Christina and I ran back to the dormitories, occasionally looking over our shoulders, keeping an eye out for Eric. We burst into the room and started laughing. I ignored the looks of everyone else as I grabbed onto the rim of a bed for support, as my stomach began to hurt. I watched as Christina fell to the floor making me laugh harder. My chest began to hurt as my laughing turned to wheezing. "Oh my god, here," I reached out my hand and helped her up. We both leaned on each other as we walked over to her bed and sat down.
"That. Was. Amazing! Did you hear him getting annoyed?" I nodded with a big grin on my face. "Do you think he knows it was us?" I shook my head quickly.
"No way, the grate was on before he came in." She nodded.
"Before 'who' came 'where'?" I looked up and saw Tris. A small smile lingered on my lips as I shrugged. I nudged Christina and motioned towards Tris.
"It doesn't matter." Tris' eyes narrowed as her arms crossed. My eyebrows knitted together as I looked at her. Was she mad that Christina was hanging out with me? I looked at the watch on her wrist, turning my head slightly to the left.
"What?" Tris looked down with furrowed brows before looking back at me. I shrugged and smiled.
"Just excited for the final rankings." Tris' face turned red slightly as her eyes widened. She forgot? I looked at Christina. She played with her fingers and quietly mumbled to herself. I wondered if she was even talking or if her lips were just moving.
"How do you think we done?" Christina spoke up. Her voice was somewhat low as she stared at her legs. I bit my lip and looked around at everyone in the room. Some people are going to be cut tonight. I won't see these people for the rest of my life, or until I can't do this anymore. "We know you've done well, but..." She looked up at Tris. I nodded to myself. I haven't been paying attention to how well Tris has been doing, I know that she has improved. But has she improved enough?
"You two will be fine." The words taste sour. I want to believe that they will be okay, but I don't know how anyone will be with Eric assessing us. I looked back at Tris' watch and sighed. I stood up and wiped my hands on my jeans. "Dinner?" They both nodded.
Christina walked between Tris and I. It was a small gesture, but it was enough for anyone who knows us to realise something is wrong. My head feels like it is going to explode from everything, Tris and I fighting, transferring, rankings... Four. My eyes darted forward as I looked at our table. When did we get here? I looked at my usual seat and felt my jaw slack. After having the cry in the janitors closest, I'm not sure if I can muster to be embarrassed or be sad about any of the events today anymore. If anything, I was beginning to get annoyed. He really was everywhere. My eyes narrowed as I looked at other seats occupying the table.
A hand rested on my shoulder. "Come on, it won't be that bad." I rolled my eyes as I took my tray from Christina.
"Thanks." I mumbled. She nodded and walked to her usual seat. "I hate it here." I sighed and walked over to the table with a soft smile. I tried my best to stop my legs from shaking, as I went to sit in my seat. "Hey Tris," I turned and looked at her with a smirk. Tris' eyes looked over me cautiously.
"Yes?" My smirk grew. I couldn't tell if I was feeling guilty with my actions, all I knew is that I was eager to get away from everything. Have a moment to myself, even if I still would be sitting next to Tris, she wouldn't talk to me with everyone here.
I would be away from Four, even if it is only two seats.
A heavy feeling left my chest as I thought all about the positives of moving seats. "Want to switch?" I smiled. Tris raised an eyebrow as her eyes flickered towards Four's spot. My smile wavered slightly as I also realised the negatives. But I left... I didn't have a place to say anything. She nodded with a small smile. I moved out of the way as she sat in my old seat and I sat in hers. I looked up after placing down my tray, meeting Will's confused look. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked between me and Tris.
Maybe I shouldn't have done it in the most obvious way.
I shook my head slightly and ran my hands through my hair, ruffling it. I began to eat afterwards, sitting in comfortable silence, while everyone else talked. As I sat quietly, my mind wandered back to Amity. No matter how much I tried to forget about it, there was always that one thing. And today, it was the realisation of how much I had changed, already. All of my attributes made me stand out in Amity, the swearing, the fighting, the hostility. In Dauntless that would have been normal, to some extent. Except I had done nothing like that, unless it was in training.
"Who are they looking at?" I looked up as I murmured. I hadn't even realised I was being watched until I said it. I looked over at the table beside us with Peter, Molly and Drew. Molly and Drew happily ate while Peter looked over here in distaste. You were looking at me a moment ago, slip up.
