereal." He told me.
I scowled. "You didn't make it, you poured it into a bowl."
He shrugged. "As good as made it."
He handed me one of the bowls and took the other for himself. Before walking over to the table and I followed behind him.
Charlie sat down between Chase and Dean whilst I sat down between Tommy and Jake. Part of me felt like Charlie picked that spot on purpose.
"Hey guys." Elliott said, getting our attention. "I spoke to Dad this morning." He said.
I dropped my spoon in the bowl, instantly nervous from hearing his name. Would Elliott tell our Dad? Would he keep it a secret? Was I going to be in trouble?
"Is he okay?" Tommy asked.
Elliott nodded. "Yeah, he's fine. He said he's going to come back on Sunday."
I dug my nails into my palm.
I wanted him back, but not right now. I don't think I could even look him in the eye.
"Does that mean we're having a party Saturday night?" Tommy said, all merry.
Elliott frowned slightly and glanced in my direction and then to Dean and Chase. I felt my stomach squirm.
Did I want them to have a party?
Chase and Dean seemed to shake their heads at Elliott , but I was out of the loop with their mind conversation so I had no idea what that was about.
"Yeah." Elliott nodded. "We'll have a party Saturday night. Dad won't be back till Sunday evening so that gives us plenty of time to clear up."
Dean and Chase looked at each other and then at Elliott before their eyes finally landed on me. I felt their eyes narrow at me.
"We've been through this before, it's not a good idea." Dean said, shaking his head, his eyes going from me to Elliott and then back to me.
"Dean's right, now is not the right time." Chase said.
Tommy's jaw dropped. "Are you seriously trying to talk our brother out of letting us have a party?!"
Dean's eyes stormed with anger. "There are more important things, Tommy. Grow up."
I stared stirring my cereal around in my bowl.
"Dean's right, the last time Khloe went to a party, she was fucked." Jake said, shaking his head.
I cringed as all eyes fell on me. I glanced at Elliott, but judging by the lack of shock in his eyes he already knew this. It wasn't a new piece of information.
"At this one, there's no way in hell I'm letting you drink that much." Elliott said, looking at me sternly.
I looked down, ashamed for what had happened at Austin's party.
"There should be no way you'd let her go to another party. It's a bad idea." Chase said.
"But you've said she could go to the bonfire. Isn't that just the same?" Tommy said, surprisingly speaking in my corner (ish).
Elliott shrugged, unsure. I could tell he didn't really know what the best thing was, but he thought this was the only way forward. When they say no, it makes me want to do it more and I'd probably do it behind their backs anyway. From their perspective, this way they can keep an eye on me.
I wish I could blame this on sexism. But in all honesty if Charlie had acted the same way I had they would have treated him the same way. They're so cautious about me partying and going out because of my history. If I hadn't have done the things I have done, they'd probably let me do everything Charlie was allowed to do. But I've proved them right every time, I can't be trusted.
"I'll let it happen." Elliott said, nodding and giving me a warning look.
"You can't be serious, Elliott. She's kept so many secrets from us and lied abojt so many things. How do we know everything we've found out lately is all of it? How do we know if anything she's said this week is actually true? For all we know this could be made up for attention." Dean seethed.
My heart sunk and my eyes watered. Did my brother just accuse me of making this up?
Elliott flashed a look of concern between me and Dean. I couldn't even look at him. He was probably clenching his fists like he wanted to punch something like he always did.
"Dean, I don't think that's fair for you to say. We can all tell Khloe is telling the truth on this." Elliott said.
Dean chuckled slightly. "How many times in the past did we think she was telling the truth about something? Am I mistaken or did she tell every single one of us that she was staying at Maddie's when she was actually at some party? Or when she told Dad she's was going on holiday with Maddie's parents, when really she and Maddie had gone to the next town over, trying out their fake IDs on any bar and club that would be stupid enough to believe they were 21."
Oh shit, I forgot we did that...
"And that's not even half of it. But all of that was for attention. How do we know she's not scared that we're losing patience and this is her trying to manipulate us into cutting her some slack she doesn't deserve and letting her go to these parties, which she knows full well she can't be trusted to go to?!" Dean ranted.