"Everything okay?" I blinked. I quickly looked at Will and nodded. "Noticed him too?" I hummed.
"It's annoying." He agreed.
"Y/n, guess what?" I peered at Christina and raised an eyebrow. "Will has never had a pet." I shrugged and began to eat again. "Is that only crazy to me?"
"I never had one either," I looked up. "Animal cruelty to keep a wild animal locked up in a house." Christina's eyes widened as I looked at her with a blank face. "Never understood it either." I looked away and began to eat again.
"Right. Well anyways I had a bulldog named Chunker," I looked at Tris who looked back at me in confusion. "One time we left a whole roasted chicken on the counter to cool, and while my mother was in the bathroom, he pulled it down of the counter and ate it, bones and skin and all. We laughed so hard." I nodded and waved my fork around.
"Yes, very funny that a dog took it upon themselves to eat food that clearly wasn't for them." Her head cocked to the side. I shook my head. "I can't stand dogs, it's nothing to do with the animal, I just... don't like them."
"I guess if you haven't had any pet, or know anyone with a pet, you would think that about a lot of things." I nodded.
"Why don't you just get a dog after initiation? I wouldn't be able to come near you, but it would be good." I smirked slightly. Christina's face paled as she looked at her food.
"Because, dogs are sort of ruined for me. After... you know, after the aptitude test." Everyone exchanged looks as my back straightened. We weren't supposed to talk about the test afterwards, but I guess they didn't have anything to hide. My heart hammered as I felt my food coming back up. I had completely forgotten what I was, it was nagging in the back of my mind, but that wasn't what was bothering me.
They are going to be in my head.
My hand shook making me drop my fork. I coughed and leaned back. "You mean... killing the dog, right?" Will asked. I had completely forgot about all of the choices we had during that test. I had even unlocked a new one. I looked around the table, do I tell them I killed the dog?
"Yeah, I mean you guys all had to do that too, right?" Her eyes look around the table before landing on Tris and then flickering to me. "You two didn't?" Tris hummed as I shrugged. "You're fidgeting, and she's... too calm for a question like that." Calm? Looking at my plate, I find the reflection of my eyes. I did look calm.
"What?" Everyone had their eyes on us now.
"In Candor," Al begins. "We learn to read body language so we know when someone is lying or keeping something from us." I rolled my eyes.
"Being calm isn't a lying technique." Christina's eyes narrowed at me.
"It is when you were shaking a moment ago." She saw that? Tris try's to back her side but ends up scratching the back of her neck. "See! There it is again!" I shook my head and leaned forward.
"No, I didn't kill the dog." Her hands fell to her lap as she took a relaxed stance. I smirked as I realised she was going to lie about something, but what could she possibly lie about here?
Christina looked at me and I shook my head. "How did you get Dauntless without using the knife?" Will was specifically looking at me, and Al was looking at Tris while Christina looked at us both. They were trying to make us anxious so that we would slip up.
"I didn't I got Abnegation." My eyes flicked to her hand as it clenched slightly. What the hell? She looked at me making me look back at the table.
"I chased it and tackled it. Dauntless and non-violent." Christina leaned forward more.
"How the hell did you keep up with a dog?" I leaned forward and smirked.
"I'm a fast runner."
"What did you get?" I smirked and sat back. I ate a piece of my cake.
"Dauntless." It was enough. They didn't know me before all of this, but Tris did. Dauntless would be the most normal answer for my actions. "Here!" Tris jumped and looked at me. "If you got Abnegation, why did you choose Dauntless?"
"It was the food." She smirked as she took a bite of meat. I smirked as well and continued eating. We were supposed to tell each other what our results were if we were to switch from the results given. She did, so why didn't she tell me? I watched her carefully before standing up and throwing out my food.
I looked at Four's empty seat and felt a pit in my stomach. Rankings. "See you." I waved bye as everyone called after me. I walked out of the cafeteria and placed my hands in my pockets. I had definitely changed since Amity, I felt better here. But I definitely wasn't looking after myself. My hand made its way to my side, I took a deep breath and pushed down. A screaming pain made its way up my side, I wavered slightly making me grab the wall. "Goddammit." I leaned my back on the wall and closed my eyes. At least I wouldn't be fighting for a while, I can actually give it time to heal now. "What do you want?" My eyes opened slightly as I peered at a person standing at the end of the hallway. I couldn't tell who it was.
"You alright?" Peter stepped through more so I could actually see him. I closed my eyes again and groaned.
"Why do people like asking that?" I heard a sigh.
"Well, shit sorry, I'll just leave then?" I nodded. I listened for him to move before opening one eye.
"Does 'leave' mean something different in your language?" I asked. I placed a hand behind me and pushed myself off the wall. "I'll show you what it means, alright?" I turned on my heel and started to walk away.
"What's your issue?" I rolled my eyes and looked over my shoulder.
"Issue?"
"Yeah. One minute it could be all jokes, then the next you're a defensive bitch." I frowned and nodded. Why does this sound familiar? I took a deep breath as I click my tongue.
"I'm always a defensive bitch, hun. If you want to talk about issues, let's talk about your dumbass." Peter walked forward to cover some ground. There was a relative height difference, and he held himself with confidence, making him come off as taller. "Bullying people just because of their old factions? Because you used to be Erudite and think you know everything? Having people follow you around because we know for a fact, you piss enough people off that you need bodyguards. You have a lot more issues than me, and instead of focusing on mine, focus on yours. Maybe people would start to like you." I turned around before Peter grabbed my shoulder.
"Alright, maybe people would start to. But how about we talk about your issue of pushing people away because you're fucked in the head." My body ceased up. I wanted to leave, but I wanted to hear what he had to say, I wanted to finish this argument quickly, but I wanted to hurt him. "Nearly everyone in Erudite know you, because you killed someone a few years ago. Is that what all of this is about?" I turned around.
"Pardon?"
"The pushing people away? Cause we both know you're good enough to hang with your group and stay first. We both know that you and Tris were best friends, and all of a sudden she glares whenever she sees you."
"Shut up." Mumbling.
"You killed someone, so what? It was an accident, it's been ruled down as an accident. It wasn't your fault."
"Shut up."
"So why the hell are you pushing everyone away?"
"I said, shut up!" I looked up with wide eyes. "You just don't know when to quit do you? I clearly don't want to talk to you, but you keep nagging and nagging." My hands grab my hair as I laugh. "You're right, it was an accident. It was." I sighed and ran my hands down my face. "I regret it everyday. Of. My. Goddamn life. But that isn't the reasoning for anything, I don't let my mistakes, or my trauma control me. I don't let it be the 'out' for my mistakes. And the fact that you're asking me that is making me question, how many times have you gotten away with something because of trauma?" Peter stayed quiet as I looked at him. I wished that I was taller so I could meet his eyes, so that he wouldn't be looking over my head and ignoring my prying looks. "How many?"
"It doesn't matter." I scoffed.
"It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter?! You just fucking interrogated me, but now that I am asking you the same question, it doesn't matter!" I smiled in disbelief. Of course it wouldn't matter, it only mattered when I done something wrong, why the hell would that change now? "Just... leave me alone." I turned around and left.
Walking to the dormitories had gotten easier now. I could get there faster than before, and I could even zone out and be there. But I didn't want to zone out, I didn't want to be somewhere and forget how I got there. I wanted to be in full control. Every time my vision went blurry, every time my body went numb. I willed myself to pay attention.
My arm was red from picking, and I'm sure I had drawn some blood, but I didn't want to check. I looked at the opening to the dormitory and looked around. No one else is here? Are they already inside?
I peaked in through the door and saw Eric and Four writing on a board. I couldn't see past them.
I turned and sat down, leaning against the wall. I pulled my legs up to my chest and held them. Is being number one worth it? I could still be in the highest, and not be the highest. A lot of people will begin to feel threatened and scared that they will get kicked out. Is it really worth it to be the focal point? I scratched my side as I remembered my first fight. Not my first fight here, my first fight in Amity.
I had just got out of the institution, I was kind of hoping people had forgotten. I knew they wouldn't have, it had only been a few months. And my suspicions were proven correct when I passed the Erudite faction into the middle square. Laura had a memorial in the middle of the square. Flowers, presents, chocolate, were all surrounding a school picture. The incident from a few months ago began to replay in my mind over and over and over and...