I bit my lip. When someone puts it like that, it sounds believable. And I was a horrible person at my old school. This would defintely be something she'd do, but it's not something I'm doing right now.
I wish I was faking it. I wish it wasn't a mental battle every time I put a piece of food in my mouth. I wish I wouldn't just go to sleep every time I felt like I had eaten too much to get my mind off of it. I wish I wasn't scared that everytime I tried on a piece of my old clothes it wouldn't fit.
If this was a hoax I'd call it off right here, right now. I wish it was. I wish it was something I didn't have to take day by day.
I didn't say any of this. I glanced up at Dean and prevented a smile that was tempted to make its way on to my lips.
The thing was, it didn't make a difference to me whether he believed me or not. I couldn't care any less. This was something I can't put into words. It's something I don't know how to explain and I don't mind not knowing how to. I know what it is to live with it.
I don't need a rubber stamp telling me I certify the criteria.
The thing is, it's something personal and terrifying that goes on with me. It's not about anyone else. It's to do with me.
"Fuck off Dean." Charlie growled.
I glanced up at Charlie, who was ranging with anger. His jaw was clenched tightly and he was looking at Dean in a way that told me he wanted to kill him.
"No, I'm only saying what you all need to hear. We should know better than to bow down to her just because she says she's going through a tough time." He said and turned to Elliott. "You didn't see the state of her at that party. If you did, you wouldn't be suggesting she could come to this one."
Charlie rolls his eyes. "Who are you to know what actually goes on with Khloe? All of you ignored her whilst she we were at our old school. You never had a nice thing to say to her. It makes sense that something like this could happen when no one's watching out for her."
Dean glared at Charlie. "You obviously weren't as good to her as you're trying to make out. You missed something too."
"No, I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what." Charlie argued.
"Then why didn't you say anything?" Dean asked.
"Because back then all of you would have acted the same way as you, Dean. And this is the last thing that Khloe needs." Charlie said and I could feel him glance at me, but I was looking down so I didn't meet his eyes.
"This is unfair on Khloe. We shouldn't be having this conversation in front of her." Jake said and I could feel his sympathetic eyes on me.
I rolled my eyes and looked up. "So you can have it behind my back? It's fine. I can take it." I said, getting mad. They all looked at me.
"Khlo, you shouldn't have to hear this, it's not good for you." Jake said, looking at me with sympathetic expression.
"I've heard worse." I shrugged.
Charlie met my eye and wouldn't drop the eye contact.
"I don't want you to hear this either. I don't want it in your head." He said, more to me than anyone else.
I glanced round the room and I noticed Dean couldn't even look at me.
"There's probably not much room for it in there anyway." I said, trying to smile slightly, but it failed.
Charlie looked unamused and looked to Elliott, hoping he'd see reason.
"Khloe, I believe you, don't worry." Elliott said to me, causing Dean to roll his eyes. "But I do need to listen to the others on this one. I need to know how they feel and what they think before I make my
Decision."
I nodded. "I get it. I don't have the best track record when it comes to trusting what comes out my mouth. I don't really care if any of you believe me. It's not about that for me. I don't need you to validate me. I didn't even need you to know. I can sort this out on my own." I said.
"Khlo, that's not what I meant." Elliott said.
"Well it's what I mean." I said and I headed for the stairs. "Call me when we're leaving for school."
*******
Hiii !!!
So, you guys probably hate me for writing this
But I don't know about you, but those of you who are affected/witnessed/aware/understand what's going on with Khloe, you may feel a similar way to me about people when it comes to their reactions and understanding of eating disorders.
Firstly, they are bloody complicated. Secondly, they are COMPLICATED.
Thirdly, they are subjective.
So basically —- I'm sick and tired of seeing the kind of reaction that Dean has just shown towards Khloe. It's insensitive and fricking frustrating.
So I thought I'd write about it because it happens in real life.
Originally I hadn't planned for Dean to handle it this way, but it sort of happened. I guess Deans human, but he's flawed —- majorly in this aspect. If I was in this book I probably would have slapped him, I don't know about you....
Anyway .....
Love you guys. Thank you so much reading, besties!