"Hey!" I let go of my hair and looked at someone who was next to the picture. My head tilted as I looked around.
"Me?" No one knows me. I thought I could use that to my advantage and no one would realise what I had done. My eyes flickered to the bright yellow clothes and my eyes widened. They would know me, Amity knows everyone.
"You're the one who done this aren't you?" I shook my head as I put my hands up. No one should remember, why couldn't someone use a serum? Was it because I killed an Erudite, why would the Erudite want to help me now? "Yeah you are, I recognise you. You used to hang out with her all the time." I raised an eyebrow. You don't even know her name. Does anyone remember her name?
"I didn't mean to. It was an accident." The person scoffed.
"You're only saying that so you won't go to jail." I'm too young to go to jail anyway. I would be given enormous amounts of peace serum, and maybe the Abnegation serum. The only reason I had gone to the institution was cause I broke down while on the truth serum, I was sick. I shouldn't have been. It's not possible.
I was sick.
"It shouldn't have been possible." I whispered. I remember walking home that day. Mum was busy, I think. Maybe she didn't want to be walking beside me. I got to the front door before I got pushed down. I was 14 and I had broken my first bone. My shoulder hit off a rock, snapping it easily. I didn't know what to do. I just laid there... just laid.
My neighbour came running out, I don't know why. I wasn't screaming. But she still came out and chased the kids away. Something I would be doing for the next two years. She brought me into her house and cleaned up my cuts, she gave me a sling for my shoulder, and had dinner with me. That woman became factionless sometime after that. She had became violent towards my mother for some reason. I wonder if she knew.
"Y/n?" I looked up at the door and gave a small smile to Four.
"Hi." My voice was strained. Was I going to cry? I looked away again and stared down the hallway. The small smile stayed, I don't know why, I wasn't happy. Not enough to give a smile anyway.
"You waiting for the rankings?" I nodded then shook my head.
"Maybe. I already know what I've got," did that sound conceited? I don't even know what I'm saying. "I'm more interested in everyone else's." What did I say?
"Competition?" I shook my head.
"To help." When did I decide that? I didn't want to help anyone, if they are low then they aren't meant to be here. Nothing I could do could stop that. They just don't belong. He's looking at you. I hummed. "What did everyone get?" I turned my head and looked at him. His eyes narrowed as I smiled.
"I can't tell you that." I shrugged. I felt like I was floating, not because I was close to Four, or because I had finally got some peace and quiet from everyone else, I just felt everything leave. The anger. The guilt. The confusion. Everything left and left me with nothing.
"So? I'm gonna find out in a few minutes anyway." I looked away again, my head swaying slightly. A beat was in my head, a song I couldn't remember. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to fight, I didn't even want to talk. I just wanted to sit, in the cold hallway. What's happening? Fours lips moved as he spoke, but I couldn't hear anything.
I was in control. I felt great, like when I was in Amity. All of my emotions just fled, I didn't need them. I didn't need anything or anyone. I could live happily by myself. Maybe I could even go factionless, leave everything behind.
I smiled and looked down at my lap.
I was alone, finally. I could tell Four didn't want to be here, so why is he still sitting next to me? It would be best for this whole thing to be over, for him to stand up and leave like I did. I no longer felt guilty, I had came to terms with my choice. Clearly if I was to kiss him, I would be feeling worse than I am already. I'm in control, just like how I've always wanted to be.
I don't have a mother who doesn't love me. I don't have a best friend who I targeted, nor who wanted to get rid of me in the first place. I didn't have crazy training sessions that make me scared. I didn't have anything. And I didn't want anything. I'm in control.
"Y/n?" I felt dazed, I didn't want to move.
"Yes?"
"Did you hear me?" No I did not. And I don't want to.
"Yes." He nodded and stood up. His eyes still narrowed as he glanced at me before walking back inside.
I could stay here. Not move. Stay happy. That's what this is right? Not feeling anything till you feel like you're floating, that's happiness. It's the same feeling I get when I laugh too hard.
I looked at the door.
There is no rankings. It's just a way to make people feel bad. Why should I go in there just to have my mood ruined?
A burning feeling was in my hand, I didn't mind it. I looked down slowly. My nails were dug into my palm, I had broke the skin. Blood was dripping onto the floor. My eyes narrowed as I felt my heart beat faster. When did I do that? I'm in control right? There's no reason for my body to work against my mind. So why was it?
I watched the blood as it dripped. The crimson splashing against the stone floor. My heart beat is too fast. I don't know what to do. I brought my hand up as I felt my emotions trying to numb me, everything trying to leave me, make me nothing. This isn't control. I don't want any of this. Is this what I was like in Amity? Is that why I never hated anything I had done.
Why did that feeling feel so familiar? I felt like I was rising. I was thoughtless without consequence.
A banging sound rang through the hallway making me jump. Dinner was ending, someone must have slammed their tray. A few images flashed through my mind, I couldn't quite catch them, but they were there.
The blue uniforms. The white walls. The sore bed.
My eyes widened. No no no no no. I grabbed my hair as I looked at my lap. This isn't happening. A stinging pain went through my cheek as I slapped myself. The images stopped. The numbing feeling left. Everything I didn't want came back. "It's not real."
My small smile fell as I stood up with narrowed eyes. I placed my hands into my pockets. People started crowding down the hallway, slowly passing me while talking to friends. I silently watched till everyone went in then followed.
I kept my eyes in front of me till I turned on my heal and looked at the board. I avoided the looks from Four who kept looking at everyone but kept flickering over to me. I suppressed the urge to look or roll my eyes. He's making it obvious something has happened.
"After the first found of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level," My eyebrow perked up as I looked at the blackboard. I thought I had seen him writing names earlier, but now I couldn't see. "The number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don't reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice." I don't need to follow his eyes to know he is looking at Peter, I'm pretty sure anyone would look at Peter after his shows. "If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent.
I hear Molly snort making me look over at her. Her eyes met mine as my eyes narrowed. What is she snorting at? The fact she pretended to be me so she could seem good. I roll my eyes and look away, crossing my arms.
"Stage two of training is weighted more heavily than stage one, because it is more closely tied to overcoming cowardice," My back straightened as I raised my head high. "That said, it is extremely difficult to rank high at the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one." What about if you don't know what you're scared of? "We will announce the cuts tomorrow," I looked at the board. "The fact that you are transfers and the Dauntless-born initiates are not will not be take into consideration. Four of you could be factionless and none of them. Or four of them could be factionless and none of you. Or any combination thereof. That said, here are your ranks."
Four placed the board on top of a couple of hooks so everyone could see, and stepped back.
1. Y/n
2. Edward
3. Peter
4.Will
5. Christina
6. Daniel
7. Molly
8. Tris
9. Max
10. Drew
11. Al
12. Myra
My eyebrow raises as I pass my name and look at everyone else's. Tris got eighth, that's surprising. I look back at my name and I tried to muster up a feeling of proudness. It doesn't come. My ears perk up at the silence in the room. My eyes peer at everyone, they all look scared or proud. Except for Molly.
"What? I beat her!" She pointed at Christina making me turn my full body around. "I beat her in minutes, and she's ranked above me?"
"Yeah," Christina wears a smug smile and crosses her arms. "And?"
"If you intend to secure yourself a high rank, I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low-ranked opponents." Four pockets his chalk and leaves.
"You," She stares at Tris making my back straighten.
Why do you still care what happens to her?
I don't, but she doesn't deserve to become factionless for something like this.
"You are going to pay for this." I coughed and raised my hand with a tight lipped smile. "What?" She snarled.
"It's not just her remember. Our first fight played heavily on these rankings, it's not her fault you failed to show how good you are." I chuckled slightly at my words. "Sorry I didn't mean to say 'good', I meant to say 'sad'." Her eyes cut through me like glass. I raised an eyebrow as I began to smirk. I thought she would lunge or hit me, something to show that she was in fact insecure about her rank, but she just turned on her heel and walked away.
Everything is too quiet. I look over at Peter who is untying his shoes on his bed. My eyes narrowed. He's got third, no way is he happy with that. Everyone goes round and congratulates people on their ranks. I notice Tris walking up to me, making me turn and go to my bunk.
Guess who is back bitches! Thank you for all being patient with my exams. I'm sorry I didn't update sooner but I'm gonna have to resit a few so that's fun. But yeah, hope you like the new chapter! ~ Hollie.
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